UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman about a “good guy” gone wrong. She went public with her experience in order to draw attention to the terrible problem of domestic violence. The name she uses on Lovefraud is “Tormented.”
In 2008, I divorced my husband of 18 years due to differences that unfortunately we couldn’t work out. We have three amazing children together and remain good friends in spite of our divorce, which has made things much easier for all of us.
Just five months after the divorce, I met a man who charmed me from the very beginning. I thought he was wonderful, and I quickly fell head over heels for him. A former county deputy sheriff, presently working as an Air Marshal and in the Army Reserves for nearly 20 years, he seemed like one of the “good guys” – a really good, down-to-earth person with a lot going for him. In his early 40s, he had never married and had no kids, which I thought was a good thing because I figured he lacked “baggage.” He seemed to love my kids, and when we married six months after we met, it felt natural and right. After all, I was 43, had been married for nearly two decades and knew exactly what I wanted.
What I didn’t realize was the fact that there were glaring red flags all over him. I guess I was either too naive or too trusting or both. For one thing, he had never been in a long-term relationship. And a few months into our marriage I discovered a box filled with photos of him with many, many different women over the years. Also, he had only one close friend. This friend of his attended our wedding, but only because we paid for the airfare and hotel. No other friends or family from his side bothered to attend. And the only wedding gift we received from his side was a $50 gift card to Pier 1 – from that one close friend of his.
Soon after we married, my new husband’s facade began to crack, and lies started to show through. Such as the fact that he had told me and my children that he had a college degree in Criminal Law, when in reality he had only taken a few online classes.
“Honeymoon” in Maui
When the verbal abuse started, I was not only horrified, but ashamed and embarrassed. I couldn’t believe the violent language that so easily flew from his lips, directed straight at me. When we went on our honeymoon to Maui, I ended up catching a flight home by myself two days early. I couldn’t begin to comprehend how a man could possibly yell at his new bride for hours on end, repeatedly calling her a f–king c-nt and scaring her to death while on their honeymoon. And his anger came out of nowhere, for no good reason. One night it was because I didn’t want to eat ice cream with him for dessert.
At this time, I was in between jobs and freelancing to keep some income coming in. I had the opportunity to work on a large, potentially lucrative business deal that I was very excited about. Out of the blue, my husband called up my potential client and accused him of having an affair with me. I was horrified and of course, lost the deal.
It became very apparent that I had made a terrible mistake, and yet I remained in a state of denial for several months as the wonderful man I thought I’d married simply faded away. I no longer recognized my husband through all of the degrading name calling and emotional manipulation. I cried nearly every day of the ten months we were married. My heart was bludgeoned, my self esteem utterly destroyed.
Domestic violence
After the disastrous honeymoon, I insisted on marriage counseling, however our psychologist gave up after only four sessions. She said she was unable to help us work things out unless he received individual counseling first. When she mentioned the words “domestic violence” to me, I was stunned. I had no idea that verbal abuse was considered domestic violence, and I couldn’t believe that I had entered this devastating realm that I’d never imagined would be a part of my life.
Ten months after our wedding, I finally found the courage to ask for a separation. I told him that I needed two months of peace, to think about our relationship and where we should go from there. I realized that another divorce was most likely on the horizon for me, however I still held out hope that he would miraculously change and the abuse would end. I was desperate for that man I fell in love with in the very beginning to reappear. How could that good man have been replaced by this abusive, violent monster who obviously hated me?
Just five days after I asked for the separation, he showed up on my front patio unannounced and forced his way into my home. He had just flown into town, and being an Air Marshal who always wears a gun strapped to his chest, I could tell that he was packing by the bulge under his shirt. He paced through my home, yelling and at times talking irrationally. Twice he said that we should go into the bedroom and have sex, that it would be “good for both of us.” Terrified, I cried and begged him to leave. He yelled at me and said he would leave when he was ready to leave. He continued to pace and yell. Sobbing and shaking uncontrollably, I finally called the police. I had never called 911 before in my life, but I was so frightened that he would physically hurt me or worse. Later, when the police officers removed him from my property and encouraged me to file an Order of Protection against him, I was completely beside myself.
Order of Protection
I soon discovered that filing an Order of Protection against my husband was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It was devastating to think that I had to go to that extreme measure to keep myself, and my children, safe. Especially when I was trying to keep myself safe from the one person who I thought had my best interests at heart. Someone I had trusted and opened my entire life to. Someone I believed in. To have to cope with the fact that my husband never really loved me at the same time when I was also dealing with having to file an Order of Protection against him was beyond devastating. It was also an extremely lonely place to be.
Read more: Dr. Donald G. Dutton explains that personality disorder is the cause of domestic violence
My Order of Protection case itself ended up being a lengthy, stressful ordeal. Along the way his attorney was very persistent about proposing a settlement since he would have been fired from his Air Marshal position if the Order of Protection remained upheld. In the end, I chose to settle and ended up with an even greater and longer lasting protection through a Court Order attached to our divorce decree, in addition to reimbursement from him for all of my divorce and legal fees. Presently, he can’t even enter the state where I live and can never contact me or my children forever.
Affairs
During this ordeal, I started writing a blog as a way to release the painful feelings I was coping with while also speaking out to help other women going through the same kind of situation. Ironically, my blog has enabled women from his past and present life to find me online.
Horribly enough, I discovered that for most of the time we were together, he was having an affair with a married woman. This woman was shocked to find my blog and to learn of my existence. She emailed me the story of their affair, and I learned that while he was in the process of marrying me, he was simultaneously trying to convince her to leave her husband for him. I have no doubt that there were other women in his life at that time as well. The combination of his vicious abuse and his disgusting betrayal have been horrendous to deal with.
On top of all this, I contracted a sexually transmitted disease from him that has since been resolved through medication. It was discovered while we were married, and yet his response was to call me a f–king wh-re and accuse me of having an affair. He refused to believe that he was carrying an STD, which I’m sure he continues to spread around.
I am speaking out and sharing my story with the hopes that I can reach other women who may be hiding in the shadows with their own stories of abuse. I appeared on local TV news segments, as well as in our state newspaper. It’s terrifying to “come out” publicly with my story, but I’m hoping that by doing this I’ll make it a little easier for the next woman. The only way to eradicate domestic violence is to lean on each other, stand up, speak out and educate. The main thrust of my message is: You are not to blame and you are not alone.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal: How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Oct. 13, 2010.
10 tips to start dating again after leaving a sociopath
Fakers:
Every guy I have been with is fake.
I will focus on the most destructive one. My youngest son’s dad.
I already posted this one many times, but I believe it so disturbing that it is worth posting again.
He came off as Mr. Wonderful. At least he showed me this. He was already showing my family a combative personality. Which I did not see. Did he wait until I went to the bathroom to show his dark side to my family?
He was looking to make me look like an unfit mother, and later on he was looking to land me in jail.
He sprayed me with beer. We were leaving to attend Open House at my kids school. He came at me with a can of beer. He had a little smile on his face as he got closer. Then he opened the can of beer and the contents sprayed all over me. I was coated with beer. There was no time for a shower. I had appointments to meet teachers that night. I had to towel dry and off we went.
He sprayed beer on me again when I was getting ready for appointment with pediatrician for our baby. This time I knew what he was up to. But, I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. He sprayed me again with beer. Again I didn’t have time to shower. I had to towel dry to make the appt. on time.
I was so fed up with him. I wanted him out. I told him to move. He said he doesn’t have to, and WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???
Well, he decided he would have me removed from my house. He tried it in a calculating way.
He took me to the local bar. He was buying me beer and shots. I thought it was odd that he was buying yet, not having any. But, I dismissed it cause it was a fun time.
We got home to my house. I was in the kitchen talking and laughing with my kids. He was sitting in the living room. I heard his conversation. He was on the phone with the police. He told the police I’m beating him up. In this bored voice he said “ouch Jeannie stop hitting me. Ouch Jeannie that hurts”.
The police came and said I would go to jail if they get called back.
I believe he was trying to put me in jail so he could take over my house. And, he could have! But, I managed to have him removed by the police first.
Yet, The police in that city have a “diary” on me. They remember me as the problem, because I had so many problems with men that involved the police.
I allowed him to take our son for a visit and he wouldn’t bring him back. I filed in court to get my son back. He said I am an unfit mother. He said I’m a drunk and a drug-addict.
His accusations didn’t fly. But, it was extremely stressful for me to go through. Cause all I did was let my son see his dad.
He took his life in 2004. He jumped off a building after he lost at gambling.
Dear Jeannie,
WOW, all I can say is I am so sorry this man hurt you so badly. I can’t even imagine how you must have hurt, and then he wanted control so badly he was willing to give his life to get it. Doesn’t make any sense to us in any way.
I can imagine the scene with the spraying beer though, that is so low, who would have thought of it except a pscyhopath? That look of glee in their eyes?
There’s no way you can control what is past, but accept it and get on with YOUR life, being good to yourself and your son. God bless. (((hugs))))
Dear Jeannie,
Couldnt have happened to a worse guy!Its no great loss to the human race! A great pity he didnt do it sooner!
What a low life, sadistic Moron.
Love,
Mama gem.XX
jeannie, I feel the same way, they were all fakers.
I’m so glad you got your son back.
The beer spraying is just totally crazy.
I agree with Oxy, who would even think of that?
We’ll just keep going forward together,
one little step at a time!!!
How devastating this experience must have been – and how undeserved.
The advice I would give to others – follow the old Matchmaker Rules :- (1) Don’t rush in – the old rules of – know them for one year, then be engaged for one year – were there for good reason (it is hard to keep up a facade continuously for very long). (2) Do your research thoroughly before becoming involved with anyone (if they have nothing to hide, they will respect you for your common sense). (3)Get to know their family, friends, doctor, and workmates. (4) See how they relate to others in all sorts of situations – including when under stress or during sickness (yours and his). (5) who will give references – or If there are people he doesn’t want you to talk to – run a mile (it is not normal to have only one or two friends). (6) Listen carefully to what people do say – and what he says. Listen carefully to what he says about ex’s. (7) Find out his attitudes to women, children, the elderly, animals, ethnic groups, politics, money, domestic chores, sharing, the law, etc etc.
My psychopath often called himself “Mr Wonderful”. When he died of cancer a few years later, I learnt that he had organised his funeral and designed the “Order of Service” which people would keep as a memento. In it, he had one of the photos captioned “Mr Wonderful”. The chapel was filled – mainly with women (who were probably there to see that he had actually gone). As my future husband and I were leaving the cemetery about an hour later, a huge black ball of smoke issued from the crematorium chimney – and I choose to believe that it was him being incinerated.
I have come to the assumption that sociopaths are everywhere but they differ in severity and symptoms. Spaths are famous, impoverished, millionaires, charmers, thugs, religious, physically attractive, ugly, and so on. So the more we confess and explain to each other the better; I love Lovefraud. From this website we all realize that some spaths are worse than others but in the end their peers and family are usually the victim.
Unfortunately, I have come to the realization that I have had an unfair share of spaths. Growing up in a small neighborhood with a high incidence of poverty seems to increase the chances of mental illness, narcissism, sociopathy, and sexual misconduct. Parenting skills are limited, entertainment oppurtunities are not kid-friendly, role models are poor, education is not an issue, domestic violence is overlooked, and sometimes it becomes every man for himself (thus a sociopath is born).
Education is important to get a hold of this phenom. Sometimes empathy has to be taught, sometimes parents have to be taught to love their kids, people have to be encouraged to report and leave abusive situations; there needs to be a bar set, education provided, and laws enforced for those that grow up in an anti-social environment ( whether nature or nurture). I know, easier said than done.
I have never been a person to sit back and watch as negative things happen in my inner circle so I offer advice way more than I should, praying for wisdom as I speak- gotta start somewhere. Good luck to everyone affected by poverty or sociopaths in their life! I wish you wisdom and positive choices.
The talking heads were talking about Tayor Swift’s song to John Mayer, and how it seemed that “all his romances” end poorly….and they were wondering what went on with him that his romances seemed to leave a lot of devastation behind with the GFs.
ARE WE SEEING A PATTERN HERE FOLKS?
Maybe Taylor is SWIFTER than some people might think—looks like she has caught on to Mayer. (small pun intended)
Dear Shojo,
I agree with you I also pray for wisdom and it’s been slow in coming! I wish I knew though whether the egg came first or the chicken in the sociopath first or poverty second, or poverty first and sociopathy second.
I think the reason there is so much sociopathy among the poverty stricken is that a) there is a lot of drug addiction which goes along with Sociopathy as well as causes poverty b) sociopaths don’t stay in school many times, thus have difficulty getting better paying jobs c) the males produce and then leave unsupported children from single or divorced mothers, which again produces more poverty.
I realize bad luck or some unfortunate choices or bad health can produce poverty, but my thinking is that sociopathy is the cause of most POVERTY. Not that the person who is poverty stricken IS THE SOCIOPATH, but that their poverty is the result of a sociopath directly or indirectly.
Look at how many women on here are impoverished as a result of a psychopath’s either stealing from them, leaving them with kids to support alone, etc. THEY ARE NOT the psychopath, yet they were directly driven to poverty by the psychopath’s behavior.
How many parents have been impoverished in a vain attempt to bail out a psychopathic adult child?
It isn’t a crime to be poor, but crime CAUSES poverty a lot more I think than Poverty causes crime. Psychopaths tend to be criminals more than the “average guy” and criminals because of their spotty work history tend to be more in the low end of the financial stick.
People who are not criminally inclined, even if they are poor, do not commit crimes and may still be on the low side of income, but they still live a more stable life and are more inclined to nurture and educate their children.
Some psychopaths manage to stay in school, and even become professionals, lawyers, judges, senators, governors, doctors, nurses, etc. but their personal lives are chaotic.
There is definitely a wide range of the activities and lives, but the common thread that runs throughout them all is the lack of connection to others, the lack of ability to love, and lack of remorse for the things they do.
I agree that some of us get an “unfair’ share of psychopaths in our lives by being born into a nest of vipers, and/or marrying into another nest of them. Or by being born into a culture that tolerates their destructive behavior, but we do have a choice now as adults to leave that world…and I hope and pray the wisdom to stay away!
Dear ElleJay:
Thanks for your post, simple, concise and right on the mark. I totally believe this too.
Dear Adam’s Rib:
Wow, I had not heard anything about these lyrics or this song-or anything about this. Thank you for posting the lyrics. Sheesh! That’s a real shame. I detest John Mayer he is really messed up and very creepy to say the least. a real predator always pulling in new and younger ones. Sicko.
Dear Jeannie 812:
Thank you so much for having the courage to tell your truth. That is so shaming what he did on every level. You are not alone is all I can tell you. I am so sorry for your pain and I mean it. : )