In February 1999, my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, was finished with me. I had no more money, no more credit and no more earning capacity, because my business was ruined. So Montgomery arranged for me to find out that he’d had a child with another woman during our marriage. With this, I left, as I’m sure he expected.
Oh, he made a few attempts to reel me back in. “It’s not what you think,” he said. “Let me explain.” I didn’t. I kept driving.
I never saw him again. And now, after hearing so many of your stories about the sociopaths who won’t go away, I realize how lucky I was. I didn’t have a child with him. I didn’t have to attempt to co-parent with a sociopath, while the sociopath tried to turn the children against me.
My heart breaks for all of you in this unwinnable situation, stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Not long ago, I heard from a woman who is in this position. We’ll call her “Marsha.” Marsha was married for 16 years to a guy who she now knows is a sociopath. They’ve been divorced for two years. They have five kids—two teenagers, three younger. Her ex has regular visitation times when he’s supposed to pick up the kids, although he hasn’t shown up for his Saturday afternoon time in months.
Marsha sometimes sees her ex at events for the kids, which is uncomfortable for her. She writes:
The last one was particularly upsetting for me, as he came over to my mom and gave her a hug, asked her how she was, and appeared to be very moved to see her. I know it is all bs, but the cognitive dissonance it creates…
How should I “be” around my ex? Do I speak in a friendly tone, similar to the way he is speaking to me, do I keep everything monotone, do I try to avoid speaking to him altogether, or is there some other option?
I don’t know how to advise Marsha. So, Lovefraud readers, especially those of you who are coping with similar situations, what do you suggest?
I wasn’t aware that a litigant can request a chance of judge. I’ll check with my attorney on that. I’m truly hoping that the attorney can make the difference. She won’t have to deal with me anymore and I’ll be completely buffered. It really is difficult to ignore though, the deference with which she treats him and even the little sarcastic remarks and the way she outrights cuts me down and yells at me. Again, I’ve heard other people complain of the same but have heard others say also that she is fair. So, go figure!
I know that my attorney is crafting some things for me that no one ever tried before which gives me a lot of hope and a good feeling about him. The first thing he told me was, “we have to do some damage control” – I really liked that! Now, he’s also a criminal lawyer so, maybe, he’s approaching this from that angle. How fitting, huh? For the first time, he will be treated like the criminal he is. His lawyer though sucks but is so evil, so disgusting and such a poor excuse for a human being. They’re perfect for each other. Gawd! How can anybody not see right thru them?
I still vote for another judge!
Maybe some judges have something against self-representation????? Prior bad experiences, etc… who know….
Wouldnt that be GREAT if you could get a new judge!!! Good to know EB!!!
Meantime your new lawyer sounds like he’s on the ball and has a plan!!
I wouldn’t mind that at all.
Although I hate to say this, I’ve found out that when dealing with female judges, there are some who feel they have to be extra hard on the women so as to show how very “fair” and “unbiased” they are. No, I guess, the don’t really realize that what they are doing is unfair and biased but, either way, we women are at a disadvantage most of the times. She could very well be this type, totally going his way to show how fair she is which would certainly explain things. She is also fairly new at this judging thing and may be going thru a period of adjustment in which she’s trying to be real tough before she finds some happy medium (hopefully).
I also know that male judges tend to favor male litigants over female too. There is plenty of research and articles on that out there. I had a male on the first round and he was an a***hole, just exactly like this one. I could’t win one with the guy for anything. The second time, I had an older female and she was unbelievably great. She saw right thru the monster on day one put him in his place many a time but he got himself two (not just one) lawyers to craft the lies for him which didn’t help him any. I ended up winning that round but now I’m back in the shithole again.
There is a judge in my county that has a notorious reputation for being poor on the bench.
Everyone said don’t get him…..you’ll be cooked….
I’ve heard it from male/female/attornies….etc….
Well…..heres the lesson….I’ve had contact with this judge to discuss Cluster B’s and how they are handled and identified from the bench…..
This guy has been the MOST receptive person I have held conversations with…..(not in the courtoom)……and given what he has experienced……and what My attorney has said about him…..was that if he wsa my assigned judge….I would have NOT balked.
I think he can recognize DV, recognize the destruction ans games and is willing to do continuing education on the subject of Cluster B’s…..
So…..in the courtroom…..there is 2 people….one will walk out upset…..so a judge has 50% chance of satisfying someone and 50% of pissing someone off…….
When we research the judges…..we need to keep thi sin mind and use our own educated filter to decide how this judge will be in OUR case. Not get caught up in the ‘drama’ of someone pissed off because it just ‘didn’t go their way’….
Fair is fair….on all sides of the coin….
such a shame that not only do we have to adjust how we act/react/behave with a S in the courtroom – but now we have to do the same with the judge in the courtroom.
Whats the point of a judge again? If a judge isnt aware of cluster B’s or how they operate — youre right back in the victims seat all over again….
In my case, all 3 times, it has been all or nothing. Very loopsided. As for him not being happy, who gives a rat’s ass, really? The reality is that the guy is incapable of feeling any emotions so he probably doesn’t care either way. Except that when it goes his way, that validates his wrongdoing and empowers him only to do more of the same.
Gosh, I got lucky, with a very compassionate judge.
Jake, welcome! We all have that weakness, believe me. You just confirmed that I’d better avoid Facebook a little longer. I took my page down when I came to realize that my S/P was having his daughter read my page for info he could use against me (Yeah, the child who is the ally – his daughter. She is one screwed up chiick.) I’d love to get my page active again, but I’m really afraid I’ll go look at his. And hers. I really want to have someone sitting there when I open my page again, so they can help me focus on the “Security” page first thing, where I’ll remove them both from my friend list and make it so only my friends can find me on a Facebook search. I can’t believe it, but I have to admit that I”m literally afraid of Facebook! And of what I might do if I go into it too soon!
Cat, thanks for your congrats on my Order. And wow, I’ve been getting those Anonymous phone calls – three in one week – haven’t gotten them since he was harrassing me this past August. I’m sure it’s him. I won’t answer.
Wish I could say more about this judge thing. It’s mind boggling. . . .good luck to all. . ..
Jake – see, you are making good use of your fb experience already, by playing it forward!
I too had a pretty much blanket ‘caring and sharing’ edict. and yes, it was flawed.
Now, I have a bigger set of tools with which to relate to people: caring and sharing for those who prove to be trustworthy, and the concept of shutting out and walking away for those who do not. I have lots of practice to do in this life to learn to use the tools well and smoothly – but i have learned a lot in the first part of my life, and i can continue to learn in the 2nd part of my life.
It’s actually a gift Jake – this horrid eye opening experience of being spathed. And yes, my ability to trust is ruptured, but I am pretty sure I can heal that. I want to come out clearer and fiercer, more able to protect myself in the world and within myself (against the negativity I carry with me), and more able again, to protect others; able to love myself as never before and make myself my own top priority.
I have abandoned myself endlessly, in the name of spiritual principles and familial ‘love’; i can learn to stop this now. that horror show spath pierced my need for love so very deeply, that i can see that *I* am my only hope.
best,
one step
From my warped mind….
Jake wrote: “Louise DON’T LOOK!..please”..you don’t need to know what’s going on down in the toilet bowl!”
Once you shit….flush it down!!
You wouldn’t chase shit down to the sewer….would ya?