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By | September 3, 2009 147 Comments

TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I didn’t want to be alone and believed that he loved me

Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a reader who we’ll call Mandy. Mandy is 15 years old and dated a sociopathic guy, who was two years older, for over a year. Notice how similar the sociopath’s behaviors are to what many of us adults experienced—an indication that this manipulative behavior is instinctual in sociopaths.

A person cannot be diagnosed a sociopath until the age of 18, but can start showing symptoms at a young age. He was 15 and I was only 13. We lived in two separate towns. We met on the computer off of an Internet website called Facebook and then started talking all the time on phone.

I was a perfect victim. I had no self-esteem when I was younger because of verbal abuse I had faced from classmates. I felt alone and just wanted to have a boyfriend by my side. We were constantly flirting on the phone, but I didn’t want this to be a cyber relationship. He seemed charming and sweet. Every time time I would ask him to hang out he would tell me that there was no one to drive him. His sister couldn’t and his mother would leave him home all day by himself and how alone he felt. So I had asked him, “What about your dad?” He said, “I never met my dad before.” It’s like he would make me feel guilty for asking him.

He started to say “I love you”

Weeks were going by, but the more time that passed, the more we were acting like a couple. He even started to say, “I love you.” I couldn’t handle this relationship because we never have even met! So when I finally decided to tell him we should end this, he told me he would kill himself and that he had written a suicide note. I couldn’t let go after he told me this. Promising me that he would he see me soon.

A few weeks later he started mentioning ex-girlfriend who he said he dated for three years. When I asked to speak to her, he gave me her screen name. I just wanted to speak to her to see if everything he told me added up. I ended up finding the ex-girlfriend on Facebook, which is when I found out from her that he was lying. He lied about never meeting his dad, and they didn’t date for three years, only two months, and that he made up a fake screen name. Also telling me he wanted her back. When the three of us were on the phone confronting him he said that he picked me over her and that he would never lie to me again.

$85 taxi ride

About a month later, with still not seeing each other, he told me to call his mother so we can see each other. When I had asked her she told me, “I don’t mean to be a bitch of a mother, but right now is not a good time. He needs to get his priorities straight.” From her finding out that we were talking, she quickly put a end to it by telling him to stop. But a couple of months later we started talking again. Sitting home sick on March 10th, he wanted me to come to his school to see him. I took a taxi, which cost me $85 for the whole trip with only my money. He was very nice, sweet, and funny and even introduced me to his friends. We finally met after four months, but I had to make the effort.

I started to notice that he was never going out with friends, and every time I would go out he would be mad because I wasn’t giving him attention. When I had asked him why he doesn’t really go out, he would tell me that because he used to be a bad kid his mom doesn’t allow him out very often because she cant trust him yet. Telling me that he changed and is trying to gain all of her trust back.

Yelling at me

So on a Friday night when I was going out, he had called me screaming to never call his number again. Telling me that I sent pictures to his friends. He kept yelling at me and screaming, how could I do such a thing? I kept telling him that I love him and that I didn’t do anything. As he heard me cry for hours to him; he wouldn’t stop yelling at me and told me to forget about him. I called back and said, “You know what? I know I didn’t do anything; just forget about it.” He said, “I love you I want to be with you,” like nothing even happened. I knew the story was all made up though. I didn’t want to let him go because I felt like he was the first real guy who actually liked me.

The next few weeks were fine, but now it was over five months, it started to come down to if this could actually work. The only way I can do this was if I received his mother’s approval of me. We started to argue about the whole thing because he wasn’t sure if he was going to go through with it. He said, “You would get a boyfriend and then leave me. You wouldn’t be able to say I love you anymore. Once you have a boyfriend, you would eventually stop calling me.”

Sexual acts

Basically from here to September, the new school year, all we were doing was deciding to be friends, to being friends with benefits to trying to be together. Just a repeating pattern from month to month. Until one night when I returned from babysitting he had asked me, how were the kids? Asking me if I ever thought about doing anything sexual with them. He tried to get me to share stories of sexual things I have done with the children. I thought he was joking, and tried to brush it off. Then he started to ask me to have sexual contact with family members and then my dog. I would ask him, “Why do you try to talk about these things?” His answer was, “I do this because I know you like it.” I found this disgusting and weird. This continued for months and he wouldn’t stop.

In January he came to my house; he actually made half of the effort this time with paying and getting in a taxi for me. We had to sneak to do this though. He wanted me to have sex with him, but I had told him no. He forced himself on top of me holding me down trying to get me to have it, but I kept screaming to stop and he finally let go. And you would think I wouldn’t want to be with him, but I was in denial because I didn’t want to be alone and believed that he loved me.

He had a new girlfriend

A month later I wrote a letter to his mother that I am a good person and telling her that I want to be with her son. She turned me down and basically two weeks later he had a new girlfriend and told me he just wants to be friends with me. We will never be together and all we were doing was fighting. Along the way, though, he made up lies after lies and manipulated me into believing that we could be together. He promised me for over a year that once he will be able to drive he could see me, but that never happened. He made promises to me that never happened.

It took me three long months to get myself out of depression about the question, did this really happen? I found myself crying every day and needed to go to a social worker in school. My dad knew some of the story, because along the way I told him bits and pieces. My dad warned me though. I got hurt.

Traits of a sociopath

He has all the traits of a sociopath, which my social worker thought too.

Glibness and Superficial Charm, Manipulative and Conning, Pathological Lying, Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt, Shallow Emotions. When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion, it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy. Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior, Infidelity, Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts

He showed all of that along the way. This went on for over a year. Now he has stopped talking me for good, but I still feel like he will come back. His new victim, or would you say girlfriend, is a new girl who was new to his town who just had moved on. Perfect target.

Broken heart

I had to sum the story up, but it was really more to that. There were a lot of tears and me crying over him for a year and a lot of fighting. I took a lot of verbal abuse from him. My life revolved around him, with me blowing off homework and studying to talk to him. Me trying to make the effort to be with him. I loved him and I put my everything into him because I convinced myself that he loved me.

It’s been seven months since he stopped talking to me, but I still think about him everyday. I am traumatized by him, and still have a broken heart. I did spend a lot of my money on him, but did it cause I believed the lies he told me, but he just used me to get to what he wanted. He wanted me to go along with his sick fantasies. He never cared about me, and never will.


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Ox Drover

Dear Mandy,

Thank you for sharing your story. That took a lot of courage.

Being lonely at any age is difficult, it is normal and natural for a person to want companionship, someone to love. Unfortunately, the person you gave your love to was not one that was able to either receive it or give it back to you.

I hope you will continue to learn about how sociopaths work, and what they are, but I also hope that you continue to learn more about yourself, and how unique and special you are, and that you do not deserve to be treated badly by anyone.

You are fortunate that your social worker knows what a sociopath is, and recognizes how dangerous they can be. Learning about sociopaths will help you for the rest of your life, though right now it is a very painful lesson and you continue to hurt from the experience.

I’m so glad that you recognize how twisted he was/is and that his sexual fantasies are so twisted as well. I am even more glad that you were not sexually intimate with him. That took strength on your part to tell him “No!” when you obviously were in love with him. I’m glad you had that strength, that shows what you can do when you set your resolve.

Right now you are still in pain from your close encounter with the “fire” of a sociopath, and you still have”burns” to heal, but you also can be proud of yourself that you DO have an inner strength, an inner strength that will only get better and stronger as you march into the full bloom of your womanhood! A woman who knows she deserves REAL LOVE, and won’t settle for anything less.

There is a saying “too soon old, too late smart” that applies to myself and many others here, we didn’t learn early that we truly deserved the BEST, and you are learning that lesson at an early age. A lesson that will protect you the rest of your life, that will lead you to a wisdom at a much earlier age than some of us have had to learn that same painful lesson.

I’m proud of you, and proud FOR you! Congratulaltions!!! You are becoming a woman who is wise beyond her years and I hve every confidence you will overcome the pain you feel now and emerge a stronger person at a much earlier age than I did, and many of us here did! (((hugs))))

Vision

Dear Mandy,

Your story was very moving. Like the rest of us here at LF you have experienced a true SP…It sure is hard to break away….

It is a sad day when you finally realize that they really don’t love you and never will…..but that is the first step in healing your broken heart……If we stay in denial we will never move ahead…..

Yes, at first it is hard to forget them….But your courage is inspiring and as OxDRover said you have learned at an earlier age and time in your life……This is a good thing……Since you now have the knowledge of this disorder and can be more in-tune to perceiving this in your dealings with others in the future…..

I am proud of you as well. You will forget in time. That is a promise……My past loves, whether I loved them or thought that I did, have all been forgotten….The good ones I think of fondly but there is no pain now……The bad ones I think of (which is rarely), I think of them with a disdain or downright disgust…….and no pain just a too, too bad I got duped.

I too, at this time, am getting over an SP. My past affairs and marriages were with pretty normal men although one was a Narcissistic. Until now, I never was involved with this kind of behavior and like yourself, went along with the lies and broken promises……It is normal to believe people who ask for our trust…..After it becomes clear to us that something is very wrong, we can’t believe it is really so…..We want to believe the good in people, that they want to love us……

We are then betrayed by these deceivers and then find it difficult to break free….Our hearts have come to have affection and love as well for them…..So we continue to want to believe they are good…..and we make excuses in our hearts for them……

And to no avail…..They are reptiles…..cold blooded and no heart. They can’t love us…..they don’t know what it is…..

Put your mind on other things….Get involved with the wonderful opportunities in your area……You can volunteer your time to help others……..Get out there and fill your time with good friends and plan your time so you know you will not be alone….

Throw yourself into your school activities as well…..Before he came along, what were some of the things you did for yourself that you enjoyed? Renew these and have some real fun…..

He isn’t worth anymore of your time……Soon, you will start to dislike him….disdain him…..and one day, you will realize that you haven’t given him a thought……You are on the road to your freedom!

You are a shining star!!

skylar

MANDY, YOU ARE A GENIOUS.
Look at how many of us 2 and 3 times your age were fooled for many many years. Yet, you saw through him and dumped him without losing your virginity or your dignity.

Yes, you were vulnerable and you were kind. That confirms even more what a great person you are, because you have feelings and you are not a sociopath.

I was 17 when I met my sociopath. It took me 25 years to get away. Congratulations to you.

skylar

I forgot to say, Mandy, that I spoke with the 15 year old daughter of a friend about my experience with the sociopath. She was grateful to have learned about it and realized that she had known a sociopath girlfriend at one time. She even wanted me to come to her school and talk about it. I declined because I’m not qualified.
I told her to read the books, “Why is it always about you” and “the sociopath next door” then to pass them along to all the girls she knows.
You should do the same. You have gained knowledge and wisdom, now pass it on.

neveragain

Mandy, I am 59, but I had an experience with a sociopath, my first boyfriend, when I was 15. He dumped me when I had just turned 16. I was vulnerable too. I had been raped by a stranger when I was 12 at a house I was babysitting at. My boyfriend made me feel like I could trust a male again. Boy, did I pick the wrong person to trust!

I remember that I cried every day for a year, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Then finally, when I was at a summer camp and met a nice boy, I woke up the next day and realized that the previous day I had not once thought of my old boy friend. It was a HUGE relief to have him out of my mind.

Make sure you never have contact again. They NEVER change and all they do is hurt on purpose!!!! It is hard to get our heads around that. Even harder to get our hearts around that.

My old boy friend, my first love (though like you we did not have sex), kept contacting me. He came to see me once when he was in college. But I kept pushing him away. When he heard I was getting married, he asked for one more chance, I said no.

But that was not the end of it. He kept calling me on my birthday for years. For awhile he lost my trail and he would ask my boss where I was but I had told them not to tell him where I had gone next. It was mild stalking.

Finally, he hit me at a low point 40 years later!!! I was stupid and let him back into my life. This time it took two years to get over the hurt. It was MUCH worse.

So my advice to you is to stay strong. THEY NEVER CHANGE. It is hard to have been used, but at least you knew to fight him off, you knew to check up on his stories….you are a smart girl who just got targeted. I didn’t learn my boyfriend was a sociopath until after the second time. So be very proud of yourself!!! You protected yourself physically too, which is just amazing and wonderful!

My favorite book for teens is “When you love a man who loves himself”….it is easy to read and tells you how to lose your appetite for these losers and never date one ever again!

Don’t worry too about being without a boyfriend. I felt the same way. But the best way to attract boys is to have strong interests and passions of your own. That makes you a person with interesting things to talk about and also makes you joyful. One thing most boys can’t resist is a girl full of life and laughter!

Plus…boys aren’t the be all and end all of existence. I sure thought so at your age! But mostly try to have fun. Most girls aren’t getting married until late in their 20’s. You’ve got a lot of time ahead of you, and many women…if they had it to do over…would NOT get married! Men can be big babies! LOL!

Go forward and don’t make the mistake I did of letting him back into your life EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS Mine threatened suicide too, when he was in college and then said I saved his life. If he called now, threatening suicide, I would just tell him if something silly like a phone call can make you change your mind, then you aren’t serious. Good bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I’d hang up on him. Sounds cruel, but they are such liars!

neveragain

PS Mandy….You said “he stopped talking to me”. In reality, YOU rejected HIM, by sending a clear message that you are a young lady of strength, who won’t accept rape and won’t accept a pseudo -relationship. He got the message and in essence said if you are rejecting boys who just want to string you along and rape you…if that isn’t good enough for you….then I’m out of here.

For so long …decades, I though my 16 year old boyfriend had decided I wasn’t good enough for him and had dumped me for a girl with a smaller nose and bigger breasts. I beat myself up! Thought I was ugly. Actually….in college I was runner up for homecoming queen, but even then his words kept haunting me! What an idiot I was! I’m actually have a very attractive and curvy figure and my nose is like Princess Diana’s.

So whatever he said that was negative, forget it. HE IS A LIAR.

And remember, you actually dumped him. You don’t want to be raped! You don’t want a boy friend who makes you feel bad. You don’t want to be his yoyo, up in his arms one minute, down on the ground the next. Sounds pretty reasonable to me! But once he really got your number, he said forget it, no fun if I can’t rape her, no fun if I can’t just keep stringing my little yoyo along! and he left. Because YOU know what real friendship and caring should be like. He doesn’t.

Congrats for dumping him. Don’t you forget it! Truly, your actions of integrity and knowing what real friendship is drove him off. WOO HOO! You are the strong one. You are the winner.

neveragain

One LAST PS…I know it is hard because you truly loved him. I truly loved my boyfriend too, even though I was very young. It is real. I told my parents I would love him forever.

But I realize now that I gave my heart away too quickly. People can put on an act. Most don’t. But because some do, when you do research and find one lie….NO SECOND CHANCES. Dump them!

You loved the mask he had one. Back in the beginning, if he had said “Let me introduce myself. I want to be the guy who tries to rape you. I want to be the guy that you will spend money on. I want to be the guy you talk to, think about, long for. And in return, I will tell you lies. I will tell you I love you but I won’t mean it. I will keep trying to find more girlfriends. I will make you cry and cry as much as I can…..So what do you say, do you want to be my girlfriend????” You would have told him to forget it!

Instead he put on a mask. You fell in love with that mask. He hurt you, because like a scorpion, that is what he does. That is his nature. It really had nothing to do with how you acted, he was going to sting you no matter what, because he is a scorpion.

So think about that mask and what you like in a boy….and what kind of character and ethics you want in a boy, and don’t settle for less. Some guys are going to be very lucky over the years to enjoy your friendship and love. All breakups will hurt….but NOT like this one. This one hurts SO bad because you were BETRAYED.

In most cases, the longer you are with a boy, the more things you will find to like about him. Then, sometimes, you discover you need to part. Because he is REALLY into hunting, and you are not. Or he wants to travel all the time and you hate travel. Whatever. But you will cry a little for a couple of weeks and that will be it! You will both know you never meant to hurt each other, and you had LOTS of fun times, but now it is time to wish each other well and move on. You cry a little, but later you will smile at the memory of the good times. That is what a NORMAL relationship that falls apart feels like.

So know that with NICE guys, this kind of pain won’t come with love! It is the BETRAYAL of your love that hurts, but again, congratulations on making it clear that you would settle for being someone’s yoyo and rape victim!

neveragain

I meant that you would NOT settle for being someone’s yoyo girl and rape victim!

anf06

This is mandy now leaving a comment just saying thanks for the comments so far, all those comments put a smile on my face. It’s really a great feeling to have support in a situation like this!

Ox Drover

Dear mandy,

Glad you are here! This is a great place to learn about THEM but also a great place to learn about yourself.

It is common that other people when we share our story with them, do not believe (or validate) that it is so terrible. I imagine that being so young you get the DOUBLE “oh, get over it, it is just puppy love,” but it doesn’t matter WHAT age you are, 15 or 51 or 71, it HURTS and it is worse than a “normal break up”—but, the great thing is, that once you have had this experience (and LEARNED WHAT IT IS and what is causing it) you are so much less likely to ever be caught up in another relationship like this.

It was and is I am sure a painful lesson, but at the same time, the ones we remember the best are those that we learned “the hard way”—and I can speak from experience on that one!!! You are in good company if it makes you feel any better, there are some pretty smart cookies on this site and we have all been “fooled” so you are not alone, and you didn’t get fooled because you were stupid, you got fooled because you have a caring heart! (((hugs))))

Vision

Hi Mandy!

It is wonderful to hear from you! Please keep reading others experiences here on this site. I have been reading for over a year and it has been a blessing….

I learned so much and found out that the guy I was involved with was mirroring the traits of a sociopath…I don’t really know what I would have done had I not found this site…..I realized he was a SP but at first, I would believe I was wrong in assuming he was one…..since he would turn around and be what I thought was romantic when he was only playing a game with me….

There were so many comments I read on this site that were identical to his behavior and I kept reading…..Mandy, it finally started to sink in……I had to accept it to escape my sad prison in limbo….I was never happy and always wondering what he was going to do and when.

He stood me up and didn’t call. He texted “someone” constantly through dates……he told me he didn’t want to fall in love and this was after he asked me if I was falling in love with him and after he asked me if I could fall in love with him. ???? Nutty but this the way he manipulated……

Well, he has no remorse…..But I soon grew tired of the lies, and after taking some time to myself, I realized that he was so unreal…..that he didn’t care or love me…….and I practice that mantra every time I think of him…..It is sad for me since I thought him to be a real man…..But I might as well love a tree stump…..LOL

It is like loving someone we invented….since we took the things we liked about them and put feelings where there were none….

Nevertheless, it still makes us sad…..Crying is a purification of our souls…..It helps to wash away the sadness…..If you feel lonely without him just remember the loneliness was always there around you while with him……

I wrote this poem about this emptiness and I would like to share it with you…..

Emptiness now surrounds me
The vastness can’t compare
No surprises, no words, and yet, no fear
Can it be so, this space, this void was always here?
and all this time when I thought you close
You where never really here?

Emptiness now embraces me
It seems to wrap me in it’s shroud
Perhaps to let me know it’s safe
It’s okay to cry out loud
But preference begets me
I save my precious tears
And wonder where I was this time
A stranger, a wanderer, in a world of a heartless soul
And somehow, I am free and I am real
Rising up from this hollow hole
Emptiness extends her hand, I plunge
Escaping from a prison of fears…….

Feel free to talk about your experiences with us if you need to and we all know how you feel…….

We care!!!

skylar

Beautiful poem, Vision. Thanks for posting it.

Vision

Thanks Sky, I cry it every day now…..along with my mantra!!

neveragain

Mandy,

It was great to hear from you.

Just wanted to add that your reaction to his sexual questions was good and healthy. Sociopaths try to project on to us the things about themselves that they can’t face. In other words, he was telling you that YOU liked the discussions, when it was really HIM who liked them. It was indeed disgusting and weird.

Sex is something that should be way down the road in a relationship. Be friends first, then girlfriend/boyfriend, and THEN, much later sex can be involved. Sex is so bonding for a female, and also for a MATURE male, but unfortunately high school boys aren’t very mature. They also don’t know what they are doing. Let them learn with someone else. I waited until college, and with a boy I had been dating seriously for three years, before we had sex, and it was a POSITIVE experience. For most of my girlfriends, who got involved sooner with a boy, it was NOT positive. I ended up engaged to that boy, and then we finally decided it was not meant to be, but it didn’t hurt for long, because we both knew we had really cared for each other and would remember each other with fondness. We just wanted different things out of life, even though we had loved each other.

Well, you are much wiser than I was at your age, so you will do fine. Hold tight to your values and integrity. Believe in yourself and others will too!

breckgirl

Mandy – here is what I want you to know – YOU have something I wish I had when I was your age – and that is knowledge. It is painfully learned but if you keep reading and do the emotional recovery work around this relationship you have a much better chance of avoiding engaging in harmful relationships.

When I look back I see that my naivete and compassion for others made me an excellent target for sick selfish people. You don’t have to do that and then figure it out in your 40’s or 50’s or 60’s – you get to free yourself young and that is – as painful as the whole thing was – a great gift.

I strongly suggest you read some books like – “What Smart Women Know” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, that you read ta a blog called “Getting Past Your Past” and buy Susan Elliott’s book as it has some inventories in it and talks about grief work and loss and I found it very very helpful.

Please find value in your own self and do not seek it from others outside of you – treasure yourself rather than seek to be treasured. I know what it is to be lonely. Learn to make friends and observe others so you can choose whether you want them in your life rather than being desperately grateful they chose you – when you are grateful to be chosen you are in danger…

I hope I can help my two young daughters learn the very things I am saying to you so that they too know when to walk from harmful-sick people and when to RUN from predatory people.

with love to you

Easy

You will notice the maturity level of the person is way below what is expected! almost infantile! best yet animal!
But their are the smart ones too! really dangerious!

Ox Drover

Dear Easy,

I agree that the “maturity” level of the psychoopaths seems in many ways STUCK in the infantile level of I WANT—but the level of their CUNNING can grow as they learn to manipulate others to give them what they want.

anf06

I need help with something, I dont want him back he is the worst, but i find myself full of anger still after all these months but I know he will never feel what I feel no matter what and that I have to let it go, but as a sociopath why wont he talk to me even as a person..is it because he is so involved in his new target and that he never cared to begin with so he doesnt care now

breckgirl

anf06 – why would you want to talk to someone who only wants to hurt you.
You are correct – you were a game – a target –

you do not read to him as a person – think of the child that uses the magnifying glass on the ant hills to burn the ants and see them scurry – when he is done does he think about the ants or does he drop the glass and go off to his next interest without a care in the wordl about the harm he has caused another living being? (And I do not like bugs but am using this as an example) you are nothing more than one of the ants in that game and now he is on to the next.

Do you think about the paper plate you ate a barbecue dinner off of? No – you put it in trash and discard it satisfied from the meal and looking for your dessert…

You are the plate – the time with you was the meal. It is eaten and digested and forgotten…

anf06

Your exactly right thats exactly what he did, the question that I dont want to think about but i am putting it out there is will he come back for me cause he thinks i will always be there once he is done with her? Even though I will never let him back in everrrrr!

breckgirl

Do not waste your time in thinking of hi and all of that – tell your mind STOP and refocus on something positive for you.

The tie you spend there is wasted and will only make you feel bad about yourself like somehow the opinion and treatment of us by some really sick person established our value –

when I have so many wonderful people in ,y life telling me how much they love and care for or respect me and then I allow my feelings about myself to be determined by a psychopath or narcissist – my goodness.

Stop that line of thinking and start telling yourself you are enough. Say to yourself –

“I love myself and I make healthy choices for my highest good”.

“I love myself and I protect my time and energy so that I may have peace and joy”.

breckgirl

(PS – I hate my typos – I wish there was an edit feature that would let me correct them – I am a “good speller” – terrible typist!)

anf06

That deffinatly made me feel better and make things clear for me again which i needed, thanks.

Ox Drover

Dear Mandy,

It is natural for you to think of him, but it is NOT good for you to think of him.

If you find yourself thinking of him, wanting him (even though you know you will never let him back) THINK of something else—it is impossible to think of two things at once—so when you find yourself thinking of him, sing a song (even inside your head) or say your multiplication tables, or anything that requires you to think something else. It will GET EASIER to put him out of your mind.

Say something POSITIVE TO YOURSELF, like Breck girl advised. “I am strong” or “I will take care of myself” whatever makes you feel better about yourself.

You will have doubts about yoruself, and all these are signs that you are GROWING because we may take two steps forward and one back, or two forward and three back, but keep on in the direction of healing and you will make more progress than you can even now dream of! It is a growth process and no one grows completely over night….we are ALL growing here, just like you are. Discovering new and wonderful things about ourselves to make our lives better and happier. it is a journey of life—as each part is learned you move on to the next learning.

Remember when you were in first grade and they told you you had to learn all these ABCs and you felt that it was too much, or all those numbers and you felt you could never learn them all, but guess what! YOU DID and then they became words and reading and math, each thing we learn makes the next step easier. Keep on growing and learning for the rest of your life—it makes life fun, exciting and fulfilling, it IS LIFE. (((hugs)))))

skylar

Mandy,
I don’t want you to think of your experience as a waste of time. You learned SUCH a valuable lesson, at such a young age, in such a short time, and with very little expense to you.
Here is what COULD have happened if you hadn’t been the GENIOUS that you are:
You could have gotten pregnant.
You could have been raped.
You could have been killed – yes, some of them kill.
You could have committed suicide – that’s the way some of them prefer to kill.
You could have stayed with him for years, wasting time.
You could have gotten diseases from him.
You could have been snared into doing illegal activities and then gone to jail.
These are some of the many fates which WE older people have endured because we were not the GENIOUSES that you are. You went right to the head of the class, did your homework, paid your tuition, passed with flying colors and got your diploma.
Yes, there is more to learn. You are still struggling with UNDERSTANDING his motivations and even your own. That is where we are now. We are working on that together.

I’m not sure if you have read about the root of narcissism being ENVY. Mine was always trying to make me envy other people or him. I just never did, because it isn’t in me and he hated me more for it.
But I envy you! I admit it. I wish I could be you because you will not likely suffer what I did. You get to go on with your life and do better things than pine over an idiot sociopath. That’s why I keep calling you a genious. That’s my way of putting you on a pedestle so that I don’t have to envy you. It gives me an excuse to say, “Well, yes, she did much better than I did, but that’s only because she’s a genious. I can’t be expected to do that well.” LOL.

Forgive my envy. It’s left over from my trauma. It isn’t really envy when I’m also glad for you – right?

neveragain

My therapist told me to block the P on facebook (done), put him on my blocked list on my email (done), don’t answer if I see his number on my phone as an incoming call and delete any messages without listening. And if he accidentally gets through on my phone she said just to say “I haven’t got time for the pain.” and hang up. I think I will just hang up if he ever calls and not say a word actually.

So have a plan in your head. It is OVER. Keep it over. If he’s got a new girlfriend GOOD, now he is HER PROBLEM, not yours! Woo Hoo!

neveragain

How about this? “You have SO got the wrong number”. Click.

Just have a plan and turn the focus back to YOU, what makes YOU happy in life, where your passion is. When I was just a little older than you I went and volunteered in a school for retarded children and I loved it! I also loved horseback riding. I loved arts and crafts. Find the things that give you joy and go for it!

anf06

Did anyones sociopath was controlling like mine? Like had to know what you were doing like every second of the day mine took over my facebook was extremly jealous, crave attention, didnt want you going out with friends

skylar

yes.
mine had me living in a cabin in the woods on an island for 18 years. He made all the neighbors hate me or vice versa with his lies and slander, so I had no friends.
Isolation, control, and envy are part of the pattern.
They want all your attention because they are like infants.
controlling you makes them feel powerful.
Have you read any books on narcissism yet?

Mandy,

All sociopaths are, or try to be, controlling. That was one reason why I wanted to publish your letter. The behavior you describe is exactly what we all saw in the adult sociopaths we were involved with. It proves that, in many cases, they start young and never change.

Breckgirl,

If you click the preview button when you are finished writing, you can see what you wrote and make any corrections before you click “post.”

Donna

anf06

I havnt read any books on this kind of stuff, i usually look on the internet more to find out info i mean i was just so confused at the time i didnt know what to think and wanted to know who i was dealing with, i am just glad i learned my lesson now then later. his answering machine is you reach narasary, i find that very interesting.

skylar

In order to not be fooled again, because they do come in different forms, you should read some books.
Also it might help you to get a better understanding of how you came to be in this situation and who else in your life might be a narcissist/controller/envious/etc…
“Why is it always about you?” and “The Sociopath next door” are great books.

breckgirl

Thank you Donna!

Yes reading books really help – also my ex-N called me sometimes 60 to 80 times a day – I kid you not – for days on end.

Also these men ofte committ domestic violence – an excellent book about that is Angry Controlling Men Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft-

and the answer is – Because they can get away with it so in their minds – why the heck not? And you and I would say why not is that it is cruel, unkind, lacks compassion – well guess what Mandy – men like that (and there are women like that too) they don’t have compassion for others – they just don’t care –

people who care have a really hard time fathoming this – how someone could not care but this is true – people are born without parts sometimes – you know – an arm ot a leg or some part of their brain – well psychopaths and narcissists are born without the ability to care about the harm they cause others. That’s it – that is how they are – and the only way they know how to live (because they generally do NOT like isolation) is to seek out normal healthy people and abuse them for their own amusement –

think cat playing with terrified mouse not yet dead – just a bit mangled – …

skylar

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/my-glamorous-life-as-a-scumbag-drummer/Content?oid=2119769

Mandy, for a different version of your story, read this link. This guy was going to kill himself because of someone like your sociopath.

Ox Drover

Dear Mandy,

Might I suggest that you go back through the articles here on Love Fraud (you can find them on the left in the archived listed by month) Read every article there, there are ones on how the psychopaths act and on how to heal as well, every article there is GREAT. There are books about how they behave, and books about why we put up with their behavior.

As you mentioned, you were lonely, and loneliness is something that is universal I think, we as humans crave to be connected to others. Learning how to pick GOOD companions and TRUSTWORTHY companions is something we have to be taught though, it doesn’t just come naturally.

You don’t mention anything about your family or who (besides your social worker) your “support group” is. Building a good solid support group for ourselves starts with learning who to trust. People who do “sneaky” or “bad things” or “lie” to others are not people we should trust to only do good things when they are interacting with us. In other words, if someone will lie to someone else, or steal from them, or do illegal things, they will also do those things to YOU or ME.

You talked about him wanting to keep tabs on every breath you took. That is very normal. Even if you had the greatest support group an dfamily in the world, they will ISOLATE YOU so that you do not have these people to clue you in to what they are. They dont’ want voices to say different things than they are telling you. Divide and conqueor is their motto.

CONTROL, as Donna said is what they want to have. Him trying to get you to participate in his TWISTED sexual fantasies is one example, they try to control us to do things we DO NOT WANT TO DO. sometimes we give in, but then they come up with more things that are “worse” and so on.

I remember when i was your age and the boys saying “If you love me, you will have sex with me”—but the RISK of having sex with them was too great for me, and I didn’t want to get pregnant and so on. NOW there is also the risk of getting diseases that will KILL you or make you sick for life, or hurt your baby when you have one. So the RISKS are not worth the chance. I am so glad that you were strong enough not to fall for that control tactic of his. What Skylar said is true, you got off “light” on this time in that you didn’t have PERMANENT CONSEQUENCES like an STD or a baby or other things she mentioned.

The consequences of a broken heart will eventually be offset by the KNOWLEDGE you gained, though it is still painful, it isn’t “as bad as it can be”—-so I am happy for you on that front!

You sound and write like you are a very bright girl, and that you are OPEN to new learning. Being OPEN to learning opportunities is probably one of the strongest things any one can have going for them. Then putting that learning into practice in your life, and making wise choices about those people that we get close to—picking people who are honest, kind, caring and that can be trusted. Not people who do things that they know are wrong but choose to anyway. Whether it is shoplifting or robbing a bank, it doesn’t matter, it is still dishonest.

Making a decision to be honest and caring and to choose honest and caring people as your friends is a good adult decision, and I know at your age when many of your peers may be rebelling and doing “little” dishonest things, from cutting class to cheating on a test, you may get some flack from your peers if you fail to look the other way, or fail to participate in this kind of behavior.

At the same time, though, you won’t be letting yoruself in for consequences that can be life altering.

I see great opportunities for you to grow so much out of this painful experience and to be a young woman wiser than her years! A role model for others to follow! A peer counselor for those less wise than you. In short, a young woman with GOOD SENSE and a kind and caring heart! A young woman who treats herself with respect and expects others to treat her that way as well. You are on the right road, Mandy!!! don’t ever forget that! (((hugs))))

anf06

Thank you, that was very sweet. For the comment my parents werent mentioned, they know bits and pieces of the situation so they werent really there for support cause they didnt know the whole story but my friends helped me, the reason i kind of felt alone cause at the time most of my friends had boyfriends and I didnt. I realize i have the rest of my life, did any of your sociopath talk about cruelty to animals or anything or with children like my did?

Ox Drover

Dear mandy,

Some of them do cruel things to animals and some don’t. Some of them seem to like animals, but it is because they can control the animals and the animals, like dogs, like them no matter how mean they are to them, or how neglectful.

Many psychopaths are sexual with both men and women, and are neither “gay” nor “straight” they just will seem to have sex with whatever they can do. I believe that all pedophiles are psychopaths, though some others do not think that is true.

The main thing is that they havve no remorse, no empathy, and no guilt about anything they do, no matter how badly it hurts others.

Anyone can get a “boyfriend” if you will set your sights low enough. My husband is dead and I could get married tomorrow to someone–if I would just pick myself out some druggie or old wino, but of course I do not want that kind of relationship, so I will wait until there is someone worthy of me. Being alone isn’t necessarily “lonely”—though we as humans want a contact and a love relationship (well most of us do anyway) but a bad one is not a substitute for a good one.

Hold your head up sweetie, and wait until there is a young man that is DESERVING of someone as special as you. Not some scum bag like your X. You deserve ONLY THE BEST! We all do, and that is what we are all learning!

Sometimes I will see a couple that are obviously very loving and I will think to myself, “oh, that would be so nice” but at the same time, I KNOW first hand what it is to have a BAD relationship and I would rather have no relationship than a bad one. No one needs that kind of pain. So I will wait until someone special comes along.

skylar

Mandy and everyone,
I’m going to shoot a wedding video tomorrow so I was looking for a dress to wear. They were all bought about 10 years ago.
That day, 10 years ago was another sign that I missed even though I noticed my confusion.
We never shop for clothes but we had been invited to a wedding We bought the P a suit. Then went to look for a dress for myself. I tried on 5 and they all looked perfect. so the P says, ‘Get all of them.” I was shocked because we never go out anywhere. No dates, no vacations, NOTHING. other than this wedding where would I wear them?
I felt confused as to his reasons, but I went ahead and bought them because, how often do you go shopping and find 5 perfect dresses? Never.

Now I know exactly what he was thinking. He liked the idea that I would spend a couple hundred dollars on beautiful dresses that would only sit in my closet, reminding me that I never get to go dancing, on cruises, romantic weekends, nice restaurants for dinner. Those dresses were supposed to make me feel bad. They didn’t. Just the fact that I looked great in them was great for me. The fact that at 43 I’m a size 3 and they still fit. And now that he is gone. I’M GONNA WEAR THOSE DRESSESS, GUARANTEED. And I don’t have to go shopping – I hate shopping.

But I got off my point. Here is another clue to recognizing a P. You will feel confused by their very strange decisions about buying you things.
The P never bought me a ring. Then one winter when we were so broke, we weren’t sure where our next meal was coming from, he went to the Fred Meyer Jeweler and spent $100 on a gold plated blue topaz ring. Why ? Why then?
He wanted to rub in the stress of being broke with he engengement ring which he never gave me.

skylar

Clarification:
I meant I was looking in my closet for a dress to wear….

Clarification:
He specifically told me that the blue topaz ring was not an engagement ring. Good thing because the gold rubbed off.

Hecates path

Mandy and LF Friends,

Mandy-While I am sorry you had this experience at such a young age, as others said you can use the experience to learn about yourself so that you can have healthy relationships and educate other people in your life about sociopaths. As a teacher of young adults, I am especially moved by your story, the maturity you have shown, and your willingness to seek help, information, and understanding with regard to what happened. I am also very moved by the responses you received – as always this community’s willingness to reach out to anyone regardless of age, gender, sexual preference, etc. is heartwarming.

Donna- Thank you for posting this letter – it really is enlightening to see that the setting and characters can change but the behaviors are consistent even at an early age. Given what I learned through my own experience, I am certain that I have had at least four students in recent years who I can say would likely be diagnosed as sociopaths… the most recent one last year was the most scary because he was so cunning, convincing, controlling and, sadly, so exploitive of the young girls.

As an aside, this whole “conversation” reinforces something that I have been thinking about more frequently: that when we learn and know what to look for in terms of sociopathic behaviors and traits, not only do we see them more clearly in the sociopaths who have deceived us, we can also see so many more of them in our society and communities!! Sometimes I feel like I am “diagnosing” too many people that I encounter as S/N/P’s but then I also remind myself that if it looks, walks, and quacks like a duck….well then it’s a DUCK!! No more rationalizing for me, LOL!

Hecate’s Path

anf06

Well even though you diagnose so many sociopaths, there are more good people..like all these good people like us coming together which makes us stronger. We all can relate to eachother and im only 15 and hes only 17. And for skyler here is a situation that reminded me of that. I remember callling him and asking him are we buying eachother gifs for valentines day? He said if you want putting it on me so i said I would. I bought him a gift, and he told me he will send me flowers or suprise me and find me a really good gift he said anything that I would want. He told me he will send it through the mall, think my gift ever came?…..Nope. Another promise that was broken. I felt like crap when it came to returning the gift. and when i told him i bought him one i remember him acting all exicted and glad, but really glad that i spent money on him and he was giving me nothing in return.

anf06

send it through the mail*

HeartMoonStar

Mandy,

Reading your story made my heart hurt, and then muss over some songs by Aimee Allen (I absolutely love her music!)

sooo…..this is where you were (listen carefully to the lyrics)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWW5upmsAlY (A Little Happiness)

and this is where you will be (me too…hopefully soon!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW3o7B3L36U&feature=related (On Vacation)

Xxoo

Vision

Hi Mandy,

Yeah…..I know what you feel on the giving of gifts and you get nothing….

For 9 months I gave nice cards of encouragement (he claimed to be so down) and lent him money (what a dumb thing) and paid for dinners when he was “broke” ( he lost his job and his new one paid less)………..I bought a few gift shirts and his kids a few toys…..

Not once did I get a card or one little flower (I once hinted I didn’t need a bouquet of roses only a little wild flower would do)

One of the cards was entitled “To A Good Guy” about being a good father and being father’s day, (he had two kids from former marriage) I thought it was a nice idea to give him this. He seemed to love and cherish his children……The card went on about being a “good guy”…….Now, most people would read the card and look up with a smile and say” thank you, how nice!”

Know what he did? He had no smile and kept looking down at the card……Then he said in a cold voice, “So you think I’m a good guy…..” and he never looked up, never said thank you or smiled……..Did he feel guilty? Nahhhh……He more then likely was hiding how delighted he was in his deceitfulness…and what more he would take from me.

Yes, they are takers…..but we won’t let them or anyone else take from us, now will we?

I was thinking about your question about cruelty to animals. I only know with him, that he told me he didn’t like pets. He didn’t like dogs….but he liked rabbits……had a pet rabbit once……when he was a grown man at that,,

I can only think that a rabbit would be a perfect pet for a sociopath…..I represents us don’t you think? Like we are scared rabbits when they hold the control……

Sky, what do you think about that? Oxydrover? Imagine a poor scared, caged rabbit?

So, Mandy, it is the same with all of us…..They take from us what we let them take…..with the boundaries we will set for ourselves, we will be strong and not allow this to happen again….

I have set boundaries for myself and if works so well. I met a man at my friend’s house and after a very nice conversation of 40 minutes, he said, ” Let me give you my number for you to put into your phone and then call me right back so I have your number.” I didn’t feel comfortable with him having my phone number at this time…..Soooo……I took his number but didn’t call him right back and still have not called since I don’t want to now …..So I can choose to loose his or call when I want to ……He didn’t ask me if it was okay to have my number……that is what bothered me……he “told” me what to do…..The point I am making is that with boundaries we can avoid the pitfalls of slipping into another bad relationship no matter what…..

Higs!!

anf06

I will deffinatly listen to that music! and to Vision I believe we let them take things away from us and were able to give them things without anything in return because deep down we were hoping and waiting for our sociopath to be the good guy that we want. We wanted him to give us gifts back or atleast treat us the way we expected. We all have ideal pictures in our head of how we want a relationship and we were just waiting for our person to come around and give us that. I am really glad to hear that you have done that, I mean now we know the signs of a sociopath and how they act. So keep your guard up, but not to much cause we dont want to let the good ones go. So just take it slow at first. theres a difference between a sociopath and just a normal guy being a asshole.

skylar

Vision, smart move with not calling the number.
I’m so stupid I would’ve called right back. Not kidding.
It has become very apparent to me that I have not changed one bit, with my trusting everyone. Does anyone teach classes?

About the rabbit. I’m still confused with my xp’s love of cats.
I will describe what I experienced, but keep in mind that much of it could’ve been a lie:
He said that he always loved cats and used to play with/feed all the wild cats in the neighborhood. He had dozens as a child. He told me that his mother once took all the cats and put them in a bag and drowned them in the river. (remember, he hates his mother for divorcing his dad when he was 12) His mother very recently told me it’s not true. He did play with cats but her best friend’s boyfriend drowned the cats. At which point the best friend dumped him.

When I met him he had a dog named “dog”. That’s the best he could do with a name. But later we kept finding cats and I would adopt them. I gave them beautiful, unique names. After a few years, XP, would “remember” that HE had come up with that name. This happened with each of the 10 cats over 25 years.

He kept a picture of our first cat in his wallet to show people as his “son”. Later, he kept a picture on his laptop screen of a different cat. I had dressed that cat as “puss n boots” for halloween and made him take a picture. One day he said to me: “When I go into a restaurant I’m just any guy, but when I show the waitress the picture on my laptop, EVERYTHING changes” He had a wicked smile on his face.

He used his “love of animals” in stories about how he saved that kitty or bird, or how he would move the dead cat out of the road. Especially if he thought you were beginning to perceive his real face – he would come up with an animal story really quick to insert into the conversation. My evil neighbor with 10 cats began to do the same thing. I started to realize that witches use “familiars” or pets, just to lure you into thinking that they are animal lovers and that skews your perception of them.

Also, I had one very dear cat named Julian. The day he died, my xp came to the house crying and said he found him dead on the road. My radar picked up something strange and I got the intense feeling that he was feeling pleasure. This was 9 years ago, before I knew what he was. But now I think he bashed Julian in the head with a rock, but maybe not. Maybe he found Julian dead and just couldn’t help feeling pleasure knowing that I was going to be suffering.

Lastly, I now understand that he kept bringing home cats – I have 5 – in order to keep me hostage in the house. He knew I could never abandon my cats, and where does one go with 5 cats? I put all 5 into my little tiny car and left him anyway.

anf06

Thats intense, my s/p wanted other things from animals. but i guess it for all similar reasons for the control into getting what they want.

Rosa

One of the things that infuriates me the most about sociopaths is how they steal innocence, or at least try to.
Whether they are molesting a child, manipulating a young girl, or conning adults, they always seem to leave us less trusting/ innocent than before they came into our lives.

Anf06/Mandy: You are a young girl with your whole life ahead of you. Although the experience and aftermath with this boy has been painful, the good news is that you are now armed with critical experience/information that will guide you in making wise decisions for the rest of your life.
It is very possible that the boy who caused you so much pain will come again one day in a different man’s body. He will have a different face, and he may be running a different con.
But, the core sociopathic traits will still be there. Hopefully, you will use your knowledge to recognize these individuals for what they are right from the beginning, and spare yourself the pain/anguish that these types dump onto their victims, and society.

You are a smart young lady with a very bright future. Don’t waste it on losers.

*The pop culture media is teaching you (young people) something completely opposite of what I am about to tell you right now: They like to glamorize “love” & sex in the media, because that is what sells. That’s the bottom line when it comes to movies, TV, and mags. Nothing more ($$).
That, however, is NOT real life.
Nobody that I know has a full team of hair and makeup people surrounding them, painting them up and spraying them down just before they have sex. Do you know what I mean? That only happens in movies and on the covers of magazines. (Actually, Erin B. may be the exception. She just got bouncy hair.)
It’s totally staged and MANIPULATED (by the best photographers in the business) to look hot and sexy, just like something else we all know about. So, don’t fall for the false images in your everyday life, OR in the media.

If you want a loving relationship, then sex should be with someone you LOVE, and who LOVES you back.
Be true to YOURSELF, and the guys will come. The right ones.
Men will NEVER tell you this. But, they really will respect you if you choose to wait. (They may not wait with you, but they will respect you for waiting.)

Actually, Mandy, you sound like you already know this.
But, I am posting it anyway, in case other young girls may be reading.

anf06

Thank you for sharing that. I remember when he had a new girl right after we ended I remember being on the phone so angry saying how can you have another girl right after me (like a day after) I love you and he sat on the phone laughing with a big smerk on his face and said you still love me? They dont care and they never will.

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