Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader, who we’ll call Matt.
I am a gay man and a criminal defense attorney. After 22 years in my business I though I had seen it all, heard it all, and knew it all when it came to the bad side of human nature. That was until 15 months ago when I became romantically involved with a sociopath.
Hook, Line and Sinker
July. I met “S” when I was facing 50, flying solo and fearing my own mortality — I had just come from signing my will. I walked into a bar and S homed in on me like a heat-seeking missile. He had a beautiful smile, but I remember how it never reached his eyes — they were laser intense, but flat and unblinking. A few drinks later and big pools of chemistry were forming under S and me. That night, he put the ”˜good’ in good night kiss.
August. S launched a full-blown charm offensive. In one week I was swept up in a whirlwind of romantic dinners and phenomenal sex — he made me feel like I was the best lover on earth.
At the end of the week I went on vacation. While I was checking into the hotel a florist showed up with a beautiful arrangement. I said to the desk clerk “Somebody got lucky.” He looked at the card, handed it over and said “Somebody did.” S had sent the arrangement. I fell for S like the proverbial ton of bricks.
Danger Will Robinson
September. The red flags began to pop all over the place. S refused to take me to parties because his ex would be there. S never left messages on my answering machine or voicemail. S never had me over to his apartment though he lived two blocks away. S was secretive in the extreme. But, I ignored the red flags because S was still showering me with attention and the sex was great.
October. Hindsight being 20/20, I could have walked out when S stood me up for a date. I would have walked out when S confessed that he had only broken up with his ex three weeks before me met, not a year earlier like he originally told me. And I should have walked out when S told me that he had been released from prison three weeks before we met.
But, before I could walk, S hit me hard and fast with the “pity play.” He “came clean” and told me how he got hooked on cocaine after his beloved mother was left brain-dead by a stroke. S was convicted of stealing paychecks from his employer to buy drugs. Then S began to sob and told me he didn’t want to “bring the problems that being an ex-con has to your doorstep because I love you.”
As odd as it sounds, S had been lucky. He was sentenced to a “shock incarceration facility” aka “scared straight boot camp,” instead of prison. S also served 10 months of a one-and-a-half to three year sentence and was then put on probation. Another stroke of luck.
If anyone should know from experience that all criminals and ex-cons lie and play people, it’s me. But, S stirred up the caretaker in me and I vowed to help him rebuild his life.
November. I was so besotted with S I ignored even more red flags. He repeatedly violated his probation by leaving the state without permission of his PO. He conned his group therapy leader into letting him out of his post-release program early. And when S informed me that “From here on in I’m only thinking about number one” — I was a fool not to take him at his word.
S finally introduced me to his “ex.” I now see that he was deliberately pitting the two of us against each other for his own amusement. S also did this to increase my jealousy. And it worked. I opened the financial taps. Each date became more lavish than the last.
December. S no longer wooed me with dinner and flowers. S wasn’t concerned about me or his problems. And why should he be? I had become S’s personal ATM, social director and lawyer. I had become S’s one-man Salvation Army.
Devalue and Discard
January. S chose New Year’s Eve to pick a fight with me for agreeing to spend the holiday with “his” friends without his consent (the fact that he had told them this was fine with him two days earlier escaped him). And I took all the abuse he heaped on me. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
February. I should have paid more attention to S’s choice of friends — and lack thereof. I threw him a catered birthday party. Forty of his friends said they would attend. Six showed. I actually hurt for him. It wasn’t until later I realized that this indicated how little his so-called friends and colleagues thought of him.
But I was asleep at the switch when S reestablished his friendship with his college roommate – who was also his “former” drug dealer. The night they reconnected S picked a fight with me in a bar. He stormed out and “broke-up” with me by text message.
S made me crazy that night. I walked around his block for eight hours straight. The next morning S finally let me into his apartment. Then S blamed me for his cashed paycheck being lifted from his back pocket and told me “I need your help to pay my February rent.” I agreed to “lend” him the money and wrote the check then and there for $1,550. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
March. I wondered where S’s family was. I remember when a friend of S’s said, “I never understood how S’s family, to a man, turned their backs on him when he was sent to prison,” Now I see that S had burned them so many times they cut S out of their lives. But, I didn’t. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
April. I took S to Washington, DC to see the cherry blossoms and to share with him a place that was special to me. S was overly eager to go to church. When we entered the sanctuary I learned the priest was S’s former partner (two exes ago). Shocked, I thought “I can’t believe he’s sandbagging a priest on the altar.” S thought it was hysterical. But, I hung on. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
May. S “needed my help” and handed me an envelope. A letter from his landlord threatening eviction. The landlord had rejected April’s rent check because S hadn’t paid February and March. I realized he had lied to me earlier and I had paid January’s rent. But, I didn’t ask any questions and agreed to “lend” him $3,750.
The abrupt personality changes, his constant lack of money. I knew from experience he was using again. But I rationalized it away. If he was using, he couldn’t pass the drug test run by his PO. Right? I ignored the fact that the system can be beat. And I didn’t call him on any of it. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
June. Weekend trips. Restaurant checks. Bar bills. Theatre tickets. I paid for it all. He went out of his way to ruin whatever I planned. I was going into debt. I felt more and more empty, more and more abused. I was in a relationship but had never felt more alone.
The more I gave, the more S withheld – Time together. Emotional availability. Sex. Love. And the more emotionally abusive he became. Why did I put up with it? Because I was determined to win back the man I had fallen in love with.
July. Our first anniversary. What was I celebrating? One year of emotional and physical exhaustion from dealing with his never ending dramas? One year of fearing his temper and was walking on eggshells?
S and I celebrated by returning to the “scene of the crime,” the bar where we had met. Over a champagne toast I handed him a ticket to Greece. He handed me an envelope saying “I’m going to need your help again.” Inside was another eviction notice.
This time I finally drew a line in the sand. I told S that I wouldn’t “help” him financially. The most I would do is walk him through the court process so he could represent himself and halt the eviction until we returned from Greece. Period.
The next day I did what I should have done early on — I combed every database I could — public (New York e.courts) and private (Lexis). I uncovered 15 judgments against S for nonpayment of credit cards, car loans, student loans, taxes, rent, and loans from friends and three more pending cases. Then it struck me — his secretiveness, desire to move, avoiding certain places — of the 18 people who sued, how many more hadn’t?
The Brain Fog Starts to Lift
August. I told S this trip to Greece was a chance for us to get back on track. We arrived in Greece. I promptly caught him stealing from a neighbor’s villa. His response? “They’re not going to miss it.” The weird grin on his face when he said it chilled me. Like I was the fool.
I would have put him on the next plane out, but he had the keys to my apartment. So, I spent the next two weeks watching him like a hawk, paying for everything and being made miserable in the process.
September. We returned. I changed my locks. The next day the judge ordered S to pay six months back rent by September 30th or the eviction would proceed. A friend told me that S was cruising bars and turning tricks. I knew there was no getting us back on track. I knew that we had no future together — our values were completely different. I knew I was never going to win back the man I fell in love with — that man was an illusion.
But, I still wasn’t ready to let go. I only curtailed contact, I didn’t cut it. I maintained sporadic contact. Big mistake.
October. Against my better judgment I went with S to his brother’s wedding. That day I went online and learned S had a court date that very morning regarding his eviction, but I didn’t say anything to see how he was going to play this.
Play it he did. The next night. In public. S deserved an Oscar for his performance — crying “how hard I’m trying to go straight,” how “I told my doctor he screwed up our love life with the beta-blockers he put me on,” how “my sister asked me if I was certain ”˜you were the one’ and I told her you were” and the capper, “last night my father told me that before the week is out, I’ll have to go home because he’s disconnecting my mother from life-support and going to let her die.”
That was the moment I finally realized I was being manipulated — no parent — no matter how monstrous, would say something like that at a child’s wedding.
S then asked for my “help” with the rent. I refused. And I realized I had to do something or this was never going to stop.
To Get Rid of a Sociopath, Become a Sociopath
November. I finally realized I needed to get S out of my life to save my own life. I turned off my compassion. My understanding. My love. And my guilt. This one-man Salvation Army declared war on S.
S launched his next attack a few nights later. My phone rang at 11:15 and I was asleep. It was S, talking word salad. Then S moved in for the kill — he told me he had to be in court the next morning and didn’t have all the rent money. He asked if I would take some his jewelry as collateral for a loan.
I didn’t have the money, and started to babble something about taking a cash advance on my credit card when I snapped to and stopped cold. I realized he was manipulating me. I cut him off and told him to go into court with what money he had, the jewelry to show the judge he had something to sell to raise cash and take his chances.
The end came two weeks ago. S called me at 4:45 PM on Friday and told me that the landlord had changed the locks. S said his employer would lend him 10 grand to pay his back rent, but his bank was closed until Monday. S then asked me to lend him 10 grand CASH until Monday. I said “NO.” Then S asked if he could crash at my place. I agreed to one night — I finally decided we were going to have it out once and for all.
S arrived bloated (15 pounds heavier since the last time I saw him — he had already packed on 45 pounds since the start of the year), reeking of alcohol, with dirty matted hair, and smelling sour. I thought was “he’s manipulating you into feeling sorry for him.”
He launched his pity play. “How the person I hate most in this world (employer) came through for me again” (translation — I failed him). S then upped the ante and told me his blood pressure was now 220 over 180, his doctor thought he had diabetes and was afraid he was going to have a stroke. And on. And on. And on.
After four hours I finally told S that I didn’t know what to do for him anymore. I told S that I was sure he was on cocaine and our relationship wasn’t working since my needs weren’t being met in the least. S told me, “I love you and want things to go back to the way they were in the beginning.” I told him “No, you want me to pay your bills while you do whatever you want while I wait for you to call or text me. Those days are over. It’s clear we want different things, so I think its best if we no longer see each other.”
Then came the moment of true irony. I told S that I expected him to pay back the money I lent him. S replied indignantly “I always pay my debts.” I just stood there looking at him and thinking, “We’re standing in my kitchen at 2:30 AM because you have been locked out of your apartment for not paying your rent.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
The next morning I asked S if he wanted to take a shower. He refused. It dawned on me what S was up to — S was going to make the rounds, looking like he’d slept on a park bench and hit up everybody he could for cash. And then he was probably going to split.
Aftermath
Having read the stories of other Lovefraud bloggers, how they suffered at the hands of their sociopaths for years on end and ended up financially bankrupt, I know, on an intellectual level, that I got off relatively cheap. However, emotionally and physically, I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train.
A friend of mine told me I must be incredibly strong to have withstood what S put me through — he said he would have snapped a long time ago. Strong? I don’t think so. If I were strong I never would have allowed S to cannibalize my life like I did. I would have stood up to him long ago. I would have gotten rid of him instead of hanging on.
I’m furious at S for using me and making a mockery of my beliefs and my love. I’m furious at myself for letting S do this to me. My friends and family can’t bear to hear another word about S. I expect to crawl over miles of broken glass on my stomach before they’ll ever listen to me again.
S hasn’t vanished yet. I suspect he’s still working his scam. He has started the smear campaign. Several nights after I ended it S started showing up at places I frequent and events I had bought tickets to. S ended up seated directly opposite me at one event (reserved seating). Once is a coincidence. Three times is stalking.
A psychiatrist I consult with periodically on my cases told me, “Don’t think S is going to go away easy. He knows how good he had it with you. And there’s only one way to beat him — NO CONTACT.” I got the same advice from my detective friend who also told me that I could get a restraining order. But, if anyone should know how worthless they are, it’s me. So, now I am constantly on guard and looking over my shoulder — and maintaining NO CONTACT.
The money I “lent” S? I know it’s gone for good. But S will be held accountable to a higher power — the IRS. I had the good sense to write “LOAN” on every check I wrote to S. And when I was taking care of one of the numerous problems S was too lazy to deal with himself, he gave me his social security number.
My accountant sent the first collection letter today. Two more will go out. And when S doesn’t respond — and he won’t — I’ll report his debt to me as uncollectible. I get the tax loss, S gets nailed for income. Hey, if it was good enough to bring down the sociopath Al Capone, it’s good enough for me to bring down my sociopath — S.
Healing Heart: I don’t know the answer to your question about how long it takes or if we ever get over loving them … because that is what we are suppose to do, love each other.
I think when we get it through our heads that WE can not save them … only “they” can save themselves by praying to God and asking for forgiveness (repenting) … God will guide them how they can get closer to him … is when we get through the shock of what they are all about.
God tells us to stay away from them … for they are death … death to our souls … for they thrive on sin, which keeps them away from God… being away from God is death to their souls.
What we can do … is we can forgive ourselves for loving them … is when we start our healing process. The more we heal, the more we don’t think about them.
If this means anything to anyone.
Oh, we can fool ourselves that we hate or despise them … which is just a way of us in human form to smokescreen the reality of them being in our lives.
I think we basically get stronger after we heal … so that we can deal with what they are on a different level knowing they are lost, clueless souls who got caught up into believing that the worldly life is all there is to being.
Peace.
Thank you, Wini. Are they evil? Did God send them here to test us? Are THEY God’s children, too?
Sometimes I feel sad for my ex-S. I think he actually wants to be good. He reads a lot of new age spiritual books, the bible, actually taught ccd for a while, reads a course in miracles and goes to classes, but then continues to lie, cheat, abuse. It sometimes seemed like he was trying to fight his own nature – evil nature. He would actually meditate every morning, and talk about his relationship with God – but then lie, cheat, rage, rage, rage (I’ve never been yelled at by another person like this), abuse, exploit. I don’t understand how he could do both.
I don’t think he ever really “got” any of the spiritual stuff – though to his credit, he seemed to try. Sometimes I think he was an evil creature with a part of him that wanted to be a good human.
But then he was the cruelest, most hateful person, I had ever encountered, in the last two months we lived together. I thought he had gotten a brain tumor or something. Like he was overtaken by the devil.
healing heart Did he move in with you? live with you? or did he have his own place?
the rage the rage – this is my take on their rage – they are whore’s – drifter’s – unable to live by themselves, be alone with them selve’s. So we the care taker’s, provider’s – the one’s that give them an address, catch hell, because they resent the implyed commitment – that want to be free to do what ever who ever – and when they see it ain’t gonna happen with us they get pissed and resentful that they have ended up with another over bearing partner – if we would just sit back and kiss they butts and let them be the whores and lier’s they are they would be fine and happy – but of course they have that double standard – it is ok for them to stray but if we even look at another guy – they go into a rage because their address is threatened – and I think (myu) X is jealous and resentful that I have my own life, my own home, and I can come and go as I pleasde, I don’t have to be somebodys whore to keep a roof over my head – and I think they get frustrated with themselve’s because they do!!!!!!!!! if that makes any sense? I dont always makes sense – but there ya have it – they are EVIL – but I don’t think they comprehend that…
Healing Heart: In the definition of what EVIL is … believing in your own EGO, not focusing on God and how God wants us to live … yes, they are EVIL.
The Earth is the Devil’s playground. The Devil fell from the Heavens because his ego wanted to be bigger … better than God. So, the Devil left the heavens and came down to Earth. He was bored over the years … so he decided to play with the children of God’s (all of us) … the Devil keeps the crazy thoughts that go on in man’s heads alive and well … telling humans yes, yes, don’t focus on God … focus on what your insecure minds tell you. So, people believe in their own egos. Once you believe in your own ego … you move away from God … how God wants us to live.
Yes, he can read the Bible, but unless he quiets his mind … his ego … goes into a humble state … allowing God to enter our spirit … and believing the word of God … by reading the Bible to learn lessons of wisdom … his mind will read the words, but his ego won’t allow the knowledge to sink in. So the words in the Bible are just that … words.
Here’s part of what my spiritual adviser wrote me when I asked him how to quickly go about forgiving those who trespassed against me.
:… the need to forgive, to release the offender from responsibility for the way he treated you.
I’ve learned an important lesson that Jesus described as follows:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’
But I tell you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, they may be sons of your Father in heaven.”
(Mt 5:43-45)
I have learned to pray for God to bless the person(s)
who abused me, to help him do his/her job well and develop his/her character to be like Jesus.
Pray blessings on the offender.
It’s what my pastor calls “responding in the opposite spirit.”
I have discovered that doing so also helps me, because praying for God to bless that person helps me release him from guilt for his abusive behavior. Any time I sense anger rising up in me toward that person, I immediately pray for God to bless him. Here are some key points:
(1) blessing my offender helps me become like Jesus;
(2) dwelling on my anger and pain strengthens my sinful nature. It’s your choice: you can benefit from your experience and become more like Jesus, or you can allow your experience to make you more ungodly like the people who abused you.
You are not responsible for what those people did to you, but you certainly are responsible for the way you respond.”
I hope this answers some of your questions.
Peace.
Healing Heart: “They” are taken over by the Devil. The Devil or Satan made the same mistakes as they are making … believing in his own ego … believing they are better than what they are.
Hey, Satan doesn’t like being away from God on his own … so, he recruits others to be on the outs with God too… he’s lonely, he’s bored … he doesn’t want to spend eternity alone … so he keeps recruiting God’s children … to do EVIL … and he does this through temptations … you know what and how temptations can spin your head … so our EXs … get spun by the lure of temptations … sin … aka EVIL … aka … vice … and the saga repeats itself over and over again … different times, different generations … different souls … but it’s all the same … always the same game … Believe in God and you will live (your soul is alive to experience what being in human form is all about) … believe in yourself (your ego) … and you move away from God and die. Your soul dies … aka why they can do EVIL. Any form of EVIL.
I think the reason it takes a liftime to heal is because we’re healing not only from the pain inflicted on us by the x, but also from pain inflicted on us in childhood. Every trauma just intensifies our original pain and loss.
For example, I just got some news about some big changes in my job. Some people might think they were good changes, but I interpret the changes as abandonment–I’m afraid how the change will impact me.
I’ve accepted that, for me, I’ll be healing for the rest of my life. I’ll be learning new ways to see life and to respond to people around me.
These words are so helpful to me, thank you. Yes, Henry, he moved in with me. It seemed like way too soon, but I was so high on his adoration that I thought it might be just more of a good thing. He had a home – but he rented out rooms (of course to single women). I insisted that he not rent out his bedroom so that he could always go back if things didn’t go well. And so of course he used that bedroom (and many others around the city) for some of his trysts. Yes, he seemed to be enraged, mostly when I asked him to be accountable for his time. When he would come home 2 hours later than he was supposed to, or would just drop out of communication for hours – and I called him on it, he would go berserk. I was suffocating him, I was making it impossible for him to be nice to me because I was so controlling. I think he was very annoyed that I didn’t make it easy for him to have sex with other women as much as he wanted to. I threw him out as soon as I allowed myself to realize what was really happening (after three months of denial – it was too unbelievably horrible to be true). He has an ex-wife who put up with his horrible antics – in part because he took her, and her adolescent daughter in and supported them. She was uneducated, no prospects, and I think decided to strike a deal with the devil. They had two kids, who he sees at his whim. She keeps taking him back. Poor woman. I think one of the reasons he is so stunned that I won’t take him back is because his ex-wife (I think ex) always would – no matter what.
I think he was still with her, and a couple of other women, regularly, when he was living with me. And then I think there were many, many, other casual sex partners. Yet he keeps texting, calling, emailing (I keep blocking addresses, he opens new accounts) saying that I am his soulmate, he’s devastated I won’t take him back – and doesn’t understand how I could be so cold and cruel.
Unbelievable.
I’m so sorry all of you had this experience too, it’s heartbreaking. But I’m so relieved to have a community that understands. Other people just don’t. They can’t.
Pearl – yes, I agree entirely. This incident with him was so painful – and also was a gateway to my feeling a lot of pain of betrayal/abandonment from my childhood. I never would have fallen for him if my childhood had been more secure – if there hadn’t been abuse and neglect. I know that “healthier” women wouldn’t go for him. Of the women that I know of in his trash heap, there aren’t any that I would describe as healthy.
From what I understand, in the grand scheme of things, this happened so that I could access, and heal, this broken parts of myself so that they will no longer be broken – as they have been throughout my life.
People who meet me think I have it altogether, because I am “successful” in most conventional measures – but there has always been this hurt little girl…and now, hopefully, I can finally heal her.
Dear Healing Heart,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! It amazes me how “we” (victims) seem to fall again and again for the hype and the lies, and “give them another chance”—PUKE!!!
I think for me, (and I have had a succession of psychopaths from my biological father to my P-son, and an X BF) that the “giving up” on their lies becoming true was the most difficult part. Then, I beat myself up for being so “stupid” and letting them all use me over and over. For some reason it was so difficult for me to “divorce” my family, but that is what I had to do in order to heal, then to come to a resolution about the earlier hurts.
I’m 62 and just now “growing up,” at least into a more healthy and fully adult person.
I’m just now realizing that I don’t have to take all this stuff just because I did take it in the past. I’m learning to set boundaries.
My late husband and I had a great relationship and gave each other plenty of “space” to do our own things and yet we were very “together” and neither of us was jealous or controlling of the other, but just out of COMMON COURTESY I have always wanted to know at least the “approximate” time someone in the family was coming home so I didn’t worry that something had happened to them.
I have two adult sons who live at home here on our farm, one works for me, the other has an off-farm job, and we are all three very good about telling someone where we are going, and about when we will be back, and if we can’t meet that schedule, we call. Not because I control them or them me, but just common courtesy.
We like each other, so we treat each other with courtesy and caring, NOT CONTROL.
Psychopaths seem to “play” by the “rules” in the “psychopath’s play book” in their accusing us of being “controlling” when THEY are the ones that are trying to cover up their misbehavior. It is the old “the best defense is an offense.”
They project on to us the very things that they are guilty of: lying, sexual affairs, stealing, etc.
So if someone is accusing you of something you are not guilty of, you can almost always figure out that it is THEY ARE TELLING YOU WHAT THEY ARE DOING THAT IS EVIL.
My step-dad called that “reverse psychology.” LOL
Some women and men do make “deals with the devil” for “security” and money, but in my estimation it is always a BAD DEAL and they pay in blood for whatever advantages they get.