Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by 26 year-old Lovefraud reader “Clarissa.” Names have been changed.
My name is Clarissa. I have just ended a relationship with someone who I believe is a sociopath. I’m having a difficult time accepting and trying to understand this relationship and getting over the events that occurred.
Reconnecting with Blain after so many years
I will call my ex “Blain.” I had dated him briefly in high school and broke up with him. He randomly contacted me online 9 years later and was very persistent in me going for a coffee with him. At first I ignored him but when I saw he kept messaging me I said ok, I ended up meeting him and didn’t think anything of him except I found him a little creepy (something about his stare).
At this time I worked late and had to take the subway late at night. He would always offer to pick me up from work and I found that nice and flattering (as he was making such an effort to see me even though my schedule was so difficult). I kept spending time with him almost every day. I began to enjoy his company and shared a lot of personal information with him. He seemed so perfect, listening to me and always being there. He had told me that once he “caught feelings for someone” he would usually disconnect from the relationship.
Things continued this way before I noticed we were seeing each other every day and he was always in contact with me, texting me, calling me always asking what I was doing. He would ask me a lot of questions about myself yet he wasn’t very open or wouldn’t really elaborate about himself (like what he did for work).
Blain becomes a different person
Within the first couple of months he was very attentive and would take me out for dinners. I began to develop an emotional attachment to him. However, I began to notice he would randomly send me strange texts and started criticizing certain things about me; he would call me an alcoholic if I wanted to go for a drink when it wasn’t his idea. He started slowly telling me who was right for me out of my friends and who wasn’t. Even so much as telling me my friends did not want anything good for me.
He had bought me an expensive phone after we dated for about 3 months. One day I noticed he hadn’t called me all day, which never happened. I finally called him in the evening and he was very rude and told me he did not want to be with me anymore. I was extremely upset and pleaded him to tell me why, he was reluctant to answer. He finally told me he doesn’t want a girl like me because I liked one of my classmates (male) photos on Facebook. We ended up getting into a huge fight over it and I begged him to come and see me. After this incident he started becoming a different person.
Obsessed with checking my phone
He became obsessed with checking my phone (the one he had bought me). He would get mad at me for the smallest reasons such as me interrupting him while he was speaking, making plans with my friends, drinking if I wasn’t with him or even when I was with him.
At this point I found myself walking on eggshells always trying to avoid him getting mad at me, which would lead to what I called the “punishment” of him being cold and rude to me. I was afraid to make plans with my friends. He never told me not to, he would rather tell me “go make plans” in a spiteful way, like you will see what happens if and when you do.
When I did go see my friends I would be scared to tell him so I would tell him I was doing other things. He would interrogate to the point I was extremely uncomfortable and tell him the truth. When I would tell him the truth he would consistently accuse me of being a liar over and over, and almost used it as an excuse to question my every move. If there was something I didn’t tell him he would call me a liar and would say he hates liars. He never wanted to trust me almost as if it was more convenient this way for him.
Moody, Distrustful, and Fired
All this behavior started to multiply. He became extremely moody and started checking my phone on a regular basis to the point where if my phone wasn’t on the dashboard in the car he would accuse me of hiding something. Not to mention he had 2 phones and one was used for “business.” I had never looked at his phones.
I started to catch on and told him he was very jealous and paranoid, he denied this and told me he was acting this way because I lied to him in the past. I told him that he is so controlling and his behavior makes me uncomfortable and how does he expect me to be open about everything when he gets mad at me over everything and criticizes my every move.
He didn’t like my job, which had me dealing with people in a high end hotel. He would constantly ask me did you ever go home with anyone you met there or had any relations, which I never did. He told me that job was bad for me . Eventually I got fired from this job, which left me in a very bad place.
At this point he pretty much isolated me from all of my friends, so all I had left was him. I started feeling terrible anxiety. One of my long time friends contacted me, and Blain told me he thought it was embarrassing if I was friends with him and wouldn’t be with me if I was friends with this person.
One time when he saw I spoke to this friend and when Blain asked me I denied it. He forced me to check my phone and when he saw the phone call he threw a huge fit, swearing and yelling at me in a public place (pharmacy). He again threatened to break up with me and when I tried to calm him down he literally pushed me so hard away from him.
We had nothing
The controlling got worse until I was clearly unhappy, since I wasn’t working. It appeared he had a lot of free time on his hands. He would always want to spend time with me every day, until the point came were we had nothing to talk about anymore.
He told me he was working and he had all these big plans, and he was working on something new. He later admitted to me he was never working during this time. When I wanted to go out like we did in the beginning of the relationship, he would tell me he has no money and that I was too used to how things were in the beginning, that I wasn’t happy unless he spent money on me (which was never the case).
Old friends and new friends don’t mix
One day I decided to go for lunch with a childhood friend. He had known I have been friends with him forever. I was scared to tell Blain this and told him I had gone with my mom. While I was having lunch, he had driven by my house to see which car I was in and was texting me “where are you,””I know where you are.”
I told him the truth and he broke up with me stating, that I’m a liar and he doesn’t want a girl that goes for lunch with another guy and lies (even though he had known he was a good friend of my mine since we were kids.) HE SAID YOU EITHER DROP YOUR FRIEND OR INTRODUCE ME TO HIM (my friend hated him since high school because he said his stare made him uncomfortable).
I’m a sociopath, you’re a liar
Blain told me he just can’t live with that at all. When he was breaking up with me he stated he was a sociopath and had roaches in his head. When I asked him to elaborate he would tell me he will go to any lengths to get what he wants and that he’s done a lot of things in his life he is not proud of.
Within hours of breaking up with me he was contacting me non-stop. I felt guilty because Blain’s birthday was a day before he broke up with me. I begged him and pleaded him to forgive me until he did, but not fully. He would consistently call me a liar again.
Eventually I told him we couldn’t be together and he did everything in his power to get me back. My parents and friends started hating him because they long noticed his negative effect on me. I was very hesitant to take him back at this point and he had promised he would never hurt me again and would never leave me that he loved me. Then he stated that he only realized he loved me when he broke up with me, which did not make sense, since he had told me he loved me previously. I had the worst feeling about taking him back and eventually since he was so persistent I did.
Not good enough to meet the parents
For about a month, he was on his best behavior. After a month I started to see his old self slowly re-appear. He would have sudden mood swings to the point where I didn’t even know what mood he would wake up in and how he would treat me that day. He started complaining about how little sex we were having in comparison to the beginning of the relationship (which was all the time because I almost felt obligated to. If I didn’t he would get mad at me or act unsatisfied).
We both lived with our parents and he never made any effort to introduce me to his parents and therefore he would never invite me over when his parents were home. When I brought this up to him he made excuses like I didn’t hold the fork in the right hand when I ate and later said he was joking.
I had told him I didn’t want to have sex in his car any more, that it degraded me and made me uncomfortable. He did not like this and threw a tantrum and even tried to manipulate me into feeling guilty, like I wasn’t pleasing him as a man. He once even told me that if I didn’t please him he would find someone who would.
At this point I was confused and told him he was a manipulator and his behavior was disgusting and immature. He admitted to his behavior and said he can’t believe himself and how’s he’s acting, but a day later would go back to complaining and draining my energy over this issue.
During this time I started noticing I was losing my attraction to him, that his immaturity had completely turned me off. I would notice he would sit there and expect me to make a move on him, and when I didn’t, he would treat me badly (ie.”punish me”). I started questioning if I even enjoy his company, because of his constant interrogations, accusations and criticism (which he stated he wanted to better me).
There was so much inconsistency with what he said, based on his moods. After he could tell me he was crazy, within 20 minutes he would act like he never said and anything and called me crazy. He even told me he had an outer body experience, where he looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize himself that he often looks in the mirror and feels incredibly angry.
I had called an old friend one day just to say hi. After the phone rang twice, I had hung up before he answered and later that evening I met up with Blain. As soon as Blain saw my phone light up he got angry and said, “You have a message, why is your phone on silent. What are you hiding from me?”
I got scared and told him it was my friend calling from his work number. He wanted me to call that person back in front of him and I wouldn’t. He called me the next day and said I will either tell him the truth or we are done.
That same day I met Blain after work. I had to use the washroom so he stopped by an ice cream shop. I asked Blain to join me and/or if he wanted anything.
While I went to use the bathroom he had completely checked my phone and was standing outside the ice cream shop with a very scary intense stare. I had asked if he wanted any of my ice cream and he replied no, I checked your phone lets read it together. I refused. It humiliated me. I had told him it wasn’t like what he thought nothing happened. He didn’t want to hear it.
This was also 2 weeks before my birthday. He dropped me off at home and told me he needs space. I had not spoken to him in 10 days he didn’t call and I didn’t either.
After 10 days he began calling and texting me non-stop I ignored him for 3 days and he didn’t stop. Eventually I answered and told him I want nothing to do with him any longer. That didn’t stop him. He mailed flowers to my work, bought me a very expensive birthday gift, and flowers again and I still refused to get back with him.
He still continues to contact me randomly either asking to talk, telling me he loves me, at times he admits he’s wrong and at times he gets angry and says hurtful things. He consistently asks me over and over if I’m seeing someone else. I tell him after such an unhealthy relationship it’s very hard to get into another relationship. He constantly asks if I’m sleeping with someone and I tell him honestly that I have not. I even told him that it seems to me that he was always so paranoid of me cheating is because he was doing it himself; since I never did, nor did I question him about it. He says he never did that he’s not a traitor, but I tell him he would never admit to it regardless.
As of today he just says, “I made a mistake. I may be wrong at times don’t be angry at me. I never wanted anything bad for you.” I was going to put a ring on it. It truly seems he just don’t feel any empathy or doesn’t realize how his actions affect others, and just says things without really meaning it.
Based on your previous experience I know you have a good understanding of sociopaths behavior. Does Blain fit the characteristics? This relationship really took a toll on my emotional well being. Please give me some advice based on your opinion?
Donna Andersen responds
Yes, Blain is a sociopath. In fact, he is a textbook case, which is why I wanted to post your letter. If any Lovefraud reader sees this type of behavior, know that you’re dealing with a sociopath. It will never get better. You should end the relationship.