UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman about a “good guy” gone wrong. She went public with her experience in order to draw attention to the terrible problem of domestic violence. The name she uses on Lovefraud is “Tormented.”
In 2008, I divorced my husband of 18 years due to differences that unfortunately we couldn’t work out. We have three amazing children together and remain good friends in spite of our divorce, which has made things much easier for all of us.
Just five months after the divorce, I met a man who charmed me from the very beginning. I thought he was wonderful, and I quickly fell head over heels for him. A former county deputy sheriff, presently working as an Air Marshal and in the Army Reserves for nearly 20 years, he seemed like one of the “good guys” – a really good, down-to-earth person with a lot going for him. In his early 40s, he had never married and had no kids, which I thought was a good thing because I figured he lacked “baggage.” He seemed to love my kids, and when we married six months after we met, it felt natural and right. After all, I was 43, had been married for nearly two decades and knew exactly what I wanted.
What I didn’t realize was the fact that there were glaring red flags all over him. I guess I was either too naive or too trusting or both. For one thing, he had never been in a long-term relationship. And a few months into our marriage I discovered a box filled with photos of him with many, many different women over the years. Also, he had only one close friend. This friend of his attended our wedding, but only because we paid for the airfare and hotel. No other friends or family from his side bothered to attend. And the only wedding gift we received from his side was a $50 gift card to Pier 1 – from that one close friend of his.
Soon after we married, my new husband’s facade began to crack, and lies started to show through. Such as the fact that he had told me and my children that he had a college degree in Criminal Law, when in reality he had only taken a few online classes.
“Honeymoon” in Maui
When the verbal abuse started, I was not only horrified, but ashamed and embarrassed. I couldn’t believe the violent language that so easily flew from his lips, directed straight at me. When we went on our honeymoon to Maui, I ended up catching a flight home by myself two days early. I couldn’t begin to comprehend how a man could possibly yell at his new bride for hours on end, repeatedly calling her a f–king c-nt and scaring her to death while on their honeymoon. And his anger came out of nowhere, for no good reason. One night it was because I didn’t want to eat ice cream with him for dessert.
At this time, I was in between jobs and freelancing to keep some income coming in. I had the opportunity to work on a large, potentially lucrative business deal that I was very excited about. Out of the blue, my husband called up my potential client and accused him of having an affair with me. I was horrified and of course, lost the deal.
It became very apparent that I had made a terrible mistake, and yet I remained in a state of denial for several months as the wonderful man I thought I’d married simply faded away. I no longer recognized my husband through all of the degrading name calling and emotional manipulation. I cried nearly every day of the ten months we were married. My heart was bludgeoned, my self esteem utterly destroyed.
Domestic violence
After the disastrous honeymoon, I insisted on marriage counseling, however our psychologist gave up after only four sessions. She said she was unable to help us work things out unless he received individual counseling first. When she mentioned the words “domestic violence” to me, I was stunned. I had no idea that verbal abuse was considered domestic violence, and I couldn’t believe that I had entered this devastating realm that I’d never imagined would be a part of my life.
Ten months after our wedding, I finally found the courage to ask for a separation. I told him that I needed two months of peace, to think about our relationship and where we should go from there. I realized that another divorce was most likely on the horizon for me, however I still held out hope that he would miraculously change and the abuse would end. I was desperate for that man I fell in love with in the very beginning to reappear. How could that good man have been replaced by this abusive, violent monster who obviously hated me?
Just five days after I asked for the separation, he showed up on my front patio unannounced and forced his way into my home. He had just flown into town, and being an Air Marshal who always wears a gun strapped to his chest, I could tell that he was packing by the bulge under his shirt. He paced through my home, yelling and at times talking irrationally. Twice he said that we should go into the bedroom and have sex, that it would be “good for both of us.” Terrified, I cried and begged him to leave. He yelled at me and said he would leave when he was ready to leave. He continued to pace and yell. Sobbing and shaking uncontrollably, I finally called the police. I had never called 911 before in my life, but I was so frightened that he would physically hurt me or worse. Later, when the police officers removed him from my property and encouraged me to file an Order of Protection against him, I was completely beside myself.
Order of Protection
I soon discovered that filing an Order of Protection against my husband was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It was devastating to think that I had to go to that extreme measure to keep myself, and my children, safe. Especially when I was trying to keep myself safe from the one person who I thought had my best interests at heart. Someone I had trusted and opened my entire life to. Someone I believed in. To have to cope with the fact that my husband never really loved me at the same time when I was also dealing with having to file an Order of Protection against him was beyond devastating. It was also an extremely lonely place to be.
Read more: Dr. Donald G. Dutton explains that personality disorder is the cause of domestic violence
My Order of Protection case itself ended up being a lengthy, stressful ordeal. Along the way his attorney was very persistent about proposing a settlement since he would have been fired from his Air Marshal position if the Order of Protection remained upheld. In the end, I chose to settle and ended up with an even greater and longer lasting protection through a Court Order attached to our divorce decree, in addition to reimbursement from him for all of my divorce and legal fees. Presently, he can’t even enter the state where I live and can never contact me or my children forever.
Affairs
During this ordeal, I started writing a blog as a way to release the painful feelings I was coping with while also speaking out to help other women going through the same kind of situation. Ironically, my blog has enabled women from his past and present life to find me online.
Horribly enough, I discovered that for most of the time we were together, he was having an affair with a married woman. This woman was shocked to find my blog and to learn of my existence. She emailed me the story of their affair, and I learned that while he was in the process of marrying me, he was simultaneously trying to convince her to leave her husband for him. I have no doubt that there were other women in his life at that time as well. The combination of his vicious abuse and his disgusting betrayal have been horrendous to deal with.
On top of all this, I contracted a sexually transmitted disease from him that has since been resolved through medication. It was discovered while we were married, and yet his response was to call me a f–king wh-re and accuse me of having an affair. He refused to believe that he was carrying an STD, which I’m sure he continues to spread around.
I am speaking out and sharing my story with the hopes that I can reach other women who may be hiding in the shadows with their own stories of abuse. I appeared on local TV news segments, as well as in our state newspaper. It’s terrifying to “come out” publicly with my story, but I’m hoping that by doing this I’ll make it a little easier for the next woman. The only way to eradicate domestic violence is to lean on each other, stand up, speak out and educate. The main thrust of my message is: You are not to blame and you are not alone.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal: How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Oct. 13, 2010.
10 tips to start dating again after leaving a sociopath
skylar,
With the h-spath, I had never known anyone who lied so much either, being puzzled by the need to do so. It wasn’t until things went down hill in our lives, I discovered this trait of his – extreemly annoying. He seemed incapable of telling the truth, especially about serious matters – he’d lie to cover is _ss.
bluejay – mine wouldn’t utter a word beyond, ‘i like donuts’ if she didn’t lie lie lie.
———————————
we are traumatized as spath survivors…but do you ever stand back and look at the breadth of ruined, damaged and victimized people who are left, as sky says, with pieces of ourselves in our laps – the intensity of it all is far too much. and they rool on. our suffering the ba b side of the movie,’vic #1, vic#2….the utter, enormous shear lack of compassion and empathy is staggering.
i am having a really really bad day. the pain killers have left me a wobbly mess emotionally. someone, in sheer STUPIDITY has removed some info i put up online to protect others – hacked into my account to do it. online is such a friendly place. i feel f**king crazed.
(and oxy if you feel compelled to yell ‘nc’ – just don’t. i am trying to walk through this mess, and having to deal with you telling me i should go another direction instead of actually being of support is a waste of my time, and has set me back and AWAY from my intuition more than once, and i am not having it.)
and as is obvious – i have a spear in each hand. i will get some more help this week, set up as soon as possible. god, these drugs have left some horrible after affect.
someone shared with me about going someplace sacred and wailing and yelling and working it though – i tried the last two weekends – back…pain…i feel really really ugly – like she won.
a plea to the universe, help me. i feel i will implode, i feel ugly, i feel in a corner, and frightened.
Oxdrover;
I did not mean to imply smoking, drinking… as “red flags” mean a bad person. It was just things I normally stay away from. Same with flight attendants. The “red flag” was the implicit atypical relationship with one party being away for extended periods…
But, as you pointed out, the mirroring thing was the real red flag in terms of sociopathic behavior. Then came the flattering, to the point where on several occasions I felt very uncomfortable, yet charmed…
one_step_at_a_time,
Have you ever looked into macrobiotics – wondering if this could help alleviate some of your health concerns. A book that I read a couple of years ago (when I was considering going macrobiotic in diet), was The Cure is in the Kitchen, by Dr. Sherry A. Rogers, M.D. I read the book (having found it at the library) and was fascinated by the book. This doctor practices macrobiotics and would encourage her patients (some with serious allergy problems, etc.), prescribing a diet that was specific for the patient, helping the person to overcome his/her ailments. Please don’t take offense at this suggestion, not telling you what to do – it’s an alternative approach to conventional medicine.
hi bluejay – thanks for the suggestion and not big on conventional medicine – i am a looking at a rotation diet, but i am having a hard time implementing it. i have been dealing with health issues for for almost 30 years and have tried many things. macrobiotics is not a way i can go unfortunately, for a variety of reasons.
Dear One, Your feelings are REAL! YOu’ve been kicked from multiple directions, and the drugs and the pain are only two of them. Take care of YOURSELF FIRST, that’s my only advice! (((Hugs)))
one_step_at_a_time,
That’s why I didn’t implement a macrobiotic way of eating in my lifestyle – I felt like I was starving, constantly cooking, having a hard tim keeping at it. I will say that I felt great while on the diet, but it was so time consuming, plus I like the American diet (not the healthiest, I know). I have told myself that if I ever find out that I have some deadly illness, I’ll be practicing macrobiotics, recovering from the illness (via the help of the diet) or dying from it (whatever the sickness is).
Onestep, drugs and anger will do a number on you.
Diets are good as a long term fix and very important, but right now you need a quick fix and I recommend accupuncture. Community Accupuncture is available in many parts of the country (google it) and cheaper but equally effective. I’ve used it everytime I screw myself up with too much coffee, wine, sleeping pills, stress or bad diet. It helps get you back to your baseline – realigns your energy. I’m ridiculously sensitive to my environment, (I can only drink 1/2 cup of my glorious and worshipped coffee per day – addicted to it.) So, anything throws me out of whack and accupuncture is a saving grace. please try it soon, I’m sure you’ll feel better and your followup efforts will be more effective.
Oxy, I agree with onestep about smoking and drinking. Did you ever consider that you are ready to quit smoking now because you have removed so many spaths from your life? From what I’ve noticed, smoking is very common in spaths but it’s also common in people like us, who are good, but whose lives are surrounded by them. smoking calms you down right? It makes the drama more bearable. My exP smoked and so does my BF. I’m so glad that you have reached that point in your life where you have enough peace to let go of smoking. Kudos to you.
I did get the exP to quit though. LOL. I told him that he left cigarette butts everywhere he went and would be really easy to track. He quit the next dayl hahahahahahahahha. ROTFLOL.
even before I knew what he was, I could see which buttons to push.
I have some bad news: yesterday one of my cats died (of hyperthyroidism/old age 18 years) and another was diagnosed with lymphoma – only 11 years old. Harsh. All in one day. I’m only mentioning it because both problems could have been improved or avoided by diet. The Spath made this kind of focus impossible and so does our sociopathic society.
By using gray rock – lack of response to the DRAMA they constantly create in our lives – we can keep focused on what’s important and avoid horrible endings. They know exactly what they are doing. Creating drama, so that we can’t function or see what’s important, then we spiral out of control. They hope for suicide but will be quite happy with bankruptcy or alcoholism. THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING. THEY STUDY US.
Greetings again, everyone!
I saw some familiar faces on this thread and just wanted to drop in and give you all a hug, especially those having a bad day. Please see my post on the “price of soul” thread for an update on my life.
Other than what I’ve shared on that thread, I have been utilizing the free therapist that I’ve seen on and off for years through my employee assistance program at work. She happens to be trained in various types of trauma work like EMDR. I must say that she has really been helping me. I feel very lucky. Even work has greatly improved. I came back from Costa Rica to a hug from my supervisor that I never used to get along with, and a pay raise for being a high performer. Since then, I’ve worked hard not to let the little things there bother me. It’s paid off and I have come to love my office job.
I also forgot to mention that I picked up a two-weekend medical massage training, which is helping my massage clients. It may also improve my income one of these days. But if I move to Costa Rica, I will probably teach English over there.
Enough of my ranting. I think of you guys a lot, even though I don’t check in much. Just a reminder that there is life after a sociopath.
Love,
Star
sky- working with a couple of other modalities – and can’t bring another in yet, it would be too much for this body, too.
so, sorry to hear about your cats. for most of their lives i gave mine a homemade diet, and it made a huge diff to the toxin levels in their bodies. someone crushed the pelvis of one of them (so many evil people in the world). i had him on some high quliaty canned food for a while, but when he started to stiffen up a couple of years later I went back to using a homemade natural diet and all the stiffness left. i found great help online in a ‘cat forum’ that dealt with natural healing, it was long ago, and I don’t remember the name of it.