In February 1999, my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, was finished with me. I had no more money, no more credit and no more earning capacity, because my business was ruined. So Montgomery arranged for me to find out that he’d had a child with another woman during our marriage. With this, I left, as I’m sure he expected.
Oh, he made a few attempts to reel me back in. “It’s not what you think,” he said. “Let me explain.” I didn’t. I kept driving.
I never saw him again. And now, after hearing so many of your stories about the sociopaths who won’t go away, I realize how lucky I was. I didn’t have a child with him. I didn’t have to attempt to co-parent with a sociopath, while the sociopath tried to turn the children against me.
My heart breaks for all of you in this unwinnable situation, stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Not long ago, I heard from a woman who is in this position. We’ll call her “Marsha.” Marsha was married for 16 years to a guy who she now knows is a sociopath. They’ve been divorced for two years. They have five kids—two teenagers, three younger. Her ex has regular visitation times when he’s supposed to pick up the kids, although he hasn’t shown up for his Saturday afternoon time in months.
Marsha sometimes sees her ex at events for the kids, which is uncomfortable for her. She writes:
The last one was particularly upsetting for me, as he came over to my mom and gave her a hug, asked her how she was, and appeared to be very moved to see her. I know it is all bs, but the cognitive dissonance it creates…
How should I “be” around my ex? Do I speak in a friendly tone, similar to the way he is speaking to me, do I keep everything monotone, do I try to avoid speaking to him altogether, or is there some other option?
I don’t know how to advise Marsha. So, Lovefraud readers, especially those of you who are coping with similar situations, what do you suggest?
I think this is a very important question (how to “be” …).
My approach is to be pleasantly unavailable. For a while, I would bristle when she came around in public places and tried various provocations; any such reaction on my part is fuel for her manipulation.
No more. She is unwanted smoke in the room. I am a warm breeze.
Any thing, the slightest of comments or actions is an invitation for these monsters to twist it around and use it against their victims.
I was recently in court with the monster in my life fighting over child support and college contributions towards my son. I have not seen or spoken to this monster in about 5 years. He seized the moment in the courtroom to approach me and started asking questions in front of the judge who is a total witch (with a capital B). She made me answer his questions, something I did reluctantly and with clenched teeth. Well, wouldn’t you know it? The next paper that comes out of his equally Psychopath lawyer is criticizing me for the college I have chosen for my son, how he’s wasting his talents and even making fun of the name of the school. Yep! I kid you not. Y’all should know that this is the same man that kicked my son out on the streets with the shirt on his back and now refuses not only to pay support for him but contribute towards his college education. Oh, btw, the judge doesn’t seem to find anything wrong with this scenario either. So, I’m now dealing with a Psychopath ex-husband, his Psychopath lawyer and a Psychopath judge. How’s that for shit luck?
As I always say, you just can’t make this stuff up!
Louise, Congrats on the 2 year NC order! It took me a lot of work, slogging through the mire, as I call it, of constant calls to the police, being ignored or called a liar before I finally got mine and I’m doing something that EB suggested. I’m sending copies to ALL of the enforcement agencies, city police, sheriff’s department and surrounding suburb police departments, just to be on the safe side. She turned me on to the fact that they do not share this info with each other in a lot of places.
duped, after last night, I see what you mean. I had been expecting a call from someone who always calls as “anonymous”. I rarely take those calls but she had written ahead of time to let me know she was calling. The phone rings, I answer and it’s the spath. He DEMANDS I drop the NC order because it affecting his relationship with his son. CLICK goes the phone. He was still talking, but I didn’t allow it to go any further. That 10 SECONDS that I heard his voice sent me into an absolute tailspin. Yes, what we give up is peace, even during those interactions that we don’t initiate or don’t even know are coming. I had to leave the room my son was in, go upstairs and take time to settle. My peace was gone. I CANNOT stand that voice. Which is why the order is in place to begin with! I also took action and let the authorities know he had called. My land line lists all calls and what time they came in.
Jofray, Thank you for the tips! While I gave nothing away, I am going to work on that poker face which I liken to the word, INDIFFERENCE. Part of my problem and why he loved to play me is that I DID carry my emotions on my sleeve, as they say. There is much that I can stop saying in front of my son as well, therefore not allowing him to be such a huge tool for the ex spath. Yes, you are right. They look at their own children as tools and take what is said and then you ARE guilty until proven innocent in a court of law. Interesting how they can twist that around, isn’t it?
Quantum, I’ve had days where I thought I was stuck inside my own washer on the spin cycle because I’ve been through that. Yes, they will use anything and if they don’t have it, they’ll invent it. Mine had my family believed I was the one using drugs and they actually bought that for several months. They don’t now, of course, but I truly believed life was spinning out of control and I couldn’t stop it.
I can fully believe you have an ex Spath with P lawyer and a P judge as well. I walked through that too. I was forced to deal with my ex at times and it made my skin crawl. No, we can’t make this stuff up! Fictional writers couldn’t come up with what so many of us have/and still are going through. I DO believe it gets better!
EB-THOSE EYES! My ex had this unsettling, unblinking stare. He could do this for a very long time. No emotions shown, none. This always seemed to happen when I was confronting him about something. I think, today, he was simply showing me the shadow of the soul that was never there to begin with. I’ve read about his kind of “stare” and found it to be quite common with them.
It’s creepy!
Jake B,
Welcome! No, you are not stupid. one-step was right and I echo those sentiments. You already KNOW and that’s a huge step!
Cat:
I used to describe my life with the monster as a never-ending episode of the Twilight Zone. This judge has labeled me as “a liar, unreliable and reckless” – Ha! Ain’t that a kick in the teeth? And no matter what I do or say, I can’t make her see the truth which has lead me to believe that she’s also a P/S of sorts and one in control of lives and with the power to cause some major destruction too. How convenient…and scary!
It’s been 13 years since I walked away from the bastard. When, exactly, will it get better?
Donna, I spoke with you a while ago on the phone and you where helpful in that I now understand a little more how a sociopath “ticks”! I explained that I am the stepmother of 2 teenage children that my husband has with his sociopathic ex. Society assumes that all mothers are born with the desire to “mother” and love their children, as we have all found out the hard way, this is not always true. My ex is 59 yrs old and his children are 18 and 14. The 18 yr old has been estranged from us since he was 17, wanting No contact with his “loser father”. The 14 year old girl, hates having to spend her 2 hrs a week with her dad. All of this is the work of their “mother”, (I hate to give her that term). Nothing is more heartbraking and disturbing but to see a great man and father struggle every waking minute to receive any morsel of love from his children. I am a highly educated 48 yr old woman with a medical degree, and I could have never imagined or been prepared for what my husbands ex does to our lives continually and the lives of their children, and everyone in her path. The children worship her and are 100% brainwashed and dillusional. I know this will not end for us for at least 8 more years when the 14 yr. old is out of college, and the ex has no more financial hold on us. Even then she will continue to control and manipulate the children with guilt…she is the victim as she thrives as society believes she is. God help us all…..especially the children!
Bethv:
I am sure my wife (stepmother to my 8, 12 and 14 y/o’s) is very sympathetic to your plight, as hers (and mine) is almost the same. My ex provides financially for me (only by court order) as I supported her executive career for years and I stayed home for several years (still having hard time finding work in this economy). She moved away for her lover. She took me to court to move the children and lost. From the beginning of the court issues, starting with the day I said I would not move with the children, going through custodial evaluation (he recommended the kids don’t move) and all the way through the hearing process, my ex had cleverly, through subtle manipulation, attempted to alienate me from my kids. She felt if they told a hired “expert witness” (child therapist) that they wanted to live with her, that the court would consider it (it backfired immensely). To this day I suspect the alienation occurs passively with regularity (to feed her week ego ”“ see passage below). This occurs by her telling lies to my kids why she “had to” move, how I agreed to move and backed out, among other things. I don’t believe she regularly says blatantly bad things about me, I suspect her supporters who they spend time with do. But she continues to make herself appears as a victim to my alleged scheme.
I would like to recommend the book “Divorce Poison” authored by Dr. Richard A. Warshak. While not specific to sociopaths, it sheds a bright light upon the subtle and overt parental alienation that our ex’s perform, as well as the unconscious alienation we are guilty of and don’t realize it is occurring. I read the book some ago, but in just opening it this moment I found the following passage which I had previously highlighted, which I believe applies to these mothers who have no motherly instincts.
“Bad-mouthing parents act superior. But many actually feel inferior as parents. The put down the other parent in order to convince themselves, the children, and the world that they are the better parent and more deserving of love.
Such parents fail to appreciate that the bad-mouthing and bashing they use to bolster their image as parents accomplishes the exact opposite. It demonstrates, for all to see, a severe parental deficiency: the willingness to sacrifice their children’s needs in order to feed their week egos.”.
Quantum Solace:
I am curious…..
In my state a parent can not be required to pay for college.
(remember we are not talking moral obligations, we are talking legal). And child support ends at 18 unless still enrolled in HS.
IS your child 18?
It is not clear to me why this is an issue…..that he drags you into court for?
If the father doesnt want to support his son in college, scholarships should be looked into by you/son….or financial aid in your sons name.
I learned to reduce my expectations of the S, as to not expect any financial support…..(and Im shocked he pays his child support monthly, quite frankly) I would love to see him help his kids out for college….but I do NOT think it’s a reality of these S’s…..just another avenue for control. If they ‘give’ anything ‘willingly’ and not ordered…..there are for certain, strings attached.
If you can eliminate this avenue …..and find other alternatives…..then it would eliminate any future court dealings.
Unless I understand something wrong here.
Jake B. –
We all do it for awhile, we want answers, we seek truth, but the truth hurts us. As we gain deeper insight to the P/S (and LF educates us immensely), we learn it is not us, it is them. We are good, they are evil. They fool everyone, yet everyone is not a fool. They are so calculating, charming and convincing, judges, police, attorneys, clergy, therapists, and others, those educated in identifying these P/S’s are even fooled. Don’t take it as personal flaw, I certainly don’t, and your friends here don’t see you that way.