In February 1999, my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, was finished with me. I had no more money, no more credit and no more earning capacity, because my business was ruined. So Montgomery arranged for me to find out that he’d had a child with another woman during our marriage. With this, I left, as I’m sure he expected.
Oh, he made a few attempts to reel me back in. “It’s not what you think,” he said. “Let me explain.” I didn’t. I kept driving.
I never saw him again. And now, after hearing so many of your stories about the sociopaths who won’t go away, I realize how lucky I was. I didn’t have a child with him. I didn’t have to attempt to co-parent with a sociopath, while the sociopath tried to turn the children against me.
My heart breaks for all of you in this unwinnable situation, stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Not long ago, I heard from a woman who is in this position. We’ll call her “Marsha.” Marsha was married for 16 years to a guy who she now knows is a sociopath. They’ve been divorced for two years. They have five kids—two teenagers, three younger. Her ex has regular visitation times when he’s supposed to pick up the kids, although he hasn’t shown up for his Saturday afternoon time in months.
Marsha sometimes sees her ex at events for the kids, which is uncomfortable for her. She writes:
The last one was particularly upsetting for me, as he came over to my mom and gave her a hug, asked her how she was, and appeared to be very moved to see her. I know it is all bs, but the cognitive dissonance it creates…
How should I “be” around my ex? Do I speak in a friendly tone, similar to the way he is speaking to me, do I keep everything monotone, do I try to avoid speaking to him altogether, or is there some other option?
I don’t know how to advise Marsha. So, Lovefraud readers, especially those of you who are coping with similar situations, what do you suggest?
Quantum,
I wish I could give you an exact date and heaven knows I asked God that plenty of times.
In my case, it wasn’t ME that changed the minds of those in the judicial system, it was he, himself. By the time he had added a few more things to his rap sheet, they were on to him and still are. Judges will change their minds on their own. The more you try to make anyone see what they are, the more frustrated you end up being. I learned that lesson a VERY hard way. And consider this; she’s only one person. She’s not that damned special. When he screws up, and he will, she will see HIM as the one who’s reckless. Can you suggest anther judge? That might help YOU feel more comfortable in the court room.
EB: I learned to adjust those expectations as well. Long ago, I went to court, established paternity and asked for NO child support. The mediator was shocked. I knew all the way back then that if something happened, he would never pay and he’s proven me right. I DID ask for medical coverage and got that. He didn’t follow that, so we’re off to court again, though he doesn’t know it.
As far as college goes, in my state it’s not something the courts order the parents to do. I have 3 older children with a wealthy dad and when he and I divorced (15 yrs ago), I had it put in writing that he would pay for 4 years of college for each child and he honored that. The spath will never do that.
Cat:
I know, mine was a rhetorical question. I’ve never heard of asking for another assignment judge and getting it. Once you’re caught in the legal web, your life no longer belongs to you. As for this judge, I seriously doubt she’ll see anything. I’ve presented her with all the proof she needs to make a fair decision and she refuses to look at anything I offer. Of course, vicious as the other side is, they’ve already picked up on that and on the last hearing, they were making me out to be a thief too. And this after it was he who stole everything we had, including the children’s accounts. I learned a long time ago that there’s no one so blind as he who can’t see.
I have since hired a lawyer, it wasn’t easy and most certainly not cheap but the guy seems to have a grasp on the situation. Let’s hope that does’t change now that he’s got my money in his pocket. If nothing else, at least it will get that witch (with a B) of a judge off my ass and I won’t have to listen to her yelling at me anymore. That alone is worth something.
One thing we can’t do is fall into allowing anyone to dictate to us how we react.
We must undertand what courts expect, and direct the ‘flow’ of the courts by our behaviors.
If a judge is acting out of a professional manner, file a complaint.
We can ask for a new judge…..discuss this with your attorney.
I’m unclear how you can have the same judge after 13 years.
we need to remain in control of our situation at all times…..it’s part of the S’s ideal to portray us as the problem.
Once we are perceived as the problem, the outcomes are very frustrating and expensive.
We should concentrate on facts and facts only…..they focus on throwing up smokebombs….with no substance.
A judge is trained to filter facts from smoke.
Why is this judge ‘on your ass’? What are her ‘issues’ with you? Her claims etc…?
I think I may be totally unclear of a lot of things in your situation and I appologize for this.
First, I haven’t had the same judge in 13 years. I’ve had different ones over the years. This is only my third time back since the divorce.
As for asking for a new judge, I never heard of that before. Really, it’s not as if litigants get to call the shots.
The P portraying me as the problem is not the issue here as he’s been doing that for 13 years and I’m well aware of his tactics and how to defuse them. For whatever the reason, this judge hates me, she did so since before I even entered the courtroom. In fact, it was her who labeled me as all those things (a liar, unreliable and reckless) on her own and the Psychos only took her lead and are making it worse now. As for her issues, well, I think she too is P and that’s why she identifies with the other side. And she’s on my ass for everything, anything and nothing at all. You name it. She’s just a bitch, that’s all.
Quantum –
Would finding a mothers rights group w/legal background in your area be helpful? Also — there must be transcripts available which will show bias or unfairness if the judge is without any merit referring to you as a liar, unreliable and reckless….at which point you can appeal her end decision should it not be in your favor. But again you need to have fairly solid proof that she began the hearing with negativity and bias toward you.
EB
It sounds like a lifetime of education.
‘The facts and the facts only’ is courtroom language (as is perpetrator and victim) I appreciate the judge needs to filter facts from smoke. The P is made of smoke and illusion so there is never the sense of having ever nailed them so
You have to talk like this, and it’s invaluable expertise.
They must be held responsible and to pay the price for their crimes that can be proven so that justice is restored to the “victim”, children can be helped to understand what is wrong and what is right, to sort out the confusion and the longing to believe their parents are loving and kind when they clearly are not.
After doing this can we then get back to loving and sharing and belonging and the hundreds of things that make us happy and refuse to let the P’s of this world rob all of our precious energy? I don’t know that we can until a certain process is complete, part of this seems to be strengthening the ego so that we are not demolished by psychopathy but satisfied we have triumphed over it.
We’re into this 3 months and 2 hearings now. She has refused to look at anything that I have provided as proof and has denied everything I have asked for. Granted his petition without me being served and refuses to vacate it. Yet, she won’t hear my petition. She refuses to look at what I submit, asks the P for his opinion and rules in his favor (you see the irony here of taking the ‘word’ of a pathological liar at face value, right?). It is sickening the way she treats him. If she asks a question and I give her an explanation, she has nothing but nasty remarks like “that was too much information” or “more information than I asked for” and demeaning stuff like that. She also yells at me something awful (although I’ve heard that others complain of the same thing). Essentially, when she called me all of those things was simply because she wouldn’t look at the paper work I provided, asked me a question, cut me halfway thru and inferred what she wanted to. She’s a real horror that one! She sounds like a lunatic with PMS and out of Prozac.
As for an appeal, yeah, sure, no doubt. Nothing that wouldn’t cost me $25,000 or so to do.
Back during the divorce, I exausted all resources and couldn’t find anyone to help. I was treated rather poorly everywhere I went until I gave up. If that was then, when I had no job and 2 little babies in my arms, what do you think I can find today when I’m an able-bodied person by all the extent of the imagination?
Quantum –
Talk about feeling defeated…just reading this makes me want to meet privately with the Judge to ask her about what it meant to her to take the oath of office!!!!! Simply control? and nothing else… Wow!
Anyway… there is a website that allows you to ask Judges questions…maybe you could get some good advice or tips or legal stuff here: copy and paste ALL of this into your URL –
http://www.justanswer.com/tags/legal/Judge?r=ppc%7Cga%7C1%7CLaw%7CJudge&JPKW=a%20judge&JPDC=S&JPST=&JPAD=3113822163&JPAF=txt&JPCD=20091125&JPRC=1&JPOP=Omar_TaggedPages_Tagged&gclid=CIS3p5321p8CFaAO5QodSyPkdA
also…you could write the judge through your attorney or county clerk (affidavit)
and lastly, could you take the stand and have your lawyer ask questions that get you to tell your side of the story…
or maybe you need a new lawyer??
It’s a bit more complicated than that. Everything in my life is more complicated than it needs to be.
I’ll check the website, thanks. Much appreciated, who know, I may learn something useful today. Ha!
I’ve been representing myself, something I have done well in the past but she’s pounding me so much that I just can’t take it anymore. So far, she’s put out 2 orders with 3 pages each in which she has denied everything. It’s so blatantly unfair because the proof is in front of her all along, all she has to do is look at the papers and see it but she keeps complaining that it’s “too much paper.” I know where this is going and it’s not going to be good, cheap or easy to get out of it so I’ve thrown in the towel and, after much looking, finally hired a lawyer. I think he understands me and my needs but we’ll see if that holds. In the past, they’ve made a U turn on me and left me high and dry. Anyway, one of the things I hope to get out of this is that he can make her see things differently. For some reason, she really hates me and is merciless. The lawyer will buffer me and by presenting things in a different way, maybe, she’ll see my side. That’s a long shot thou that hasn’t worked in the past. Judges stay consistent from beginning to end and whatever happens on the first hearing pretty much tells you what to expect.
In my county you are allowed one request of change (judge).
You certainly don’t get to choose your judge, but in the persuit of justice this is allowable for several reasons.
Your case goes back into the ‘kitty’ and your assigned another judge.
I would make this my first priority with my new attorney.
Even if the judge IS an S….you must educate yourself on the judge you will appear before…..research is key in this (just like knowing the ex)….google her/him and research their rulings on other cases. Talk to others whom have appeared infront of this judge. (keeping in mind all cases are different). If your county video tapes the proceedings, order several from this judges hearings and study them……
See what she is looking for, deals with, accepts and reacts to……AND COMPLY and MORPH your case/personality/presentation in the way SHE will hear it.
You must become the chameleon and present to the judge the way this JUDGE wants to be presented to….manner, personality, body language, tone, accent, WHATEVER.
It’s very time consuming…..but if you wish to be successful….it has to be this way….
My first choice is that you seek another judge…..file that first!!!