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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: It starts at home

Editor’s Note: The Lovefraud reader One_Step_at_a_Time sent the following post.

Finally, after a long break, I have returned to reading The Betrayal Bond. I feel immediately open when I read the concepts presented in it, and I feel protected, like someone actually has my best interest at heart.

The spath did not. And yet she did things looked like she cared for me, or perhaps she was just protecting her supply. I don’t know yet, but as I remember and unravel my experience with her, I will start to write those things down, and ask here, “please decode this for me, ”˜cause I just don’t know, it is too close and I cannot see the whole of its shape.”

Tonight, after an intense week that was a sprint for my tired spirit and body, I have a break. So, into the tub I went for a nice long soak and a read. Five pages further along in The Betrayal Bond, and I am triggered. But not in a bad way. More like, hmm? And then, aha!

My dad. I could see the arc of our relationship; it was so gradual, and so alienating I hadn’t seen it. A few weeks before Christmas this year I went NC with my dad. I felt it was the right thing to do — probably more clear to me emotionally at this time, than being NC with the spath is.

My dad — THAT guy. That guy who I loved and cherished as a kid — who, by default, was the more easygoing adult in the house; THAT guy who I emulated, who I was proud of as a kid; THAT guy who, as he ages, becomes increasingly more bizarre, cold, and narcissitic. THAT guy — whose “love,” I recognized tonight,  in the arc of devalue and discard.

My old man is an N. My mom told me a story a couple of times of the second year of their marriage, in which my dad goes out and and spends the money they (“she”) needs for formula for my older sib, on gas for a boat so that he can go water skiing. Now, my old man is in his seventh decade, and is first generation — comes from a very patriarchal eastern European family — was a young hot shot, worked hard, played hard. His being selfish at a young age, well, it can be understood in the context of his life. His actions: reprehensible. Possible to contextualize: yes. How my mother must have felt. Her husband spent the money they needed to feed their child. It was the 50’s; you didn’t leave even if they were beating you.

I moved far away from home at 18; thousands of miles away. I was more intelligent than I knew. It was 15 years before I understood that I went to get away from them.

My mom has been my dad’s supply my whole life. And now she’s ill and he has lost his supply, and as a friend says, his head is so far up his ass, we haven’t seen his neck in a decade.

And she still tries. And she has ALWAYS tried to broker deals and cajole and shame me into taking care of him — be another source.  My WHOLE life — even now, demented as hell, she does this. It has made it so much easier for her to dismiss his behaviour, because she cannot remember how he hurts her, day in, day out.

When I first came back to this area, I stayed with them, and I stayed much longer than I should have. I couldn’t leave her. It was amazing; I actually had to RUN AWAY FROM HOME in my 40’s.

I have been struggling mightily. The last four years have been a spiral of worsening conditions for me. For the first time in my life, I need the help of my family. Any given month right since the hardcore spath experience I have been one bad decision or circumstance away from the street.

And my dad will not help.

Now, I cannot talk to my mom — cannot see her, cannot not tell her what he has done and continues to do, cannot ask for help and cannot challenge her mixed up salad thinking that has her acting like they have no money and she has no conscience about helping her daughter.  I cannot challenge her — this poor demented woman. Nor could I challenge the poor demented spath. The poor, helpless, abused spath.

Several years ago, my father as trustee of my inheritance from my grandfather, screwed me. It is a long and complex story. It took eight years of lies and unfulfilled promises to *get* that he has stolen this money from me, and truly, has NO intention of paying it back.

I am really lucky; I have friends who have called his behaviour, have looked at me in horror when I describe the things that he has done, and continues to do. A look of horror goes a long way with me; it speaks directly to my damaged sense of self service, saying, “look, someone else knows this is wrong, knows you have done nothing to deserve this treatment, KNOWS his actions are disordered.” Funny, I KNOW his actions are wrong, but I have tried again and again AND AGAIN — to MAKE IT RIGHT.

I have been profoundly shamed by my father’s treatment of me. In the last four years he has constantly devalued me. And now, I am discarded, because I NEED HIM to be giving, and loving and supportive.

The N arc has taken decades to show itself. But there it is. As I am writing about it I keep seeing a rainbow, “arco  iris” in Spanish.  If being spathed finally got me to see my father for what he is, then so be it.

I have a long way to go in this healing around him and the supply mentality of my mom and my upbringing. I am up for a little enlightened self interest at this point in my life. I pray that I can learn to be smart in this way. The possibility seems kinda exciting (and ya know, I like me some excitement 😉 but I am not sure if I will be able to do it.

My dad bought a new boat last year.



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157 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: It starts at home"

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WOW – One Step – your experience mirrors mine in some ways – I moved 3,000 miles away and then met my parents in my partners…I used to say “I married my Mom” a very cold and distancing person and then after suffering through a marriage where I became suicidal from the psychological abuse I somehow got free… AND of course, then began “dating my dad” – an N/S –

Finally here in my mid-40’s and free of the men who brought me to my knees literally and figuratively I am seeing as you say the arc…

Now when I am engaged in conversation or have any sort of interaction with them I am able to see what they do and for the first time in my life I realize IT IS NOT ME.

It has only been less than a year that I have finally gotten it – IT IS NOT ME. I am fine, I deserve better treatment, I do not need to jump through flaming hoops – being raised ever higher to prove I am worthy of love and kindness.

I only wish I had known this at 12, at 16, at 22, at 29, at 32, at 39, … And I pray to God I can somehow instill in my daughters a sense of self strong enough to not tolerate the nonsense, to recognize evil and to NOT ENGAGE with it. Run, don’t walk away from evil. You cannot vanquish it alone.

Breckgirl wrote …

” instill a sense of self strong enough to not tolerate the nonsense, to recognize evil and to NOT ENGAGE with it. Run, don’t walk away from evil. You cannot vanquish it alone”

Thats “having the tools to deal with ” a lovefraud” relationship in ones life.

Thank you for this article one-step. As we go on healing from the latest P attack, we start to see the earlier ones for what they were. Learning about THIS latest one shines a light on all the earlier ones and we start to see the previous attackers for what they were, and start to unravell the tangled skien of our lives to sort it out and rewind it again into a beautiful ball of ordered threads. I wish you peace and happiness in your life.

One -step –

You DEFINITELY WILL BE ABLE TO DO IT…you already are!

I had an Aha moment in your article. When I read these words you wrote

“and I feel protected, like someone actually has my best interest at heart”

ALL OF MY CHILDHOOD AND ADULT LIFE I THINK I WAS SEARCHING FOR THAT “FEELING” THAT “CONFIRMATION” THAT “VALIDATION”.

It wasnt until this very moment that I processed that and thought… oh my goodness …my learning thus far has taught me something so valuable.. I can protect myself first and foremost..and if I actually have my best interest at heart in a realistic and open and reasonable way – than everything else will fall into place – in terms of allowing negative vs positive into my life. But I must work hard at knowing myself and knowing what i want and deserve in a healthy way so the ones I choose to let into my life will be equally protective of themselves/and me thereby having the the best interest of those around us, including ourselves.

Parents sometimes dont always have the best interest of themselves, let alone their children or others. Im glad that you have decided no more of the dysfunctional situations that youve unfortunately experienced with your parents and/or partners — and are at the place of wanting to experience some enlightened self-interest – so you CAN continue to heal and grow stronger each and every day. Thank you for sharing your story, it helped me enlightened me and reminded me to keep growing and learning more and more!

Bravo! one step…hugs to you for sharing ..

Onestep,

First let me say what a generous, loving, and courageous soul you are! Generous for all the sharing and humor. Loving for the way you show up for so many of us here on LF. And courageous for looking this dead-on, and then writing it out for all of us!

I am also in the camp, the ‘starts at home’ one. My mother was highly N, my grandfather a pedophile, and my grandmother full blown N. Krazy Family, and this was just my mother’s side. My paternal grandfather was sweet, but an alchoholic. And I, like you, SO didn’t get this, being attracted to one disordered friend/lover after another, repeating the pattern, without knowing why.

They loved me for my high tolerance to pain and ability to sacrifice. I loved them for the potential they had to write a different ending to my unhappy/disordered family dynamics.

What came to me when I was reading your article was of a giant picture of a rainbow puzzle. About 3 feet by 3 feet. A beautiful rainbow, surrounded by a perfect blue sky. And then I thought of how difficult this puzzle would be to put together. No sharp outlines, lots of diffuse colors, minimal details, and then lots of blue sky. But, your’e doing it. We’re doing it. Putting this tedious, yet beautiful, puzzle together. One piece at a time.

It is an honor to see your puzzle coming together…..

Warmly, Slim

.

CAmom:

I can so relate to everything you say, having grown up with 2 alcoholic cluster-B personalities. When my parents die (parents well in their 80s) I will personally burn the house to the ground if given half a chance. That house holds no good memories for me — only memories of beatings and nonstop verbal abuse. The few times a year I go to visit out of obligation I can’t wait to take a shower as soon as I go home.

These two monsters held me responsible for every problem in their lives. And I remember how I took on the responsibility for all their unhappiness – I took it all on until the time I finally decided to kill myself when I was 18. Don’t ask me how I survived a major seconal overdose, but I did.

Finally, at 52, I’ve met a wonderful man who treats me with love and respect. Finally, at 52, I realize I have friends who genuinelly care about me. Finally, at 52, I realize I am not the incompotent moronic failure they made me out to be.

I have accomplished a lot in my life. But, most of it wasn’t what I wanted, my dreams. On some level I will always mourn the person I could have been without these monsters for parents. But, on another level I am grateful that I have at least found some peace at this late date.

A therapist once asked me what I would feel when my parents died. I summed it up in a word “relief”. I may not be able to burn down their house when they die, but I will never set foot in that cemetery and visit their graves the day they are finally in them.

One STep = thankyou for sharing this – this intimate pain. My father was a drinker and gambler who also spent the family food and rent money on his own selfish interests. I believe he was a P as well. He had the same behaviours – could charm outsiders but was abusive as hell in the home where there were no witnesses. He took no interest in me, my mom, the home or the family. He could go for weeks without talking to either of us. And would push me out of the way if I tried to seek some affection from him as a little girl.

I wonder so many times … if we had all had that safe and secure upbringing where we knew we were valuable, loved, talented and worthy – would we have got involved with Ps?

I don’t think so. So at the root of all this is the upbringing that may have given the outward basics, but destroyed our little souls. I would have rather gone without clean clothes and braces if someone could have told me I was wonderful, loved and worthy. I would have given up a few of those hot meals to remove some of the tirades of emotional abuse levelled at me whenever I made some small mistake or did something my mom didn’t like. I think she is possibly borderline – highly anxious, controlling, angry a lot of the time, abusive in her language if she feels like it and has an abandonment complex. Unlike most of you – I never got away. I am all she has. And I hate to think how she would cope if I left.

It’s not fair – I want all those lost years back. I want to go back and have a different parent – one who realised how sensitive I was and all the needs I had. I didn’t stand a chance in adult life, coming from that abuse. No matter how many self help books I read and how much counselling I had … it doesn’t take away the scars and the memories of it all. It’s a miracle I have survived as well as I have and haven’t ended up committed to an institution somewhere. Only the prospect of losing control over my life stops me from hitting the wall and just giving up.

One step I am sorry they won’t help you when you really need it. Mine won’t either – selfish till the end. It is lonely when you only have yourself to depend on and it’s exhausting living on the edge of life – just a few decisions away from the streets as you so eloquently put it. You are a good person and you didn’t deserve any of what happened to you. It’s so awful we are born into families that really don’t suit us or recognise the beauty in us when others outside clearly can.

((hugs)) one step – let’s hope his boat sinks or he gets lost at sea and experiences the feeling of needing help himself.

Thank you ALL for sharing your heart-breaking childhood to adulthood stories. I read them with horror.

And big ((((HUGS)))) to all of you…you are brave wonderful people with an innate strength and goodness in you.

These stories are so interesting (and horrible) to me, and so far from my own.

I was raised by wonderful parents, who not only had us, their own four children, but later were foster parents to two abused teenage boys. We all knew the boys from high school, and their abusive parents were only too glad to get rid of their children. My parents took them into their home and hearts without funds from the state. They just took them in. And we have all loved each other as sisters and brothers, moms and dads, etc, ever since.

We did not have a lot of money, but always managed to go to the beach for picnics, or up to Lake Tahoe in the summer, or drive somewhere and go on nature walks, or go camping…we had lots of pets all the time…dogs, and puppies, cats and kittens, parakeets, ponies, chickens, snakes, lizards and mice.

The one serious fight I remember (when quite young) was my parents arguing over the age of the Andrews sisters…Huh??? They were yelling at each other it seemed for hours…my dad thought they were old as the hills, and my mom said they were much younger..(no computer then to nip that in the bud) 🙂

My sister and I were shaking and crying in bed listening to this…and suddenly a loud “slap” and then silence….our hearts almost stopped…and then..laughter! and it would not stop! My mom had slapped my dad on the back of the head…and then it was over, except for the gales of laughter coming from the living room….such a healthy family…yeah maybe a little nutty but in such a good way!

So with my upbringing, and my childhood happiness and close family, I somehow ended up with a Malignant Narcissist of a husband for 26 years. I think I was too trusting and naive, then tried to hide it from my friends and family, and when it got sooooo bad it was unbearable, I finally faced my life.

In the autumn of 2006 I had a dream. In this dream I lived the rest of my life….it flashed before my eyes. I woke up in a total panic, with my head pounding and my heart racing and my Self screaming at me——- I CAN’T LIVE THIS LIFE!!!

I truly believe this dream saved me. This dream forced me to take the first steps to get the hell out….and it is still on going, as my role has changed. I was the co-dependent feeding NS, now I am the Target. Sometimes I wonder if it will only end with the demise of one of us.

The marriage vow I spoke 29 years ago ” I take you, for better or for worse, til death do us part” never seemed so true as it does now!

HeartMoon:

I LOVE LAKE TAHOE…….spend a lot of time there…..

Your family sounds wonderful…..and i bet they are a big source of support for you now!

I only wish…….
Besides from being molested by my oldest brother……I thought I came from a family like yours……

Now….go back up and read that line again……how denial is THAT…..
Oh, yeah….besides from being molested…….

When I took those damb rose glasses off…..I saw my whole family…..and my whole life……and my fantasy unfolded…..
and the realizations began…..holy shit!

It’s amazing to hear what the ‘last straw’ was for each of us……it is always fascinating to me.
A dream….a friend…..a child…..an action…..a vision…..a reality…..

There does come a time when we just can’t live it anymore….for me it was my children….obviously I didn’t love myself enough to get out sooner…..jsut held onto false hope and the ‘suck ins’…..until it was IN MY FACE about the kids and it was then brought to my attention about Cluster B’s.

Keep strong….and keep dreaming girl!!!

I LOVE Lake Tahoe!!!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Breckgirl:
You said: ’You cannot vanquish it alone’. The language is heroic and magical, which speaks perfectly of the nature of the fight against the evil of disordered and abusive people; and that we need to get and keep ourselves safe ”“ not try to change a disordered individual by giving them our lives as food. And it also speaks to me of light (’vanquishing the darkness’, is the phrase I most associate with the word ’vanquish’). The light of support, the light of knowledge, the light of right and the light of educating and inoculating others, our girls. 🙂

best,
one step

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Learnthelesson: YAY to AHA MOMENTS!!!

So much of my experience with the spath was about recognizing how unsafe I am in the realm of relationships – from lovers to landlords.

And I realized pretty quickly after she had left that the time and energy I gave her, was part of my not taking care of my very real needs in the outer world that contribute to my safety ”“ housing, health, etc.

There is a loving and grounded quality in what you have said here about having your own best interest at heart, and about the work it takes to be able to consistently do this. It is very beautiful. I am going to print it and put it on my wall; it feels like a benediction to me.

and thank you for your encouragement. 🙂

best,
one step

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Thanks Spirit! How are you?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Oxy: I have a back ground in dying and weaving and appreciate your beautiful imagery.

CAmom:

What a tragic story. I hope you are healing.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Slim,
I love that this blog entry is getting responses that use visual imagery. It makes my heart sing. Love love love your analogy! And yes, the work is tedious as hell! For me it feels slightly possible because of love fraud and the people here.

I have been trying to put the pieces together for so long ”“ but this last experience, man, the spath really made me see my desires, and love fraud is helping me to see the qualities that I have that put me at risk and the qualities of these bad people.

My worries are in the boilerhouse of the world ”“ will I be able to use what I learn and take care of myself and my life? And it is here that I need to set some ground rules with my negativity: 1) I will learn, 2) I will fail at times, maybe a lot especially in the beginning, and as I hit deeper, bigger challenges, 3) it will take the time it takes to get steady with tools and skills, and a solid internal base, 4) ask ask ask for help, 5) LAUGH and learn who I really am and who I want to be.

You said: They loved me for my high tolerance to pain and ability to sacrifice. OH, I SO HEAR YOU! My whole experience with the spath was about this. Argghhh. This is also my parents ”“ whether they know it or not.
I know we all say this ”“ but are you sure we didn’t have the same family?? The sins of the grandparents. I think that it would be a good idea to add ’what are/ were the granpdarents about’ to the list of ’things to look at when looking for a love relationship.’ All of my lovers (save one?) and many of my friends over my life time were abused as children.

I am so sparked by your post, I literally could go on for hours. But I will leave it here for now.

Your estimation of me and your kindness towards me has made my heart happy.

Best,
One step

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Matt: I dream of a fantasy spath slayer team – roving the country, righting wrongs. Doing service for our numbers, helping one another with the things we find most difficult. One member doing recon of another member’s N’s fb page, another hacking a member’s s-ex’s computer to gain access to defamatory email, another, burning a member’s father’s boat……:)

I will send matches when your parents die.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

CAMom:

Querida,
Su padre es malvado. Su historia rompe mi corazón y rompe mi corazón abierto. I raise my sword to that beautiful little warrior girl and that beautiful child she was trying to protect. Levanto mi espada a esa pequeña muchacha hermosa del guerrero y a esa muchacha hermosa que ella intentaba proteger. And may she lay down her weapons of self destruction forever and rest. She was so creative – knowing no power in the world, she figured out a way to escape the grief and tragedy of her life.

I know this movement toward self destruction as a way to deal with others trying to destroy me. It is my legacy from my past. And thanks to the evil of the spath, I have held this urge in my mouth until I could not breath. I realized that unless I chewed it as energy and let it transform in my stomach, let it give me energy to rise again, that I would be on the street.

And I am eternally thankful for the insistence of the life force within us, that refuses to let us kill it, and for the others who see us go down the road of death, and circumvent our best efforts.

I feel there is something precious for me in this information:
“that I went into a “dissasociated state” and even hypnotherapy could not uncover them. That time ceased to exist, that boundries of time dissolved, along with what was left of my ego, my sense of self.”

Your post is a gift. Gracias.

(((((((Abrazos Fuertes))))))))
One step

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Midlife:

oh, my dad can do that no talking thing too! I was at there house a few years ago, when they came back from the south in the spring. I had gotten everything ready for their return ”“ and the fucker didn’t even say hello to me for two days! Eiii. He has gotten progressively worse. He was different to me as a child ”“ but damaging none the less.

I know how much it has hurt me to be in the devalue stage as an adult (and it has been coming on for as long I started doing what I wanted and not what he wanted me to do). He set me up for this at an early age. It hurts like fuck, but I know how much more devastating it would have been if he had gone into this hardcore when I was a child. I now you are fighting hard for yourself right now ”“ that is evidence that you have learned much about valuing yourself!

My mom too was very angry and controlling during my growing up years ”“ and now is demented. I thought I couldn’t walk away from her because of her illness now ”“ and if dad was to mysteriously be found dead in his boat I would go back to take care of her in an instant. It was so hard to leave her there alone with him. She has a live in caregiver now ”“ someone she feels safe and secure with. This has made it possible for me to move away from her. I do think about what I will do if he dies first (beyond the dancing part), and am making a plan. I would never take on her care by myself, if I had any other possibility.

I still don’t know how to ’live loud’ (which I know is a form of allegiance to her), but I have stopped actively sacrificing myself to her on a daily basis, although i am sure i am doing it passively. And his bad behavior has made it impossible for me to be around her, and I am living with that – caring more for myself than them.

Your point about being sensitive echoes for me, also. My mom did see that I was an artist, and did see my curiosity, and in some ways encouraged and supported it ”“ but these things are an expression of my self, and as she was really good at creating an atmosphere wherein I didn’t feel safe or valued unless I performed and had no needs, it really wasn’t all that supportive. What it has meant in my life, is that I start to express myself, and then hit a ceiling inside myself when I run into apparent devaluation from the outside world. Well, I think I am so fucked over by the spath and my economic and social situation that I am starting to break that glass.

You are becoming the best protector and lover you will ever have. You can do this, I know you can.

Best,
One step

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Heartmoon – Thank you! thank you for modeling a slightly whacky, but sane marriage.

And for telling us about your dream. our inner worlds are SO SMART!

best,
one step

one/joy_step_at_a_time

okay – think that’s a reply to all of the posts. wow. this is intense and amazing. and a bit overwhelming.

I think sharing and modeling are two of the ‘saving graces’ in this world. thank-you all for being here and sharing histories, skills, experience, HUMOR and wisdom.

Y’all f*cking rock!

EB,

I have loved Tahoe since I was a child and we lived there, on the north shore. My dad worked at Harrah’s at SLT.

My special place is in Truckee, a hop skip and short jump from the Lake….I got the cabin, the N got the residence. He fought to get both, BTW. He and his gf/atty actually broke into the cabin when it was leased out for 3 months for ski season last year, and before that they went to the cabin unannounced to get his “clothes” and they ended up taking furniture and items that were awarded to me. I have changed the locks on the place 4 times now.

My Heart is at the cabin. I changed the sign above the garage from our last name, to my first name as soon as I could!

On full Moons in late summer the coyotes and my dogs and neighboring dogs sing to all who will listen. It makes my spine prickle to here their primal songs….

The Stars, OMG the Stars on a clear night are like a thick blanket, with the Milky way streaking across it. There are SO MANY Stars visable to the naked eye, you cannot see many of the constellations due to the proliferation of Stars.

The seasons are intense, one feels a raw aliveness there! The temp swing on a normal day is at least 40 degrees if not more. There is so much to do outdoors every season, and there is nothing better than reading a great book by the wood stove when you are snowed in!

Hey I took my screen name here on LF because I noticed it on the label of the shirt I put on just before registering here.

It has another meaning for me now! 😉

one step,
The dream was the beginning. I was panicked by my situation but was frozen in fear. I had to become physically intensively sick before I took the steps to see a therapist, without the Ex knowing.
He was furious when he found out.

I still thought it was all me, all my fault, all my crazy before the sessions with my therapist.

She saved my life. She opened my eyes. She made me search for the term Narcissism. She named the monster that was sharing my bed and sucking my lifeblood.

HeartMoon:
I too got the ‘cabin’………
🙂

EB:

Yippee Ki Yi ….. Yayyyy!!! 😀

one/joy_step_at_a_time

heartmoon: well, the other part of our inner intelligence protecting us, is our listening to it and acting on it. 😉

is your cabin big enough to hold the first annual lf summer party?

I know the area WELL!
🙂

One….YEP!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

AWESOME!!!

I so want a party!

Now we have to create a timeline – the big challenge will be creating a pot of money that will get us all there. let’s say 5 years. LOL.

life just sucks sometimes.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Back at working on my ‘Betrayal Bond’ exercises. (For those you who don’t know about this book, it is available in the Lovefraud store)

Doing the list of BETRAYAL BY SEDUCTION. Have done all i can for tonight I think; it’s heavy.

What i see right off: seduction by ‘intimacy’ and ‘spirit’ occur in all those listed. Power in most, but not all;
that belief in all four areas – the story, dream, mission and person ONLY exists with two of the people in my list: the N dad, and the beauty boy character the spath spun.

Oh yah, that’s enough for one night. but i am proud of myself, i promised to work on this, this weekend and I did.

I’m in CA, I could drive up there tonight! Expect me around 3am!

I’ll drive with NASA diapers on.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

shabby – please to ‘splain: I’ll drive with NASA diapers on.

NASA diapers…..Girl…ya better be cleaned up by the time ya get here!!!

I DON”T do diapers!!!

One: it was that woman astronaut that drove Cross country and wore diapers so as not to have to stop…..was it to kill or beat up or something nasty to her BF’s lover…..but anyways….she testified she wore diapers….

The S tried to kick me out of my ‘home’ town……It was MY choice to come here from so cal…….20 years ago.,….and I dug my heels in…..and I am so damn glad I did!!!

I ran his ass right on out of town/state and hopefully one day country…..fucker!!!

This is a spritual place for me…..and when I moved here, I said…..I ain’t leaving until I find someplace better……..
and i’m still here!!! It is a really wonderful place to raise kids….and close to airports and cities for the ‘get away’ to civilization…..and the weather is magnificant!! I’m a mountain girl at heart……and I LOVE my bears!

Nothing like gazing up at the stars YEAR ROUND on the deck at night…..I sit out most every night…..

So yeah……this is where I be.

It’s my home!!!!!

and for some people diaper’s are a fetish – a sick one but all the same I will just pee out the window if I have to chase someone cross country…..

OMG……hens…..rotflmao…..you ALWAYS know how to brighten my night…….you just crack me up with your humor…..

Try a water bottle next time huh….saves on washing the car at the next stop.
🙂

You know…..I have to say….I wish that damn ad at the top of the page about Bellie fat…with the woman laying in the black bikini….would ‘go away’……
If ya’ll want to know what I look like….its her……BUT nOT in the small stage……..
Is that Julia Roberts like???
Tell me yes ……..

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Hens: r u suggesting that are equipped to drive and pee out of the car window at the same time?

I don’t see her on the top of my page, so I can’t give my opinion. Just let me think of you as Julia Roberts.

one step hell yes and roll a cig with the other hand…

one/joy_step_at_a_time

HENS: ROTFLMAO!!

OKAY, OKAY HOW ARE YOU HOLDING THE CELL PHONE???! SNORT!

hey if I am making this chase up I will be driving a lexus with blue tooth

one/joy_step_at_a_time

I was thinkng the cell phone was probably attached to the spath and he was left on the curb a LONG while back.

oh no One Step I fried his cell phone in the micro wave remember?

but i am sure he has one now, and a blackberry and a twitter and gps…ya know he was a busy man keeping up with all those ‘strangers’

one/joy_step_at_a_time

multi-taskers… every fucking one of them!

I LOVE that, I forgot. I think it is hilarious – 4 seconds, right?

yep 4 seconds – LMAO – that is one thing I will never feel bad about…..

Okay….i’m back….
Got the kids friends here tonight….gotta keep em in line!
Another Friday night movie night at EB’s….oh yeah…it’s Saturday….howd they pull that off?

Erin – you crack me up – you sure they are your kids?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

it’s so quiet here at this time of the night. i come in the morning and find you and EB have been up partying.

I feel a need t plug in a lot here. it keeps my focus on the healing part of this and not on the destruction done.

I am having hardcore homicidal fantasies; have finally hit the rage. I keep hacking the spath up into servings of baby back ribs, but it’s a cartoon.

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