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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I wanted him to be the guy of my dreams, but he’s nothing but a fraud

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Loralei. At the end of her e-mail, I’ll comment on it.

When I was young, I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother. She didn’t give me any black eyes, but I did get slapped, my hair pulled, and it was clear that the world revolved around my mother. I lived in fear, and when I wasn’t the target of her anger, I was ignored.

Fast forward 40 years. I am a successful businesswoman, I live in a nice Chicago suburb, I have friends, I like to help people, and I was tired of not having a love life. For some goofy reason, I posted an ad on Craigslist; I met a really handsome guy named Robert. He said he was a banker, he also said he just got back from Iraq (that he was in the army), he was well dressed, he said he was “going through” a divorce, and he seemed articulate, and nice. We quickly moved into a sexual relationship.

I noticed some odd things. His communication was primarily email or text messages. It was extremely abrupt – no mention of feelings – just very minimal, concise, fact based conversations. And he was a white collar professional (a banker), but he said he just got back from Iraq? He didn’t have a buzz haircut, and he didn’t look terribly in shape.

Checking him out

While I thought I struck the goldmine, an inner voice told me I should check things out. I found that he didn’t live in the town that he said he lived in. I found that he wasn’t “going through” a divorce, but in fact he was already divorced. And I wrote to the military, and found out, yes, he was in the Army, but that was 20 years ago when he was a college student, and he was NEVER in Iraq.

Over the course of weeks and months I learned more. He actually lived in the same home with his ex-wife and their children.

Then he took a business trip, and he told me he took an extra day or two to go to West Point to visit his Army friends (well, of course I knew he never went to West Point) so I snooped and I found that he went to stay for a weekend at a romantic bed and breakfast with another woman. He took other business trips. I was suspicious, and I placed ads on Craigslist under the romantic encounter section in the city he was visiting. Sure enough, he was replying to those ads trying to stir up a one-night stand. Both times I was crushed, I told him straight up he was busted.

Kept falling for him

Yet, stupidly, over the course of weeks and months, I kept falling for this guy. He texted me every morning, “GM,” and every night, “GN,” we emailed and texted all day, we laughed, we flirted. We saw each other periodically, and he was attentive, and kind, and fun, and complimented me and held my hand, and was unfailingly polite. The visits were always during business hours. Why would that be, if he was divorced?

I confronted him with lie after lie. Some he acknowledged, some he ignored. The lies continued, along with the continued flirting, continued sex. I was baffled. I cried all the time. We would have incredible sex, it lasted 4 – 6- 8 hours and then there would be nothing for a whole month. I felt abused. I would tell him how I felt, he said he loved me, but nothing in his behavior changed. He would show no empathy at all. A woman called my home looking for him once – she said they had made plans to meet, and she wondered where he was. I didn’t understand. At one point I was so desperate I reached out to his ex-wife. I asked her if she was still sleeping with him. Her voice got really meek and scared-like, and she said she wasn’t sleeping with him. I thought it was really weird. But it told me she obviously knew about everything, and wanted to bury her head in the sand.

Couldn’t leave him

I tried to break up with him in May of 2009. I cried again. He was distressed. He said he knew he was shallow, he knew he was selfish, and he wanted me to stay. I felt bad, couldn’t leave him. We went back and forth and back and forth for about a year. I would leave him, then he would text me and make me pity him, and I’d go back. Then he would ignore me, and then, before I knew it, we’d be back together again.

It was a very addictive relationship. That fall he introduced me to a bunch of his colleagues as his “wife.” And he took me on a trip to Seattle on a train, and whispered in my ear how everybody could clearly see how in love we were. Were we in love? How could that be, if he spends every night and every weekend with his ex-wife? He said it was his favorite daydream to imagine me being his wife.

I couldn’t understand it. How could a nice, polite, educated man lie to me? So I read books. I read about avoidant personality disorder. I read about psychopathy, antisocial personality disorder, I read about anxiety disorders, I must have read 25 psych books. I read, “When your lover is a liar” and every other book out there.

So do I believe his words? They’re inconsistent. Do I believe his actions? They’re inconsistent too.

I began therapy, and I began to see how the way he was treating me was similar to the way my mother treated me. I invited the abuse on myself, apparently repeating a cycle I learned in childhood. Somehow I got strong enough to finally push away from him. The first few weeks I felt like I was going to die. Every day I think about him, and nearly every day I feel rage, I feel raped. I can’t believe I kept making excuses for him. I can’t believe I got sucked into this fantasy. I wanted him to be the guy of my dreams, but he’s nothing but a fraud. A lovefraud.

My comments: This is a classic Lovefraud story

Loralei’s story has every typical element of a sociopathic relationship. It is a classic Lovefraud story.

First of all, Loralei was abused by her mother. Anyone who has abuse in their history is susceptible to more abuse. The traumatic bonding that takes place during these relationships makes the dynamic of abuse feel normal.

Loralei, I strongly recommend that you read The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. (available on the Lovefraud Store). It explains how abusive relationships affect you, and why it can be difficult to leave them.

Secondly, Loralei’s intuition was working. “An inner voice told me I should check things out,” she wrote. So she did. And she found out that the guy was lying to her. But she continued to see him anyway.

Why? Because Loralei was already addicted to the relationship.

Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. The relationships cause psychological and chemical changes in the brain that make victims feel bonded to the sociopath.

This is especially true when sex is involved. Sex enhances the natural human bonding process—it’s nature’s way of keeping people together to care for children. It doesn’t seem to affect sociopaths—sociopaths are famous for their callous promiscuity. But partners of sociopaths, who feel normal bonding, become attached. That’s why Loralei couldn’t leave him.

So how can Loralei get out of a relationship with a sociopath? She must treat it as the addiction that it is. She must cut off all contact with the guy, cold turkey. No e-mails. No texts. No phone calls. And certainly no get-togethers. Loralei must take it one day at a time. Get through today. Then tomorrow. Then the next day.

If Loralei gives in to her addiction and has contact with him, it will be like a medical relapse, and she’ll have to start all over again. But if she can maintain no contact, each day she’ll get stronger, and his hold on her will be less.

But here’s the most important part of this classic Lovefraud story. As awful as this relationship was, it has a nugget of gold in it. This lying, cheating abuser has brought to the surface Loralei’s original emotional wound—the abuse of her mother. Now, she has the opportunity to process and let go of that deep, awful pain.

Loralei, look at the gift of this situation. Give yourself time and permission to heal. You can do it. And eventually, if you want, you’ll be able to attract a healthy, satisfying relationship.


Comment on this article

34 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I wanted him to be the guy of my dreams, but he’s nothing but a fraud"

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Hi Donna,

Your advice is right on target! The story sounds like mine, other than that my spath ex-husband was not already married. We were young, and I didn’t know about emotional abuse/neglect at that time. But since I’ve been free of my ex-husband, I have been able to see how I walked right into that relationship, thanks to the relationship with my mother, which made “normal” the behavior I eventually got with the ex-husband. I also have a sibling whose sociopathic traits are all too visible now that I know about spaths.

I am still hoping to have a healthy relationship, but I admit I am afraid to get hurt again.

Donna, I am reading your book and enjoying it. Thanks for your hard work here and with the book!

Dear Donna,
Good analysis!
That nugget of gold you spoke of is exactly what I’ve been dealing with. What kind of person was I to let this into my life to begin with and why did I put up with so much? I realized there was abuse in my childhood and I had conveniently tucked that in the back of my mind. I minimized what had really happened. Now, I’m processing all of that. The gift of self-knowledge cannot be emphasized enough. Life is a journey and it’s more about the journey than the destination, I have learned.
Donna, I really want to read more on the changes that go on in the brain. That intrigues me so much! Are there articles here that I missed or are there books out on this particular subject. Are these changes similar to what happens when someone is addicted to drugs?

Loralei, you are not alone. I also chose to ignore the obvious and put up with far more garbage than I ever should have. LF is a wonderful place to come to heal.

annemarie56. I, too, am afraid of the the hurt and I know that right now, I’m not ready for that. I DO believe there is a time when that will change though 🙂

That bonding hormone sinks deep into our brains—whether it is from sexual intimacy with these people or the intimacy we have with our psychopathic children —-it binds us almost like an IRON Chain!

Dear Breathless,

I’m glad that you are doing better and not still falling for this guy’;s lies. I suggest at this point though that you go No Contact with him. Block his texts emails and calls—he will continue to try to contact you and for your sake you will be better off not even knwing when he is trying to contact you.

As for the preg girl friend and his current wife (or wives?) you are probably better off just backing off. You can’t save them unfortunately, they have to save themselves. They KNOW what he is now, so if they choose to continue to associate with him, listen to him, sleep with him, etc. they are the ones binding themselves to him. They will eventually be discarded, just as he discarded you, and he will keep going back to them too, trying to always keep a “supply” of sex and victims.
I\
I suggest you stay around here and read the old articles in the archives, knowledge=power and there is a gold mine of knowledge here to help you learn about them, and about yourself and how to keep from letting another psychopath get next to your heart. They all have “red flags” as indicators of their bad intentions, and as soon as you see one,, RUN!

Again, welcome! God bless.

Thanks for posting the information about the inner voice and nugget of gold , I absolutely agree. In my process of healing from the abuse of a past relationship, which sounds hauntingly similiar to the stories being posted. The abuse and pain I experienced acted as a catalyst to delve deeper into myself and pay attention to my emotions. I was able to discover why I was so addicted to the drama and the hurt. I truly believe all things happen for a reason. I confronted my pain and healed old wounds. In taking care of myself, I was able to see with a clearer lens why I was so attracted to a sociopath. I got over the man I thought I needed to love me. I learned to love myself which is so much more attractive than my neediness of the past. As for the inner voice, I had a ping of terror the first time I met the sociopath I used to be in love with. I ignored it. That was obvioulsy there for a reason. He was recently arrested for murder in our county , caught by the police with the corpse of a man he murdered in broad daylight.

Dear Jlmfp1,

Welcome to LF, and I am glad that you survived to get here! Glad that you are healing and taking care of yourself. Glad too that your X will be off the streets for a while! (((((HUGS)))) and God continue to bless you—I know He already has, because i t is not your murder that the P is being arrested for!

Loralei:

Same church, different pew.

Like you I grew up with extremely abusive parents — both emotion and physical in my case — and I mean extreme physical. Although to this day I say that I could shrug the beatings off, it was the words that did the real damage.

In any case, while I was very successful in my professional life, my personal life was chaos. I lurched from one disastrous relationship to another. On the cusp of 50, I met my “Mr Wonderful”. Like you, I began to question what I was told right up front. Like you, I tossed his background and came across all kinds of damning things. But, unlike you, I proceeded to put myself through 15 months of hell, finally reaching my limit in November of 2008 and driving him off.

I managed to wreak some revenge on my S-ex. That said, it was all “clinical”. I used my legal skills and nailed him through the IRS, sent his creditors after him, etc. But, more importantly, I finally got really clear about how my parents conditioned me to accept this kind of horrendous behavior. And I got really clear about what I was looking for and expected in a partner.

My life is really good now. After a year out of work, I landed a wonderful job 6 months ago. I met a really wonderful man 16 months ago who treats me really well, and also has all the qualities I realized I was entitled to — kindness, responsibility (both for his life, his finances, etc). And yes, you can find all that AND have a dynamite sex life.

Besides the Betrayal Bond I strongly recommend you read “If You Had Controlling Parents” by Dan Neuharth. You need to understand the kinds of control your mother exercised over you — and trust me it goes way beyond what you described — before you can understand the betrayal bond syndrome.

Good luck. You are in a place of healing.

HEY MATT!!!!!!
🙂

I just noticed there is a netlibrary with Ebooks…..the betrayal bond being one available.

My local library doesn’t have access to netlibrary….but there are many libraries involved.

Check it out……it might be a good resource for those with limited funds!

Dear OxDrover,

Thank You so much for the kind and encouraging response 🙂 Its nice to be here and be blessed with such wonderful information and people that have the courage to share their experience. My blessings are bigger than words can express, I never would have had the space to appreciate any of them until I cleared the garbage from my life.

Smiles 🙂

FOR CHEAP BOOKS—Amazon.com and barnes and noble dot com, you can find most of the books we recommend there for a few bucks and usually $3.99 shipping sometimes on Amazon I get books for $2.99 and free shipping. Used paper backs are wonderful for those of us with limited funds (count me in there!) you can accumulate a nice enough library of great helpful books for just a few bucks.

If you don’t have a credit card to order on line, you can get one of those pre-pay credit cards and use that.

In the meantime, keep in mind there are 700+ pages here of great articles plus all the comments here at LF and Lots of stuff on the net. ((((Hughs)))))) KNOWLEDGE=POWER

jlmfp1:
Welcome to LF!
I will second everything that Oxy said.

I’m glad you found Lf….there is so very much info here.

I’m also glad your spath is incarcerated now…..
unfortunately…..a man had to die for this to happen…..but society is safeNOW!
And you too.

You’ve come along way baby…..I wish the best to you!!!!

I’m sorry.

@ breathless
Do whatever you can to get him as far from you as possible. I had a situation where a current gf contacted me and I told her how he had been with me in the past. He countered by saying that most of what I said wasn’t the whole truth, but some of wasn’t untrue. He wrote me a nasty threatening email, and it was at this point I cut off all communication, changing my phone number, blocking both he and his girlfriend (who wrote me a nasty message after I had taken the time to try to help her). She ended up going back to him, even though he owed her thousands, a family friend thousands, she bought into his “I’ll get counseling”. I share only two acquaintances with him, they old family friends, became very very close friends of mine.
I avoided them for nine months, worried because I had to tell them why I would never come to another party for their son (the ex-s brother, wife, and kids all hang out with them for parties, fairs, things like that). They aren’t terrible people, or anything, but I don’t want ANY info about my life to find its way back to him. I am dead serious about cutting his presence out of my life.
Lucky for me, when I finally told them an abbreviated version in June, they hugged me, and told me they wished i had talked to them sooner.
Over the years we have developed a deep friendship. I thank God I don’t have to give that up. The truth is, though, if that is what it took to avoid him, I would do it. Thank goodness I don’t have to.
Do whatever it takes. Your life will be the better for it.

I am approaching 2-years – NO CONTACT.

He went to jail for his child support a couple of months ago. When he got out – after not hearing from him since 2008 – He sent me a text and told me he missed me and wanted to have sex. I just ignored it. Maybe he remembered that I had told him that he would be off the hook for child support after I am dead.

It is true. No contact is the cure. Any contact and it starts issues in your head that you had ‘resolved’. After the text came in from him, every text message for two or three weeks had me jumping out of my skin. It was a panic…I couldn’t not read them…I had to read them….even though it made me feel weak. It was like being a smoker – quitting – and walking through a cloud of second hand smoke after being smoke free for two-years. Only a smoker will understand that analogy.

But staying strong is key. I ignored them, and they stopped. He doesn’t know where I live. Or where I work…

I started trying to extricate myself from him in 2001. I felt like i was trying to cut off my arm. The pain was incredible. But I still have both arms, both legs and my sanity like I had never known. I stopped thinking in the constant fog that I had known all my life, and see things and people much clearer, and can make decisions about relationships like never before.

Dear Know better now,

CONGRATULATIONS on your 2 years of being “Smoke free” LOL Yea, the smoke they blow up your arse! LOL

Seriously, congratulations! I’m sorry you got the text message but glad you were strong enough to resist.

I quit smoking about a year ago, and every once in a while I get that URGE but then I remember how every time I laughed, I coughed til I turned blue! Every time I inhaled a cig I coughed til I turned blue. Now I don’t cough! I can laugh and talk and joke and don’t cough! So any time I get that urge I think about the OLD DAYS—and I no longer want one. Even if someone is smoking around me I don’t get the urge!

I’m getting that way about the relation-chits too—no pain without them. Sure, once in a while I might get this tiny temptation, but all I have to do is remember the PAIN!

Glad you’re doing well! (((Hugs)))

Ckitten:
Great advice!

We’ve got to be willing to give it ALL up….if that’s what it takes.

Good for you!

Knowbetter:
Jail…..HA!
Mine will be joining him soon…..

It’s just amazing how they just don’t ‘getit’.

No contact is the only way!
When they do pop out of the woodwork….(and they do)….it throws us off balance…..
But since we’ve been working out on the ‘balance ball’…we can catch our balance quicker than before.

It’s the work we’ve been doing that gets us ‘here’.

Thanks ErinBrock,

Yes, I have come a long way. It was 12 years of my life, starting at a naive 19 yrs old that I became the focal point of an obsessed man that I just couldnt escape, he kept tabs on me even when we were apart . Its sad that law enforcement did not take his stalking and violence seriously, he manipulated his way out of responsibility by playing the victim and blaming me. His most recent crime (murder) just recently happened,less than 2 months ago. I pray that justice will be served and he will no longer have the opportunity to destroy.

I agree with “No Contact” advice. I was given the same suggestion by a person who helped me tremendously throughout my escape. I didnt understand the danger I was in, but I just trusted her and followed instruction.I became stronger each time I rejected his communication attempts. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, but the most rewarding. The self esteem and strength I gained from breaking away is astounding.

Best wishes to all. You can do it – your worth it. Happiness matters 🙂

Hi, thank you for the support. Somehow seeing my story in print validates my experience.

I have two questions.

1) In my story (the Iraq Banker), his ex-wife seemed to be aware of all of this and stuck her head in the sand. What gives with that? Is she a sociopath too?

2) If you break the “no contact’ game, why does it put you at ground zero all over again? Is it something chemical? Psychological? And what exactly is the definition of no contact?

Thank you again, you’ve all been great.

Loralei.

Dear Loralei,

To answer your questions (others may have different answers)
1. She is probably in denial, afraid to face the pain of admitting what she actually deep down fears is true. I’ve been there and most of us here have been.
2. The contact, even to tell them “off” rips the “scabs” of healing off the wounds, psychologically and chemically in our brains.

Definition of no contact: Block their calls, texts, e mails. Do not respond even if you get one. Best to not even read it, unless you have a child with them and you MUST…even then if you can get someone else to screen them it is better than reading them yourself.

Seeing the “I love yous” and the “I hate you, you piece of filth” or anything else they say to you will make you either angry or sad or wanting to go back to them.

Being NC helps your brain regain sanity and peace. Believe me, it is almost impossible to heal from them wihtout it.

First it is physical NO Contact, then it becomes emotional no contact. It takes TIME so don’t rush it. God bless. Hang in there and keep on reading and learning.

Dear Breathless,

I’m so glad that you are away from this man. I strongly suggest that you do not take any more of his calls, texts, etc. or if you end up answering one, hang up as soon as you know who it is….don’t listen or interact with him.

Do you know why your relationship with your father is strained? Does he treat you well or not? “Repairing” your relationship with him needs to be a 2-way street as he needs to treat you with respect and to also want the relationship as well. Take care of YOU.

Learning about yourself and why you allowed more than one psychopathic relationship is the biggest part of the healing process I think. And, yes, we do try to replace what we feel is “missing” from our lives. The Ps, however “love bomb” is and convince us with lots of attention that they think we are special, and it is like a fat worm on the end of a fish hook, just BAIT to reel us in. They mirror back at us what we most want to see. Learning to spot that and other “red flags” is the best protection we can have.

There are so many wonderful and insightful articles here in the archives at LF. READ READ READ and learn as much as you can, it will become your armor as well as the salve to heal your heart! (((Hugs))))

Thank you for telling your story. You could help us all by telling us how you went about researching him and getting into the details of his life so you had some facts to deal with.

I was able to hire a PI to follow my ex – but my financial resources were limited and if there is any way you know of that could help others look into potential suitors backgrounds that doesnt’ cost an arm and a leg, it would certainly be helpful.

Mine is on Craig’s list and other dating sites and pity any woman who answers his ad, because – just like your liar, mine was also very convincing and skilled at deception – so over the top and riddled with details, that you almost can’t “not believe” the stories.

I’ll be buying The Betrayal Bond myself, because like you, even 1-1/2 years after he is physically gone from my life, and divorce is expected to be final this week, I still struggle with the fact that anyone could betray my trust like my ex did.

The thought of even trying again with someone new scares me, because I now have to re-train myself and become skilled myself at reading the warning signs and making sure this never happens to me again. Dating sites – ladies beware – I bet there are more of them out there than we could ever imagine.

They use our desire for love and our trusting natures to ensnare us, and sex or lack of sex, to keep the control happening. They don’t “feel” but they know we do, and they know exactly what it takes to keep us justifying their actions and stay with them.

No contact is wonderful advice. I have finally gotten close to that, but am having to extracate myself slower than I want, because we have a company together which really has made it harder. Mine used the company (sued me) to put pressure on me about the divorce and get more $$. One of the best things that has happened to me, through that, is the Corporate Lawyer wrote him and basically told him – if you have something to say, do it through me – so I no longer wake up to 30 emails a day meant to pressure me to do what he wants or what he says.

Appauld yourself for picking up on the warning signs and be grateful you were able to access so much information about him, so you were standing on solid ground when you confronted him. It is validating when you actually have FACTS to deal with. I was lied to for 17 years and that PI I hired, saved my life.

Learn now to fight the wounded self-esteem that many of us bring into our adult lives from our childhoods.

His wife must be in a living hell – so we should all hope that one day she gets the strength to “kick him to the curb”.

I hope you can come back with information as to resources, and affordable options for those of us who need the tools to check for facts before we get taken.

Hiya Breathless 79

As I was reading your post I was sooo impressed by your detective work. I was like ‘man we need ladies like this in my job’ (I work in Child Protection in the UK a prime hotbed of naturally nosy snoopy people ‘on a mission’).

For snoop – substitute – thoroughly effective investigator!!! LOL

Good on you – hope that you’re able to use all the information to make sure that you get completely free of all this carp and totally protect yourself!

Blessings

Delta 1

To Breathless79,

I can relate to your past history regarding the absence of a father. I believe that is what made the past toxic relationship I was in acceptable, it was familiar to me. I was still the little girl blaming myself for my fathers neglect and abuse. I had been estranged from my father for 19 years. In my healing , I chose to confont him. It was ironic that the beginning stages of being reunited were just like the high of the reuniting with the sociopath. However, time revealed his true colors . Now 5 years later, there is little contact , my fathers efforts were inconsistent .As a result ,the relationship ( if you want to call it that) has dwindled to almost nothing. I used to believe I had to suffer to recieve love -but that was a lie.

OxDrover is correct, take care of YOU, relationships require reciprocty.

Best of Luck 🙂

Dear Breathless,

I’m glad you talked to the PO on this, but don’t think he will be in jail or prison forever—no matter what he has done! They get out, so while he is gone, take care of yourself and keep your cards close to your chest!

Keep on praying, but also keep on taking care of yourself! Believe me I have enough dealings with criminal psychopaths, including my own son, to know just how dangerous they can be! (((Hugs)))) and my Prayers for your safety!

Breathless and I both did some snooping. Intellius is a gold mine and gives you a lot for $15.00. Divorce records are a matter of public record. If you go to the court house, you can get a copy of the entire filing (with SSN’s removed) for about $2, it spells out addresses and property and asset ownership. Sometimes you can read between the lines. Military records are a matter of public record, you can write to them and they’ll provide whatevery information they can provide (legally). Classmates, Facebook and Linked In are all treasure troves. They can tell you who else knows your sociopath so you can always approach your investigation from a different angle. Simple google searches can turn up amazing things. Just listen closely and your sociopath will likely tell you where to look. They love flirting with danger.

Dear Donna, Thank you for the link! I read the article and it makes sense. I was a sheep! It IS an addiction of sorts, I can remember feeling a false sense of security when he was still around and while a part of me knew it was false, I STILL allowed it.
One of the great parts of what we’ve all been through is that it opens us up for learning about ourself and why we allowed the things we did.

We stay despite knowing the truth about their lies. We stay because we think that somehow what WE have with them is “special” and they won’t want to lose the ONE relationship in their life that had meaning. The truth is, there was NEVER any meaning. The only meaning was in our imagination. The man we IMAGINED them to be. I do believe that there is a core and the core is good. But the thing about these people is that their core is so walled off it’s impermeable. NOTHING can get through. Not us, not anyone. Hell, they can’t even reach it. It’s sad really. But we need to be thankful that we can feel empathy and love and emotions. Imagine life without knowing what that’s like. Too bad these monsters use our sensitivity to their benefit.

One of the things I think that we forget once we immerse ourselves in knowledge about sociopaths is that most people have absolutely NO clue just how very present and real they are in most of our lives. The denial of their transgressions against us, and the belief in our “special” relationship with them is predicated by an idea that everyone is capable of change and truly good at heart.

For myself, it took three and a half years to even remember just how bad it had been and to recognize him for what he was … some form of narcissist or sociopath. I now look around and see them or forms of them everywhere.

I had a WONDERFUL childhood with loving, healthy parents who gave me complete unconditional love. How did I get to the point where I could be led into such utter darkness?

My parents became part of a fundamental church run by a very spiritually abusive man when I was 10. Women were not celebrated, absolute forgiveness was preached. What they neglected to mention was that to forgive was not to trust or to change anyone else. God has absolute forgiveness for us, but does he sit around trusting us? Nawp … a lesson that went neglected.

My parents were older and very naive about relationships. They were so loving and married earlier … not a perfect relationship, but loving and healthy. Their only advice had been to pray about my relationships, to not have sex before marriage, and to seek only God’s will for my future husband. I love ’em, but it wasn’t enough.

When I left the church, I was angry, and very, very vulnerable. Guess when I met the SP? Yep.

All I can say is that now I am focused on educating young people and young adults. Just a couple of weeks ago, a new co-worker and I were talking and the subject came up. Apparently the guy she had JUST broken up with had a lot of those traits. Because we talked and she is now doing research, she can at least make some peace with what happened to her.
She won’t go back now that she truly understands what he is.

It is my mission to help people understand so they don’t go there in the first place. Love you all!

Ckitten,

Your comments about “forgiveness” and “trust” are so right [email protected]!!! Unfortunately, the same person who preaches “absolute forgivness” (including restoring trust instantly) is the same one who will usually hold a grudge untiil the cows come home! The abusive use of “religion” cloaked as spirituality has been used to cover abuse for centuries, so is nothing new at all. It predated Christ and was something he preached against, and in reality was what caused the Pharisees to hate him and to plot to get FALSE WITNESSES to condemn Him so he could be crucified. The men who were seeking the false witnesses were so “holy”—at least they presented themselves as such. LOL It continues today!

I’m glad that you have a mission to use the knowledge and wisdom you have gained from your experience with the psychopath! I think that each of us in our own ways spread the “gospel” of recovery from these experiences! Do I hear an AMEN! ((((Hugs)))))

I love the answer to this letter so much I posted a link to it on my blog. I have so been there.

Now I am fighting to make him accountable and you should see the lies he tells in his court documents! All he does is lie, and like this person, my radar went off and I married him anyway, went back to him anyway, moved to a state I never wanted to live in and it was a trick!

The point of seeing the “gold” might not come right away. I know lady who used to run a big victim support group in Illinois who is now running for office, told me I might find some way that what I have been through might help others. I was so not there when she said it. I didn’t think it would ever happen.

I too have a history of abuse in my childhood. And a big breakthrough for me was learning that I learned to love people who hurt me. Not just learned but needed to do it, for the false sense of security as a child.

ckitten, After he abused me, lied to me, etc, I felt I should give him grace! And the repayment for that grace was tricking me out of literally everything and into moving to another state, as I mentioned. I still gave him grace, and went to live with him so he could make amends, since he wasn’t going to be held accountable by law enforcement. I always felt he could at least be accountable personally and yes, I believed people could be redeemed! Not him. He cannot be redeemed. I know this now. It took him pulling the last scam on me and my listening to my own tape recordings of his psychotic babblings. And, I had given him an excuse of blackouts, which he admitted on tape weren’t so. He says he remembered everything and if I didn’t want to see those reactions I shouldn’t cause them!

Illinois is a two party consent to record calls and that is a darn shame. Since this letter writer is from Chicago, perhaps she can do something to change that.

Thanks Hestian–yes, we can use our new-found wisdom to help others…in both large and small ways. Sometimes just sharing or a kind word means a great deal…more than we may ever know.

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