Editor’s note: The following essay was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Ms_Snowhite.”
I want to share with the readers at Lovefraud something that happened to me tonight, when I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t fall back to sleep.
You know, it was one of those moments when you suddenly wake up, your mind is clear of everything and you start thinking.
So I was lying on the bed thinking about the spath again and how there would probably never be justice for the things he has done to me, and then, I had started to think about other people that had hurt me a lot by intention in the past too. You know, friends that had betrayed me, co-workers that were unethical, etc., etc. Of course, what they have done can’t compare to the damage that the spath has done to my soul, but I was also hurt and devastated back then and I cried.
Well, it’s funny, I don’t know if that has happened to you too, but I realized that somehow, in one way or another, life has brought all those people back into my life, even many years after they hurt me. Some of them were feeling sorry about treating me unfairly, all of them were leading unhappy lives. It made me think that if I knew back then that those people would be unhappy in the future, then I wouldn’t feel so much pain and hurt. I was always thinking that after they hurt me, they would continue living happy lives like if nothing had happened. I could never imagine, in my pain, that they could lead miserable and unhappy lives.
Of course, I didn’t felt happy for that, I never feel glad about someone’s misfortune. But I somehow felt that the Universe has brought them back to my life to show me that Justice was placed, even if it was not important to me anymore.
I won’t lie, that made me think that maybe in the future, years after, life would bring the spath on my way again. Then he would be living alone in his misery and I would feel nothing but pity for him”¦ but that’s only a dream.
As I was still lying in the darkness, I started to think of people that I might hurt in the past too”¦ I have to say here, that I never had the intention to hurt anyone. I’m always careful with other people’s feelings, always trying to help when someone needs my help, etc”¦ So, except for a couple of boyfriends that didn’t work out, I thought that there were no other people that I might have hurt in the past. Stupid me…
As I was lying on the bed, names started coming on my mind, and I realized that in one way or another, I might have hurt many people’s feelings. I mean not in a way that the spath did to me”¦ I never had the intention to hurt anyone, but it’s still a hurt. As I was thinking, the list of the names grew bigger and bigger”¦ A sick aunt that I was ignoring her calls, a guy that was in love with me and I treated with cruelty, being rude to my mother and making her cry, pets that I had treated with cruelty when I was a child”¦ and the list goes on and on”¦
In the end I started asking for forgiveness of all those people”¦ I started asking for forgiveness even from those who had hurt me. I asked for forgiveness even from the spath for all the times that I lost control, even if it was him and his insane behavior that made me react that way”¦
By doing that I felt a relief. I guess it is something temporary, it was just some minutes of “light” and I would probably get back to my dark reality during the day – hating the spath, having the feeling of Injustice”¦ I just got up from the bed and I wanted to share it with you before the “magic” went away”¦
So, I guess that something good came out of this story—to understand my errors and question my behavior towards other people.
Blessings and love,