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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I feel stupid that I was blind

Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Roger.”

I am writing this from Tokyo, Japan and would like to tell you about my experience with a person that “conned” me.

Last year I experienced having a very short relationship with a lady that fits the description of being a sociopath: has no heart, no conscience and no remorse. In addition, now I know that she thought nothing of lying, cheating and stealing my money!

I met this lady, who is a full-time lecturer at a university here in Tokyo (as am I) at a dinner party in June last year. It was arranged by a person whom I know (and trusted) and his wife, and they were trying play “Cupid.” He, too, is a professor at a university here in Tokyo.

They knew that I had just experienced a terrible six months: the death of my father, the break-up of a six year relationship, the earthquake here in Japan, and that I was going through a very low patch in my life. Also, that she was single.

First request for money

After a month of dating, I received a call from her in a hysterical state that the local government had gone into her account and taken taxes that she owed (This has actually happened to friends of mine, so I had no reason to doubt it!) and this was money that she had promised her family.

With all her academic credentials, I thought I could trust her and I would do the right thing as a friend and offer her a short-term loan to help her family.

Well she agreed to accept my offer, however, this is where the first “red flag” came up, but I chose to ignore it! She asked for the loan in cash, as she stated it would be easier to transfer the money into her overseas bank account.

Now when I look back at the whole situation, I feel “stupid” and that I was “blind,” as I was looking for something that definitely was not there—a balanced relationship.

Trusting her and being in the middle of moving house, I did not think of asking her for an I.O.U, due to so much was going on in my life at the time. My mind was “all over the place.” I still do now know why I did not hand write one and get her to sign it.

Then for the next several weeks after this, when we met, there were several angry and hysterical scenes on her behalf and it got to a point that I had to say that we should just be friends. I could not tolerate her actions; she knew that I was exhausted and had no energy to argue back.

Here is where I should have completely cut off all contact with her, however, the amount that I lent her was too much to walk away from, so I tried to be friends with her.

Second request for money

Then after several weeks she informed me that she had work problems and health problems and did not have money to cover her medical and study commitments; she now asked for a loan and stated that she would repay all the amount owing in the following months.

When we next met, I asked her to give me an I.O.U., and she went into this trust episode and I thought that it would be disrespectful of me to create a public scene. My stupidity again!

We came to agreement that she would start repaying the amount back as soon as possible, and that she had a few other things to sort out.

Luckily, the second loan I made was via a bank transfer, so it has been documented.

As I did not hear from her for several weeks, I approached her and asked her to start repaying me, so that we can go our separate ways.

Denied the loans

This is when the “fun” began! She totally denied that any money had been loaned to her. She said she owed me nothing and that everything was finished, and that I should go on with my life and stop harassing her. She actually went to the police and filed a formal harassment complaint. The police have called me several times.

I am now in legal proceedings against her, and she is saying the first loan never happened and that the second loan was me repaying a loan that I had with her. Also, that I bought stamps from her (I have no idea where that came from) and that all the “crisis happenings” above never happened! She had never had any tax problems, health, work or family issues.

This is where I should have kept her e-mails (in my anger I deleted all her emails, however, luckily I kept the ones that I sent her). Now that we are in court, she has produced photocopied SMS dialogue that I can only assumed were Photoshopped, and when I (via my lawyer) asked her to produce the phone in court, I was informed that the messages had been deleted. (How appropriate!)

Here is where the whole matter can be clarified, as in the actual SMS dialogues we had, she mentions that she will repay the loan. However,the court will not subpoena the telephone dialogue, as in Japan there is obviously an amount before they will do that (the eyes of the law are not equal in some cases).

The legal proceedings are still ongoing and according my lawyer, because she is so vague and even though her credibilty is in question, she may get away with this “scam;” in Japan the law tends to be very kind to women and does not believe that they could be so calculating.


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35 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I feel stupid that I was blind"

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Roger, I am so terribly sorry that you experienced this. I’m also sorry that this happened overseas. Have you asked your attorney about speaking to the press? Since there hasn’t been a “conviction,” that may be an issue. Is there a way to press criminal charges? I’m just asking, as I’m in a similar situation with a soon-to-be-ex that raided my private (individual) investment accounts and there appears to be no legal remedy.

You weren’t “blind,” nor were you “stupid.” You were trusting the integrity of a colleague. That an “educated” professional or professor might not be “trustworthy” hardly ever occurs to most people. The fact is that schools and university environments are a hotbed of spathy – these are people who have “The Knowledge” that they impart in classes and lectures. They have “education” and, therefore, MUST have integrity. You simply trusted, that’s all, and she took advantage of that trust.

Again, I’m so sorry to read of your experiences, and I hope that you keep coming back to this site.

Brightest blessings, and best wishes on your case – may she be exposed for what she is.

Roger,
I’ve learned that my SP’s favorite con is to make ME feel ashamed for even questioning the possibility that he should create ant physical evidence… for me to have in my posession. Without any “PROOF” he can change history at his will…and you can count on the fact that details will be changed by the SP whenever it suits his/her best interest!

I think a SP must get a thrill or some sort of self-induced high out of successfully playing a con game. Perfahs it’s the thrill of winning at someone else’s expense.

With these slags you need to receive and safely hide away items of PROOF. then never have those items available for someone else to destroy. Only produce copies…keep originals for court cases. My SP tries to convince me that usless I produce an original for his to see and touch I have proved nothing…and he doesn’t remember anything transpiring. If he has the original he can always make the statement that a photocopy could have been altered. So make sure to hide original proof away from the slag/perp.

By the way, since YOU supposedly were paying her back…where did her money source alegedly come from?
Where is her possible proof that she had any money to lend you?

Also, is it possible to have a private investigator check to track any banking and/or loan pay offs that she might have made that total the original amount you “gave” to her and occurred closely after that date?

if she says that she loaned you, ask for her banking records…maybe. If she says she lent the funds to you at an earlier date, at least ask the court for reasonable proof from her.

Sorry that another honest person was slagged by a SP.

Hugs from me!

Roger,

Most of us have felt stupid for being conned. Looking back, the red flags look so glaringly obvious, and we realize we may have had little ‘niggling’ feelings of uncertainty at the time they pop up, we feel like idiots for falling for the con.

But that is in hindsight…and you know what they say about that. It is keen.

I was asked by the spath to go with him while he signed a loan to pay down his debt. When we got there the lady handed me the pen to co-sign, and I felt punched in the gut. But, know what I did. Bet you can guess.

I signed it. I proceeded to pay off more than 11,000.00 dollars of his debt, to protect my credit rating. Did I feel like a total jackass? Again, you are right. I did.

I, also like you, got rid of every scrap of communication from this individual. Due to the fact that I couldn’t stand to be reminded of him, without feeling breathless and weak and sad and angry…..

Good luck, Roger…I hope the courts come through for you. But if not, you can count your lucky stars that you understand these disordered and damaging individuals. And you can now protect yourself, and aid others to protect themselves. Though it feels awful now, your new knowledge has the power to send you on a new path….one that is less naive, more self aware, and better protected from those who would use you.

Slim

Roger,

I feel your pain and frustration…I too, gave my $30,000 plus in cash and heard the same words “what are you talking about, you never gave me any money” etc etc…(and I am sparing us all the foul language) …I keep thinking it is an issue of the past but it seems to haunt me and gets me so angry as I felt something deep down when I handed it to him, I would never see it back. It feels unfair because we are caring, trusting people.

I was listening to a song this morning sung by Josh Garrels..It is called Farther Along..He sings it so beautifully…It is on Youtube..(i’m not computer savvy) ..but one of the lines in the song is: “I wonder why the good man dies, the bad man thrives and Jesus cries because He loves them both”…I found some comfort in the entire song….I hope you will too.

Roger, We all feel conned but we should not feel bad or worthy of what has happened to us. We were just reacting as normal individuals with a heart and a soul. What comes around goes around. the law of cause and effect is very strong. sooner or later things in the universe even out. It shows us all that sociopath behavior is not just found in certain gender or socioeconomic backgrounds and in a certain level of education. It can be found everywhere and anywhere. I have always liked helping people. Sociopaths love to feed on good hearted people with a soul and a conscious. They think we are the losers but what there warped mind does not understand is that they have no soul . To have no soul, is to have no life. I hope this gives you some comfort for the future. This site has been much help for me and my problems with a sociopath.

Welcome to LoveFraud, Roger and I do hope that you recover some or all of your money….but it may be that it ends up being “tuition” for a PhD in psychopathy from the University of Hard Knocks. There are many of us here who have advanced degrees in this University of Hard Knocks from experience with psychopaths and yours sounds like one for sure.
Keep on reading and learning.
Our best revenge is a live well lived. Good luck and God bless.

Dear Roger: I am so sorry this has happened to you. I have been scammed too, but not for money. For my mind and my sanity. For ten years of my life; literally.

Hold true to yourself and don’t let go of the person you are. You are a very kind and trusting man and that is rare in this life so you should not feel shame nor guilt over this, but actually proud of the trusting person you are.

I think a lot of our problem stems forth from trusting and caring too much, sometimes. Although, I know it is difficult to know how to guage the use of our kindnesses, in my later years, I am now starting to see that we must pick and choose our battles and they must always be on our terms, loyal to ourselves. No matter what. We are just as entitled to draw those boundaries as anyone else.

We live and learn from our hardships and usually the most horrid ones are where our hearts are concerned. Although I am not recommending anyone try to ‘catch’ PTSD, in many ways, my having PTSD actually helps me in wading past a lot of the stress and anxiety.

I have been stalked the past ten years by someone I let into my life that I never should have in the first place. I have almost lost my life on several ocassions and the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse was over the top. It has taken me five years to climb out of this dark hole but I am doing it and IN SPITE OF “IT”.

Welcome to our family, here, at Love Fraud. I pray you will find as much healing and soothing, here, as I have. I don’t know many places where you can go to talk to people who have experienced the same kinds of things in their lives, with psychopath/sociopaths like here.

I will be rooting for you that you get all your money back and that justice will prevail. It’s difficult to let go of the horrid feelings our experiences have left us with but we will make it. I am doing better and better, all the time. At least that is what they tell me. hehehe

😛

Take care and come back and chat with us.
Everyone’s input is so validating and so important.

Welcome and may you be blessed with peace.

Dupey

Roger, the modus operandum is exactly the same as how my ex husband conned me, and I too sort of knew things were not right but went along with his ‘demands’ as I had recent trauma in my life and just wanted something that was ‘long term’ and ‘real’. I too kept handing money over, without question, and the last amounts he actually stole from my bank account (monies from the sale of my house after he persuaded me to sell it). I am still married to this man and although I believe he is with the woman he ‘went off with’ I do not really know for sure and he has cut all contact.

I too have ‘no proof’ and no way to bring about a prosecution and it eats away inside you. I lost around £80,000 plus got myself in debt on cards etc to around £20k.

But …. we only have one life and it is important that we try to be as happy as we possibly can. That is why you need to try to put it behind you and concentrate on ‘rebuilding’ your life and self-esteem.

It is awful that there are people like this in life but one thing is definate ….. they will never find true happiness. Their life may be less stressful but it will always be empty.

I think the more we learn again and again how these people operate, it helps all of us, whether we are taken advantage of in a romantic relationship, or by a family member, or a business acquaintance. So thanks for sharing your story, Roger.

They often ask for money, and try to put you on the spot by manipulating you into looking like YOU are the bad person, if you say no. We have trouble setting boundaries, and the pity ploy is an obvious signature of the sociopath AFTER something bad happens. She’s a slick one! I wonder how someone who seems so out-of-control personally and emotionally can even keep a professional position and maintain an aura of trustworthyness! They can put up a front – they’re good at that.

I have learned the hard way that you can’t assume people are trustworthy because they are in the company of others you know ARE. I think we tend to do that a lot. That’s part of what professional associations or church groups or military veterans are for – so that you can associate with your “peers,” who are all accomplished and have an outward appearance of respectability. You learn you can’t take things like that for granted anymore, and that is discomfiting. Being able to make assumptions about people makes life easier. But making one assumption about the WRONG person can subject you to years of misery. I think you are fortunate that she didn’t get her mitts on you romantically, because there’s a whole other level of trauma to that, as many posters here can attest. But you have learned just how devious people can be, and you will be wary the next time. I watched “Lost in Translation” the other day, and your story makes me think of that. It must get lonely to be in a foreign country. That can make you vulnerable, also. Take care.

Slimone

Sorry that you got conned that way.

In the recent movie the GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATOO there is a line in there,

When Daniel craig was being hung on the hook by the killer under his house, the killer said “It’s funny that people have a greater fear of offending others than the fear of pain” BUT he also said something like “people think if they cry, or be polite, say the right thing, maybe the bad guy will let me go”

And it’s true.

Sorry, and hugs.

Athena

One should never feel ‘stupid’ for falling for the ploys of the spath or ppath…..Remember: these people are very skilled at what they do.

They have done this their entire lifetime as a means of their own personal, selfish, survival, in their warped, twisted minds.

I was reading on the internet tonight and found this site that really does have a whole lot to say about psychopathy.
Wanted to share it with all of you.

Dupey is going night night now.
You all have a pleasant evening.

Tomorrow is a new day.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/

This website has been so immensely helpful, healing and reassuring. The emotional trauma, humiliation and incredulity of involvement with these ‘people’ is impossible to explain to those who have not experienced it. I was suicidal in January but am now healing thanks to medication, my beautiful husband, children and amazing friends. My sociopath was my lover for a year… (Also a family ‘friend’ in the same community) My husband had become absorbed in his own interests and we’d drifted apart. Never not friends but I felt an emotional void. I blanked out stories of the sp’s infidelity to wife number 2. Thought I can love him better, love him as he deserves. He was tender, attentive, passionate, funny, charming, articulate, generous…claimed to be my soul mate. He communicated constantly…loving messages. wrote endless cards with declarations of love, spoke all the time about our beautiful future together. I ignored tales of him not even telling wife no. 2 he was already married…as they planned their life together! Wife no. 1 thought he was working in Indonesia. That was the point W2 should have run for her life. But she forgave his omission to tell her he was married…they got married shortly after his divorce, she then had severe post natal depression. Meanwhile he was having an intense affair with a 19 year old (he was nearly 40) promising her he’d marry her, love her forever etc. This child phoned his home and told wife 2 everything. She suppressed the pain, humiliation…chose not to share it at that point or to expose him. She is now very ill…a lifetime of his lies and deceit? He had to go for anger management during their marriage as his kids were afraid of him.They separated 2 and a half years or so ago.I ignored every single red flag!! I am a highly intelligent, attractive, well qualified professional woman, with a wide circle of incredible beautiful friends. But I was lonely, unfulfilled, vulnerable, easy target….I cannot believe that I fell for his lies. I believed that I was living the love affair of my life and studiously ignored all little alarm bells…the inconsistencies, the refusal to answer the phone, the extraordinary anomalous appearance of my favourite Spanish poetry in his house (He’d never heard of the poet! French films (he’s a philistine)…articles lying around the coffee table about how to be the perfect father, partner .
Yet the moments of utter ‘spiritual, soulful connection’ or so I believed…were exquisite. Thinking back, there was a coldness about his eyes…chilling.
My husband found out just before Christmas and most unexpectedly put up the fight of his life for me.He blamed himself. I was still addicted to the SP and he’d made such heart-wrenching promises about our beautiful future together…our home filled with love…He then started to behave really, really bizarrely. went from telling me I was the sole focus of his world, to saying he didn’t know how to let go…a few hours later. He stopped communicating and I went out of my mind with grief, pain like I have never experienced in my life. I had no desire to live…the blackest time of my life ever. I returned all his bullshit cut and paste production cards on the 12 th of January. On the 15th of January he was already seeing the woman he dumped last Jan 2011…he had played the cancer card with her. Had to care for his wife etc.
For 3 months I went slowly out of my mind trying to comprehend what had happened to me. I exposed him completely in our community. Told absolutely everyone he knew. Respectability is crucial to SPs so this hurt. He resumed communication with me as I tried to reach some sort of resolution. I craved an explanation, an apology…he probably thought sexual relations could resume. He started to spin the same bullshit…he thought of me every minute of every hour…(tho not enough to say Happy Birthday it seems. That was not my day on the rota for being e-mailed while he was working offshore. Unbeknownst to me at that point he was already back in a ‘relationship’ with last year’s victim. This only came to light on 30th March when I bumped into this beautiful, trusting emotionally fragile woman. She was waiting for him. he’s been saying to her since January 15th that he’d do ‘whatever it took to get her back’. He’d lied about everything to her…his age (8 years less!), his relationship history… To me his lies had to be more limited as I already knew him from the village. He told me he had a first class honours degree from Glasgow university and was scathing about my Law and languages degrees. he has a certificate or diploma at best form a shitty technical college. We compared notes and have become close, best friends. She has helped me heal so so much. I would never have understood the full horror of what he is, nor would I ever have recovered from the love fraud without her. She had also thought she was living the love of her life with him last year…had a breakdown when he did his inimitable vanishing act. but assumed he was tending to his ailing ex wife. (who could barely bear to be in the same room as him) The love fraud is the most heinous of all sociopathic behaviours. Nobody is exempt. These bastards are brilliant masters of their craft. Utterly plausible. the damage to your psyche, self esteem, heart and soul is immeasurable. thank you to all of you for sharing your nightmare. i am in the process of writing a book about the whole harrowing ordeal…truly cathartic and restorative. And essential vindication, retribution. Remember we cannot redeem the unredeemable. Try Dr. martha Stout’s book..’The Sociopath next door’ Also very healing. They are not even original in their stereotype…the behaviour is verbatim as per clinical observation and diagnosis. Good luck in your recovery all of you.

MoMac, welcome to LoveFraud and I am so sorry for your experiences.

Yes, intellect and success don’t preclude immunity to spath entanglements. In fact, the “more” a person has, the greater of a notch in their guns that target is. What they cannot ever have, they mean to take and dismantle. And, the emotional void is their greatest opportunity to worm their ways in.

Have you engaged in counseling therapy since these experiences? Sometimes, it can be the most healing and helpful experiences. For me, I learned how I became such an attractive target for these types of creatures.

At any rate, welcome to LF, be kind to yourself, and brightest blessings to you.

Thank you Truthspeak! Every tale I read here is affirmation. I didn’t suffer theft of money or assets….Is this worse? Terrifying how someone can play at love with your soul, wreak havoc with your life and walk free. Cavalier exit stage left…seamless transition to the next game piece. So chilling.This is not a criminal offence but surely it should be? Yes we have been for counselling. I am healing with my beautiful husband. Turns out he was the prince in the fable, while I was sidelined by the frog. I have named him crayfish in my book. Interesting how victims often liken their SP to reptiles etc….My main challenge now is how to channel the all consuming loathing and imperative need for revenge. New uncharted emotions for me as I am a genuinely loving, passionate caring woman.Martha Stout recommends that exposure of small time sociopaths is the ultimate pain you can cause them. The only genuine emotion they are capable of is anger. This whole nightmare has been such a revelation….I shudder to think that if my husband hadn’t rescued me, I’d have taken my own life….We nearly lost it all…our marriage, our home, my lovely kids…for what? His sick, twisted self serving opportunistic game. I still lie awake a few hours a night trying to assimilate the enormity of it all. But off the anti depressants now and writing helps. As does the fabulous sisterhood. Never to be underestimated as a force to reckon with!

MoMac, you wrote:
“My main challenge now is how to channel the all consuming loathing and imperative need for revenge.”

Writing a book is a wonderful endeavor, but starting so soon after one’s extraction may not be of any use, at this immediate time. There are a number of authors that post on this site (and, other ones), and the general commonality among them all has been their writings after they have moved well down their individual Healing Paths.

Several things generally tend to happen during our healing processes and Kubler-Ross’s book, “On Death And Dying” address the various documented stages of grief. Of course, she was writing about terminal patients and their families, but the same principles apply to the destruction of our perceptions with regard to a spath, be they friend, family, lover, co-worker, supervisor, or anyone else.

The loathing, hatred, rage, and feelings for revenge are quite normal after such a traumatic entanglement! However “normal” they are, they can quickly (and, completely) develop into unhealthy obsessions – I know this from personal experience, and others can speak to this, as well.

Is a spath loathesome? Indeed, they are. Are they deserving of our hatred? You bet – for a short while. Will exacting “revenge” be of any benefit (such as, “outing” them)? No, it won’t vindicate us, save the next target from disaster, or stop them from being what they are.

Sociopaths are predators. For whatever reason, they are able to “see” and identify personal vulnerabilities that they use to their advantage with epic precision. If we are needy, they make us feel as if we’re the ONLY human being in the world that matters to them – until we’ve bitten the bait on their lures, that is. If we are distraught over a loss or traumatic Life event (death of loved one, etc.), they swoop in like a saviour and show us a false light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel. If we have deep shame-core, they shower us with excessive flattery and false approval until that barbed hook is firmly in our mouths.

For me, the only solution to surviving, recovering, and (hopefully!) total emergence from my experiences was to engage in strong counseling with a therapist that understood where I was at, emotionally. It wasn’t warm. It wasn’t fuzzy. I learned tragic things about myself that left me vulnerable to all manner of spaths, and I surely would have attempted a suicide had I not been validated by a professional that “got it.”

I’m a pretty strong writer, and I put a great deal of my energies into journaling for many months. I don’t intend to publish these journals or to use them as a draft, though I’ve often entertained the idea. What I used the journaling process for was to pour out my venom, my fears, my rage, my disbelief, and every feeling that I had with regard to the carnage. I might use excerpts, one day, but those journals were for ME….”outing” the spath isn’t my goal as he’ll do that through his own actions, in due time.

My desire for revenge has simmered down into a quiet fight for legal justice. I have no delusions about “justice,” as far as it goes. No amount of money can repair or remedy the damage that the exspath has inflicted. But, I do believe that he’ll face consequences, even if they aren’t Federal ones! 😀

So…..be kind to yourself, MoMac. Consider counseling therapy to help you find the tools and techniques that we don’t really know how to use, yet, with someone that “gets it.”

Brightest healing blessings

Dear All,

I would like to say thank you for your support and comments.
It is true that to share with people who feel empathy rather than sympathy towards you is a lot more healing for one’s soul.

Even though the “film of what happened” is still going around in my mind,I feel that until the legal proceedings conclude I will not feel at ease.
However.hearing your words has made the pain a lot less.

Thank you again.

Roger

You write very elegantly and articulately Truthspeak. My lovely sister in arms who fell prey to him a second time, albeit briefly…is as wise and philosophical as you. She was able to walk away without a backward glance when I leapt to me feet and cried ‘NO!!!!!!!! He will destroy you!!’ Because she had also been married to one….She saw instantly that her ‘beacon’ had attracted yet another life destroying SP. Of course he wasn’t going to tell her he’s been having an affair with me for a year which had ended a week previously. Wisdom, acceptance, insight are all increasing day by day. Perhaps the book project will flounder but I feel so inspired…a lifelong ambition to write. He is my ‘muse’ if you will. My grannie always said ‘What goes around comes around’ so I hope you are right about the consequences! But don’t ever give up the fight Truthspeak…..or they win!. We can raise awareness at the very least. I think it should be on the school curriculum!
I’m aware of the risk of ‘obsession’ but at the moment is is restorative and healing. Blue skies, future focused thinking…as my beloved fellow victim reminds me almost daily.

Roger, being capable of empathy and having a conscience is what makes us human. Ultimately a life without a conscience is a failed life. Walk tall and proud. We are survivors.

Roger, bless your heart – this, too, shall pass. Although the legal process may bring some sense of “justice,” strong steps on your own Healing Path will help you to prepare (as best as one can) for the best, and worst, possible outcomes. We cannot predict anything, even within ourselves. But, we can take steps that help us to heal so that, if “justice” is NOT served (or, not to our liking), we won’t spiral into a cesspool of depression and anxiety. HUGS to you…

MoMac, definitely WRITE…..write, write, write, and use this energy to your advantage. And, once you are well on your own Healing Path, GO FOR THE BOOK!!!! My suggestion to put a publication “on hold” for a while is strictly with the best of intentions – if we begin something in a tattered frenzy of emotion, it’s almost impossible to remain objective. After a while on your Healing Path, you’ll have a completely different perspective on everything that you’ve experienced. You’ll feel more calm, more in-tune with predatory tactics, your boundaries will be high and strong, and you’ll have forgiven yourself for having fallen prey to the spath. That, for me, was the hardest hurdle to leap: self-forgiveness. Next, came self-love. I’m slowly, slowly, ever-so-slowly learning to “love” me – not in the malignantly narcissisitic sense, but to appreciate that I am deserving of better treatment OF myself.

So….yeah…..it’s an uphill climb, but there are a lot of hands holding our ropes to help us on up!

Roger
I would like to tell you that the end of the legal issues will put you at ease but, likely it will not. I was scammed for over 4 years and then the last 2 I’ve spent trying to reclaim something, anything from her. Same story, denies everything, order of protection, etc. I’ve lost over $160K to this woman and her crap but, it just doesn’t end.

Winning or losing in court won’t help, you can’t get back what you’ve lost, all she has to say is it was a gift and she’s scared of you, unless you have a mountain of evidence, she will win. The only people that really win will be the lawyers.

You have a heart, a conscience, so you will hold onto it, she will not. Let it go, just bury everything in a garbage can and walk away. Every minute, everysecond of thought you give to her is a moment wasted. Get back to yourself, your life.

I would like to add my two pence to the above. Keeping a journal helped me immensely. I kept a diary every day to begin with and then as I started to recover my writing became less, my need to vent diminished. It helped me to see where I had been and tracked how far I had come out of the dark void I’d inhabited when living with a spath. That was 2years ago. I’m still on the road to recovery but for people who are starting out know that it does get better.

My ex left me with considerable debts. Not enough to destroy me, but enough. I’ve worked hard to repay the debt with no help or offer of help
from him. My strength, my tenacity, all of my attributes that he envied and that he wanted to destroy have served me well. Yes I may have been duped, scammed and left for dead but I survive. The very fact that we have endured this experience shows us how strong we are, mentally, physically and emotionally. Fight the good fight my friends. We are down but we are never out until we shuffle off that mortal coil.

Do I feel stupid that I was blind? Not any more. I’m grateful that I came out of that hellish life in more or less one piece.

Kep on keeping on. Never give up hope. Quitters never win and winners never quit. I echo and applaud what Hopeful said,

“Get back to yourself. Your life.”

Hear, hear.

(((strongawoman))) I am so sorry this has all happened to you. And, you can add your two pence any old time you want to…hehehe====I love hearing your strength and your courage. I stand up and applaud you with a standing ovation and a fist thrust into the air: “YES!”

yes, keeping a journal helps. Absolutely.
It does get better; little by little. That is US ‘changing’ and morphing and becoming something wiser and stronger…without that ugly influence of the ppath/spath.

I am sorry you were left with deep debts because of “IT”. I am sorry he is such a LOSER that he can’t even try to help you pay HIS debts.

Yes, all of those attributes about us that drew them to us in the first place is actually the same ones helping us out of this hole. Ironic; isn’t it? You have to search for them, kind of like looking for a needle in a haystack but if you are persistent, you will find it.

You are absolutely right:

“The very fact that we have endured this experience shows us how strong we are, mentally, physically and emotionally. Fight the good fight my friends. We are down but we are never out until we shuffle off that mortal coil.”

Quitters never win and winners never quit.
Get back to yourself. Your life. YES!

Hugs to you ~ Dupey xxoo

To mags. You talk of moving on and rebuilding your life but I can’t help but notice that you state you are still married to the man you say conned you. To that end your advice is rather contradictory. How can you rebuild your life and start over when you still have a link with your ex husband?

sunshine89,

Divorce proceedings aren’t always quick and easy, sunshine. At the very least, and this is the most important, she is not with him and not in contact with him.

Sunshine89, I have been separated for almost a year, now, and there are no children involved. The exspath just doesn’t want to pay anything and is fighting the whole action.

If children are involved, a divorce action is not only lengthy, but custody and visitation agreements can take up to 10 years to settle. Ten years. Ten years….and, tens of thousands of dollars in attorneys’ fees.

Just because someone is still legally married to someone doesn’t go forward that they are still living with their spouse or maintaining contact.

Brightest blessings

Roger, don’t feel stupid. They are so good at what they do! After being on here for the short time that I have, I don’t feel so alone…..or stupid anymore! Best wishes to you!

Darwinsmom & truthspeak

I completely agree with what you are both saying and I also sympathise, but if there is no contact then how is a divorce going to be sorted as the person that left runs the risk of paying a solicitor to organise and draw up divorce papers for the other person to refuse to co-operate or to ignore, therefore causing more bitterness, anger, hatred etc. Also what you have to ask yourself is why has mags ex husband cut all contact with her??

Sunshine89, I don’t know if you’re playing devil’s advocate, or what, but unless you’ve been through a divorce from a person who fits the profile of a sociopath, it’s an experience beyond description and understanding.

Maintaining NO CONTACT with a soon-to-be-exspath is fine by me. I allow my attorney to speak for me – that’s what I pay my attorney to do so that I won’t have to engage in the never ending Dance Of The Sociopath. A spath does not keep their word. They cannot be reasoned with. They are not willing to be reasonable. They don’t care about the harm and damages that they inflict through their endless misuse and abuse of Family Court. I’ll type this so that it’s clear: they don’t care.

Who cares why an ex-husband has cut all contacts with her? I don’t have to ask myself that question, whatsoever – the exspath cut ties with me after I attacked him, physically, for putting my health and safety at risk with his deviant activities. I haven’t spoken to him, since – he called ME to inquire about money that he wanted. So, the question of why someone’s ex has cut off contact is a moot point. No Contact is the very best of outcomes when divorcing a sociopath. Period.

Brightest blessings

I do believe I had a conversation with Mags some time ago and her reasons for still being married were valid…..and his reasons for going nc with her? Well try £80,000 in money she handed over to him when she was vulnerable + £20,000 pounds worth of debt she accrued subsequently. Hmm, no guessing why he’s gone NC with her. Is it me or?…….

hey hey hey – i hope everybody take’s a minute to look at the moon tonite – look really hard and you will see me sitting in my lawnchair eating green cheese , drinking beer and waving back at ya..sending cyber moon beams to all my LF peeps old and new…

sunshine,

All spaths have it in them to cut off all contact; it’s called ‘discarding’. I agree with thruthspeak, the ‘reason’ is a moot point, just as much as it is a moot point to wonder why a spath didn’t love their targets.

Nor does she have to contact him to file for divorce. If spaths want to fight a divorce, they will, whether they disappeared and discarded or are still in contact. At least by having no contact at all, she will heal faster.

Hens, I was just looking at that beautiful full moon lighting up the night sky, when you posted, hehe. Enjoy the beer and the cheese. Smiling right back at ya!

Hens…..moonbeams and beer. You’re the very best!!!!!!

HUGS and brightest moonbeam blessings to you!!!

Hi All,

Sorry I have not written in a long time.Things have been hectic here!

Well the last line in my letter has become reality.
“because she is so vague and even though her credibility is in question, she may get away with this “scam”.

Last week I was informed by her lawyer that between our last court hearing in October and last Wednesday, she left Japan and is now living in the US.
This is after she delayed providing bank statements for two months,even though the court subpoena requested that she do so immediately;so much for the Japanese legal system.

note:the forwarding address she gave,I did a search and found that it was a house that was up for sale!
Talk about calculating…

It seems that her lawyer knew that she was going to do this and did not inform us of her actions;even though legally he was not required to do so,as it is a civil case. My argument with my lawyer is that I think that what he did was not ethical.
He did not even have the courage to tell us f-2-f,he did it via fax.

I am still continuing the legal action and I will see this action out to the end. Even though the money may never come back to me,it is now for my own peace of mine.
I feel that me honestly winning this case will bring some sort of closure to my pain.
I clearly say “some” there is part of me that still cannot understand why I ignored every single red flag!

Roger, I’m so sorry that this has all panned out the way that it has for you. It’s not just the Japanese legal system, it’s a global thing – there is no such thing as “justice” when it comes to spaths facing consequences.

I’ve come to the nasty conclusion that there will be no “win” for me in my divorce actions – none. Not one. If one can call alimony that equals 2 tanks of gas per week a “win,” then yippee. What I lost to the exspath was over 1/4 of a million in personal investments, and he’s legally able to skip away from his crimes and sins without as much as a slap on the wrist. “Naughty boy, now give the woman some gas money and have fun.”

Ignoring the “red flags” isn’t uncommon, Roger – we don’t want to believe that we trust and care about someone who would not trust and care about us – it doesn’t fall into our systems of beliefs. If we trust someone else, our system of beliefs suggests that that person IS trustworthy, and it’s just a harsh (really harsh) reality that some people cannot, should not, and ought not to ever be trusted. For me, it’s not just “some people,” but everyone out there, now.

Perhaps, it’s an issue of boundaries for you, Roger – I don’t know, because I’m not you. But, if you examine the motives for having trusted this predatory woman, you’ll sort it out to your own best interests. Do you think you’ll ever be scammed, again? Well, I don’t think that you will because this experience has been so deeply painful that you never want to feel like this, again. So, having typed that, your boundaries will be high and tight, now, and you won’t fall prey to pity-ploys or lovebombing, ANY time soon.

Hang in there and try to avoid focusing on what might be “ethical” or not. That’s a waste of precious time and energy. It is what it is, and ANY legal system is something over which victims have no control.

Brightest supportive blessings

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