In February 1999, my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, was finished with me. I had no more money, no more credit and no more earning capacity, because my business was ruined. So Montgomery arranged for me to find out that he’d had a child with another woman during our marriage. With this, I left, as I’m sure he expected.
Oh, he made a few attempts to reel me back in. “It’s not what you think,” he said. “Let me explain.” I didn’t. I kept driving.
I never saw him again. And now, after hearing so many of your stories about the sociopaths who won’t go away, I realize how lucky I was. I didn’t have a child with him. I didn’t have to attempt to co-parent with a sociopath, while the sociopath tried to turn the children against me.
My heart breaks for all of you in this unwinnable situation, stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Not long ago, I heard from a woman who is in this position. We’ll call her “Marsha.” Marsha was married for 16 years to a guy who she now knows is a sociopath. They’ve been divorced for two years. They have five kids—two teenagers, three younger. Her ex has regular visitation times when he’s supposed to pick up the kids, although he hasn’t shown up for his Saturday afternoon time in months.
Marsha sometimes sees her ex at events for the kids, which is uncomfortable for her. She writes:
The last one was particularly upsetting for me, as he came over to my mom and gave her a hug, asked her how she was, and appeared to be very moved to see her. I know it is all bs, but the cognitive dissonance it creates…
How should I “be” around my ex? Do I speak in a friendly tone, similar to the way he is speaking to me, do I keep everything monotone, do I try to avoid speaking to him altogether, or is there some other option?
I don’t know how to advise Marsha. So, Lovefraud readers, especially those of you who are coping with similar situations, what do you suggest?
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Disappearing thread??? anyone have any idea why the ‘it starts at home disappeared? It’s creeping me out in a big way.
ErinBrock
The one ‘ally’ child….you could see how conflicted she was….
that was just so tormenting to me……
I believe if someone pointed out CLuster B personality disorders to her and she educated herself…she would see behaviors in her mother and realize…..HOLY SHIT!!!
When they talked about the mother ‘getting help’ now…and on meds…..she showed so much conflict of hope…..(reality vs hope) it was really sad and I could relate to that feeling she showed….the hope…..of so wanting it all to be untrue, and if she could just change it, life would be so different. The hope she held in her eyes.
hens
well watching oprah just now – has brought up many unpleasant memories and thoughts of my mother..ya know i have put her in a place that does not torment me – I will be so happy when I can do that with the s-ex
one/joy_step_at_a_time
jake – you are not at square one. ’cause you SEE the effect of what you did. you are at least at square 2 or 3 🙂
i think there are reasons (unhealed bits) we ‘look’ and it is an opportunity to take a close look at why you checkd out fb and some of the factors in your life that may have made that look like an attractive option.
don’t be beating yourself up -use the opportunity.
Rosa
I could not believe how uninformed they all seemed to be about Cluster B disorders!!
They were living it, and yet, they were still uneducated about it. At least it seemed that way.
I wish Oprah would have also had a psychiatrist on the show, like Dr. Leedom, explaining the disorder, the abuse that goes with it, and the dynamics of it all as these people told their story.
That’s what people need to see in order to understand this kind of abuse.
I was creeped out by the letters Wanda Barzee sent to her kids from the mental hospital. Like you said Erin, the “golden child” wanted to believe the letter was sincere, but the others were rolling their eyes.
It reminded me of an article on this website titled, “Realities Only Family Members Know”, written by Dr. Leedom.
ErinBrock
Jake:
Welcome, welcome……
I second Onesteps comment to you.
This is a great opportunity to connect with your reaction….you won’t do it again…
It hurts, things run through our heads, we ‘want’ to know…..
But when we do…..KABANG! WE wish we could take it all away.
Jake, this is lifes way of teaching you a lesson you needed to learn……and it sounds as if you’ve learned it….and will continue learning……
Don’t beat on yourself…..it’s OKAY!
If you don’t get the lesson this time around….it’ll be back around again, and again….until you get it.
So raise your head back up and move forward down your path of healing…..
We all have curiosity…..it’s what we choose to do with it!
Shake it up baby…..shake it up!!!
🙂
ErinBrock
I’m with ya Rosa…..it was a perfect opportunity for education and changing lives though knowledge!
Missed the boat again……
hens
I did the same thing Jake – after 2 years no contact I just had to look at fb and sure nuff there it was – and using a picture I took of it. there is an option on FB it’s called block this person – I did that also – not that this person would ever be interested in looking for me on FB. I am curious also but it didnt kill this cat – just gave me chills…and a big sigh of relief..
one/joy_step_at_a_time
i went to oprah.com to find the episode, but it seems like it isn’t online yet. hmmm, i will go check out youtube.
sigh, we have to start this party earlier – its’ almost 2 am here.
ErinBrock
Jake:
There always seems to be more ‘work’ to do!
Keep on trucken dude!