Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Loralei, who wrote about meeting the “guy of her dreams.” At the end of her e-mail, I’ll comment on it.
When I was young, I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother. She didn’t give me any black eyes, but I did get slapped, my hair pulled, and it was clear that the world revolved around my mother. I lived in fear, and when I wasn’t the target of her anger, I was ignored.
Fast forward 40 years. I am a successful businesswoman, I live in a nice Chicago suburb, I have friends, I like to help people, and I was tired of not having a love life. For some goofy reason, I posted an ad on Craigslist; I met a really handsome guy named Robert. He said he was a banker, he also said he just got back from Iraq (that he was in the army), he was well dressed, he said he was “going through” a divorce, and he seemed articulate, and nice. We quickly moved into a sexual relationship.
I noticed some odd things. His communication was primarily email or text messages. It was extremely abrupt – no mention of feelings – just very minimal, concise, fact based conversations. And he was a white collar professional (a banker), but he said he just got back from Iraq? He didn’t have a buzz haircut, and he didn’t look terribly in shape.
Checking him out
While I thought I struck the goldmine, an inner voice told me I should check things out. I found that he didn’t live in the town that he said he lived in. I found that he wasn’t “going through” a divorce, but in fact he was already divorced. And I wrote to the military, and found out, yes, he was in the Army, but that was 20 years ago when he was a college student, and he was NEVER in Iraq.
Over the course of weeks and months I learned more. He actually lived in the same home with his ex-wife and their children.
Then he took a business trip, and he told me he took an extra day or two to go to West Point to visit his Army friends (well, of course I knew he never went to West Point) so I snooped and I found that he went to stay for a weekend at a romantic bed and breakfast with another woman. He took other business trips. I was suspicious, and I placed ads on Craigslist under the romantic encounter section in the city he was visiting. Sure enough, he was replying to those ads trying to stir up a one-night stand. Both times I was crushed, I told him straight up he was busted.
Kept falling for him
Yet, stupidly, over the course of weeks and months, I kept falling for this guy. He texted me every morning, “GM,” and every night, “GN,” we emailed and texted all day, we laughed, we flirted. We saw each other periodically, and he was attentive, and kind, and fun, and complimented me and held my hand, and was unfailingly polite. The visits were always during business hours. Why would that be, if he was divorced?
I confronted him with lie after lie. Some he acknowledged, some he ignored. The lies continued, along with the continued flirting, continued sex. I was baffled. I cried all the time. We would have incredible sex, it lasted 4 – 6- 8 hours and then there would be nothing for a whole month. I felt abused. I would tell him how I felt, he said he loved me, but nothing in his behavior changed. He would show no empathy at all. A woman called my home looking for him once – she said they had made plans to meet, and she wondered where he was. I didn’t understand. At one point I was so desperate I reached out to his ex-wife. I asked her if she was still sleeping with him. Her voice got really meek and scared-like, and she said she wasn’t sleeping with him. I thought it was really weird. But it told me she obviously knew about everything, and wanted to bury her head in the sand.
Couldn’t leave him
I tried to break up with him in May of 2009. I cried again. He was distressed. He said he knew he was shallow, he knew he was selfish, and he wanted me to stay. I felt bad, couldn’t leave him. We went back and forth and back and forth for about a year. I would leave him, then he would text me and make me pity him, and I’d go back. Then he would ignore me, and then, before I knew it, we’d be back together again.
It was a very addictive relationship. That fall he introduced me to a bunch of his colleagues as his “wife.” And he took me on a trip to Seattle on a train, and whispered in my ear how everybody could clearly see how in love we were. Were we in love? How could that be, if he spends every night and every weekend with his ex-wife? He said it was his favorite daydream to imagine me being his wife.
I couldn’t understand it. How could a nice, polite, educated man lie to me? So I read books. I read about avoidant personality disorder. I read about psychopathy, antisocial personality disorder, I read about anxiety disorders, I must have read 25 psych books. I read, “When your lover is a liar” and every other book out there.
So do I believe his words? They’re inconsistent. Do I believe his actions? They’re inconsistent too.
I began therapy, and I began to see how the way he was treating me was similar to the way my mother treated me. I invited the abuse on myself, apparently repeating a cycle I learned in childhood. Somehow I got strong enough to finally push away from him. The first few weeks I felt like I was going to die. Every day I think about him, and nearly every day I feel rage, I feel raped. I can’t believe I kept making excuses for him. I can’t believe I got sucked into this fantasy. I wanted him to be the guy of my dreams, but he’s nothing but a fraud. A lovefraud.
My comments: This is a classic Lovefraud
Loralei’s story has every typical element of a sociopathic relationship. It is a classic Lovefraud story.
First of all, Loralei was abused by her mother. Anyone who has abuse in their history is susceptible to more abuse. The traumatic bonding that takes place during these relationships makes the dynamic of abuse feel normal.
Loralei, I strongly recommend that you read The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. It explains how abusive relationships affect you, and why it can be difficult to leave them.
Secondly, Loralei’s intuition was working. “An inner voice told me I should check things out,” she wrote. So she did. And she found out that the guy was lying to her. But she continued to see him anyway.
Why? Because Loralei was already addicted to the relationship.
Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. The relationships cause psychological and chemical changes in the brain that make victims feel bonded to the sociopath.
This is especially true when sex is involved. Sex enhances the natural human bonding process—it’s nature’s way of keeping people together to care for children. It doesn’t seem to affect sociopaths—sociopaths are famous for their callous promiscuity. But partners of sociopaths, who feel normal bonding, become attached. That’s why Loralei couldn’t leave him.
So how can Loralei get out of a relationship with a sociopath? She must treat it as the addiction that it is. She must cut off all contact with the guy, cold turkey. No e-mails. No texts. No phone calls. And certainly no get-togethers. Loralei must take it one day at a time. Get through today. Then tomorrow. Then the next day.
If Loralei gives in to her addiction and has contact with him, it will be like a medical relapse, and she’ll have to start all over again. But if she can maintain no contact, each day she’ll get stronger, and his hold on her will be less.
But here’s the most important part of this classic Lovefraud story. As awful as this relationship was, it has a nugget of gold in it. This lying, cheating abuser has brought to the surface Loralei’s original emotional wound—the abuse of her mother. Now, she has the opportunity to process and let go of that deep, awful pain.
Loralei, look at the gift of this situation. Give yourself time and permission to heal. You can do it. And eventually, if you want, you’ll be able to attract a healthy, satisfying relationship.
Learn more: Maybe you’re not codependent — you’re traumatized
Lovefraud originally posted this story on August 16, 2010.
10 translations of ‘I love you,’ when spoken by a sociopath
Dear Loralei,
To answer your questions (others may have different answers)
1. She is probably in denial, afraid to face the pain of admitting what she actually deep down fears is true. I’ve been there and most of us here have been.
2. The contact, even to tell them “off” rips the “scabs” of healing off the wounds, psychologically and chemically in our brains.
Definition of no contact: Block their calls, texts, e mails. Do not respond even if you get one. Best to not even read it, unless you have a child with them and you MUST…even then if you can get someone else to screen them it is better than reading them yourself.
Seeing the “I love yous” and the “I hate you, you piece of filth” or anything else they say to you will make you either angry or sad or wanting to go back to them.
Being NC helps your brain regain sanity and peace. Believe me, it is almost impossible to heal from them wihtout it.
First it is physical NO Contact, then it becomes emotional no contact. It takes TIME so don’t rush it. God bless. Hang in there and keep on reading and learning.
Loralei,
I’m glad you posted. Regarding your questions:
1) The ex-wife – if she sounded meek and scared, it is quite possible she is not a sociopath. However, she may be so far under his control that she sees no way out. She may feel that she can’t leave him because she can’t survive on her own. She may be “doing it for the kids.” Maybe she’s dependent on him financially. In any event, she probably feels like she has no options.
2) No contact means having no interaction with him whatsoever. No phone calls, no texts, no visits, and above all, no sex.
Sociopaths manipulate everyone, and if you have any interaction with you, he will attempt to manipulate you again. Quite frankly, they are experts at this, his goal is to get you back under his control.
Remember, part of the hook is chemical, in the form of hormones and enzymes, and you’ll feel the effects of all those chemicals again, which will make it difficult to resist him.
Dear Breathless,
I’m so glad that you are away from this man. I strongly suggest that you do not take any more of his calls, texts, etc. or if you end up answering one, hang up as soon as you know who it is….don’t listen or interact with him.
Do you know why your relationship with your father is strained? Does he treat you well or not? “Repairing” your relationship with him needs to be a 2-way street as he needs to treat you with respect and to also want the relationship as well. Take care of YOU.
Learning about yourself and why you allowed more than one psychopathic relationship is the biggest part of the healing process I think. And, yes, we do try to replace what we feel is “missing” from our lives. The Ps, however “love bomb” is and convince us with lots of attention that they think we are special, and it is like a fat worm on the end of a fish hook, just BAIT to reel us in. They mirror back at us what we most want to see. Learning to spot that and other “red flags” is the best protection we can have.
There are so many wonderful and insightful articles here in the archives at LF. READ READ READ and learn as much as you can, it will become your armor as well as the salve to heal your heart! (((Hugs))))
Thank you for telling your story. You could help us all by telling us how you went about researching him and getting into the details of his life so you had some facts to deal with.
I was able to hire a PI to follow my ex – but my financial resources were limited and if there is any way you know of that could help others look into potential suitors backgrounds that doesnt’ cost an arm and a leg, it would certainly be helpful.
Mine is on Craig’s list and other dating sites and pity any woman who answers his ad, because – just like your liar, mine was also very convincing and skilled at deception – so over the top and riddled with details, that you almost can’t “not believe” the stories.
I’ll be buying The Betrayal Bond myself, because like you, even 1-1/2 years after he is physically gone from my life, and divorce is expected to be final this week, I still struggle with the fact that anyone could betray my trust like my ex did.
The thought of even trying again with someone new scares me, because I now have to re-train myself and become skilled myself at reading the warning signs and making sure this never happens to me again. Dating sites – ladies beware – I bet there are more of them out there than we could ever imagine.
They use our desire for love and our trusting natures to ensnare us, and sex or lack of sex, to keep the control happening. They don’t “feel” but they know we do, and they know exactly what it takes to keep us justifying their actions and stay with them.
No contact is wonderful advice. I have finally gotten close to that, but am having to extracate myself slower than I want, because we have a company together which really has made it harder. Mine used the company (sued me) to put pressure on me about the divorce and get more $$. One of the best things that has happened to me, through that, is the Corporate Lawyer wrote him and basically told him – if you have something to say, do it through me – so I no longer wake up to 30 emails a day meant to pressure me to do what he wants or what he says.
Appauld yourself for picking up on the warning signs and be grateful you were able to access so much information about him, so you were standing on solid ground when you confronted him. It is validating when you actually have FACTS to deal with. I was lied to for 17 years and that PI I hired, saved my life.
Learn now to fight the wounded self-esteem that many of us bring into our adult lives from our childhoods.
His wife must be in a living hell – so we should all hope that one day she gets the strength to “kick him to the curb”.
I hope you can come back with information as to resources, and affordable options for those of us who need the tools to check for facts before we get taken.
Hiya Breathless 79
As I was reading your post I was sooo impressed by your detective work. I was like ‘man we need ladies like this in my job’ (I work in Child Protection in the UK a prime hotbed of naturally nosy snoopy people ‘on a mission’).
For snoop – substitute – thoroughly effective investigator!!! LOL
Good on you – hope that you’re able to use all the information to make sure that you get completely free of all this carp and totally protect yourself!
Blessings
Delta 1
To Breathless79,
I can relate to your past history regarding the absence of a father. I believe that is what made the past toxic relationship I was in acceptable, it was familiar to me. I was still the little girl blaming myself for my fathers neglect and abuse. I had been estranged from my father for 19 years. In my healing , I chose to confont him. It was ironic that the beginning stages of being reunited were just like the high of the reuniting with the sociopath. However, time revealed his true colors . Now 5 years later, there is little contact , my fathers efforts were inconsistent .As a result ,the relationship ( if you want to call it that) has dwindled to almost nothing. I used to believe I had to suffer to recieve love -but that was a lie.
OxDrover is correct, take care of YOU, relationships require reciprocty.
Best of Luck 🙂
Dear Breathless,
I’m glad you talked to the PO on this, but don’t think he will be in jail or prison forever—no matter what he has done! They get out, so while he is gone, take care of yourself and keep your cards close to your chest!
Keep on praying, but also keep on taking care of yourself! Believe me I have enough dealings with criminal psychopaths, including my own son, to know just how dangerous they can be! (((Hugs)))) and my Prayers for your safety!
Breathless and I both did some snooping. Intellius is a gold mine and gives you a lot for $15.00. Divorce records are a matter of public record. If you go to the court house, you can get a copy of the entire filing (with SSN’s removed) for about $2, it spells out addresses and property and asset ownership. Sometimes you can read between the lines. Military records are a matter of public record, you can write to them and they’ll provide whatevery information they can provide (legally). Classmates, Facebook and Linked In are all treasure troves. They can tell you who else knows your sociopath so you can always approach your investigation from a different angle. Simple google searches can turn up amazing things. Just listen closely and your sociopath will likely tell you where to look. They love flirting with danger.
Dear Donna, Thank you for the link! I read the article and it makes sense. I was a sheep! It IS an addiction of sorts, I can remember feeling a false sense of security when he was still around and while a part of me knew it was false, I STILL allowed it.
One of the great parts of what we’ve all been through is that it opens us up for learning about ourself and why we allowed the things we did.
We stay despite knowing the truth about their lies. We stay because we think that somehow what WE have with them is “special” and they won’t want to lose the ONE relationship in their life that had meaning. The truth is, there was NEVER any meaning. The only meaning was in our imagination. The man we IMAGINED them to be. I do believe that there is a core and the core is good. But the thing about these people is that their core is so walled off it’s impermeable. NOTHING can get through. Not us, not anyone. Hell, they can’t even reach it. It’s sad really. But we need to be thankful that we can feel empathy and love and emotions. Imagine life without knowing what that’s like. Too bad these monsters use our sensitivity to their benefit.