Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a reader who we’ll call Mandy. Mandy is 15 years old and dated a sociopathic guy, who was two years older, for over a year. Notice how similar the sociopath’s behaviors are to what many of us adults experienced—an indication that this manipulative behavior is instinctual in sociopaths.
A person cannot be diagnosed a sociopath until the age of 18, but can start showing symptoms at a young age. He was 15 and I was only 13. We lived in two separate towns. We met on the computer off of an Internet website called Facebook and then started talking all the time on phone.
I was a perfect victim. I had no self-esteem when I was younger because of verbal abuse I had faced from classmates. I felt alone and just wanted to have a boyfriend by my side. We were constantly flirting on the phone, but I didn’t want this to be a cyber relationship. He seemed charming and sweet. Every time time I would ask him to hang out he would tell me that there was no one to drive him. His sister couldn’t and his mother would leave him home all day by himself and how alone he felt. So I had asked him, “What about your dad?” He said, “I never met my dad before.” It’s like he would make me feel guilty for asking him.
He started to say “I love you”
Weeks were going by, but the more time that passed, the more we were acting like a couple. He even started to say, “I love you.” I couldn’t handle this relationship because we never have even met! So when I finally decided to tell him we should end this, he told me he would kill himself and that he had written a suicide note. I couldn’t let go after he told me this. Promising me that he would he see me soon.
A few weeks later he started mentioning ex-girlfriend who he said he dated for three years. When I asked to speak to her, he gave me her screen name. I just wanted to speak to her to see if everything he told me added up. I ended up finding the ex-girlfriend on Facebook, which is when I found out from her that he was lying. He lied about never meeting his dad, and they didn’t date for three years, only two months, and that he made up a fake screen name. Also telling me he wanted her back. When the three of us were on the phone confronting him he said that he picked me over her and that he would never lie to me again.
$85 taxi ride
About a month later, with still not seeing each other, he told me to call his mother so we can see each other. When I had asked her she told me, “I don’t mean to be a bitch of a mother, but right now is not a good time. He needs to get his priorities straight.” From her finding out that we were talking, she quickly put a end to it by telling him to stop. But a couple of months later we started talking again. Sitting home sick on March 10th, he wanted me to come to his school to see him. I took a taxi, which cost me $85 for the whole trip with only my money. He was very nice, sweet, and funny and even introduced me to his friends. We finally met after four months, but I had to make the effort.
I started to notice that he was never going out with friends, and every time I would go out he would be mad because I wasn’t giving him attention. When I had asked him why he doesn’t really go out, he would tell me that because he used to be a bad kid his mom doesn’t allow him out very often because she cant trust him yet. Telling me that he changed and is trying to gain all of her trust back.
Yelling at me
So on a Friday night when I was going out, he had called me screaming to never call his number again. Telling me that I sent pictures to his friends. He kept yelling at me and screaming, how could I do such a thing? I kept telling him that I love him and that I didn’t do anything. As he heard me cry for hours to him; he wouldn’t stop yelling at me and told me to forget about him. I called back and said, “You know what? I know I didn’t do anything; just forget about it.” He said, “I love you I want to be with you,” like nothing even happened. I knew the story was all made up though. I didn’t want to let him go because I felt like he was the first real guy who actually liked me.
The next few weeks were fine, but now it was over five months, it started to come down to if this could actually work. The only way I can do this was if I received his mother’s approval of me. We started to argue about the whole thing because he wasn’t sure if he was going to go through with it. He said, “You would get a boyfriend and then leave me. You wouldn’t be able to say I love you anymore. Once you have a boyfriend, you would eventually stop calling me.”
Sexual acts
Basically from here to September, the new school year, all we were doing was deciding to be friends, to being friends with benefits to trying to be together. Just a repeating pattern from month to month. Until one night when I returned from babysitting he had asked me, how were the kids? Asking me if I ever thought about doing anything sexual with them. He tried to get me to share stories of sexual things I have done with the children. I thought he was joking, and tried to brush it off. Then he started to ask me to have sexual contact with family members and then my dog. I would ask him, “Why do you try to talk about these things?” His answer was, “I do this because I know you like it.” I found this disgusting and weird. This continued for months and he wouldn’t stop.
In January he came to my house; he actually made half of the effort this time with paying and getting in a taxi for me. We had to sneak to do this though. He wanted me to have sex with him, but I had told him no. He forced himself on top of me holding me down trying to get me to have it, but I kept screaming to stop and he finally let go. And you would think I wouldn’t want to be with him, but I was in denial because I didn’t want to be alone and believed that he loved me.
He had a new girlfriend
A month later I wrote a letter to his mother that I am a good person and telling her that I want to be with her son. She turned me down and basically two weeks later he had a new girlfriend and told me he just wants to be friends with me. We will never be together and all we were doing was fighting. Along the way, though, he made up lies after lies and manipulated me into believing that we could be together. He promised me for over a year that once he will be able to drive he could see me, but that never happened. He made promises to me that never happened.
It took me three long months to get myself out of depression about the question, did this really happen? I found myself crying every day and needed to go to a social worker in school. My dad knew some of the story, because along the way I told him bits and pieces. My dad warned me though. I got hurt.
Traits of a sociopath
He has all the traits of a sociopath, which my social worker thought too.
Glibness and Superficial Charm, Manipulative and Conning, Pathological Lying, Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt, Shallow Emotions. When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion, it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy. Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior, Infidelity, Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts
He showed all of that along the way. This went on for over a year. Now he has stopped talking me for good, but I still feel like he will come back. His new victim, or would you say girlfriend, is a new girl who was new to his town who just had moved on. Perfect target.
Broken heart
I had to sum the story up, but it was really more to that. There were a lot of tears and me crying over him for a year and a lot of fighting. I took a lot of verbal abuse from him. My life revolved around him, with me blowing off homework and studying to talk to him. Me trying to make the effort to be with him. I loved him and I put my everything into him because I convinced myself that he loved me.
It’s been seven months since he stopped talking to me, but I still think about him everyday. I am traumatized by him, and still have a broken heart. I did spend a lot of my money on him, but did it cause I believed the lies he told me, but he just used me to get to what he wanted. He wanted me to go along with his sick fantasies. He never cared about me, and never will.
But your right i never want to waste another moment on him, and with the media you are deffinatly right on how they persuade people to do things or want. I try not to follow that, and I like to have morals stick with that.
Sex is not Love!
anf06:
“I remember when he had a new girl right after we ended I remember being on the phone so angry saying how can you have another girl right after me (like a day after) I love you..”
Yes. That is classic S. That’s how they roll.
It’s unconscionable to us, because we have a conscience.
But, not to them, because they are lacking one.
Yea cause it felt like a slap in the face to me, the thing that traumatized me the most was when he would tell me how he would do sexual things with his own kids one day…thats just disgusting. i mean you wouldnt believe that if it someone told you, but its true.
You are so wise and lucky to have gotten away from him!!!!!!!!!!!
YUCKO! They say things and we think surely they must be kidding or just trying to shock us. But no. They mean those sick things, they LIKE to shock, they LIKE to hurt…..it is so hard to get our brains around that.
They are evil. Sometimes evil with just a enough goodness wrapped around it to make you fall for them….but soon you find out. EVIL.
Dear Mandy,
Therea re people who WILL NOT BELIEVE the things you say about him, what he said, what he did, but YOU CAN BET YOUR LIFE YOU WILL BE BELIEVED WHEN YOU SAY THEM HERE—we have been there, seen and felt the EVIL, and yep, I don’t doubt it a bit.
One of the things that many of us have seen is that the psychopath will TELL you bad things about themselves IF WE LISTEN, but many times we don’t believe them, or we make excuses for what they say, “Oh, they dont’ REALLY mean that” OH, YES THEY DO!!!!
They frequently give CLUES to what they really are. We call it “letting the MASK slip”—it is if they wear a mask pretending to be what we want them to be, but every once in a while the mask will slip and WE WILL SEE OR HEAR the truth about them.
WE MUST BELIEVE it when we see or hear that.
We believe you, but some of your friends may not, and even some adults and therapists may not believe, because they have not experienced the real venom of the psychopath, and they WANT to believe that “down inside all people is good” and that is NOT the truth, NOT ALL people are good, some are EVIL. And not all evil people look like “satan”—some of them are very good looking and smooth talking.
When you feel something is not right with someone, don’t make excuses for them, BELIEVE THEM when they show you who and what they are!
Regarding gifts, cards, etc., my older daughter has never once given me a nice gift. usually, she used to give me freebies, usually books, as she worked in Publishing. Some of the books even had “not for re-sale’ or ‘remaindered copy ” written on them! Last Xmas, David got a book about crocodiles,{very old fashioned book with small print,} and I go one about Koalas,{same tiny print}. I gave them both away. Or I get a really cheap and nasty foot lotion set, which I never use.She has never ,ever, sent me cards for my birthday or Mothers day, and has never, in 26 years, even brought us a cake or a packet of biscuits. She actually rang me on my 70 th birthday this year and said”I saw these flowers, they were $60,- but I couldnt afford them so I didnt get them.” Her dad used to do exactly the same to her!I think they are just plain mean. geminigirlXX
Ps My ex once bought me this lovely dress, it was in this shop window, I liked it, and we went in, I tried it on, it fitted, so he bought it for me.{great fanfare, “No expense spared for you darling! “}The next day, I was so worried that the cheque would bounce,{as most of his cash went on booze or gambling] that I rang the shop to see if they had cashed the cheque yet. They hadnt, so i got the train all the way there,{it was a long way}, handed over the dress ,still in its box, and tissue, she gave me the cheque , I tore it up, and went home feeling very relieved. I would have got no pleasure from wearing that dress.Gem.
oh good! we dont need that to buy our love….. I just dont get it i mean my s/p has been with his new girl for almost 6 months i mean i heard they fight alot but i cant believe he still has her.
Mandy, he practiced on you. He will only get better and better at being a P as he gets older. You really need to get the books I recommended and when you are done, you should pass them to other girls to read. The only way to defeat the P’s is if people KNOW ABOUT THEM. No one will believe YOU, but if they read it in a book they will believe.
When everybody knows how they operate, they will run out of suckers to suck on. Do your part to get the word out.
Thats one thing i want to do is help others and to let other people know thats what were all here for.