In February 1999, my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, was finished with me. I had no more money, no more credit and no more earning capacity, because my business was ruined. So Montgomery arranged for me to find out that he’d had a child with another woman during our marriage. With this, I left, as I’m sure he expected.
Oh, he made a few attempts to reel me back in. “It’s not what you think,” he said. “Let me explain.” I didn’t. I kept driving.
I never saw him again. And now, after hearing so many of your stories about the sociopaths who won’t go away, I realize how lucky I was. I didn’t have a child with him. I didn’t have to attempt to co-parent with a sociopath, while the sociopath tried to turn the children against me.
My heart breaks for all of you in this unwinnable situation, stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Not long ago, I heard from a woman who is in this position. We’ll call her “Marsha.” Marsha was married for 16 years to a guy who she now knows is a sociopath. They’ve been divorced for two years. They have five kids—two teenagers, three younger. Her ex has regular visitation times when he’s supposed to pick up the kids, although he hasn’t shown up for his Saturday afternoon time in months.
Marsha sometimes sees her ex at events for the kids, which is uncomfortable for her. She writes:
The last one was particularly upsetting for me, as he came over to my mom and gave her a hug, asked her how she was, and appeared to be very moved to see her. I know it is all bs, but the cognitive dissonance it creates…
How should I “be” around my ex? Do I speak in a friendly tone, similar to the way he is speaking to me, do I keep everything monotone, do I try to avoid speaking to him altogether, or is there some other option?
I don’t know how to advise Marsha. So, Lovefraud readers, especially those of you who are coping with similar situations, what do you suggest?
Hi Guys & Gals
Haven’t been here for awhile. I saw the ex in court over a week ago now, to get the Protection Order permanent, and boy, what a shock. I hadn’t seen him for awhile, and I was convinced he’d come in calm and suave and cool. But he was just bouncing off the wall, very inappropriate and (as the court’s advocate said) “unstable.” And he lied right there, in front of the judge. It was the first time ever that I knew for certain he was lying.
So, it’s been NC, and I’m like Donna – never had kids with him, never even married him or lived with him. So there’s a chance that, if he doesn’t lose it completely and coming after me (and I have a niggling fear that he could do that, especially since he threatened to, more than once. But that may have just been a fear game, to maintain control) I may never see him again.
Have strangely mixed feelings about never seeing him again.
Like you Robxsykobabe, our first year and a half or so (especially the year after the first 1/2 year) was very, very nice. I was crazy in love, and I believed he was, too. Then it started to get freaky. Won’t go into details; they just got too weird. (I talk about them elsewhere here, too.)
I didn’t see him for over a month before our little meetiing in court. My lawyer and the court’s advocate were dynamite. They knew I couldn’t SEE him, couldn’t look him in the eyes (oh, yeah, those eyes!) They knew I was way too raw still and couldn’t be alone with him. They just protected me like crazy. They knew I couldn’t show weakness or emotion, because that was what he was looking for. I think the blank slate that I ended up being may have been what made him nutty. He discovered he had no control, and the judge (another woman) really re-enforced that when she told him that if he demanded a hearing, it might result in her requesting that he go to Mental Health Counseling. He backed down then. So yes, I got a two year complete stay away order.
I meet women in my support group who married the guy, who had kids with him. As one of my group-mates says: “Don’t say anything bad about him. Just let your kids see their father. (or mother, or whatever the case may be) Let them know that they can always come back to you, too, and find love and non-judgemental support. They’ll figure out soon enough how awful he is, if they don’t know already. Then they’ll figure out their own ways of dealing with it.” It’s a bitter methodology, but it maintains some dignity, I think. For everyone. But it also takes superhuman strength.
My prayers go out to everyone who has to be superhuman, every day.
LouiseG:
Congratulations on attaining the 2 year order.
NOW….Please be vigilant the next few months……
THis is a dangerous time, and you need to pay attention.
Live your life, but be vigilant while you go ‘back’ to normal.
It may be a new ‘normal’ now……which isn’t always a bad thing…..we learn how to protect ourselves and be aware of our surroundings……
If anything ever looks ‘out of place’ or feels odd….trust your gut and don’t deny it….call the police.
I believe most of these perps….(key word MOST) will get the picture….that your going to follow through and report….and find another ‘victim’ that will tolerate the abuse/threats and move on…
I’m pleased you followed through….this was the second step in showing the world ……you mean business!
Good job louise…..NOW…..stay safe darlen.
Thanks so much, ErinBrock–yes, you are SO right about learning to protect ourselves. I’ve been working so hard at observing the world around me. Like he did – he was such a predator – I know now why he always wore dark sunglasses, and why he always scoped the room the way he did, whenever he entered a new place. He KNOWS how to observe every little detail. It’s not second nature to him; it’s first nature. And he can see folks who don’t look at all the details. Those people become his victims.
I intend to take no victims. Just keep myself safe. You, too, Erin — thanks for the kind words!
OMG….the dark sunglasses….YIKES!
I remember after 911, traveling to Hawaii with the S and our kids….he kept his sunglasses on the whole time….in airport/and airplane, through security…..being asked to remove them and him pitching a fit…..
But I remember feeling stress of the reality of him being pulled aside by security because he looked suspicious….
I’d ask him to take them off…(mistake)…..and he’d say….why is it against the law to wear sunglasses now???
I thought it was so weird.
It was different than keeping mine on at times to people watch outfits and the way people interacted…..
He also kept the dark sunglasses on in grocery stores, shops, and restaurants and even at night time…..WEIRD!
He was ‘hiding’ something….this was a big red flag….looking back!
The “dark sunglasses” look was originated in 1984 by the delicious Canadian singer, Corey Hart, who sang the one-hit wonder, “Sunglasses at Night”.
Judging from these lyrics (don’t you love 80’s lyrics?), I think my Corey Hart was involved with a psychopathic female at some point.
http://www.metrolyrics.com/sunglasses-at-night-lyrics-corey-hart.html
I wear my sunglasses at night, so i can, so i can watch you weave your stories (?) or something like that. I took to humming that to myself when the sunglasses came out. When I went to court, I wanted to wear dark sunglasses, just to show him that he taught me well. But I didn”t.
I lived abroad for awhile, and one of our the trips I took with my S was to my “other” country. He got nailed every time he went through security! I should have paid closer attention to why they kept stopping him.
Yeah, BIG red flag. I know that now. The sunglasses that hide the eyes, and that hide the fact that he’s checking out every chick that walks through his line of vision.
Eyes…no sh!t…funny thing is…when I met my ex S he wore glasses. I liked his glasses…thought he looked better with them on. Of course, when they were off he looked odd, which I chalked up to not being able to see, naturally. THEN he got Lasix and he instantly didn’t look right to me. By THEN, I was already hooked and, while I back paddled, he already knew just how to play me. Six months later I was pregnant and INSTANTLY all hell broke loose.
Rosa:
I watched the Oprah show today….with the ‘Barzee’ kids….
What stood out for me was how obvious it was the rif between the one daughter/ the favorite and the rest…..
How one kid was pitted against the others and everyone….she was treated well…..so as not to substantiate the others claims of abuse. Like ONE ally.
She stood with her mother, not believing it, and changed her mind when her mother confessed just recently.
She didn’t live the same as the others in childhood and couldn’t believe the stories the kids told about the abuse……
You could see her wresteling with it…..wanting so badly to still believe her mother.
It is the same way S’s work in society…..keep at least one ally….to counter balance any bad stories….
and split people off and make them self doubt.
Even after they are exposed with PROOF….DNA, FACTS whatever…..these people still want to believe it…..
Now picture the ones on the fence still…….because we are raised to believe all people are ‘good’….they will naturally sway in the direction of the ally…..
Because if this person was really really bad……then the ‘ally’ would speak horrid about them too.
All to confuse and keep anyone off balance….
SICK FUCKS!!!!
Generally, to beleieve someone is a Cluster B…..you really need to be intimate and destroyed by them to believe it….
But once we are in that position…..we are ALONE, unless there are other ‘victims’ that have lived it too.
Interesting watching the dynamics of the siblings.
Yes, Erin. I agree with everything you posted above.
It was very interesting to watch the dynamics of the siblings.
It reinforces what we read and talk about here.
I believe the one daughter (with the black hair) even said she does not really talk about the abuse she endured because, like she told Oprah, “Who would believe me?”
I think we can all relate to that statement.
Well…..knowing who her mother is now……I’d be talking away ……and nothing could shut me up!!!!!
Thanks for pointing the topic out today…..It was very interesting to watch…..from a survivors point of view.