lf2

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I guess something good came out of this story

Editor’s note: The following essay was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Ms_Snowhite.”

I want to share with the readers at Lovefraud something that happened to me tonight, when I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t fall back to sleep.

You know, it was one of those moments when you suddenly wake up, your mind is clear of everything and you start thinking.

So I was lying on the bed thinking about the spath again and how there would probably never be justice for the things he has done to me, and then, I had started to think about other people that had hurt me a lot by intention in the past too. You know, friends that had betrayed me, co-workers that were unethical, etc., etc. Of course, what they have done can’t compare to the damage that the spath has done to my soul, but I was also hurt and devastated back then and I cried.

Well, it’s funny, I don’t know if that has happened to you too, but I realized that somehow, in one way or another, life has brought all those people back into my life, even many years after they hurt me. Some of them were feeling sorry about treating me unfairly, all of them were leading unhappy lives. It made me think that if I knew back then that those people would be unhappy in the future, then I wouldn’t feel so much pain and hurt. I was always thinking that after they hurt me, they would continue living happy lives like if nothing had happened. I could never imagine, in my pain, that they could lead miserable and unhappy lives.

Of course, I didn’t felt happy for that, I never feel glad about someone’s misfortune. But I somehow felt that the Universe has brought them back to my life to show me that Justice was placed, even if it was not important to me anymore.

I won’t lie, that made me think that maybe in the future, years after, life would bring the spath on my way again. Then he would be living alone in his misery and I would feel nothing but pity for him”¦ but that’s only a dream.

As I was still lying in the darkness, I started to think of people that I might hurt in the past too”¦ I have to say here, that I never had the intention to hurt anyone. I’m always careful with other people’s feelings, always trying to help when someone needs my help, etc”¦ So, except for a couple of boyfriends that didn’t work out, I thought that there were no other people that I might have hurt in the past. Stupid me…

As I was lying on the bed, names started coming on my mind, and I realized that in one way or another, I might have hurt many people’s feelings. I mean not in a way that the spath did to me”¦ I never had the intention to hurt anyone, but it’s still a hurt. As I was thinking, the list of the names grew bigger and bigger”¦ A sick aunt that I was ignoring her calls, a guy that was in love with me and I treated with cruelty, being rude to my mother and making her cry, pets that I had treated with cruelty when I was a child”¦ and the list goes on and on”¦

In the end I started asking for forgiveness of all those people”¦ I started asking for forgiveness even from those who had hurt me. I asked for forgiveness even from the spath for all the times that I lost control, even if it was him and his insane behavior that made me react that way”¦

By doing that I felt a relief. I guess it is something temporary, it was just some minutes of “light” and I would probably get back to my dark reality during the day – hating the spath, having the feeling of Injustice”¦ I just got up from the bed and I wanted to share it with you before the “magic” went away”¦

So, I guess that something good came out of this story—to understand my errors and question my behavior towards other people.

Blessings and love,

Ms_Snowhite


Comment on this article

27 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I guess something good came out of this story"

Notify of

Ms_Snowhite,
I love your story. I have had a similar experience: Thinking about the Spaths, non-Spaths & semi-Spaths that have hurt me. But, then it dawned on me: Haven’t I hurt others too, whether intentionally or non-intentionally? That was a lightbulb moment. So, my Spath (& other hurtful) encounters may be like boomerang karma. I asked the universe for forgiveness. This experience also gave me a new point of view and made me feel more aware as to how I treat & interact with people. I think this realization is a sign of spiritual growth but now, I have to live up to it, so that my actions reflect this insight.

Dear Ms_Snowwhite,

How right you are! While we may not be psychopaths, and we may not set out to hurt others for our own amusement, we have indeed hurt others in the past. None of us is without “sin” in our lives. None of us is perfect. I can look back at my own life and see plenty of times That I can remember that I’d like to forget…that I’d like to have never happened because I am not proud of those memories.

Forgiving ourselves for being less than perfect. Forgiving (getting the bitterness out of our hearts) the psychopaths and others who have hurt us I think is definitely part of the healing.

Learning to TRUST ourselves again as well. Because we have let ourselves down in many ways.

Wonderful article! Thanks. God bless.

Snowwhite,
thank you for sharing that experience. I can relate to your thoughts. When I was 12 years old, I played some spathy tricks. It was something I’m very sorry that I did. At the same time, remembering how I was thinking and feeling when I did that, has helped me to better understand the way spaths think. So maybe it was part of God’s plan.

The difference though, is that I grew up, and realized that my behavior was wrong. Spaths never do. The growing up gives us a longer perspective and forgiveness is naturally part of that.

Thank you for everything,
I’m so glad that you can relate to the article. I was not sure that I could explain my thoughts right since English is not my mother language – I come from a small European country where people don’t know much about sociopaths. I didn’t knew about them either before I found this site.
It’s only now, after 3 years of being involved with one that I start to see a small light at the end of the tunnel. At first I was suffering so much that I couldn’t see things clearly, but now I’m starting to see things differently.
I can relate to everything that you wrote too. I wasn’t that much spiritual before, but now I’m starting to believe that maybe Karma came to teach me a lesson about being ignorant with people who loved me in the past. Now I ask for forgiveness from the Universe and I’m trying to be more kind towards other people. I still feel hurt and angry – it’s not easy to accept the fact of being used and treated like an object, but things are getting a little better with time…
We had lost our identity and it needs a lot of work to gain our trust to ourselves back. We would never be the same person again, but we could make a new one, wiser and stronger this time.
I think that the first step to recovery is to make ourselves a priority, to start treating ourselves with caring and love, even if it seems difficult and even if it is for the first time in our lives. It is never too late to start loving ourselves, because if we won’t do it, no one else will do it for us.

Much love and light to everyone.

Ms_Snowhite, thank you so much for your courageous article. And, I mean that it is a courageous thing to discuss, much less disclose for others to read about.

For a long time, my focus had been about what a skank the exspath was – what he had done to me. Well, I’ve done plenty of things for which I am NOT proud of, and those things don’t necessarily make me a “bad person.”

This is the miraculous epiphany that comes with recovery, I think. This has been discussed numerous times, as well. There comes a time when the focus isn’t about what he/she did. The focus shifts to ME and MY choices, actions, and behaviors. I have a responsibility to myself to keep learning and remain in recovery. Your article speaks to me, very clearly, about this fact.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak,
thank you so much.
I remember you mentioning many times before that there comes the time when you stop focusing on the spath and what he did and start focusing on ourselves. It took me almost 3 years to come to this and I’m only just starting.
I’m trying to focus on my mistakes and I’m trying to understand why I had let the spath to do so much damage into my life so I won’t allow anyone to treat me the same way in the future.
I’m also not proud about things that I did in the past, but I think that the most important step for our self growth is to acknowledge our mistakes and make it sure that we won’t make the same mistakes again in the future. I’m glad that I have the ability to learn from my mistakes and the strength to ask for forgiveness when I hurt someones feelings, something that the spath will never be capable of. They just hurt, use and abuse and move on to the next target without caring about the lives they destroy.
Truthspeak, you said before that you don’t believe in Justice anymore, but I know that most of the people that hurt me in the past are living miserable lives now. Life has somehow brought those people into my life again even years after. I know that I got my lesson about hurting others peoples feelings too. So, I believe that there would come the day when there would be justice about what the spaths did to us too. Maybe not now, but someday, and I hope that when that happens we could share it here.
What is important now is to focus on ourselves!

Much love and hugs.

Here’s a thought: When we all did things in the past that was hurtful to people (we know we all have), did they think at the time that WE were spaths?? Did they hate us for what we were doing to them…hurting them?? Something to think about.

Ms Snow White, great article about forgiveness. I’m trying to get to that stage and be patient with myself. My experience is still pretty new and raw and I still feel the knife is jammed into my heart so I’m trying to read on hear as much as I can.

You said:
“I asked for forgiveness even from the spath for all the times that I lost control, even if it was him and his insane behavior that made me react that way””

I was speaking with Louise and Skylar earlier in terms with how I am starting to think about the loss of control I had many times and my spath turning it around on me saying that “it was my problem i acted/felt/went crazy because I can CHOOSE how to react to stressful situations…and that his actions were independent of my reactions as those were my choices…and that there’s no one to blame but myself for my out of control reactions”

I’m battling with feelings of “it was his fault I reacted this way” and “It was my own fault I had a choice” And many times I do feel GUILTY for some of the things I’ve said and done to him as a result of being hurt… and have even said sorry to him for that!! But then WHAM he sneaks back in with the same old lies and I’m back to MOUNDS of frustration!! And I’m the one that was apologizing??

Do you really believe you feel bad for your loss of control? How do you start to forgive yourself for that? Just wondering if you could expand on that a little for me. I’m trying to concretely define things here for some reinforcing self talk.

Thanks!

Louise, I know that I’ve done things that were dead wrong, and I had a feeling of remorse for having done them. The difference is that I know that I’m not spath, and I am not concerned with who may hate me, or who approves of me. These are the lines of thinking that left me open to spath entanglements, to begin with. It’s not that I “don’t care,” but I cannot be “all things to all people,” and I’m not going to pretend that I can. If someone hates me for the things that I did that were wrong, then it’s a waste of THEIR energies – unless they tell me, that hatred only burns in their lives.

Serenity12, yeah….we “re-act” to things in different ways but spaths drive “normal” human beings to the brink of madness and tolerance. There’s only so much that a human being can withstand, and most spath entanglements (especially contracts of marriage) result in behaviors that we NEVER though possible for ourselves. In a million years, I would NEVER have envisioned myself attacking my spouse for ANY reason, yet I did. I’m certainly not proud of what I did, and I paid dearly for my reaction. I was simply pushed beyond my ability to control myself. Does this make me a “bad person?” I don’t believe that it does.

Brightest blessings

Serenity12,

Forgiving myself was the most difficult part of it all I think, because I want to think of myself as “perfect”—because I was taught if I was not “perfect” it was not good enough. Now I realize (finally) that we are all HUMAN and that means we are NOT perfect, we do things that are not right, but…we learn from it and improve. The difference between “us” and “them” is that we feel remorse and change, they feel no remorse and do not change.

So forgive yourself for being human, for being imperfect. It is okay. (((hugs))) and God bless.

Truthspeak:

Sorry, I should have clarified myself more. First of all, don’t ever feel bad about attacking your husband! That does not make you a bad person!

I know you or we are not spaths and of course you had a feeling of remorse for things you did…that is because you are not a spath…spaths don’t have remorse.

I guess I was just thinking how we have a lot of anger towards these people for what they did to us, but why do we not think that the people we hurt didn’t have anger towards us? That’s all. It just makes me wonder.

Serenity12,
I was blaming myself for almost 3 years about the spaths behavior towards me. I always felt that I did something wrong, that I somehow deserved to be treated that way. Now I know that it was my own low self esteem making me feel that way. I was never good enough for someone to love me and I tried to be good because I wanted to be loved.
Finally, I realized that I don’t deserve being treated that way and i took the decision to leave.

Serenity12,
You ask if I really feel bad about losing control…
Yes, I feel bad, not about him, but because I allowed that to happen to me.
I am a calm person and I don’t like arguments but with the spath I felt like I was someone else, like I was going crazy. Sometimes I lost control, I yelled and I did things I’m not proud of. In the end I always felt embarrassed and humiliated. My spath – just like yours, always made me feel like it was all my fault. He always acted so cool and calm, it made me think that I was going insane!
Just like you, I always apologized to him, even when I didn’t knew what I did wrong…

Now I feel sorry, because I should have had more strength and leave him from the first month he started treating me that way. I should had stand up for myself. I feel hurt and embarrassed that I didn’t.

Serenity12, the way to recovery is difficult and until that day comes that we are completely healed we would always have those upside downs, but one thing I know for sure! I am more wiser now and I won’t allow anyone to treat me that way in the future. We were innocent and naive but now we know about spaths, we can recognize the traits and stop them before they damage us. This is power and we have it in our hands.
We can’t change the past, but we can change ourselves now, we can learn from this story and be more stronger in the future.

Much love.

Louise, I’m sure that people still harbor anger towards me. There are some that I’ve been able to reach out to and apologize for my rotten behaviors. Others have disappeared into the Void Of Life. Still others wouldn’t benefit from contact by me.

I get what you’re wondering, but my belief is that those who have empathy recognize that other people might harbor anger or resentment against us. Knowing this, it is a personal endeavor to avoid repeating hurtful actions. That’s all that I can really do.

So, HUGS to you, Louise! 😀

Serenity12, Ms_Snowhite is spot-on. The journey on our individual Healing Paths and the recovery from our experiences isn’t typically pleasant, simple, easy, or some sort of feel-good personal epiphany with windchimes and monks chanting in the background. Recovery is grueling, painful, and one heck of a challenge. I don’t believe that I will ever be completely healed, but that’s not my primary goal. I can’t look that far down my own path because my eyes will be distracted from where I need to place my next step.

In counseling (and, on this site), I learned a great deal that explained how I was such a perfect target and why I reacted the way that I did over my lifetime. I have always wanted to be “liked” and appreciated – I was desperate for acceptance and approval because I had been virtually abandoned to the dysfunction of an alcoholic family dynamic. I don’t hold my parents “responsible” for my damaged “inner child” because they did what they did with the tools that they had available. But, meeting that “inner child” and dispelling my mistaken beliefs that it was some joyous little girl instead of a frightened, lonely, and humiliated being that I truly was provided me with something concrete to work on.

It’s hard work, Serenity12, and it isn’t easy. But, it’s a freedom like no other. My fears are based upon a number of upcoming events that I’m trying to predict, but I don’t have to ever “fear” that I won’t be accepted or approved of, ever again. I am a valid human being. And, you are a valid human being that is priceless and irreplacable in this vast Universe. This is a fact, Serenity12. At some point, that fact will become a “feeling” and core belief for you. On that day, you’ll be able to extend your left arm out in front of you with your palm facing upward, and extend your middle finger in the general direction of the spath and say, “Spath? Just fark you, okay? I’m so much more than what you imagined, and your sins and crimes WILL NOT define who I am. Good day to you!”

Brightest, brightest blessings

I am glad this letter was written. I had felt that somehow, my spath ex husband would go on with his life and be happy. I know that isn’t true. I was his 4th wife. That is NEVER a good sign. He will never be happy in his ‘relationships’ and I use the term loosely. I believe it’s called….karma. What goes around, comes around.
Bless you all!

Girlfromnowhere, yeah…..”relationshits” is probably the best term to describe what spaths experience. And, I forget who first coined that on LoveFraud, but it never ceases to crack me up.

At some point, there will come a time when I don’t care whether or not the exspath has gone on to live ANY kind of life – happy, unhappy, successful, ruined, whatever. There will come a point when it’s a simple “Mind Over Matter” where I no longer mind because HE no longer matters. It’s my wish for karma to knock on his door and slap him in the face with a rotten salmon that I’m currently trying to manage! 😀

Brightest blessings

My experience has changed my focus in what I look for and value in people I meet. I’ve recognized that all of us have a differing level of empathy and being alert to the level of empathy I see in people is a good barometer for the interaction I can expect from them.

I’ve learned to place less value on how people present- their humor, their charisma, and I rely more on what I see of their inate ability to care for others.

Fraud Survivor:

Perfect observation! I am going to follow that also!

Ms_Snowhite, I like your post very much. I’ve started to be aware that there are certain times of day (late afternoon when I’m tired and before dinner, in particular) when the same kind of memories start popping up. Things I’ve done to people; things they’ve done to me.

It’s not the rotten ex-boyfriend anymore. More memories of things I had forgotten. Things that I really hadn’t processed at the time. Maybe I was just pushing it out of mind, because it didn’t seem worth suffering over. Or maybe I felt responsible for being too stupid to protect myself. Or maybe I just felt like it was all too complicated to understand.

Now, in these memories, it’s different than it was. I can really see how I was mistreated or exploited. And I can see how I caused pain and loss to another person, usually unintentionally or self-protectively or sometimes in denial because I was trying to get something else I really wanted. Most of these memories are about people I loved, or friends, or people I worked closely with. And suddenly all that pain we caused to each other is very clear, in a way it wasn’t before.

I think this clarity is because of the changes I’ve gone through in recovery from the terrible relationship from the biggest, cruelest exploiter I’ve ever known. That relationship caused me to stop avoiding the issue, and face the fact that his behavior caused me to be in profound pain. I couldn’t push it aside or minimize the sense of betrayal by blaming myself or claim that it didn’t matter. It did. There were real losses. And getting better after this relationship involved taking my own pain and losses seriously.

Well, the flip side of that, I think, is that I’m ready to be more aware of the pain around me. And to revisit these memories. I’m kind of shocked at how cold I was before, though I understand that it was defensive, and came from the fact that I had a lot of old pain from a dreadful childhood that I refused to deal with. I don’t hate myself for being so insensitive, but I do feel regretful about the waste involved. If I were the person I am now, a lot of this pain wouldn’t have happened — not on my side or on theirs.

One of the first stages of trauma management is denial. It doesn’t matter. I can deal with it. I’m not going to let it affect me. And if that’s as far as we’ve gotten in dealing with old pain, it creates a life with so many lies and confusion that it’s almost impossible not to create circumstances where we and other people get betrayed and hurt.

Like you, I deal with these memories by sending energy back into the past. I don’t ask for forgiveness, because I don’t want that. I want to change my influence on the situation and how it evolved for me and these people. So I send back love and affection and good wishes to them. I think both they and I deserved better, and I send back that idea as though it really could heal things.

I don’t know if that changes anything for anyone else, but it does change the quality of the memory for me. For the first time, I feel like I’m dealing with the emotional reality of these situations and reacting from a loving and healthy place. It settles me with them and myself. And more than that, it gives me some perspective on the needs and vulnerabilities that cause these situations to happen.

It also matches my belief that almost everyone, even my terrible ex, isn’t really focused on causing pain to other people. It’s collateral damage of trying to get their needs met, and most of us are somewhat damaged in ways that make our dealings with people more complicated and hidden than they need to be. In my new life, a key aspect of taking care of myself is telling the truth — about how I feel, what I want, how I hope things come out. That doesn’t always give other people exactly what they want, but it gets reality between us so we can sort things out with less sense of betrayal and loss.

Not everything works out to happily ever after. But the quality of the journey is actually more important. Treating ourselves with compassion and respect leads to treating other people that way too. Throwing that tender energy back to clear up the messier moments of the past really seems to help.

Divorced from Gaslighter

My ex was living the dream life with his third wife in a beautiful overseas location when he had a massive heart attack while walking down the street. If he had been in the USA, he might have gotten to the hospital fast enough to have been saved, but he was DOA at the hospital in his foreign location. The whole time we were married, he never stopped trying to figure out a way to move overseas. About five years after our divorce, he finally made it happen. Kind of ironic that his disdain for America led him to live in a country with less emphasis on emergency medicine.

When we were married, I always envied his ability to eat five potato chips or two cookies and then STOP. He never gained an ounce from what he weighed in college. He ate very healthy meals, was a light drinker (wine with dinner, or an occasional gourmet beer), he went to the doctor whenever he had a problem, which was rarely, got regular dental check-ups and flossed his teeth every day. He also did some moderate exercise almost every single day.

The attorney who handled my divorce over twenty years ago told me that he had encountered many people like my ex over the years, and NONE of them ever ended up truly happy. For my ex, his “perfectionism” which he was so proud of made it impossible for him to appreciate anything or anybody for any length of time. No matter what he had, there was always “something better” that he felt he couldn’t live without. I did talk to his second wife on a couple of occasions, and she, too, was filled with despair while married to him. His selfishness knew no bounds — he used everybody he met.

Massive sense of entitlement followed by massive heart attack. Dead at 55.

Divorced from Gaslighter:

Did this just happen? It was probably a hereditary condition.

Divorced, death is a certainty, although mankind has spent time, money, and energy attempting to put off the inevitable.

Premature deaths happen for all manner of reasons – congenital defects, chronic terminal diseases, accidental deaths, and so on. They’re alwlays a shock, especially when someone is younger.

The first abusive exspath died of a massive coronary, as well. Just dropped dead at 50. My personal feeling is that spaths expend a tremendous amount of energy in their machinations. That they expend so much physical and mental energy on hiding, manipulating, and exploiting, it’s a “negative” activity, regardless of what appears on the surface. From my own experience, “negative” experiences produce terrible physical ramifications. Most women (in particular) who have experienced domestic violence/abuse and sociopathic entanglements develop chronic auto-immune disorders and this is a statistical fact. Why wouldn’t that go to follow with people who machinate and exploit others with malice and evil intent?

There very well may be a hereditary predisposition, but such evil intent and energies certainly seems to result in dire and final consequences.

Then, again….there are spaths that live to very ripe ages, but not very often.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak:

I think you are onto something. The spath I knew told me his grandfather died at 54 and his dad died at 54. I don’t know what his grandfather died of, but his dad did die of Leukemia and I also heard his dad was a good guy; it was his mom who was the bad one. Spath is now 45 so he may have nine years left if he continues the pattern. I think you are right. They put so much energy into duping people; it must take a toll on them. Plus the drinking with the one I knew.

Louise, it just makes physiological sense to me.

It’s a documented fact that people who suffer extreme trauma or domestic violence/abuse (which includes spath entanglements!) develop chronic, lifelong medical issues. With women, it’s most often auto-immune disorders: rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, lupus, etc…. Of course, there are genetic markers that many people carry that never manifest as symptoms. But, most people who don’t even carry genetic markers will develop chronic illnesses like infections, etc.

So, if enduring negative experiences can cause physical medical conditions, why wouldn’t expending energies on negative machinations result in physical medical conditions, as well.

On the last day that I saw the exspath (AFTER I had found the email that he sent to his Mistress to confirm my suspicions), we were on the phone and I was very, very cold and distant. At that time, I was in the throes of a very painful and long-termed (year +) rheumatic flare. The exspath asked, “How are your joints?” I responded, “Just fine.” There was a hesitation, and then the exspath complained about gas pains in his abdomen – to NULLIFY and minimize my own immediate medical issues.

The exspath knew that I was in extreme pain, because he lived with me. He had only just begun asking about my pain a week before. This was after he sat in the doctor’s office to discuss my condition, possible course of treatments, and prognosis.

So, it’s quite likely that he’s walking around with cancer without even knowing it, considering the things that he’s done over his lifetime.

Brightest blessings

Divorced from Gaslighter

Louise: The sun shines on the everybody, and lots of very decent people die at very early ages, including babies and children who brought nothing but joy.

I just thought that it was ironic that somebody who screwed over everybody in his life and was repulsed by anyone who was unhealthy in any way was the “first to go,” in his own generation of family and “friends.” Because he spared no amount of time or expense to take the very best care of himself, it was a real shocker that he died at an early age. In fact, he predeceased BOTH of his parents, who were in their 80s and had had health problems for decades.

He also thought of himself as a sort of “world citizen” who was too special and sophisticated to live in the USA, so if differing standards of emergency medical care contributed to his early demise, then that is ironic also.

His death occurred approximately five years ago. I have had problems with auto-immune issues which began during the custody fight. Specifically, eczema and arthritis. My love goes out to all of you struggling with health issues — I hope I didn’t end up sounding as though I thought that people with health problems had brought it on themselves, etc. I do think that chronic stress is horrible for your health, and with an S or P partner, the stress never lets up while the relationship is “on,” and it often gets worse after the relationship is over, especially if there are minor children involved.

Kathleen Hawk,

Thank you, I’m so glad that you can relate to my post.
It’s funny that you had described yourself as being “cold” before… I had described myself that way many times in the past too. I would describe myself as an ice queen, emotionally cold – especially towards men who loved me. I couldn’t realize how much I was hurting their feelings back then. I’m not proud of it but back then I have watched men crying because of my cruel behavior and my heart was empty of any emotion…
I was very young back then and I feel so much ashamed of it now… It makes me wonder if those men felt the same way that the spath made me feel when he treated me with such cruelty years after… That’s why I feel that I somehow I deserved what happened to me.
I’m not glad that I met the spath, I wish I could turn back the time so I would never meet him, but I’m glad that through him I realized how much cruel I have been in the past too. Now I have more empathy towards other people.

You’re so right about the childhood part… I guess that’s where it all comes from… I had a trouble childhood too, I never felt that I was loved by anyone. I have been always searching for to feel the love that I had missed but everytime when someone was there to love me I couldn’t feel it! I felt that I was not worthy for love and I couldn’t love them back. I couldn’t accept the fact that someone could love such an unworthy person like me, so I was cruel to them like I was cruel to myself…
Of course I couldn’t see it back then, it’s only now that I understand why I was that way and why I was treating people who loved me with such cruelty…
If I truly knew how to love myself I would accept their love as a blessing but I saw it as a curse. If I truly loved myself, then I wouldn’t allow the spath to do so much damage into my life either. I would have left from the very first moment he treated me like crap and never looked back…
Now I know that I should learn how to love myself, so I could love and accept the love from other people too.
It must be a wonderful feeling, to feel with your whole existence that you are loved and much more wonderful being loved and love back.

It’s true that if we were the person we are now back then a lot of things would be different and we would treat people differently too, but I’m glad that we got here anyway. There are people who never change, don’t become better with time and they repeat the same mistakes again and again. We are not like them.
We know and we want to improve ourselves so we could finally achieve peace.
Just like you I’m sending from far all my love and good energy to the people that I had hurt in the past, wishing them for the best, knowing that most of them are living happy lives now and feeling in peace. And just like you, I feel that I am much different now and I feel more certain about things. I’m starting to learn about my vulnerabilities and I’m trying to change. I would describe that feeling as being reborn, I don’t feel like the old Snowhite anymore, but I feel wiser and stronger than before. I know I still have a lot of way to walk, it isn’t easy and I’m not sure if I would get where I want in the end – like Truthspeak said, I don’t believe that I would be ever completely healed, but like you say, it’s the journey that counts and not the destination!

Much love and blessings.

Fraud survivor

I like the idea of observing the amount of empathy a person demonstrates except my xspath was very good at displaying the proper amount of empathy for others (animals especially because he knew I was animal oriented) at the exact time he should. He didn’t miss a beat. It was all fake. He was very good at what he did. He had been doing it forever.

Kmiller,
yep, mine too. And you should see my spath BIL in action when someone dies. He does all the arrangements, puts together a memorial video and website etc… An entire production. He loves watching people cry at funerals, so he does everything he can to tug at your heartstrings.

I think people who can’t feel are more observant of the emotions of other people. That’s how they learn to copy us.

Rather than observing someone’s empathy, I would suggest we observe their tendency toward the dramatic. Do they create drama? Are they attracted to it? Are they over-the-top in their reactions? Those are the indications of a cluster b personality disorder. The cluster b’s are AKA, “the dramatic personality disorders”.

Send this to a friend