Editor’s note: The following essay was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Ms_Snowhite.”
I want to share with the readers at Lovefraud something that happened to me tonight, when I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t fall back to sleep.
You know, it was one of those moments when you suddenly wake up, your mind is clear of everything and you start thinking.
So I was lying on the bed thinking about the spath again and how there would probably never be justice for the things he has done to me, and then, I had started to think about other people that had hurt me a lot by intention in the past too. You know, friends that had betrayed me, co-workers that were unethical, etc., etc. Of course, what they have done can’t compare to the damage that the spath has done to my soul, but I was also hurt and devastated back then and I cried.
Well, it’s funny, I don’t know if that has happened to you too, but I realized that somehow, in one way or another, life has brought all those people back into my life, even many years after they hurt me. Some of them were feeling sorry about treating me unfairly, all of them were leading unhappy lives. It made me think that if I knew back then that those people would be unhappy in the future, then I wouldn’t feel so much pain and hurt. I was always thinking that after they hurt me, they would continue living happy lives like if nothing had happened. I could never imagine, in my pain, that they could lead miserable and unhappy lives.
Of course, I didn’t felt happy for that, I never feel glad about someone’s misfortune. But I somehow felt that the Universe has brought them back to my life to show me that Justice was placed, even if it was not important to me anymore.
I won’t lie, that made me think that maybe in the future, years after, life would bring the spath on my way again. Then he would be living alone in his misery and I would feel nothing but pity for him”¦ but that’s only a dream.
As I was still lying in the darkness, I started to think of people that I might hurt in the past too”¦ I have to say here, that I never had the intention to hurt anyone. I’m always careful with other people’s feelings, always trying to help when someone needs my help, etc”¦ So, except for a couple of boyfriends that didn’t work out, I thought that there were no other people that I might have hurt in the past. Stupid me…
As I was lying on the bed, names started coming on my mind, and I realized that in one way or another, I might have hurt many people’s feelings. I mean not in a way that the spath did to me”¦ I never had the intention to hurt anyone, but it’s still a hurt. As I was thinking, the list of the names grew bigger and bigger”¦ A sick aunt that I was ignoring her calls, a guy that was in love with me and I treated with cruelty, being rude to my mother and making her cry, pets that I had treated with cruelty when I was a child”¦ and the list goes on and on”¦
In the end I started asking for forgiveness of all those people”¦ I started asking for forgiveness even from those who had hurt me. I asked for forgiveness even from the spath for all the times that I lost control, even if it was him and his insane behavior that made me react that way”¦
By doing that I felt a relief. I guess it is something temporary, it was just some minutes of “light” and I would probably get back to my dark reality during the day – hating the spath, having the feeling of Injustice”¦ I just got up from the bed and I wanted to share it with you before the “magic” went away”¦
So, I guess that something good came out of this story—to understand my errors and question my behavior towards other people.
Blessings and love,
Ms_Snowhite
Divorced, death is a certainty, although mankind has spent time, money, and energy attempting to put off the inevitable.
Premature deaths happen for all manner of reasons – congenital defects, chronic terminal diseases, accidental deaths, and so on. They’re alwlays a shock, especially when someone is younger.
The first abusive exspath died of a massive coronary, as well. Just dropped dead at 50. My personal feeling is that spaths expend a tremendous amount of energy in their machinations. That they expend so much physical and mental energy on hiding, manipulating, and exploiting, it’s a “negative” activity, regardless of what appears on the surface. From my own experience, “negative” experiences produce terrible physical ramifications. Most women (in particular) who have experienced domestic violence/abuse and sociopathic entanglements develop chronic auto-immune disorders and this is a statistical fact. Why wouldn’t that go to follow with people who machinate and exploit others with malice and evil intent?
There very well may be a hereditary predisposition, but such evil intent and energies certainly seems to result in dire and final consequences.
Then, again….there are spaths that live to very ripe ages, but not very often.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak:
I think you are onto something. The spath I knew told me his grandfather died at 54 and his dad died at 54. I don’t know what his grandfather died of, but his dad did die of Leukemia and I also heard his dad was a good guy; it was his mom who was the bad one. Spath is now 45 so he may have nine years left if he continues the pattern. I think you are right. They put so much energy into duping people; it must take a toll on them. Plus the drinking with the one I knew.
Louise, it just makes physiological sense to me.
It’s a documented fact that people who suffer extreme trauma or domestic violence/abuse (which includes spath entanglements!) develop chronic, lifelong medical issues. With women, it’s most often auto-immune disorders: rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, lupus, etc…. Of course, there are genetic markers that many people carry that never manifest as symptoms. But, most people who don’t even carry genetic markers will develop chronic illnesses like infections, etc.
So, if enduring negative experiences can cause physical medical conditions, why wouldn’t expending energies on negative machinations result in physical medical conditions, as well.
On the last day that I saw the exspath (AFTER I had found the email that he sent to his Mistress to confirm my suspicions), we were on the phone and I was very, very cold and distant. At that time, I was in the throes of a very painful and long-termed (year +) rheumatic flare. The exspath asked, “How are your joints?” I responded, “Just fine.” There was a hesitation, and then the exspath complained about gas pains in his abdomen – to NULLIFY and minimize my own immediate medical issues.
The exspath knew that I was in extreme pain, because he lived with me. He had only just begun asking about my pain a week before. This was after he sat in the doctor’s office to discuss my condition, possible course of treatments, and prognosis.
So, it’s quite likely that he’s walking around with cancer without even knowing it, considering the things that he’s done over his lifetime.
Brightest blessings
Louise: The sun shines on the everybody, and lots of very decent people die at very early ages, including babies and children who brought nothing but joy.
I just thought that it was ironic that somebody who screwed over everybody in his life and was repulsed by anyone who was unhealthy in any way was the “first to go,” in his own generation of family and “friends.” Because he spared no amount of time or expense to take the very best care of himself, it was a real shocker that he died at an early age. In fact, he predeceased BOTH of his parents, who were in their 80s and had had health problems for decades.
He also thought of himself as a sort of “world citizen” who was too special and sophisticated to live in the USA, so if differing standards of emergency medical care contributed to his early demise, then that is ironic also.
His death occurred approximately five years ago. I have had problems with auto-immune issues which began during the custody fight. Specifically, eczema and arthritis. My love goes out to all of you struggling with health issues — I hope I didn’t end up sounding as though I thought that people with health problems had brought it on themselves, etc. I do think that chronic stress is horrible for your health, and with an S or P partner, the stress never lets up while the relationship is “on,” and it often gets worse after the relationship is over, especially if there are minor children involved.
Kathleen Hawk,
Thank you, I’m so glad that you can relate to my post.
It’s funny that you had described yourself as being “cold” before… I had described myself that way many times in the past too. I would describe myself as an ice queen, emotionally cold – especially towards men who loved me. I couldn’t realize how much I was hurting their feelings back then. I’m not proud of it but back then I have watched men crying because of my cruel behavior and my heart was empty of any emotion…
I was very young back then and I feel so much ashamed of it now… It makes me wonder if those men felt the same way that the spath made me feel when he treated me with such cruelty years after… That’s why I feel that I somehow I deserved what happened to me.
I’m not glad that I met the spath, I wish I could turn back the time so I would never meet him, but I’m glad that through him I realized how much cruel I have been in the past too. Now I have more empathy towards other people.
You’re so right about the childhood part… I guess that’s where it all comes from… I had a trouble childhood too, I never felt that I was loved by anyone. I have been always searching for to feel the love that I had missed but everytime when someone was there to love me I couldn’t feel it! I felt that I was not worthy for love and I couldn’t love them back. I couldn’t accept the fact that someone could love such an unworthy person like me, so I was cruel to them like I was cruel to myself…
Of course I couldn’t see it back then, it’s only now that I understand why I was that way and why I was treating people who loved me with such cruelty…
If I truly knew how to love myself I would accept their love as a blessing but I saw it as a curse. If I truly loved myself, then I wouldn’t allow the spath to do so much damage into my life either. I would have left from the very first moment he treated me like crap and never looked back…
Now I know that I should learn how to love myself, so I could love and accept the love from other people too.
It must be a wonderful feeling, to feel with your whole existence that you are loved and much more wonderful being loved and love back.
It’s true that if we were the person we are now back then a lot of things would be different and we would treat people differently too, but I’m glad that we got here anyway. There are people who never change, don’t become better with time and they repeat the same mistakes again and again. We are not like them.
We know and we want to improve ourselves so we could finally achieve peace.
Just like you I’m sending from far all my love and good energy to the people that I had hurt in the past, wishing them for the best, knowing that most of them are living happy lives now and feeling in peace. And just like you, I feel that I am much different now and I feel more certain about things. I’m starting to learn about my vulnerabilities and I’m trying to change. I would describe that feeling as being reborn, I don’t feel like the old Snowhite anymore, but I feel wiser and stronger than before. I know I still have a lot of way to walk, it isn’t easy and I’m not sure if I would get where I want in the end – like Truthspeak said, I don’t believe that I would be ever completely healed, but like you say, it’s the journey that counts and not the destination!
Much love and blessings.
Fraud survivor
I like the idea of observing the amount of empathy a person demonstrates except my xspath was very good at displaying the proper amount of empathy for others (animals especially because he knew I was animal oriented) at the exact time he should. He didn’t miss a beat. It was all fake. He was very good at what he did. He had been doing it forever.
Kmiller,
yep, mine too. And you should see my spath BIL in action when someone dies. He does all the arrangements, puts together a memorial video and website etc… An entire production. He loves watching people cry at funerals, so he does everything he can to tug at your heartstrings.
I think people who can’t feel are more observant of the emotions of other people. That’s how they learn to copy us.
Rather than observing someone’s empathy, I would suggest we observe their tendency toward the dramatic. Do they create drama? Are they attracted to it? Are they over-the-top in their reactions? Those are the indications of a cluster b personality disorder. The cluster b’s are AKA, “the dramatic personality disorders”.