Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Rhonda.”
Hello Lovefraud
After having my own epiphany over this past week, concerning my ex sociopathic partner, I was led to your blog and info, as well as others, that outline the description of sociopathy, psychopathy. OMG!
Oh dear, the relevation. 2.5 yrs with someone and only waking up now – that’s me.
My ex fits ALL the descriptors. The theft, the alcoholism, the constant ‘running away’ for days on end, the threats, the lies, the questions answered with more questions, the secrets, the lot!
I have been holed up in my house this past week, over Christmas and New Year unable to go out. I feel I may be suffering from post tramautic stress syndrome. When I read the stories here from others, I knew those individuals all lived what I have lived through, but still find it unbelievable, even though I know all their stories and mine are true.
Please keep up the good work here – I never EVER thought I was capable of being duped – I suppose in retrospect I saw it coming. Its the betrayal that hurts way more than the end of the relationship – I now feel there is something terribly wrong with me, for having been so blind. I don’t have anyone to explain to, how I feel, because one would have to live this, to truly understand. I think my friends would probably think I was lying or as equally unhinged as my ex, if I told them what had gone on.
I guess that is exactly where my ex wanted me to be.
I love the articles and pieces on spirituality. All things happen for a reason and in hindsight, I think I was an accident waiting to happen. I have learned sooooo much.
I really don’t think she would complain because she don’t sleep anyway. It’s funny but she would be the perfect one to let him out at night because of her schedule and being right there. Except I don’t want the contact with her AND she wouldn’t do it if I asked her to. She is afraid to be alone in my apartment during the daytime, much less after dark. I asked her to go in there during the summer and get me some papers that I needed when I was in Missouri and she refused to go in w/o the landlord going in with her. That’s what I don’t get. I didn’t think that Ns were afraid of EVERYTHING and she is afraid of everything. I may have another neighbor though who could help me out. I just don’t think she’s actually gonna move. I’d be surprised. She is always complaining about how broke she is, so I don’t think she would take on a mortgage at age 62. I’ll believe it when I see it. I just need to avoid as much as possible.
Liz,
they aren’t afraid of anything. They pretend to be.
After years of hearing my spath say, “this is dangerous”, or “this could kill you” Day after day, I finally said, “Spath, a brave man dies only once. A coward dies a thousand times.”
He just looked at me wierd.
My mother was also constantly warning me about danger. She is a spath too. They pretend to be scared just to see the look on your face. they aren’t scared, just pretending.
Liz,
I’m reading an Ann Rule book, “everything she ever wanted” It’s about a spath woman. I’m only on chapter 6 but I can see how this spath is exactly like my spath. When they are doing a con, they create all the details you would need to believe their lies. It is EXACTLY like a screen play production. Everything that would happen if their lies were true, has been set up to actually occur.
This spath bitch made several calls to her friends and family, “worried” about her husband, when in fact, she had created all the murders and drama. My spath did the EXACT same kind of thing. He called the cops, they called him, the neighbor called the cops, the cops called me. Yes, I HAVE RECORDINGS OF THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING THING.. blah blah blah.
They are phonies in every sense of the word. If their lips are moving … they are lying. ALL ALL ALL of the time.
To them, reality doesn’t exist so they create it. they are evil but they are like lucifer the angel of light, they appear beautiful. RESIST.
Sky-so when she gives me the vulnerable puppy dog eyes and tells me how scared she is, that she really isn’t? Even my other neighbor down the street and her husband have made comments about how she’s scared of everything. I tried to tease her one day and tell her that my truck was stolen when the other neighbor had actually borrowed it. She got really upset and almost started crying and said that she didn’t want me saying those things to her, even as a joke cuz it scared her so bad.
When she told me that “she doesn’t think I’m crazy”, do you think that she actually does, and that’s why she said it? That’s what I think she meant. I really wish she’d move but I don’t think it’s really going to happen-not gonna hold my breath. I have been all the narcissistic supply that she needs and she won’t want to be without that, cuz I doubt anyone is going to treat her the way I have.
I am ordering some books this morning because I think I have issues with codependency, because I heard that codependents are big magnets for narcissists and that those are the Ns biggest targets for supply. I also am afraid that I have issues with love addiction too, all the symptoms are pointing to me and it’s really freaking me out that I may have these things going on. She has me thinking that I am crazy!
Liz, narcissists do have fear. They can feel emotions, just only for themselves. My mother, for instance, is terrified of freeways, no matter who is driving.
P.S. There is nothing wrong with you and you are not crazy. You just have not set healthy boundaries with your neighbor, so you are in a state of toxicity. That’s what it appears from my perspective anyway. If you set the boundaries and stick with them, the rollercoaster of emotions will eventually subside. The boundary is key, though. Only you can decide when to get off the rollercoaster.
I recently dated a guy that I was very attracted to at the end of last year. Things had just started to become romantic, but I kept my cool to see if he was really the kind of guy I wanted. His kisses set me on fire, and I got the impression that he would be an amazing lover. But I watched and waited to see how he treats women. Eventually, he revealed himself to be not very respectful of me. So I threw him out of my house on Xmas eve and never looked back. STILL, I think about him because I did allow myself to have feelings for him. But I set the boundary and stuck with it. And it’s as if the universe said to me, “Oh, he wasn’t good enough for you. You want people in your life who treat you better.” And then the universe sent me a man who is wonderful and amazing. He isn’t someone I’m dating. He is a doctor from my job who has become a massage client. I don’t think we will ever date, but the respectful way he treats me has made me realize how crappy the other guy treated me. It’s made it easier for me to move on because I see what is possible. The reason I told you this is because you cannot have something better in your life if you keep going back to the same old thing. You have to break the addiction and create a space for something better to happen. Yes, you are addicted to her. Yes, you have a history with her. Yes, she sometimes treats you nice. And yes, you are in love with her. But it doesn’t sound good for you. But you won’t have anyone better as long as you hold onto her, Liz.
Star-I know. The last few lines of what you wrote to me are so true. I am just so freaked out and highly anxious right now because of the addiction-which I feel is bordering on almost obscession. That scares the freakin shit out of me. My anxiety levels are so high right now that I can’t concentrate on anything. I feel like “stop the world I wanna get off”. I want off this damn rollercoaster. I have to figure out how to break the addiction. I feel so crazed right now. I don’t want this for myself anymore. You finally get to the point where this is the last straw-the straw that broke the camel’s back. I want out!!
Liz, I wish I knew the right thing to say to help you be calm. Do you know why you’re so scared and freaked out? From my perspective, the worst thing that could happen from distancing yourself from her is the loss of the few good things you got from her and the fantasy you had with her. You may be lonely for a while and feel empty. I’ve been there and it sucks but it’s survivable. It sounds like there is more you’re scared of – like maybe you’re freaking yourself out thinking there’s something wrong with you.
Star- I am doing NC as much as humanly possible with her being right there. It helps that I’m working all weekend starting tonite. I had just heard a rumor from another neighbor that she may buy a house, so that would have her moving. I don’t see it happening though, due to her finances. I really wish she would go though. I’m not afraid of being distant from her. I really want distance really bad because I feel freaked out and toxic and I can’t stand the anxiety that I have over it. I am about to order some good books on love addiction and codependency. That’s what I think I need, because that’s what makes me be like a magnet to her. I know I have been her N supply and I just don’t wanna be it anymore. The loss of a few good things that I got from her is really nothing, because she was just using me and I did have a fantasy for awhile but it is gone. The bad things about her far outweigh the few good things that I have gotten out of the situation-and I do mean FEW good things.
Liz,
They have fear but not for the things they tell you about. They love drama, they will tell you that they are soooooo afraid of “being accused of being a pedophile” or whatever.
They understand that fear and other emotions are contagious. So they portray the emotions to see what “sticks” to you.
My own spath mom told me every day how much she worried, but it was just to instill fear in me and keep me under her control.
Seriously, read Ann Rule’s “Everything She Ever Wanted.” you will recognize the classic spath behavior. I just finished it. It was so revealing. Poisoning is also classic spath. Whether it’s your body or your mind, there’s no difference to them, they like to plant poisons.
Liz, is it possible for YOU to move? At least when your lease is up? You have been doing so well – working out, losing weight, and a new job. You should really be enjoying your life and basking in your accomplishments, and I’m sorry for the suffering you are going through. There will always be people in your life who project their stuff on you. The antidote for this is to know yourself really really well. That way when people fling shit at you, it won’t stick. The best way to get to know yourself is to spend a lot of time alone without distractions. I absolutely admire you for getting into exercising and for finding other things to do besides watch TV. You will get there, girl. 🙂 How you feel right now is not an indication of what you are made of or how your life will turn out – I hope you can believe that and at least have hope that what you are going through is temporary.
I can only share from my own life path that I have broken so many addictions and still do, but it’s usually when I have no other choice. Recently, my computer was out sick with a virus for 2 weeks. I went into withdrawals. With no other distractions, I meditated every day. Lo and behold, some feelings came up that I never would have looked at if I’d been glued to my computer. Every time this happens, I always feel a little more whole and peaceful afterwards. In this way, addictions can be teachers for us if we can break them. For me, it seems to have gotten easier over the years. Again, I think the more you know yourself, the more you can love yourself, and the easier life gets.