LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I feel stupid that I was blind

Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Roger.”

I am writing this from Tokyo, Japan and would like to tell you about my experience with a person that “conned” me.

Last year I experienced having a very short relationship with a lady that fits the description of being a sociopath: has no heart, no conscience and no remorse. In addition, now I know that she thought nothing of lying, cheating and stealing my money!

I met this lady, who is a full-time lecturer at a university here in Tokyo (as am I) at a dinner party in June last year. It was arranged by a person whom I know (and trusted) and his wife, and they were trying play “Cupid.” He, too, is a professor at a university here in Tokyo.

They knew that I had just experienced a terrible six months: the death of my father, the break-up of a six year relationship, the earthquake here in Japan, and that I was going through a very low patch in my life. Also, that she was single.

First request for money

After a month of dating, I received a call from her in a hysterical state that the local government had gone into her account and taken taxes that she owed (This has actually happened to friends of mine, so I had no reason to doubt it!) and this was money that she had promised her family.

With all her academic credentials, I thought I could trust her and I would do the right thing as a friend and offer her a short-term loan to help her family.

Well she agreed to accept my offer, however, this is where the first “red flag” came up, but I chose to ignore it! She asked for the loan in cash, as she stated it would be easier to transfer the money into her overseas bank account.

Now when I look back at the whole situation, I feel “stupid” and that I was “blind,” as I was looking for something that definitely was not there—a balanced relationship.

Trusting her and being in the middle of moving house, I did not think of asking her for an I.O.U, due to so much was going on in my life at the time. My mind was “all over the place.” I still do now know why I did not hand write one and get her to sign it.

Then for the next several weeks after this, when we met, there were several angry and hysterical scenes on her behalf and it got to a point that I had to say that we should just be friends. I could not tolerate her actions; she knew that I was exhausted and had no energy to argue back.

Here is where I should have completely cut off all contact with her, however, the amount that I lent her was too much to walk away from, so I tried to be friends with her.

Second request for money

Then after several weeks she informed me that she had work problems and health problems and did not have money to cover her medical and study commitments; she now asked for a loan and stated that she would repay all the amount owing in the following months.

When we next met, I asked her to give me an I.O.U., and she went into this trust episode and I thought that it would be disrespectful of me to create a public scene. My stupidity again!

We came to agreement that she would start repaying the amount back as soon as possible, and that she had a few other things to sort out.

Luckily, the second loan I made was via a bank transfer, so it has been documented.

As I did not hear from her for several weeks, I approached her and asked her to start repaying me, so that we can go our separate ways.

Denied the loans

This is when the “fun” began! She totally denied that any money had been loaned to her. She said she owed me nothing and that everything was finished, and that I should go on with my life and stop harassing her. She actually went to the police and filed a formal harassment complaint. The police have called me several times.

I am now in legal proceedings against her, and she is saying the first loan never happened and that the second loan was me repaying a loan that I had with her. Also, that I bought stamps from her (I have no idea where that came from) and that all the “crisis happenings” above never happened! She had never had any tax problems, health, work or family issues.

This is where I should have kept her e-mails (in my anger I deleted all her emails, however, luckily I kept the ones that I sent her). Now that we are in court, she has produced photocopied SMS dialogue that I can only assumed were Photoshopped, and when I (via my lawyer) asked her to produce the phone in court, I was informed that the messages had been deleted. (How appropriate!)

Here is where the whole matter can be clarified, as in the actual SMS dialogues we had, she mentions that she will repay the loan. However,the court will not subpoena the telephone dialogue, as in Japan there is obviously an amount before they will do that (the eyes of the law are not equal in some cases).

The legal proceedings are still ongoing and according my lawyer, because she is so vague and even though her credibilty is in question, she may get away with this “scam;” in Japan the law tends to be very kind to women and does not believe that they could be so calculating.

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35 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I feel stupid that I was blind"

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All spaths have it in them to cut off all contact; it’s called ‘discarding’. I agree with thruthspeak, the ‘reason’ is a moot point, just as much as it is a moot point to wonder why a spath didn’t love their targets.

Nor does she have to contact him to file for divorce. If spaths want to fight a divorce, they will, whether they disappeared and discarded or are still in contact. At least by having no contact at all, she will heal faster.

Hens, I was just looking at that beautiful full moon lighting up the night sky, when you posted, hehe. Enjoy the beer and the cheese. Smiling right back at ya!

Hens…..moonbeams and beer. You’re the very best!!!!!!

HUGS and brightest moonbeam blessings to you!!!

Hi All,

Sorry I have not written in a long time.Things have been hectic here!

Well the last line in my letter has become reality.
“because she is so vague and even though her credibility is in question, she may get away with this “scam”.

Last week I was informed by her lawyer that between our last court hearing in October and last Wednesday, she left Japan and is now living in the US.
This is after she delayed providing bank statements for two months,even though the court subpoena requested that she do so immediately;so much for the Japanese legal system.

note:the forwarding address she gave,I did a search and found that it was a house that was up for sale!
Talk about calculating…

It seems that her lawyer knew that she was going to do this and did not inform us of her actions;even though legally he was not required to do so,as it is a civil case. My argument with my lawyer is that I think that what he did was not ethical.
He did not even have the courage to tell us f-2-f,he did it via fax.

I am still continuing the legal action and I will see this action out to the end. Even though the money may never come back to me,it is now for my own peace of mine.
I feel that me honestly winning this case will bring some sort of closure to my pain.
I clearly say “some” there is part of me that still cannot understand why I ignored every single red flag!

Roger, I’m so sorry that this has all panned out the way that it has for you. It’s not just the Japanese legal system, it’s a global thing – there is no such thing as “justice” when it comes to spaths facing consequences.

I’ve come to the nasty conclusion that there will be no “win” for me in my divorce actions – none. Not one. If one can call alimony that equals 2 tanks of gas per week a “win,” then yippee. What I lost to the exspath was over 1/4 of a million in personal investments, and he’s legally able to skip away from his crimes and sins without as much as a slap on the wrist. “Naughty boy, now give the woman some gas money and have fun.”

Ignoring the “red flags” isn’t uncommon, Roger – we don’t want to believe that we trust and care about someone who would not trust and care about us – it doesn’t fall into our systems of beliefs. If we trust someone else, our system of beliefs suggests that that person IS trustworthy, and it’s just a harsh (really harsh) reality that some people cannot, should not, and ought not to ever be trusted. For me, it’s not just “some people,” but everyone out there, now.

Perhaps, it’s an issue of boundaries for you, Roger – I don’t know, because I’m not you. But, if you examine the motives for having trusted this predatory woman, you’ll sort it out to your own best interests. Do you think you’ll ever be scammed, again? Well, I don’t think that you will because this experience has been so deeply painful that you never want to feel like this, again. So, having typed that, your boundaries will be high and tight, now, and you won’t fall prey to pity-ploys or lovebombing, ANY time soon.

Hang in there and try to avoid focusing on what might be “ethical” or not. That’s a waste of precious time and energy. It is what it is, and ANY legal system is something over which victims have no control.

Brightest supportive blessings

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