In February 1999, my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, was finished with me. I had no more money, no more credit and no more earning capacity, because my business was ruined. So Montgomery arranged for me to find out that he’d had a child with another woman during our marriage. With this, I left, as I’m sure he expected.
Oh, he made a few attempts to reel me back in. “It’s not what you think,” he said. “Let me explain.” I didn’t. I kept driving.
I never saw him again. And now, after hearing so many of your stories about the sociopaths who won’t go away, I realize how lucky I was. I didn’t have a child with him. I didn’t have to attempt to co-parent with a sociopath, while the sociopath tried to turn the children against me.
My heart breaks for all of you in this unwinnable situation, stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Not long ago, I heard from a woman who is in this position. We’ll call her “Marsha.” Marsha was married for 16 years to a guy who she now knows is a sociopath. They’ve been divorced for two years. They have five kids—two teenagers, three younger. Her ex has regular visitation times when he’s supposed to pick up the kids, although he hasn’t shown up for his Saturday afternoon time in months.
Marsha sometimes sees her ex at events for the kids, which is uncomfortable for her. She writes:
The last one was particularly upsetting for me, as he came over to my mom and gave her a hug, asked her how she was, and appeared to be very moved to see her. I know it is all bs, but the cognitive dissonance it creates…
How should I “be” around my ex? Do I speak in a friendly tone, similar to the way he is speaking to me, do I keep everything monotone, do I try to avoid speaking to him altogether, or is there some other option?
I don’t know how to advise Marsha. So, Lovefraud readers, especially those of you who are coping with similar situations, what do you suggest?
Rosa
I have a tiny confession to make.
I am a FaceBook virgin. I’ve never been to FaceBook OR MySpace.
Am I missing out on something here?
What is the purpose of FaceBook??
My curiosity is now peaked.
If I need to socialize with someone, I either call them or e-mail them, so I don’t get the FaceBook thing.
But, then again, I’ve never been there.
I have a nerdy side…..and I think I just showed it.
Rosa
Thank you, Henry. That’s all I really need to know.
hens
ok Jake – here’s the deal.. you have a pattern of meeting loser’s and user’s, It’s time for you to dig into your childhood, your past and find out why. Your not an idiot. Stop focusing on them and focus on yourself…I recommend a book – Meaning from Madness – by Richard Skerritt…
Rosa
Thank you, Jake.
My curiosity is no longer peaked regarding FaceBook.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Jake – I’d also suggest the Betrayal Bond. Available in the love fraud bookstore. Good for digging in to the past.
ErinBrock
Rosa:
Facebook was a very valuable tool I used to gain mucho info on the spath and his ‘dealings’…..
I was soooooo shocked at what I reconed there…..AND HE DIDN”T EVEN HAVE AN ACCOUNT!!!!!!!
I was a wonderful tool……for recon…..during the divorce….knowing when he was coming back to town……etc,.
BUT I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER and FOREVER have a ‘real’ acount!
Even though I LOVED IT!!!!! HAHAHAHA.
Im with you if i can’t call ya or visit you….then ya don’t need to know anything about me….
The thing about here is we still have anonymity…..
ErinBrock
Hens….
dang…you make me laugh……
I’m gonna go check my toilet….make sure ALL the plumbing is in order!
Jake…..thanks….gutsy is good I think…..well….I guess it depends on what side of the guts your on….haha!!!
ErinBrock
If you could only hear me!!!!
Ox Drover
Dear Jake,
Welcome to LF, it is a healing place and Knowledge=power and I suggest you go back through the archives and read EVERY article (save the comments for later, just read the articles to start, there are hundreds of them!)
There are lots of “truths” we are taught in Sunday school and regular school, that are FALSE, “there are two (valid) sides to every story” or “it takes two to fight” or “there is good in everyone.”
There are many more of these UN-truths that many people subscribe to in our world.
First off, there ARE people who are EVIL. There are people who do bad things but are NOT unable to repent. There are people who have PATTERNS of abusive behavior that are INCAPABLE OF REPENTANCE. It is, unfortunately, not a SAFE world and just because you do GOOD doesn’t mean you won’t be “crucified.”
Look at the story of Jesus, and his battles with the Pharisees of his day, they were CROOKED “religious leaders and politicians”–He called them out on it (called them hypocrits) and said they were like whitewashed tombs, beautiful on the outside and inside full of rotting flesh. For this, these “holy” men got false witnesses to work up the crowd and get Jesus crucified. Those men had no “good down in them” because they had “hardened their hearts” and would not repent. They were willing to order Jesus put to death as a criminal because they didn’t like the TRUTH He spoke.
The Bible is filled with men who did some pretty nasty stuff, like King David, an adulterer and murderer, yet he was referred to as a “man after God’s own heart.” WHY? Because when he was chided for his bad behavior, HE REPENTED. He changed his ways. Good people sometimes do bad things, but they can and DO repent and change their ways. EVIL people do not, they enjoy the evil that they do.
Learn all you can about psychopathy, and learn all you can about what it is about yourself that allows these people to get close to you.
You don’t have to become UN-trusting, just cautious, trust should be EARNED not “given until proven untrustworthy”—it is a lesson that each of us I think needs to learn and take to our hearts, and how to WATCH for the “red flags” that signal a predator in human form. Glad you are here, stay around a while. Great people here. God Bless.
Spirit40
Rosa,
Facebook can be a great place to re connect with old childhood friends and also family members abroad. Personally from my experience it has been my connection to all of my cousins in other countries and great people I grew up with… my space on the other hand is blah……with facebook people can search for you but you decide whether you want to add them to your list of friends or family…….