Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader, who we’ll call Matt.
I am a gay man and a criminal defense attorney. After 22 years in my business I though I had seen it all, heard it all, and knew it all when it came to the bad side of human nature. That was until 15 months ago when I became romantically involved with a sociopath.
Hook, Line and Sinker
July. I met “S” when I was facing 50, flying solo and fearing my own mortality — I had just come from signing my will. I walked into a bar and S homed in on me like a heat-seeking missile. He had a beautiful smile, but I remember how it never reached his eyes — they were laser intense, but flat and unblinking. A few drinks later and big pools of chemistry were forming under S and me. That night, he put the ”˜good’ in good night kiss.
August. S launched a full-blown charm offensive. In one week I was swept up in a whirlwind of romantic dinners and phenomenal sex — he made me feel like I was the best lover on earth.
At the end of the week I went on vacation. While I was checking into the hotel a florist showed up with a beautiful arrangement. I said to the desk clerk “Somebody got lucky.” He looked at the card, handed it over and said “Somebody did.” S had sent the arrangement. I fell for S like the proverbial ton of bricks.
Danger Will Robinson
September. The red flags began to pop all over the place. S refused to take me to parties because his ex would be there. S never left messages on my answering machine or voicemail. S never had me over to his apartment though he lived two blocks away. S was secretive in the extreme. But, I ignored the red flags because S was still showering me with attention and the sex was great.
October. Hindsight being 20/20, I could have walked out when S stood me up for a date. I would have walked out when S confessed that he had only broken up with his ex three weeks before me met, not a year earlier like he originally told me. And I should have walked out when S told me that he had been released from prison three weeks before we met.
But, before I could walk, S hit me hard and fast with the “pity play.” He “came clean” and told me how he got hooked on cocaine after his beloved mother was left brain-dead by a stroke. S was convicted of stealing paychecks from his employer to buy drugs. Then S began to sob and told me he didn’t want to “bring the problems that being an ex-con has to your doorstep because I love you.”
As odd as it sounds, S had been lucky. He was sentenced to a “shock incarceration facility” aka “scared straight boot camp,” instead of prison. S also served 10 months of a one-and-a-half to three year sentence and was then put on probation. Another stroke of luck.
If anyone should know from experience that all criminals and ex-cons lie and play people, it’s me. But, S stirred up the caretaker in me and I vowed to help him rebuild his life.
November. I was so besotted with S I ignored even more red flags. He repeatedly violated his probation by leaving the state without permission of his PO. He conned his group therapy leader into letting him out of his post-release program early. And when S informed me that “From here on in I’m only thinking about number one” — I was a fool not to take him at his word.
S finally introduced me to his “ex.” I now see that he was deliberately pitting the two of us against each other for his own amusement. S also did this to increase my jealousy. And it worked. I opened the financial taps. Each date became more lavish than the last.
December. S no longer wooed me with dinner and flowers. S wasn’t concerned about me or his problems. And why should he be? I had become S’s personal ATM, social director and lawyer. I had become S’s one-man Salvation Army.
Devalue and Discard
January. S chose New Year’s Eve to pick a fight with me for agreeing to spend the holiday with “his” friends without his consent (the fact that he had told them this was fine with him two days earlier escaped him). And I took all the abuse he heaped on me. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
February. I should have paid more attention to S’s choice of friends — and lack thereof. I threw him a catered birthday party. Forty of his friends said they would attend. Six showed. I actually hurt for him. It wasn’t until later I realized that this indicated how little his so-called friends and colleagues thought of him.
But I was asleep at the switch when S reestablished his friendship with his college roommate – who was also his “former” drug dealer. The night they reconnected S picked a fight with me in a bar. He stormed out and “broke-up” with me by text message.
S made me crazy that night. I walked around his block for eight hours straight. The next morning S finally let me into his apartment. Then S blamed me for his cashed paycheck being lifted from his back pocket and told me “I need your help to pay my February rent.” I agreed to “lend” him the money and wrote the check then and there for $1,550. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
March. I wondered where S’s family was. I remember when a friend of S’s said, “I never understood how S’s family, to a man, turned their backs on him when he was sent to prison,” Now I see that S had burned them so many times they cut S out of their lives. But, I didn’t. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
April. I took S to Washington, DC to see the cherry blossoms and to share with him a place that was special to me. S was overly eager to go to church. When we entered the sanctuary I learned the priest was S’s former partner (two exes ago). Shocked, I thought “I can’t believe he’s sandbagging a priest on the altar.” S thought it was hysterical. But, I hung on. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
May. S “needed my help” and handed me an envelope. A letter from his landlord threatening eviction. The landlord had rejected April’s rent check because S hadn’t paid February and March. I realized he had lied to me earlier and I had paid January’s rent. But, I didn’t ask any questions and agreed to “lend” him $3,750.
The abrupt personality changes, his constant lack of money. I knew from experience he was using again. But I rationalized it away. If he was using, he couldn’t pass the drug test run by his PO. Right? I ignored the fact that the system can be beat. And I didn’t call him on any of it. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
June. Weekend trips. Restaurant checks. Bar bills. Theatre tickets. I paid for it all. He went out of his way to ruin whatever I planned. I was going into debt. I felt more and more empty, more and more abused. I was in a relationship but had never felt more alone.
The more I gave, the more S withheld – Time together. Emotional availability. Sex. Love. And the more emotionally abusive he became. Why did I put up with it? Because I was determined to win back the man I had fallen in love with.
July. Our first anniversary. What was I celebrating? One year of emotional and physical exhaustion from dealing with his never ending dramas? One year of fearing his temper and was walking on eggshells?
S and I celebrated by returning to the “scene of the crime,” the bar where we had met. Over a champagne toast I handed him a ticket to Greece. He handed me an envelope saying “I’m going to need your help again.” Inside was another eviction notice.
This time I finally drew a line in the sand. I told S that I wouldn’t “help” him financially. The most I would do is walk him through the court process so he could represent himself and halt the eviction until we returned from Greece. Period.
The next day I did what I should have done early on — I combed every database I could — public (New York e.courts) and private (Lexis). I uncovered 15 judgments against S for nonpayment of credit cards, car loans, student loans, taxes, rent, and loans from friends and three more pending cases. Then it struck me — his secretiveness, desire to move, avoiding certain places — of the 18 people who sued, how many more hadn’t?
The Brain Fog Starts to Lift
August. I told S this trip to Greece was a chance for us to get back on track. We arrived in Greece. I promptly caught him stealing from a neighbor’s villa. His response? “They’re not going to miss it.” The weird grin on his face when he said it chilled me. Like I was the fool.
I would have put him on the next plane out, but he had the keys to my apartment. So, I spent the next two weeks watching him like a hawk, paying for everything and being made miserable in the process.
September. We returned. I changed my locks. The next day the judge ordered S to pay six months back rent by September 30th or the eviction would proceed. A friend told me that S was cruising bars and turning tricks. I knew there was no getting us back on track. I knew that we had no future together — our values were completely different. I knew I was never going to win back the man I fell in love with — that man was an illusion.
But, I still wasn’t ready to let go. I only curtailed contact, I didn’t cut it. I maintained sporadic contact. Big mistake.
October. Against my better judgment I went with S to his brother’s wedding. That day I went online and learned S had a court date that very morning regarding his eviction, but I didn’t say anything to see how he was going to play this.
Play it he did. The next night. In public. S deserved an Oscar for his performance — crying “how hard I’m trying to go straight,” how “I told my doctor he screwed up our love life with the beta-blockers he put me on,” how “my sister asked me if I was certain ”˜you were the one’ and I told her you were” and the capper, “last night my father told me that before the week is out, I’ll have to go home because he’s disconnecting my mother from life-support and going to let her die.”
That was the moment I finally realized I was being manipulated — no parent — no matter how monstrous, would say something like that at a child’s wedding.
S then asked for my “help” with the rent. I refused. And I realized I had to do something or this was never going to stop.
To Get Rid of a Sociopath, Become a Sociopath
November. I finally realized I needed to get S out of my life to save my own life. I turned off my compassion. My understanding. My love. And my guilt. This one-man Salvation Army declared war on S.
S launched his next attack a few nights later. My phone rang at 11:15 and I was asleep. It was S, talking word salad. Then S moved in for the kill — he told me he had to be in court the next morning and didn’t have all the rent money. He asked if I would take some his jewelry as collateral for a loan.
I didn’t have the money, and started to babble something about taking a cash advance on my credit card when I snapped to and stopped cold. I realized he was manipulating me. I cut him off and told him to go into court with what money he had, the jewelry to show the judge he had something to sell to raise cash and take his chances.
The end came two weeks ago. S called me at 4:45 PM on Friday and told me that the landlord had changed the locks. S said his employer would lend him 10 grand to pay his back rent, but his bank was closed until Monday. S then asked me to lend him 10 grand CASH until Monday. I said “NO.” Then S asked if he could crash at my place. I agreed to one night — I finally decided we were going to have it out once and for all.
S arrived bloated (15 pounds heavier since the last time I saw him — he had already packed on 45 pounds since the start of the year), reeking of alcohol, with dirty matted hair, and smelling sour. I thought was “he’s manipulating you into feeling sorry for him.”
He launched his pity play. “How the person I hate most in this world (employer) came through for me again” (translation — I failed him). S then upped the ante and told me his blood pressure was now 220 over 180, his doctor thought he had diabetes and was afraid he was going to have a stroke. And on. And on. And on.
After four hours I finally told S that I didn’t know what to do for him anymore. I told S that I was sure he was on cocaine and our relationship wasn’t working since my needs weren’t being met in the least. S told me, “I love you and want things to go back to the way they were in the beginning.” I told him “No, you want me to pay your bills while you do whatever you want while I wait for you to call or text me. Those days are over. It’s clear we want different things, so I think its best if we no longer see each other.”
Then came the moment of true irony. I told S that I expected him to pay back the money I lent him. S replied indignantly “I always pay my debts.” I just stood there looking at him and thinking, “We’re standing in my kitchen at 2:30 AM because you have been locked out of your apartment for not paying your rent.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
The next morning I asked S if he wanted to take a shower. He refused. It dawned on me what S was up to — S was going to make the rounds, looking like he’d slept on a park bench and hit up everybody he could for cash. And then he was probably going to split.
Aftermath
Having read the stories of other Lovefraud bloggers, how they suffered at the hands of their sociopaths for years on end and ended up financially bankrupt, I know, on an intellectual level, that I got off relatively cheap. However, emotionally and physically, I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train.
A friend of mine told me I must be incredibly strong to have withstood what S put me through — he said he would have snapped a long time ago. Strong? I don’t think so. If I were strong I never would have allowed S to cannibalize my life like I did. I would have stood up to him long ago. I would have gotten rid of him instead of hanging on.
I’m furious at S for using me and making a mockery of my beliefs and my love. I’m furious at myself for letting S do this to me. My friends and family can’t bear to hear another word about S. I expect to crawl over miles of broken glass on my stomach before they’ll ever listen to me again.
S hasn’t vanished yet. I suspect he’s still working his scam. He has started the smear campaign. Several nights after I ended it S started showing up at places I frequent and events I had bought tickets to. S ended up seated directly opposite me at one event (reserved seating). Once is a coincidence. Three times is stalking.
A psychiatrist I consult with periodically on my cases told me, “Don’t think S is going to go away easy. He knows how good he had it with you. And there’s only one way to beat him — NO CONTACT.” I got the same advice from my detective friend who also told me that I could get a restraining order. But, if anyone should know how worthless they are, it’s me. So, now I am constantly on guard and looking over my shoulder — and maintaining NO CONTACT.
The money I “lent” S? I know it’s gone for good. But S will be held accountable to a higher power — the IRS. I had the good sense to write “LOAN” on every check I wrote to S. And when I was taking care of one of the numerous problems S was too lazy to deal with himself, he gave me his social security number.
My accountant sent the first collection letter today. Two more will go out. And when S doesn’t respond — and he won’t — I’ll report his debt to me as uncollectible. I get the tax loss, S gets nailed for income. Hey, if it was good enough to bring down the sociopath Al Capone, it’s good enough for me to bring down my sociopath — S.
It blows my mind how many of our stories are so similar!! I too have a 4 month old son … who he supposedly wants to see, but he tells all the women he is dating that he doesn’t have kids (he has 3-4 others too!).
He cheated on me 2 months into our marriage for the first year and then I caught 2 more then he moved out and has had at least 5 others for the past 3+ weeks! We have made contct w 2 of them so far!!! 🙂
OH & I wasn’t allowed to get the mail for the past 2 years!! He would shred all the bills and tell me he got another credit card paid off! So I am now left in close to $600,000 in debt! I am going to hold him accountable for this and I will see him go to JAIL!!!!
EVO: You asked about Theft by Deceit… Basically it is a way to prove criminal intent verses a Civil charge. It shows that even though you knew about the expenses and they are in your name, You were deceived into doing it. Hope that helps!
that will be a good day for me – if and when his new victim becomes an X and contact’s me to swap storys – until then i continue to think it was me that messed up and he has found a good man this time – but I know he lied like a rug and cheated right under my nose – but still that will make my day – i can let go completely then – i dont wish the new victim anything bad – it will just confirm things for me – just like so many thing have been confirmed – sorry i am blogging so much tonite
Issie: I’m sorry to hear what this creep did to you. I’m glad you have your son living with you … a responsible person for a parent instead of your Ex having his paws on the child to turn him into a user like his dad.
What state is your EX in? If you don’t mind me asking. My Ex is in Texas now … doing his same ole, same ole with a new wife … if he hasn’t moved past her.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal from this heel!
to the original author
it’s sad that we figure out how to play the sociopath games { In some ways, better then they play it themselves}
I truly hope you are able to continue the No Contact rule, That is paramount, Stick to your guns and remember,… Your NOT a sociopath!…It might be difficult to not get angry with the smear campaign { that train is never late!, By Now can’t we set our watches to the patterns?}
advise all those around you EXACTLY What you had been dealing with, and simply regards SAID S, as the Non human Vehicle of discord, that he is.
I wish you the best, pure hearted people become victims of the shadowless SIMPLY because we see the good in people.
“true courage is to be scared chitless and STILL DO WHAT IS NECESSARY”
oxy wow that is really powerful. I didn’t understand what courage was. it makes sense now why so many people tell me I am strong, I just didn’t feel that way considering i was scared. what a great insight
iwonder-it made me laugh when i thought of writing back to the other women that the baby needs jewelry and a new car lol thanks for the giggle
Sstiles
That Freedom ! Came at a steep price! BUTT ! When you look at it as a gift ! What Was it going to take? To WAKE MY self UP? I was The FOOL ! Then BAM ! HELLO !
When THE WORD Sociopath ! Identified , Named, Personafied = My Psyco ! I had the Answer to the question on The Final Exam!
Forgiveness does not erase accountability and responsability ! That is only in Gods power to do! Not Mans LOVE JJ
I want to thank all of you for your support. At the moment I’m trying to live by my mother’s (unofficial) school motto: “function in disaster and finish in style.”
However, I’m finding that a particularly tough order at the moment. Yesterday, the florist, with whom I had a standing order with to send flowers to the S’s mother on most major holidays, called me about XMAS. I don’t want to punish an innocent, comatose woman for her son’s misdeeds. But, my fear is that if I send the flowers, he’ll go on the attack anew. And since we’re currently duking it out over the money he owes I can only imagine what else he’s got up his sleeve. Your views?
Elizabeth Conley — thanks for the comment about writing the playbook. At the moment I don’t feel I played the S game all that well — I got fouled right and left. I guess that comes from my playing one game and the S playing an entirely different game. But, since I’m still standing and the S is out of my life, maybe I did win. In any case, I’m happy to pass along any thoughts I have which may be of help to somebody else on Lovefraud.
Keeping_Faith — what you said about learning from the experience resonated with me. My therapist told me I have nothing to feel guilty about — that I was there for him and did everything I could out of love and S was the one who couldn’t receive what I was giving because of his own problems.
What you mentioned about not losing your “loving innocence” also struck home. A friend recently told me “I hate how you’ve started throwing all these walls up around yourself.” I realized he was right, but at this moment I’m in a self-protection mode. I guess I need to be careful to not become that most dreaded of creatures — the bitter old queen.
Iwonder — your comment about wondering about taking the other fork in the road hit home. When I first met S I used to stop in church and pray and thank God for sending this wonderful man into my life. When things started to go south, I used to go into church and pray to God that I knew he had sent the S into my life for a reason and I thought that reason was S needed my help. When things were at their worst, I went into church to pray for strength and ask God why he had sent the S into my life. I gradually came to see that the reason was I needed to learn that not only does evil genuinely exist, but that I needed to value myself and learn to set boundaries. I still wish I had never set eyes on the S, but I’ve come to see it was a life lesson I needed to learn.
Justabouthealed — I agree with you about the “why”. A friend told me I’m mourning the dream and I realized he’s right. I also realized that while a relationship is never 50-50, someone is always a little bit stronger, but in a healthy relationship they are there for their partner, when the relationship is 95-5 and you are doing all the heavy lifting, it is never going to work. I also realize that tolerating abuse is ingrained in me. I have 2 abusive parents — both Ns. The physical abuse was bad, but the verbal was the worst. On some days I still wonder how I ever lived like that, on other days I wonder how I ever lived through that. I’m going to get the book you recommended.
To those bloggers who are struggling with legal issues, don’t have any money to pay a lawyer, and don’t know which way to turn — I have one immediate suggestion. The Bar Associations of every State encourages pro bono service. In many States you will find a State Bar Association, and often a County Bar Association, and in larger cities, a City Bar Association. They often have clinics where you can make an appointment to discuss many of the issues which are concern to Lovefraud readers — matrimonial, bankruptcy, bringing criminal charges, etc. The lawyers will be able to give you good advice on what you should be doing. In addition, many law schools now run legal clinics — Tulane and Penn spring to mind. Call the law schools in your area and see if they do — if they can’t help you they can often refer you to some other organization who can.
I can speak from personal experience that the legal thicket is even intimidating to lawyers who don’t practice a particular area of law. And if you — like me — went through a real mind f*ck courtesy of your S — you are not only not trusting your perceptions, but don’t know which way to turn and are going through what I call “paralysis through analysis”. You may have gathered information, but don’t know what to do with it. However, knowledge is power. Make the call to the Bar Associations, go in with what you’ve got. The first step is often the hardest.
I have been reading all of these stories and feel as thought these S’s are the same person. I know that is not the truth but possible that some of us could have been with the same S on here. “Something to think about”.
Matt,
Like many of us duped by these idiots, you seem like a smart guy. YOU WILL BE FINE…… I don’t want to be bitter either. Self protection is OK, but there is nothing like loving with all your heart and soul and feeling everything you can. A year later and it does get easier but the healing process was so slow for me that it seemed like I would never feel better.
I want to love with everything I have again and open myself up completely. I don’t want to “miss opportunities” either because I am too afraid. So you take a risk, and I’m sure when the “rightone” comes along and we feel protected and comfortable again, it will be OK. YOU WILL BE FINE. THe pain can be unbearable. I know. You can love and will again. THey can’t won’t never will. We have something to look forward to. THey will live in the hell they have created forever.
Thank you Matt.
You know all … I am realizing everyday that God’s strength is where my sanity comes from. Also… planing my “strategies” to make my S be held accountable helps give me a little fire in my gut to get through this too! That and this beautiful baby boy I have. I think instead of feeling pittiful like we have been dooped, we need to get MAD that these people are out there and start supporting each other and go after these FREAKS! I firmly believe in our justice system and know that ONE VOICE can be heard… ESPECIALLY if we all speak it together!!
Wini – My soon to be ex is here in MO. You stated before to someone that “The latest victim will eventually find you ” and you can swap stories with her ” and it will be all the same ” just like 10 years down the road ” 40-50 more victims of his find you somehow ” swap stories ” they will be all the same.”
Not if I can STOP him first. So far 2 of the 3-5 women he has been with over the past few weeks, we have found them and made contact (I say we bc I am blessed with a great family and friends network! They are all in this with me). We watch him when we get a chance and we keep tabs on what he is doing and to whom. If none of this works then I will continue to pray for God to RUN HIM OFF THE ROAD in his precious $40,000 Truck! Sorry, I know that isn’t nice… but I guess I am done being a NICE LITTLE DOORMAT! 🙂
I am a healthy, strong, intelligent, beautiful woman and I will not allow him to continue – With God’s help… I agree with whomever said ” Vengance is mine says the Lord” He will take care of His Children.