Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a reader who we’ll call Mandy. Mandy is 15 years old and dated a sociopathic guy, who was two years older, for over a year. Notice how similar the sociopath’s behaviors are to what many of us adults experienced—an indication that this manipulative behavior is instinctual in sociopaths.
A person cannot be diagnosed a sociopath until the age of 18, but can start showing symptoms at a young age. He was 15 and I was only 13. We lived in two separate towns. We met on the computer off of an Internet website called Facebook and then started talking all the time on phone.
I was a perfect victim. I had no self-esteem when I was younger because of verbal abuse I had faced from classmates. I felt alone and just wanted to have a boyfriend by my side. We were constantly flirting on the phone, but I didn’t want this to be a cyber relationship. He seemed charming and sweet. Every time time I would ask him to hang out he would tell me that there was no one to drive him. His sister couldn’t and his mother would leave him home all day by himself and how alone he felt. So I had asked him, “What about your dad?” He said, “I never met my dad before.” It’s like he would make me feel guilty for asking him.
He started to say “I love you”
Weeks were going by, but the more time that passed, the more we were acting like a couple. He even started to say, “I love you.” I couldn’t handle this relationship because we never have even met! So when I finally decided to tell him we should end this, he told me he would kill himself and that he had written a suicide note. I couldn’t let go after he told me this. Promising me that he would he see me soon.
A few weeks later he started mentioning ex-girlfriend who he said he dated for three years. When I asked to speak to her, he gave me her screen name. I just wanted to speak to her to see if everything he told me added up. I ended up finding the ex-girlfriend on Facebook, which is when I found out from her that he was lying. He lied about never meeting his dad, and they didn’t date for three years, only two months, and that he made up a fake screen name. Also telling me he wanted her back. When the three of us were on the phone confronting him he said that he picked me over her and that he would never lie to me again.
$85 taxi ride
About a month later, with still not seeing each other, he told me to call his mother so we can see each other. When I had asked her she told me, “I don’t mean to be a bitch of a mother, but right now is not a good time. He needs to get his priorities straight.” From her finding out that we were talking, she quickly put a end to it by telling him to stop. But a couple of months later we started talking again. Sitting home sick on March 10th, he wanted me to come to his school to see him. I took a taxi, which cost me $85 for the whole trip with only my money. He was very nice, sweet, and funny and even introduced me to his friends. We finally met after four months, but I had to make the effort.
I started to notice that he was never going out with friends, and every time I would go out he would be mad because I wasn’t giving him attention. When I had asked him why he doesn’t really go out, he would tell me that because he used to be a bad kid his mom doesn’t allow him out very often because she cant trust him yet. Telling me that he changed and is trying to gain all of her trust back.
Yelling at me
So on a Friday night when I was going out, he had called me screaming to never call his number again. Telling me that I sent pictures to his friends. He kept yelling at me and screaming, how could I do such a thing? I kept telling him that I love him and that I didn’t do anything. As he heard me cry for hours to him; he wouldn’t stop yelling at me and told me to forget about him. I called back and said, “You know what? I know I didn’t do anything; just forget about it.” He said, “I love you I want to be with you,” like nothing even happened. I knew the story was all made up though. I didn’t want to let him go because I felt like he was the first real guy who actually liked me.
The next few weeks were fine, but now it was over five months, it started to come down to if this could actually work. The only way I can do this was if I received his mother’s approval of me. We started to argue about the whole thing because he wasn’t sure if he was going to go through with it. He said, “You would get a boyfriend and then leave me. You wouldn’t be able to say I love you anymore. Once you have a boyfriend, you would eventually stop calling me.”
Sexual acts
Basically from here to September, the new school year, all we were doing was deciding to be friends, to being friends with benefits to trying to be together. Just a repeating pattern from month to month. Until one night when I returned from babysitting he had asked me, how were the kids? Asking me if I ever thought about doing anything sexual with them. He tried to get me to share stories of sexual things I have done with the children. I thought he was joking, and tried to brush it off. Then he started to ask me to have sexual contact with family members and then my dog. I would ask him, “Why do you try to talk about these things?” His answer was, “I do this because I know you like it.” I found this disgusting and weird. This continued for months and he wouldn’t stop.
In January he came to my house; he actually made half of the effort this time with paying and getting in a taxi for me. We had to sneak to do this though. He wanted me to have sex with him, but I had told him no. He forced himself on top of me holding me down trying to get me to have it, but I kept screaming to stop and he finally let go. And you would think I wouldn’t want to be with him, but I was in denial because I didn’t want to be alone and believed that he loved me.
He had a new girlfriend
A month later I wrote a letter to his mother that I am a good person and telling her that I want to be with her son. She turned me down and basically two weeks later he had a new girlfriend and told me he just wants to be friends with me. We will never be together and all we were doing was fighting. Along the way, though, he made up lies after lies and manipulated me into believing that we could be together. He promised me for over a year that once he will be able to drive he could see me, but that never happened. He made promises to me that never happened.
It took me three long months to get myself out of depression about the question, did this really happen? I found myself crying every day and needed to go to a social worker in school. My dad knew some of the story, because along the way I told him bits and pieces. My dad warned me though. I got hurt.
Traits of a sociopath
He has all the traits of a sociopath, which my social worker thought too.
Glibness and Superficial Charm, Manipulative and Conning, Pathological Lying, Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt, Shallow Emotions. When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion, it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy. Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior, Infidelity, Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts
He showed all of that along the way. This went on for over a year. Now he has stopped talking me for good, but I still feel like he will come back. His new victim, or would you say girlfriend, is a new girl who was new to his town who just had moved on. Perfect target.
Broken heart
I had to sum the story up, but it was really more to that. There were a lot of tears and me crying over him for a year and a lot of fighting. I took a lot of verbal abuse from him. My life revolved around him, with me blowing off homework and studying to talk to him. Me trying to make the effort to be with him. I loved him and I put my everything into him because I convinced myself that he loved me.
It’s been seven months since he stopped talking to me, but I still think about him everyday. I am traumatized by him, and still have a broken heart. I did spend a lot of my money on him, but did it cause I believed the lies he told me, but he just used me to get to what he wanted. He wanted me to go along with his sick fantasies. He never cared about me, and never will.
response for.. . . ErinBrokovich. . .WOW it sounds like you have done everything within your power to try to srop this. Do the other parents or youth leaders know about these trouble makers? if so they should step in to stop these kids bc this is all happening within their community for all they know the same things happening to their son or daughter and they have no clue. Have like some type of meeting with the people in your town, WITH ONLY ADULTS and talk about the problems these kids are causing. Have evryone informed of the situation that way if they see it happening then they can recognize it and call you, the police, anyone to stop them. Soon afterthese punks figure out everyone knows about their bullying they can no longer hide anything with teachers, parents and the police watching them. they obviously need experienced adult figures in their lives for discipline and guidance, its a shame they have to receive this through trouble, but hopefully they can at least come to a logical conclusion. that they are outnumbered.
So i just read about how a p cant b changed, no one can help them. that is sad
Briannaco:
Yes, really sad…..especially since society is programmed to a benefit of doubt mindset and only dealing with issues it understands and makes sense…..if it doesn’t make sense…..ignore it…..laugh at those who cry out for help…..
I will liken it to UFO’s…..it’s so top secret, and the gvmt is involved….NOW….there is so evidence in society they exist, the general public has not witnessed UFO’s….so someone who does report seeing one is a freak to society….ummmm, yeah darling, did you take your meds today….kinda attitute.
(I don’t mean to start a UFO discussion, but I am likening that to dealing with an oddity in society)
We only understand what we are programmed to believe.
All people are good.
They didn’t mean that.
Trust others.
Parents wouldn’t harm their children
And so on……
This is not the case…..
The sooner we become familar with THEY WON”T CHANGE, the sooner we are able to heal and better equipped to protect ourselves.
This said……we will still encounter these types…..and sometimes be taken again…..there is no immunity pill…..but inherintly we want to trust. We have compassion and empathy and we want to help others…..this is the ‘crack’ in us evil slides through…..
We must remain vigilant!
In regards to my son…..I have met with the school police, the teachers, the army colonial on campus, the VP and principal and the youth ministry from 4 different youth groups. There are other adult members of the community involved aswell.
The problem is these kids play innocent and only attack when they think they are not being watched. the school installed cameras this year that cover every inch of hte school buildings. Last year, the kid would do it where he knew no cameras were. He even told the school police this…..”I know the cameras don’t work out there, so you can’t have me on tape”.
This peice of crap kid is a conniving, manipulater……
At this point I am personally going to put the pressure on HIS parents……
Think about this…..this kid, to this day gives me a ‘warm’ hug and say’s oh….Erin…..Hi…with the smile of innocence…..as he knows damn good and well he is involved with the S and what he does daily to my kids.
So it’s time for counter control……in the form of my ‘inner sociopath’.
I will also let the courts know that the seed the S planted and (threatend to harrass kids and how) stated through others….(police report on file) is occuring…..
I will tell this kid, maybe he should just continue…..because the more shit he causes….the more shit he causes for the S.
He thinks he is acting as the S’s alli……NOT SO! He will be the cause of the S’s arrest and future legal troubles, in addition to HIs own families…..
I have been dealing with this for seveal years….I have tried all angles I can think of thus far…the only one left is going directly to the parents/kid and then the courts….
I just want the peace…..and this part of the journey is so ridiculous and stupid….BUT must be dealth with!
Thanks for your posts…..I think you are a wonderfully refreshing and wise young lady!
You have a ‘leg up’ on the rest of your peers……
XXOO
The spiritual con.. I am so good and I love you so much.. so take on all my burdens.. and don’t want anything for yourself.. keep your mind on me and God, while I take over your world.. tell you when to say ’you’re welcome’ and even though you have assets and I don’t, I will give you everything when my ship comes in and I make a lot of money.
A handsome, educated, Argentine born man came into my life from a dating site, in a whirlwind, professing his attraction to me and that we are soulmates. That he has been looking for me all his life. That he had known me in a past life somewhere in the Orient and that all the women in his life before me were only steps to get to me.
He kept me on the phone for hours. I would tell him that I was tired and needed to get to sleep, but he would keep on talking. He texted me and called me many times a day. It was irritating, but the attention was also nice. One reason that I let this occur is because I was moving into a new house and this is where my focus was. In fact, on the third date, I kept thinking, ‘Why doesn’t he go home?” But he was so helpful that I let it pass.
He is 6’1”. Physically fit and with balding gray hair and a nice smile. He has manners and is well-traveled and it was nice to meet a man that was spiritual and who had studied these things and had a depth to him. I had been told by an astrologer that I would meet a man soon that I could possibly spend my life with and he would have Sagittarius in his chart and this man’s ascendant was Sagittarius. So, I thought this might be him.
He traveled in his job and was home on the weekends. We begin talking on the phone like a date each night. He began to take over my life.
I met his mother on Christmas day which would be our fourth date. She lived with him in a large, sparsely furnished rental house an hour drive from me. She was very ill and lived in the downstairs master bedroom. She had grown up in Argentina, was charming and I enjoyed her conversation and stories and she immediately liked me. Which the man told me had never happened before.
We spent most the time at my new house. He began referring to my house as ‘our’ house which gave me the creeps, and I called him on this. He responded by saying ‘what is yours is mine and what is mine is yours. The deal is, I found out is that I have assets and he has absolutely nothing.
He hung artwork for me, shopped with me. I paid for what we bought, but he put it together. And he always paid when we went out to dinner or to movies, etc.. He was mannerly, talked about spiritual things, that he was a yoga master and how meditation was so important to him. He had an altar in his house. I found this interesting, but a bit obsessed. I am also spiritual, but not obsessed with it. He read spiritual books all the time. Books are important to him and showing how intelligent that he is also important to him. He studies all the time and likes to impress with large words, etc. Which, at first, I found interesting.
He pursued me heavy for two weeks, took me to the Nutcracker Ballet when I mentioned it. I am a former ballet dancer. He made advances for sex, but I wasn’t that interested. I didn’t like his touch or his kisses. He felt needy and a bit strange.
But on NYE, we had a bit of champagne and I felt sexy and we began to make love, but then he didn’t follow through on it.. I felt rejected and strange. Here he is professing how much he loves and cares for me and that we are soulmates and when I am ready to have sex, he doesn’t.
We talk about this and he said that it was just the liquor. But I felt that it was more, something felt off with this man from the very beginning, but for some reason, I let it continue. Later he told me that he couldn’t make love to me that night because he didn’t want that on our first time, I had been drinking. Another time, it was because, he sensed one of my ex’s in the room. You see this man claims that he sees into the other side and can sense things and that God once came up behind him and told him things. I don’t discount anyone’s beliefs and experiences, but this man used this to make me think that he knows better than I did for myself.
He was handsome, kind, overly helpful, and we created a marriage like relationship before even having sex. In fact, anytime, I initiated sex, it didn’t happen. I was with this man over a year and we had sex twice, if that.
He stays at my house from this point on. Since he lives about an hour from me, it was easier for him to stay with me. He put me before his mother. He would come to my house from the airport.
So, he left his very ill mother alone in this large almost empty house all week while he was working and now also on the weekends except for the few hours that we visited her and bought her groceries.
One day, while I was working out, he called his mother and could not get her and he drove to find that in the middle of the night that she had been taken to the hospital.
He asked me to marry him in the first three weeks.
This is his history – Four marriages as relayed by him.
One in college, they divorce. All he says is that they no longer had things in common”
Then he married a pedophile (he didn’t know that she was, but he did see her french kiss her three year old son to which he told her that this was incorrect and has far as he knew, she never did this again) that marriage produced two children. The boy died of a brain tumor, and this woman molested them both. She was an alcoholic and was violent, came after him with a knife. The son she had before they married when he grew up died of an overdose.
Next marriage to a nurse the produced, two children, again, one with a brain tumor, the child lives. He says that she is not sophisticated, and that she is intimidated by him. She has an affair with a policeman and leaves him. She had a child before him that has some sort of brain damage. He stills considers that child a part of his family and that kid calls him several times daily. He is in his twenties.
Next marriage, married her in a month, moves her to Texas, she, according to him goes crazy and is violent. He told me that she didn’t have money but had ’credit’. When I heard this, I though what a strange thing to say. She dies of a drug overdose in the house.
Hearing all this, at firs,t made me feel sorry for him…
He is 57, no money, works all the time and pays child support. He drives his mother’s Toyota. He travels all the time doing consulting work.
When I meet him, he’s sleeping in a child’s bed with an altar in the room. He claims to be a spiritual person that leans towards Buddhism because of some guy he met when he was working as a busboy as a teenager. He comes after me fast. Too fast, tells me he loves me, keeps me on the phone talking to all hours. He gives me this spiritual book that he wants us to work through together. Tells me he wants me to be a role model to his daughter. That he knew me in a past life in some Oriental country. That he was a King and I was his Queen. He talks constantly. I get worn out being on the phone all this time and want off.
His mother gets severely ill. I help take care of her I go to hospitals and nursing homes. I am busy moving into my townhouse and happy. I want to focus on my new townhouse not this dying woman. Although, I like her, I get exhausted with the stress in his life and am not having much fun, but he is a help with things around the townhouse. So, I continue in the relationship. I have no interest in him sexually. In fact, his touch gives me the creeps. It is too needy, too desperate, clumsy and rough.
I help him clean up his disgusting house and have a garage sale. His garage is full of junk even rats. His mother dies. He moves into my new townhouse and I find out that he was about to be evicted from the house that he was renting and he owes them back rent of three months.
He reads spiritual books all the time and mediates, preaches and prays. He acts like he is my teacher and I wonder, when did I sign up for this class? He refers to my townhouse as ’ours’.. He offends me on all levels.
He is handsome, but I have no sexual attraction to him at all. I am just going through the motions to see where this is going. He talks about his big business deals that are going to happen and that we might move to Jamaica. Nothing happens. They all fall through.
He asks me to marry him.. I get a ring.. it’s a fake diamond. I have never worn fake before and I wonder, why am I doing so now? He continues to help me put my place together. It is fun having someone to do things with, but he is pushy, pushy, pushy. I tell him that we need to slow down. He professes his love continually, calls and texts me continually. It gets to where I dread the phone.
His daughter and her husband visit. She tells me that her mother molested her. Then that night I tell her that I am not interested in being around the son of his ex and another man and she explodes and rants and raves”causing a scene in a restaurant where I have eaten for years. I am embarrassed at her behavior.
This creates a huge issue.. And all I can think is that I don’t want to be around this girl and her husband ever again. I feel like I am in something sick and twisted, but I can’t quite see clearly yet.
It is nice when he comes home on weekends. He brings flowers and chocolate and smiles so big.. but by the end of the weekend I am so happy for him to leave. I get tired of cooking and planning where to go. I need a man to take care of me and I am sick of taking care of this man. I need romance and sex. I feel like I am married to a man who lives in my house, and I take care of myself and we have no sex and I have to listen to his lectures. He thinks that he is the authority on everything.
He stands on his head with his butt in the air and walks around naked. He meditates and his eyes roll back in his head. It appears sinister to me. His voice tone sounds like it has the devil in it when he yells. He prays before every meal like some church child.
I slug him on the arm in an argument and he calls me violent. I have never in my life been called violent. I cuss and he says that I have a foul mouth. He says ’thank you’ when I do his laundry and he rants when I immediately don’t respond ’you’re welcome.’ This man is the rude one, but he calls me rude. He offers me nothing” no security, no sex, no money, no trips.. just a husband/wife kind of a relationship that is becoming more and more boring. While I am living in my house and I take care of all my own needs.
He sings hymns in his car continually.. Telling me that he wants to keep his mind on God.
I begin to see and think that this man is a freak. I feel unsettled when I am around him. My stomach hurts. I feel continually criticized, yet he calls me beautiful. I don’t feel beautiful or loved. I pray for God to protect me.
Then one Friday he is on his way here and I am dreading his arrival. I am even hoping that the plane with crash. I am tired, tired of planning what we will do on the weekend. Tired of being the man in this relationship. Tired of him living with me and bossing me around. When he walks in, he tells me that he is moving to Florida.
I feel shocked even though I want him to go. It amazes me how he made his plans behind my back and how cold he appears. He stays in a hotel that night and I pull all his stuff out and put in it in the garage. I am glad that he is going, but sad also. I feel really screwed over by this man. He enters my life with all this love, plans and promising and delivers nothing. I just had a man around to do things with and to talk to.. even though he irritates me most of the time. He is like a male companion and nothing more.
I am realizing that he sees that he can’t con me like he wants so he moves on…
After he leaves and we talk on the phone all the time.. He moves in with an old friend of his mothers. He has no furniture. And while he rents an apt. He lives with them most the time. He sees his children and becomes reattached to them after not seeing them for an entire year. Everything about his life seems unsettled and on the edge.
He always says that he wants to focus his life on meditation. Yet he spends a lot of time talking about money.
I don’t trust him and his motives. I don’t feel loved, although, he tells me that he loves me all the time. Something is really off with man.
When he visits, it is good to see him, but I am always glad when he leaves. His big business deals look promising and then they don’t happen. This has been going on ever since I met him. And he tells me that one of his ‘partners’ was the financial director of the CIA.. I get this man’s name and check it out and his name is not listed as a former director of the CIA. And he wires money to these ‘big business’ contacts, like for 100 bucks… while they talk on the phone about making millions.. it is all so off and stupid.
He becomes more verbally abusive. He tells me I am rude. He is plain no fun”It is like I am with some mean, evil preacher.
I need a man where I have a sexual connection. A man who has money and income to give to me. A man who has grown children, instead of this child based, trauma based, income challenged man. This man is everything that I do not want .. so why was I with him?
He appears a phony, a con, a manipulator..
Why did I let him into my life? I felt suspicious from the beginning. It was too much, too fast. It had no structure in reality. It was based on him, his life, his needs, his agenda, his timeframe, his everything and his daughter is an emotional mess and appears to control his life and be like a wife-mother”
He attached to me backwards.. He sees me as this past life dream and he didn’t take the time to get to know me.. The relationship was a fraud. Just like he is. His life, moods, love, place that he lives, and everything else changes on a dime.
It is all BS!
I ended it. It is over. I feel lost and alone, ashamed and wonder why I let this man into my life. I wore an engagement ring and I was never really in love nor did I have sex. I got flowers once a week, every Friday when he came home.. but I was a wife with no benefits.
And he now, claims that it was me that wanted marriage..not him… LOL…
This man is on the Internet looking for his next mark.. He is on spiritual sites and he is attractive.. but if you make contract with him,run!! He is broke and is behind on child support and he is looking for someone to take care of him.
While he was living with me.. he tried to get more credit cards and was declined. I paid for something for his mother and he paid me back but said that it would be easier if I gave him my bank info so that, he could just put the money in my account. I didn’t give him this info. I never really trusted him. I was waiting to see and it only got worse.
He has am impressive resume.. He was on the board of the Bank of Tampa. His mother died five months after I met him. I did more for her than he did. And perhaps, that was why I met him, to assist this woman, which I do not regret.. but I was being sucked into something not good for me and to benefit him. And has I not been aware, cautious and looking, I could have really been messed over.
His last wife died and he married her in a month and he met her on the Internet on a ‘spiritual dating site.. I never forgot this..
This man now lives in the Tampa area. He is charming and that is about it. He is phoney. He hides behind a spiritual veil, and talks about his big business deals about to happen. That never do and he will make you feel sorry for him and will suck you in with his kindness and being helpful then you will wake up sucked into his dysfunctional family and what was first so right about you will be wrong.
has anyone had experience with a sociopath—who refused to be around them but was controlling them long distance….i dealt with someone who wont eb with me but is torturing controling me mentally screwing wtih me daily, had me hooked on another level, desperate to be with him b/c he never saw me adn just tormented me….in extreme and twisted ways like a ‘dom/sub’ slave horror situation….im jealous of the people who say they ‘walked out on their S/N/P’ i could never walk out b/c i got degraded/rejected the entire time….and there was nothing to leave….no relationship….he used me as a toy/puppet….long distance controlling my life extremely….controlling my emotions me in any way possible….very sadistic too….
Angela, sounds like a cyber stalker. Thank God you didn’t get any closer. Just sign out on that dude.
don’t be jealous of 25 years down the drain, my bank account emptied, I was poisoned and sick and unable to work for 20 years, no sex for 15 years. My life, money, health and youth stripped from me. DON’T BE JEALOUS.
style1, I just read your post from Oct 23rd, wow, I am so glad he was not able to con you, that you protected yourself and listened to your instincts, you are such a good writer, fascinating, I felt like I was looking at him through a magnifying glass… but I am sorry you were hurt, he sounds so evil.
I’m new to LoveBlog – although I’ve subscribed for a few years (been with him for 5) and have read much of the content that came thru my email. I think I always new there was a problem with him, but could I really call it being a sociopath?
He was the first to say I love you. Met him online- he was married – i didn’t want anything to do with that but was charmed by him, feeling the need to help him “take control, be happy – life is short” He told me he loved me with the first month. I was shocked, but charmed. He left her within a year. Moved into his own place and had custody of his two boys.
Stayed with him for 5 years. Recently broke it off with him (for the 100th time) but plan on staying strong this time. Hoping to. No contact is the key I think as he no longer has my number so I’m in the driver’s seat now. Feels good. Or does it?
But as I sit here typing this I wonder was it really ME? and what HAPPENED? 5 years. I loved him and will love him forever. He never took any money from me – he helped me. Well, to the point of it being only “good enough” for the most part. I got the smallest piece of the pie. … But he loved my kids too. These are not signs of a sociopath right? ? ?
But then there was the other side of him too. The person that cheated on me many times in the first two years of our relationship {but i’m different now, i love you, i’m not that man anymore} The first time I will never forget – we were having issues because of a personal thing, and he declared his love for me so much that he wanted to go to counseling. The next morning, full of love, i left very early to drive the 50 miles to see him – only to find another woman in his bed with him. I punched him in the nose – something i have never done to someone – but the pain of seeing his cold uncaring face just brought it out. I felt horrible, but somehow justified. That’s not me, I thought. What is happening?
But over and over I caught him in lies – for all the years to follow the initial cheating. There were signs everywhere, internet sites for dating and sex were shown to be visited on his computer {but it was my teenage son not me} then why not get a profile for yourself for the computer to PROVE it’s not you? never happened.
Then all the sex phone calls – soooooo many of them. {we were broke up or having trouble} i hear him say. This is true – but when it’s already a huge sore spot in my heart to even KNOW that you have called sex lines {only to talk to people I was lonely} he says to me in my head again – WHY? You loved me. You said you didn’t do that anymore. You even gave me your phone bill to prove it.
But what did I find? In one month just recently there were 23 mysterious phone calls made to numbers that are now ALL disconnected. All the same number 734-444-2xxx just the last three digits are different. 23 phone calls in one month – most from 20 min long to 45. But he didn’t make the calls and has no idea {lets call the phone company and ask them – he says – and he supposedly does, only to tell me they have no idea and can’t give him ANY information – again his son must have done it} hmmm strange. Well OK lets see what happens NEXT month on next months bill.
a few days before the bill arrives we are arguing about god knows what – I’m going down there on a sat. night to visit him (he is 50 miles from me) on the way down i start getting texts from his friends phone (his died and it truly had) messages saying “he’s done with you” “don’t come down here” “he won’t come home if you are there” WTH? but the girl who is sending me the messages has no idea who was sending them, but it surely was not her – and i feel he fails to stick up for me – still befriending them, saying it was not them. Well WHO was it then? ??? never found that one out.
So anyway after that happens I’m ready to read the next bill…..what? no access? no bill? {well we broke up and I was mad so I canceled it} hmmm ok yes we were broke up/fighting as usual but you KNEW i was waiting to see it to COMPARE it to the last bill with all those wierd numbers on it. Damn, now I have to wait till next month (to decide if he is still lying or not)
OK next bill comes, he still is telling me he is changed and doesnt call livelinks, redhotdateline, vibeline or whatever other numbers he calls {just to talk } I get the bill – first checking for those wierd 734 numbers – still tons of them, all long periods of time, all now disconnected. ???? what is this? {must be a scam from someone at the phone company calling these numbers and putting them on my bill he says} huh? possible? maybe- I try to believe him, want to believe him. But he still tells me, he is changed now and was willing and did whatever was in his power to prove he wanted to get to the bottom of it all too, so he said anyway.
I let it go for a few days. Sitting in limbo stay/go/stay/go. I love him. I’ve been with him 5 years. We were looking at rings, picked one out a year ago – but when he had the extra money he bought a new boat instead. {for US babe. something to do as a FAMILY} yes, you are right how could I be so selfish to want a ring after all these years to show your commitment and love for me. How SELFISH I was!
A few days later – back to investigating the bill. I’ve spent many hours, days, month investigating his behavior. Finding fling.com sex sites that he joined – it showed up on his email account which he ALSO freely gave me access too. {but babe it wasn’t ME it must have been my son, or that DAMN site just joined me as a member without my knowledge!!} he proceeds to write them a nasty email, sure to forward it also to me, about how can they do this ? join him without his knowledge? he lost a great woman because of it! take me off! he demands to the fling.com people. They delete his account, thanking him for joining….for JOINING?
so the investigation continues. I’ve become quite good at it – seeing the signs and red flags. Sad that I spend time doing things as this, instead of something for me, instead of being happy and content…. What????? What is that? I call the numbers. SEX LINES Blatently THERE ON THE PHONE BILL – not just the 734 numbers BUT SEX LINES AGAIN the same ones as before???? I call him WTF? i say – you said you didn’t do this anymore??? {but babe we were broke up} UG yes, we were but we also were still seeing each other, still talking every day, still sleeping together. Because I was waiting – waiting for the next bill to prove that he was true. That he could be trusted.
I asked him – why did you call those numbers knowing the chance was there I would see them? {we were broke up. I was lonely. I forgot I even called them. It means nothing to me} frustrated, broken, bruised and sad – i change my phone number. I try and let go. He emails me how much he loves me, how it’s “me and you kid forever”, how much he misses me and the kids – how much he has changed. Changed? it was just three weeks ago that you called those numbers AGAIN. Which also btw would lead me to believe that those OTHER strange 734 numbers were ALSO sex lines – but ones that could not be tracked or something – maybe escorts even. But when I told him that he just said he had no idea. Maybe he got better over the years for covering his tracks. But why so blatentlys call more sexlines when you KNOW I’m gonna look. You PAID extra so I COULD look – to prove your innocence. Felt like a huge slap in the face to me. but again, somehow it was MY fault, because i broke up with him, because i didn’t trust him – gee do I see a pattern here?
So it’s only been a week or two. I have seen him once or twice and talked to him. I’m trying to break free. I’m doing MUCH better really – than I used to be. Every day that I don’t talk to him makes it {a little} easier. But then comes that point that I question myself…
“am I the one who is crazy” “did I jump to inconclusive conclusions???” Am I over-reacting……is this sociopathic behavoir? any comments would be so appreciated – i need to keep focus and it’s so easy to lose focus when you are alone and know nothing else but this behavoir for the last 5 years.
P.S. He is an alcoholic. or was. That’s something he says he has changed as well, because I brought lite to the problem. If he is so CHANGED then why don’t I feel any change?
Countrygirl1967,
For now it doesn’t really matter what you call it…If he is a sociopath or not. He is TOXIC for you, and that is more than enough reason to have no contact with him.
Once you are away from him for awile you will feel the fog lift a bit and you will really see more clearly how his ACTIONS were what was real. And not his lies.
NO you didn’t jump to conclusions. No you are not the one who is crazy. This is what he has created by lying all the time.
When someone lies to you on a regular basis and causes you to doubt your own reality, and what you know to be true…That is why you have to put a distance between him and yourself. So you can become CLEAR, and not under the illusions he creates.
The most important thing that you can do for yourself right now is TRUST yourself. DON’T question yourself. You know the phone company didn’t mess up the phone bill. He messed up. Look at his his actions. Not what he says.
When we talk of N/C on this site though it means NO contact. No text, no email, no phone calls, no conversations, no checking on myspace/facebook ect. The reason for that is because they have the ability to draw you RIGHT back in with their storys, or pity ploys, or, lies.
Read some of the articles here….Some will make sense to you for where you are at right now and some will not. But they will later.
Countrygirl….
Welcome to LF’s “frontlline” — as you say youve been visiting the site for a few years or receiving and reading the articles via Emails sent to you.
You have MANY red flags before you. Not just one. Your instincts are right on — intuitive and instinctive. You are not crazy, but are caught up in all the crazy making ways of a dysfunctional relationship. Sociopathic or not — he isnt and hasnt been treating you right. period. the end.
He has problems that you cannot fix or change. What are you getting out of a one-way relationship? Other than filling your time as a private investigator. Giving 100 percent and him taking 100 percent.
You can love him and he can say he “loves” you – but his actions clearly dont show you respect, trust, truth, goodness or consistency.
He would love you to jump on the self-doubt wagon. and have you second guessing and questioning yourself and getting all confused …THATS WHAT THEY DO TO HOOK AND LURE YOU BACK.
You have written the facts here. Reread your letter as if your daughter or your sister or your friend is writing it to you. WHAT WOULD YOU TELL HER? Would you tell her to stay in this dysfunctional situation?
You didnt need to wait ANOTHER month for a phone bill to come in. you were right on the money the first time…but we have this sense of hope…we hold on…we WANT TO TRUST, WE WANT TO BELIEVE…because we would never do this to somebody we love…so how could somebody else do it to us and still proclaim their love to us?
Because they are not well. They are not healthy. They are not capable of giving us the kind of relationship/partnership we seek. They are just incredibly good at being charming, deceitful, manipulative and convincing.
In order to keep focus.
1. Decide what you want for yourself.
2. Believe in yourself. He is the lie (his life, his ways, his responses) They all are lies. Its nothing against you — so dont take it personally – its his way/choice of life. He will not change, but if you want to settle and deny and pretend then he will be there for you. But remember you do have a choice.
3. You havent really been in a good healthy relationship with him for a while. you have been detective and he has been the guy on the run – dodging your findings, not owning up to the truth or doing so in a way where he can put the blame on you because you had broken up.
4. Keep posting here and sharing and asking questions. You deserve better. I can tell you know this – thats a good thing!
Its very hard to love someone so much, and realize its not a healthy relationship, and that you are being treated less than you deserve and have to try to find ways to rationalize staying in it. sometimes love isnt enough to warrant staying for emotional abuse/physical abuse. There are other better ” behaviors “good decent people exhibit in the world outside of HIM — it may be all youve known for past five years – but it isnt what you have to choose to continue to be exposed to for the next 5 years…
You arent over-reacting.. You are just reacting to your spirit and soul knowing something is terribly wrong in your relationship with him. You cant fix it… but you can end it when youre ready!