Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader, who we’ll call Matt.
I am a gay man and a criminal defense attorney. After 22 years in my business I though I had seen it all, heard it all, and knew it all when it came to the bad side of human nature. That was until 15 months ago when I became romantically involved with a sociopath.
Hook, Line and Sinker
July. I met “S” when I was facing 50, flying solo and fearing my own mortality — I had just come from signing my will. I walked into a bar and S homed in on me like a heat-seeking missile. He had a beautiful smile, but I remember how it never reached his eyes — they were laser intense, but flat and unblinking. A few drinks later and big pools of chemistry were forming under S and me. That night, he put the ”˜good’ in good night kiss.
August. S launched a full-blown charm offensive. In one week I was swept up in a whirlwind of romantic dinners and phenomenal sex — he made me feel like I was the best lover on earth.
At the end of the week I went on vacation. While I was checking into the hotel a florist showed up with a beautiful arrangement. I said to the desk clerk “Somebody got lucky.” He looked at the card, handed it over and said “Somebody did.” S had sent the arrangement. I fell for S like the proverbial ton of bricks.
Danger Will Robinson
September. The red flags began to pop all over the place. S refused to take me to parties because his ex would be there. S never left messages on my answering machine or voicemail. S never had me over to his apartment though he lived two blocks away. S was secretive in the extreme. But, I ignored the red flags because S was still showering me with attention and the sex was great.
October. Hindsight being 20/20, I could have walked out when S stood me up for a date. I would have walked out when S confessed that he had only broken up with his ex three weeks before me met, not a year earlier like he originally told me. And I should have walked out when S told me that he had been released from prison three weeks before we met.
But, before I could walk, S hit me hard and fast with the “pity play.” He “came clean” and told me how he got hooked on cocaine after his beloved mother was left brain-dead by a stroke. S was convicted of stealing paychecks from his employer to buy drugs. Then S began to sob and told me he didn’t want to “bring the problems that being an ex-con has to your doorstep because I love you.”
As odd as it sounds, S had been lucky. He was sentenced to a “shock incarceration facility” aka “scared straight boot camp,” instead of prison. S also served 10 months of a one-and-a-half to three year sentence and was then put on probation. Another stroke of luck.
If anyone should know from experience that all criminals and ex-cons lie and play people, it’s me. But, S stirred up the caretaker in me and I vowed to help him rebuild his life.
November. I was so besotted with S I ignored even more red flags. He repeatedly violated his probation by leaving the state without permission of his PO. He conned his group therapy leader into letting him out of his post-release program early. And when S informed me that “From here on in I’m only thinking about number one” — I was a fool not to take him at his word.
S finally introduced me to his “ex.” I now see that he was deliberately pitting the two of us against each other for his own amusement. S also did this to increase my jealousy. And it worked. I opened the financial taps. Each date became more lavish than the last.
December. S no longer wooed me with dinner and flowers. S wasn’t concerned about me or his problems. And why should he be? I had become S’s personal ATM, social director and lawyer. I had become S’s one-man Salvation Army.
Devalue and Discard
January. S chose New Year’s Eve to pick a fight with me for agreeing to spend the holiday with “his” friends without his consent (the fact that he had told them this was fine with him two days earlier escaped him). And I took all the abuse he heaped on me. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
February. I should have paid more attention to S’s choice of friends — and lack thereof. I threw him a catered birthday party. Forty of his friends said they would attend. Six showed. I actually hurt for him. It wasn’t until later I realized that this indicated how little his so-called friends and colleagues thought of him.
But I was asleep at the switch when S reestablished his friendship with his college roommate – who was also his “former” drug dealer. The night they reconnected S picked a fight with me in a bar. He stormed out and “broke-up” with me by text message.
S made me crazy that night. I walked around his block for eight hours straight. The next morning S finally let me into his apartment. Then S blamed me for his cashed paycheck being lifted from his back pocket and told me “I need your help to pay my February rent.” I agreed to “lend” him the money and wrote the check then and there for $1,550. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
March. I wondered where S’s family was. I remember when a friend of S’s said, “I never understood how S’s family, to a man, turned their backs on him when he was sent to prison,” Now I see that S had burned them so many times they cut S out of their lives. But, I didn’t. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
April. I took S to Washington, DC to see the cherry blossoms and to share with him a place that was special to me. S was overly eager to go to church. When we entered the sanctuary I learned the priest was S’s former partner (two exes ago). Shocked, I thought “I can’t believe he’s sandbagging a priest on the altar.” S thought it was hysterical. But, I hung on. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
May. S “needed my help” and handed me an envelope. A letter from his landlord threatening eviction. The landlord had rejected April’s rent check because S hadn’t paid February and March. I realized he had lied to me earlier and I had paid January’s rent. But, I didn’t ask any questions and agreed to “lend” him $3,750.
The abrupt personality changes, his constant lack of money. I knew from experience he was using again. But I rationalized it away. If he was using, he couldn’t pass the drug test run by his PO. Right? I ignored the fact that the system can be beat. And I didn’t call him on any of it. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
June. Weekend trips. Restaurant checks. Bar bills. Theatre tickets. I paid for it all. He went out of his way to ruin whatever I planned. I was going into debt. I felt more and more empty, more and more abused. I was in a relationship but had never felt more alone.
The more I gave, the more S withheld – Time together. Emotional availability. Sex. Love. And the more emotionally abusive he became. Why did I put up with it? Because I was determined to win back the man I had fallen in love with.
July. Our first anniversary. What was I celebrating? One year of emotional and physical exhaustion from dealing with his never ending dramas? One year of fearing his temper and was walking on eggshells?
S and I celebrated by returning to the “scene of the crime,” the bar where we had met. Over a champagne toast I handed him a ticket to Greece. He handed me an envelope saying “I’m going to need your help again.” Inside was another eviction notice.
This time I finally drew a line in the sand. I told S that I wouldn’t “help” him financially. The most I would do is walk him through the court process so he could represent himself and halt the eviction until we returned from Greece. Period.
The next day I did what I should have done early on — I combed every database I could — public (New York e.courts) and private (Lexis). I uncovered 15 judgments against S for nonpayment of credit cards, car loans, student loans, taxes, rent, and loans from friends and three more pending cases. Then it struck me — his secretiveness, desire to move, avoiding certain places — of the 18 people who sued, how many more hadn’t?
The Brain Fog Starts to Lift
August. I told S this trip to Greece was a chance for us to get back on track. We arrived in Greece. I promptly caught him stealing from a neighbor’s villa. His response? “They’re not going to miss it.” The weird grin on his face when he said it chilled me. Like I was the fool.
I would have put him on the next plane out, but he had the keys to my apartment. So, I spent the next two weeks watching him like a hawk, paying for everything and being made miserable in the process.
September. We returned. I changed my locks. The next day the judge ordered S to pay six months back rent by September 30th or the eviction would proceed. A friend told me that S was cruising bars and turning tricks. I knew there was no getting us back on track. I knew that we had no future together — our values were completely different. I knew I was never going to win back the man I fell in love with — that man was an illusion.
But, I still wasn’t ready to let go. I only curtailed contact, I didn’t cut it. I maintained sporadic contact. Big mistake.
October. Against my better judgment I went with S to his brother’s wedding. That day I went online and learned S had a court date that very morning regarding his eviction, but I didn’t say anything to see how he was going to play this.
Play it he did. The next night. In public. S deserved an Oscar for his performance — crying “how hard I’m trying to go straight,” how “I told my doctor he screwed up our love life with the beta-blockers he put me on,” how “my sister asked me if I was certain ”˜you were the one’ and I told her you were” and the capper, “last night my father told me that before the week is out, I’ll have to go home because he’s disconnecting my mother from life-support and going to let her die.”
That was the moment I finally realized I was being manipulated — no parent — no matter how monstrous, would say something like that at a child’s wedding.
S then asked for my “help” with the rent. I refused. And I realized I had to do something or this was never going to stop.
To Get Rid of a Sociopath, Become a Sociopath
November. I finally realized I needed to get S out of my life to save my own life. I turned off my compassion. My understanding. My love. And my guilt. This one-man Salvation Army declared war on S.
S launched his next attack a few nights later. My phone rang at 11:15 and I was asleep. It was S, talking word salad. Then S moved in for the kill — he told me he had to be in court the next morning and didn’t have all the rent money. He asked if I would take some his jewelry as collateral for a loan.
I didn’t have the money, and started to babble something about taking a cash advance on my credit card when I snapped to and stopped cold. I realized he was manipulating me. I cut him off and told him to go into court with what money he had, the jewelry to show the judge he had something to sell to raise cash and take his chances.
The end came two weeks ago. S called me at 4:45 PM on Friday and told me that the landlord had changed the locks. S said his employer would lend him 10 grand to pay his back rent, but his bank was closed until Monday. S then asked me to lend him 10 grand CASH until Monday. I said “NO.” Then S asked if he could crash at my place. I agreed to one night — I finally decided we were going to have it out once and for all.
S arrived bloated (15 pounds heavier since the last time I saw him — he had already packed on 45 pounds since the start of the year), reeking of alcohol, with dirty matted hair, and smelling sour. I thought was “he’s manipulating you into feeling sorry for him.”
He launched his pity play. “How the person I hate most in this world (employer) came through for me again” (translation — I failed him). S then upped the ante and told me his blood pressure was now 220 over 180, his doctor thought he had diabetes and was afraid he was going to have a stroke. And on. And on. And on.
After four hours I finally told S that I didn’t know what to do for him anymore. I told S that I was sure he was on cocaine and our relationship wasn’t working since my needs weren’t being met in the least. S told me, “I love you and want things to go back to the way they were in the beginning.” I told him “No, you want me to pay your bills while you do whatever you want while I wait for you to call or text me. Those days are over. It’s clear we want different things, so I think its best if we no longer see each other.”
Then came the moment of true irony. I told S that I expected him to pay back the money I lent him. S replied indignantly “I always pay my debts.” I just stood there looking at him and thinking, “We’re standing in my kitchen at 2:30 AM because you have been locked out of your apartment for not paying your rent.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
The next morning I asked S if he wanted to take a shower. He refused. It dawned on me what S was up to — S was going to make the rounds, looking like he’d slept on a park bench and hit up everybody he could for cash. And then he was probably going to split.
Aftermath
Having read the stories of other Lovefraud bloggers, how they suffered at the hands of their sociopaths for years on end and ended up financially bankrupt, I know, on an intellectual level, that I got off relatively cheap. However, emotionally and physically, I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train.
A friend of mine told me I must be incredibly strong to have withstood what S put me through — he said he would have snapped a long time ago. Strong? I don’t think so. If I were strong I never would have allowed S to cannibalize my life like I did. I would have stood up to him long ago. I would have gotten rid of him instead of hanging on.
I’m furious at S for using me and making a mockery of my beliefs and my love. I’m furious at myself for letting S do this to me. My friends and family can’t bear to hear another word about S. I expect to crawl over miles of broken glass on my stomach before they’ll ever listen to me again.
S hasn’t vanished yet. I suspect he’s still working his scam. He has started the smear campaign. Several nights after I ended it S started showing up at places I frequent and events I had bought tickets to. S ended up seated directly opposite me at one event (reserved seating). Once is a coincidence. Three times is stalking.
A psychiatrist I consult with periodically on my cases told me, “Don’t think S is going to go away easy. He knows how good he had it with you. And there’s only one way to beat him — NO CONTACT.” I got the same advice from my detective friend who also told me that I could get a restraining order. But, if anyone should know how worthless they are, it’s me. So, now I am constantly on guard and looking over my shoulder — and maintaining NO CONTACT.
The money I “lent” S? I know it’s gone for good. But S will be held accountable to a higher power — the IRS. I had the good sense to write “LOAN” on every check I wrote to S. And when I was taking care of one of the numerous problems S was too lazy to deal with himself, he gave me his social security number.
My accountant sent the first collection letter today. Two more will go out. And when S doesn’t respond — and he won’t — I’ll report his debt to me as uncollectible. I get the tax loss, S gets nailed for income. Hey, if it was good enough to bring down the sociopath Al Capone, it’s good enough for me to bring down my sociopath — S.
Healing Heart:
“My ex-S snuck a Xmas card into my mail. He didn’t put a return address, and mailed it from a different part of the city”.so I opened it, not knowing from whom it was sent.”
Control 101 from the Sociopath Playbook. Between “unknown” numbers flashing on phone screens, no messages on answering machines or voicemail, hiding behind text messages when he wouldn’t pick up the phone, disappearing — all types of control designed to keep us off balance and chasing after them.
“And I don’t get how he can look so human…” I never thought of this until tonight, but I should have been paying attention to kids and dogs. He claimed to love kids and dogs. Yet, my nieces and nephews steered clear of him. Ditto my siblings dogs. He’d walk into a room and they would curl up their lips, snarl, and then beat a hasty retreat.
Sneaky ass evil bastards. Its amazing how they all use the same techniques – almost like they did take Control 101. Just amazing – and it comes to them naturally. They don’t learn it…its their inclination to act that way. I think they learn in that they hone their skills and get even more skillfully duplicitous, but the fact that it comes naturally to them – manipulation, is so frightening. It really is evil.
Matt, how long have you been out? How long have you had NC? How healed is your heart? Do you still feel a lot of pain around the relationship with your ex? If so, what kind of pain? Hurt, anger, jealousy? I’m so eager to hear other people’s experiences
Healing Heart:
The relationship was essentially over by mid-September, but lurched along a little bit longer, although I rarely saw him. I’ve been NC for 7 weeks.
How healed is my heart? Good question. I am relieved to have him out of my life, but I am still absoutely furious with him for how badly he treated me for over a year, and furious with myself for letting him to that.
That said, I was so ignored by him for the better part of that year, that I think I had subconsciously started the healing process before the relationship even formally ended. And I’m making a conscious effort not to harden my heart from bitterness.
The one that I keep grappling with is revenge. Tonight I spoke to a colleague who knew the whole situation. I told him my suspicions that certain expensive gifts the S had given me he had stolen from his employer. My friend point blank agreed, and said he fully expects the S to be back in the criminal justice system within 6 months. Since S is a predicate felon, that means mandatory prison for a minimum of a year and a day. That part makes me happy.
Jealousy hasn’t entered the picture for me — S has become so dissipated from alcohol and drugs and trying to stay one step ahead of all the people he’s scammed, that he looks 20 years older than he is and I look 10 years younger. S is in full survival mode and picking up old winos in gay bars (and I have no doubts their wallets are empty when they leave his place).
I’ve had a few casual dates with some really nice, handsome guys. When S saw me with them, he literally choked. Most satisfying. But, I what has really helped the healing is that these nice guys are genuinely KIND. Kindness is going a long way to helping the healing process.
So, emotionally I’m a mishegoss (yiddish for mess).
I am at 9 months no contact. Somebody was saying they think about them being happy without us or do they even think of us? I think Indigo is right – if we are not supplying them with something then we are not even in their thot’s at all. I start to obsess about the good thing’s and start missing him and thinking I am the one that screwed up. For instance – i bought him a shiny black car (he promised to help make the payments) I remember that day – I was on my john deere mowing the lawn and he was waxing and washing his car (he never ever washed my vehicle) I was happy that I could help him – to me it was an expression of caring and helping someone I loved – that was a good day! but a few weeks later i realize he didn’t have a driver’s lisence because it had been suspended 10 year earlier for DWI – so when he was washing that car – what was going on in his mind? Every good memory I have of him has a catch, a stab in the heart. when I come home from work I look in the mailbox hoping maybe he left a card – the next day I come home hoping he hasnt burned my house down. Oh – when it was revealed he didnt have a DL we had a big fight – i said he could not drive the car until he got DL – he managed to find the key and took out several trees when he left – trashed the car – but he said too me, buying the car was my way of controling him? Did he expect me to drive him to work the rest of his life? Tell me, was I controlling him getting the car? I was worn out physically getting him to work at the casino at 4 in the morning and picking him up at 3 in the afternoon – I was working also – and I was sleep deprived – did he care? So what I am rambling about is anytime I have a good thought and miss him all I have to do is look at what his motive was to give me that good impression or thot. He was and is a walking talking contradiction. He would say – you are everything I have been looking for my whole life and you hung the moon!!! Well I would think Ok I am over reacting he really does care – but sometimes the very same day he would say that he wouldnt come home at all that nite. And when he did come home he would say ‘ I will just leave it’s that simple – I dont give a fuck what you think.’ Then I would think to myself well ok he is going to leave (finally) then he would turn on the tear’s or overdose or cut his wrist because (I didn’t believe him when he said I love you) totally confusing – hell I was fucked up enuff before he came along and then I take on his problems and he is no help with mine – was this two sociopath’s co lie ding? Am i sick in the brain for still obsessing after all this time? I feel like a tornado has blown away everything I have and I am sitting in the rubble unable to pick up the pieces – YES I know he is evil and getting away from him and no contact is the only option I have – somebody just tell me how to move on – let it go – get over it – I got burned and used and lied to – it hurts – I am embarrassed – his motive’s were always so clear to me – why didnt I leave him at the bus station before I ever bought him 2 frickin vehicles – why did I not listen to his mother when she said ( Oh he can not come here he is a booger) – why did I let myself be so abused and disrespected? Why did I feel sorry for him?
Yeah, they really have that whole control thing down, don’t they? After I declared NC, I saw my ex at a snake show. He followed me around and stood next to me for long periods but never said a word. It was as if he was saying “You know you can’t resist me when you’re around me.” He just thought he was all that! At first I thought he still had feelings for me. But someone I confided in told me it was a power play. I’m so glad I believed her. I was so tempted to break down and call him that day. I never saw or spoke to him again.
you know reading here are the people actually harder to get over than a normal split in a normal relationship with normal people ? it seems they are >do they put you in a trance like state>Just curious & know all of you are hurting, but just seems like the getting past it is harder>plobably the realization that they are fakes huh> i heard someone use the phrase satan in a prevouis blog>used to call my friend satan when he would want to stay out later then i told my family id be home >dont think its that funny anymore
Bernard I think all the blogger’s here would say yes – they are harder to get over – it is harder to get out – it harder to let go – And I feel like I was under a spell or a trance, I did things for him even when I knew I shouldn’t, and it seems the longer we stayed involved the more difficult it becomes and the more painful the aftermath. We seem to waffle alot – good days, bad days but healing is a slow process – there seems to a great feeling of loss when we should feel relieved – I know we will recover – but yes , this has been very difficult – and I get soo frustrated with myself that it still hurts.
Henry
I still LOve Him! I know that it is not his fault! Even though he is an adult , He’s damaged or defective mentaly , Nature , Nurture , Combo meal ? Still means broken. If I take my cell phone put it in the Microwave and then submerge it in the sink. Do I really expect it to ring?
I still see things I would buy for him because I know he would like it or expressd an interest in. And If I won the Lotory I might see if He wanted to try treatment! Earth House at 500.00 a day.
Residual Love ! Don’t missread this He’s not comming back but I still think of him and Pray for him to be struck by Lightning! :)~ LOVE JJ
Benard
They learned this as Infants. It’s a Mind Game! It’s passed on in DNA or Learned or mental defect. But yes They are adept at It. Then the Brainwashing , leaves you mentaly raped so that is why it’s difficult to recover! LOVE JJ
LIG:
Your posts lately are breaking my heart about how this guy after 20 years told you that his GF is on his level regarding looks. OMG. This guy can kiss my ass. He’s a superficial AH. I hope you told him that on his was out the door. You also should have told him he sucked in bed anyway. Listen, if this GF is so hot now, wait till she has the baby and puts on 45 lbs she can’t get rid of. Let’s see if he loves her then.
My ex also used to dress me to be presentable…meaning the baggiest of clothes, shirts buttoned up to my neck, no makeup. He wanted me to be unattractive to other guys due to his insecurities. It damaged my self esteem pretty much. I found myself walking with my head down while with him trying not to attract attention or hell would be had. What a way to live, huh? I told this to the ex-wife. She said, OMG, I did the same thing.
So, LIG…he will not treat her any better. She even may get it worse. But YOU will get back to being you while SHE will become ill. It’ll be a long winter. Come Spring, when everything is green and new again, you’ll be in a different frame of mind. Take this time out for peace, reflection, getting healthy, work out, new wardrobe, do things that you always were interested in but never did. 20 years is a long time so I understand the length of healing time. I’m 7 months post-S but was with him 2 years so I’m a little farther along in healing…but this too is only a frame of mind. One day, I said to myself, “I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.” I actually forced myself out of the house to join the gym with my cousin. I really just wanted to lie in bed and suffer but I just knew that wasn’t getting me anywhere. I even forced myself to go out on dates just to see what it felt like not being told what to wear, etc. ..being accepted the way I am. Not to get even or to find a new boyfriend or anything, just to get out and get comfortable with myself again. Before I met my S, I was comfortable going anywhere alone and confident, and walked with my head high and very outgoing and friendly. I’m back to me. I thank God for Him helping me get to this point. I pray in the night and give thanks. I read the Bible and listen to my gut. My gut tells me if I ever go back to the ex, I would be with the devil.