Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a reader who we’ll call Mandy. Mandy is 15 years old and dated a sociopathic guy, who was two years older, for over a year. Notice how similar the sociopath’s behaviors are to what many of us adults experienced—an indication that this manipulative behavior is instinctual in sociopaths.
A person cannot be diagnosed a sociopath until the age of 18, but can start showing symptoms at a young age. He was 15 and I was only 13. We lived in two separate towns. We met on the computer off of an Internet website called Facebook and then started talking all the time on phone.
I was a perfect victim. I had no self-esteem when I was younger because of verbal abuse I had faced from classmates. I felt alone and just wanted to have a boyfriend by my side. We were constantly flirting on the phone, but I didn’t want this to be a cyber relationship. He seemed charming and sweet. Every time time I would ask him to hang out he would tell me that there was no one to drive him. His sister couldn’t and his mother would leave him home all day by himself and how alone he felt. So I had asked him, “What about your dad?” He said, “I never met my dad before.” It’s like he would make me feel guilty for asking him.
He started to say “I love you”
Weeks were going by, but the more time that passed, the more we were acting like a couple. He even started to say, “I love you.” I couldn’t handle this relationship because we never have even met! So when I finally decided to tell him we should end this, he told me he would kill himself and that he had written a suicide note. I couldn’t let go after he told me this. Promising me that he would he see me soon.
A few weeks later he started mentioning ex-girlfriend who he said he dated for three years. When I asked to speak to her, he gave me her screen name. I just wanted to speak to her to see if everything he told me added up. I ended up finding the ex-girlfriend on Facebook, which is when I found out from her that he was lying. He lied about never meeting his dad, and they didn’t date for three years, only two months, and that he made up a fake screen name. Also telling me he wanted her back. When the three of us were on the phone confronting him he said that he picked me over her and that he would never lie to me again.
$85 taxi ride
About a month later, with still not seeing each other, he told me to call his mother so we can see each other. When I had asked her she told me, “I don’t mean to be a bitch of a mother, but right now is not a good time. He needs to get his priorities straight.” From her finding out that we were talking, she quickly put a end to it by telling him to stop. But a couple of months later we started talking again. Sitting home sick on March 10th, he wanted me to come to his school to see him. I took a taxi, which cost me $85 for the whole trip with only my money. He was very nice, sweet, and funny and even introduced me to his friends. We finally met after four months, but I had to make the effort.
I started to notice that he was never going out with friends, and every time I would go out he would be mad because I wasn’t giving him attention. When I had asked him why he doesn’t really go out, he would tell me that because he used to be a bad kid his mom doesn’t allow him out very often because she cant trust him yet. Telling me that he changed and is trying to gain all of her trust back.
Yelling at me
So on a Friday night when I was going out, he had called me screaming to never call his number again. Telling me that I sent pictures to his friends. He kept yelling at me and screaming, how could I do such a thing? I kept telling him that I love him and that I didn’t do anything. As he heard me cry for hours to him; he wouldn’t stop yelling at me and told me to forget about him. I called back and said, “You know what? I know I didn’t do anything; just forget about it.” He said, “I love you I want to be with you,” like nothing even happened. I knew the story was all made up though. I didn’t want to let him go because I felt like he was the first real guy who actually liked me.
The next few weeks were fine, but now it was over five months, it started to come down to if this could actually work. The only way I can do this was if I received his mother’s approval of me. We started to argue about the whole thing because he wasn’t sure if he was going to go through with it. He said, “You would get a boyfriend and then leave me. You wouldn’t be able to say I love you anymore. Once you have a boyfriend, you would eventually stop calling me.”
Sexual acts
Basically from here to September, the new school year, all we were doing was deciding to be friends, to being friends with benefits to trying to be together. Just a repeating pattern from month to month. Until one night when I returned from babysitting he had asked me, how were the kids? Asking me if I ever thought about doing anything sexual with them. He tried to get me to share stories of sexual things I have done with the children. I thought he was joking, and tried to brush it off. Then he started to ask me to have sexual contact with family members and then my dog. I would ask him, “Why do you try to talk about these things?” His answer was, “I do this because I know you like it.” I found this disgusting and weird. This continued for months and he wouldn’t stop.
In January he came to my house; he actually made half of the effort this time with paying and getting in a taxi for me. We had to sneak to do this though. He wanted me to have sex with him, but I had told him no. He forced himself on top of me holding me down trying to get me to have it, but I kept screaming to stop and he finally let go. And you would think I wouldn’t want to be with him, but I was in denial because I didn’t want to be alone and believed that he loved me.
He had a new girlfriend
A month later I wrote a letter to his mother that I am a good person and telling her that I want to be with her son. She turned me down and basically two weeks later he had a new girlfriend and told me he just wants to be friends with me. We will never be together and all we were doing was fighting. Along the way, though, he made up lies after lies and manipulated me into believing that we could be together. He promised me for over a year that once he will be able to drive he could see me, but that never happened. He made promises to me that never happened.
It took me three long months to get myself out of depression about the question, did this really happen? I found myself crying every day and needed to go to a social worker in school. My dad knew some of the story, because along the way I told him bits and pieces. My dad warned me though. I got hurt.
Traits of a sociopath
He has all the traits of a sociopath, which my social worker thought too.
Glibness and Superficial Charm, Manipulative and Conning, Pathological Lying, Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt, Shallow Emotions. When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion, it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy. Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior, Infidelity, Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts
He showed all of that along the way. This went on for over a year. Now he has stopped talking me for good, but I still feel like he will come back. His new victim, or would you say girlfriend, is a new girl who was new to his town who just had moved on. Perfect target.
Broken heart
I had to sum the story up, but it was really more to that. There were a lot of tears and me crying over him for a year and a lot of fighting. I took a lot of verbal abuse from him. My life revolved around him, with me blowing off homework and studying to talk to him. Me trying to make the effort to be with him. I loved him and I put my everything into him because I convinced myself that he loved me.
It’s been seven months since he stopped talking to me, but I still think about him everyday. I am traumatized by him, and still have a broken heart. I did spend a lot of my money on him, but did it cause I believed the lies he told me, but he just used me to get to what he wanted. He wanted me to go along with his sick fantasies. He never cared about me, and never will.
Dear Mandy,
Thank you for sharing your story. That took a lot of courage.
Being lonely at any age is difficult, it is normal and natural for a person to want companionship, someone to love. Unfortunately, the person you gave your love to was not one that was able to either receive it or give it back to you.
I hope you will continue to learn about how sociopaths work, and what they are, but I also hope that you continue to learn more about yourself, and how unique and special you are, and that you do not deserve to be treated badly by anyone.
You are fortunate that your social worker knows what a sociopath is, and recognizes how dangerous they can be. Learning about sociopaths will help you for the rest of your life, though right now it is a very painful lesson and you continue to hurt from the experience.
I’m so glad that you recognize how twisted he was/is and that his sexual fantasies are so twisted as well. I am even more glad that you were not sexually intimate with him. That took strength on your part to tell him “No!” when you obviously were in love with him. I’m glad you had that strength, that shows what you can do when you set your resolve.
Right now you are still in pain from your close encounter with the “fire” of a sociopath, and you still have”burns” to heal, but you also can be proud of yourself that you DO have an inner strength, an inner strength that will only get better and stronger as you march into the full bloom of your womanhood! A woman who knows she deserves REAL LOVE, and won’t settle for anything less.
There is a saying “too soon old, too late smart” that applies to myself and many others here, we didn’t learn early that we truly deserved the BEST, and you are learning that lesson at an early age. A lesson that will protect you the rest of your life, that will lead you to a wisdom at a much earlier age than some of us have had to learn that same painful lesson.
I’m proud of you, and proud FOR you! Congratulaltions!!! You are becoming a woman who is wise beyond her years and I hve every confidence you will overcome the pain you feel now and emerge a stronger person at a much earlier age than I did, and many of us here did! (((hugs))))
Dear Mandy,
Your story was very moving. Like the rest of us here at LF you have experienced a true SP…It sure is hard to break away….
It is a sad day when you finally realize that they really don’t love you and never will…..but that is the first step in healing your broken heart……If we stay in denial we will never move ahead…..
Yes, at first it is hard to forget them….But your courage is inspiring and as OxDRover said you have learned at an earlier age and time in your life……This is a good thing……Since you now have the knowledge of this disorder and can be more in-tune to perceiving this in your dealings with others in the future…..
I am proud of you as well. You will forget in time. That is a promise……My past loves, whether I loved them or thought that I did, have all been forgotten….The good ones I think of fondly but there is no pain now……The bad ones I think of (which is rarely), I think of them with a disdain or downright disgust…….and no pain just a too, too bad I got duped.
I too, at this time, am getting over an SP. My past affairs and marriages were with pretty normal men although one was a Narcissistic. Until now, I never was involved with this kind of behavior and like yourself, went along with the lies and broken promises……It is normal to believe people who ask for our trust…..After it becomes clear to us that something is very wrong, we can’t believe it is really so…..We want to believe the good in people, that they want to love us……
We are then betrayed by these deceivers and then find it difficult to break free….Our hearts have come to have affection and love as well for them…..So we continue to want to believe they are good…..and we make excuses in our hearts for them……
And to no avail…..They are reptiles…..cold blooded and no heart. They can’t love us…..they don’t know what it is…..
Put your mind on other things….Get involved with the wonderful opportunities in your area……You can volunteer your time to help others……..Get out there and fill your time with good friends and plan your time so you know you will not be alone….
Throw yourself into your school activities as well…..Before he came along, what were some of the things you did for yourself that you enjoyed? Renew these and have some real fun…..
He isn’t worth anymore of your time……Soon, you will start to dislike him….disdain him…..and one day, you will realize that you haven’t given him a thought……You are on the road to your freedom!
You are a shining star!!
MANDY, YOU ARE A GENIOUS.
Look at how many of us 2 and 3 times your age were fooled for many many years. Yet, you saw through him and dumped him without losing your virginity or your dignity.
Yes, you were vulnerable and you were kind. That confirms even more what a great person you are, because you have feelings and you are not a sociopath.
I was 17 when I met my sociopath. It took me 25 years to get away. Congratulations to you.
I forgot to say, Mandy, that I spoke with the 15 year old daughter of a friend about my experience with the sociopath. She was grateful to have learned about it and realized that she had known a sociopath girlfriend at one time. She even wanted me to come to her school and talk about it. I declined because I’m not qualified.
I told her to read the books, “Why is it always about you” and “the sociopath next door” then to pass them along to all the girls she knows.
You should do the same. You have gained knowledge and wisdom, now pass it on.
Mandy, I am 59, but I had an experience with a sociopath, my first boyfriend, when I was 15. He dumped me when I had just turned 16. I was vulnerable too. I had been raped by a stranger when I was 12 at a house I was babysitting at. My boyfriend made me feel like I could trust a male again. Boy, did I pick the wrong person to trust!
I remember that I cried every day for a year, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Then finally, when I was at a summer camp and met a nice boy, I woke up the next day and realized that the previous day I had not once thought of my old boy friend. It was a HUGE relief to have him out of my mind.
Make sure you never have contact again. They NEVER change and all they do is hurt on purpose!!!! It is hard to get our heads around that. Even harder to get our hearts around that.
My old boy friend, my first love (though like you we did not have sex), kept contacting me. He came to see me once when he was in college. But I kept pushing him away. When he heard I was getting married, he asked for one more chance, I said no.
But that was not the end of it. He kept calling me on my birthday for years. For awhile he lost my trail and he would ask my boss where I was but I had told them not to tell him where I had gone next. It was mild stalking.
Finally, he hit me at a low point 40 years later!!! I was stupid and let him back into my life. This time it took two years to get over the hurt. It was MUCH worse.
So my advice to you is to stay strong. THEY NEVER CHANGE. It is hard to have been used, but at least you knew to fight him off, you knew to check up on his stories….you are a smart girl who just got targeted. I didn’t learn my boyfriend was a sociopath until after the second time. So be very proud of yourself!!! You protected yourself physically too, which is just amazing and wonderful!
My favorite book for teens is “When you love a man who loves himself”….it is easy to read and tells you how to lose your appetite for these losers and never date one ever again!
Don’t worry too about being without a boyfriend. I felt the same way. But the best way to attract boys is to have strong interests and passions of your own. That makes you a person with interesting things to talk about and also makes you joyful. One thing most boys can’t resist is a girl full of life and laughter!
Plus…boys aren’t the be all and end all of existence. I sure thought so at your age! But mostly try to have fun. Most girls aren’t getting married until late in their 20’s. You’ve got a lot of time ahead of you, and many women…if they had it to do over…would NOT get married! Men can be big babies! LOL!
Go forward and don’t make the mistake I did of letting him back into your life EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS Mine threatened suicide too, when he was in college and then said I saved his life. If he called now, threatening suicide, I would just tell him if something silly like a phone call can make you change your mind, then you aren’t serious. Good bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I’d hang up on him. Sounds cruel, but they are such liars!
PS Mandy….You said “he stopped talking to me”. In reality, YOU rejected HIM, by sending a clear message that you are a young lady of strength, who won’t accept rape and won’t accept a pseudo -relationship. He got the message and in essence said if you are rejecting boys who just want to string you along and rape you…if that isn’t good enough for you….then I’m out of here.
For so long …decades, I though my 16 year old boyfriend had decided I wasn’t good enough for him and had dumped me for a girl with a smaller nose and bigger breasts. I beat myself up! Thought I was ugly. Actually….in college I was runner up for homecoming queen, but even then his words kept haunting me! What an idiot I was! I’m actually have a very attractive and curvy figure and my nose is like Princess Diana’s.
So whatever he said that was negative, forget it. HE IS A LIAR.
And remember, you actually dumped him. You don’t want to be raped! You don’t want a boy friend who makes you feel bad. You don’t want to be his yoyo, up in his arms one minute, down on the ground the next. Sounds pretty reasonable to me! But once he really got your number, he said forget it, no fun if I can’t rape her, no fun if I can’t just keep stringing my little yoyo along! and he left. Because YOU know what real friendship and caring should be like. He doesn’t.
Congrats for dumping him. Don’t you forget it! Truly, your actions of integrity and knowing what real friendship is drove him off. WOO HOO! You are the strong one. You are the winner.
One LAST PS…I know it is hard because you truly loved him. I truly loved my boyfriend too, even though I was very young. It is real. I told my parents I would love him forever.
But I realize now that I gave my heart away too quickly. People can put on an act. Most don’t. But because some do, when you do research and find one lie….NO SECOND CHANCES. Dump them!
You loved the mask he had one. Back in the beginning, if he had said “Let me introduce myself. I want to be the guy who tries to rape you. I want to be the guy that you will spend money on. I want to be the guy you talk to, think about, long for. And in return, I will tell you lies. I will tell you I love you but I won’t mean it. I will keep trying to find more girlfriends. I will make you cry and cry as much as I can…..So what do you say, do you want to be my girlfriend????” You would have told him to forget it!
Instead he put on a mask. You fell in love with that mask. He hurt you, because like a scorpion, that is what he does. That is his nature. It really had nothing to do with how you acted, he was going to sting you no matter what, because he is a scorpion.
So think about that mask and what you like in a boy….and what kind of character and ethics you want in a boy, and don’t settle for less. Some guys are going to be very lucky over the years to enjoy your friendship and love. All breakups will hurt….but NOT like this one. This one hurts SO bad because you were BETRAYED.
In most cases, the longer you are with a boy, the more things you will find to like about him. Then, sometimes, you discover you need to part. Because he is REALLY into hunting, and you are not. Or he wants to travel all the time and you hate travel. Whatever. But you will cry a little for a couple of weeks and that will be it! You will both know you never meant to hurt each other, and you had LOTS of fun times, but now it is time to wish each other well and move on. You cry a little, but later you will smile at the memory of the good times. That is what a NORMAL relationship that falls apart feels like.
So know that with NICE guys, this kind of pain won’t come with love! It is the BETRAYAL of your love that hurts, but again, congratulations on making it clear that you would settle for being someone’s yoyo and rape victim!
I meant that you would NOT settle for being someone’s yoyo girl and rape victim!
This is mandy now leaving a comment just saying thanks for the comments so far, all those comments put a smile on my face. It’s really a great feeling to have support in a situation like this!
Dear mandy,
Glad you are here! This is a great place to learn about THEM but also a great place to learn about yourself.
It is common that other people when we share our story with them, do not believe (or validate) that it is so terrible. I imagine that being so young you get the DOUBLE “oh, get over it, it is just puppy love,” but it doesn’t matter WHAT age you are, 15 or 51 or 71, it HURTS and it is worse than a “normal break up”—but, the great thing is, that once you have had this experience (and LEARNED WHAT IT IS and what is causing it) you are so much less likely to ever be caught up in another relationship like this.
It was and is I am sure a painful lesson, but at the same time, the ones we remember the best are those that we learned “the hard way”—and I can speak from experience on that one!!! You are in good company if it makes you feel any better, there are some pretty smart cookies on this site and we have all been “fooled” so you are not alone, and you didn’t get fooled because you were stupid, you got fooled because you have a caring heart! (((hugs))))