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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it!

Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”

We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.

But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.

How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”

When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.

As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.

I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!

If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.

That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.

I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.

If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!

The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!

I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!

We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”

We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!

The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.

I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!


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146 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it!"

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Good points Adelle….we must try on and walk in the shoes that we choose, shoes that fit…and not allow someone else to tell us what size to wear or place the blame for their bad acts on us with projection. GREAT POINTS!

If the shoe fits, wear it, if it doesn’t fit, do NOT wear it!

Oh, Adelle, your post really hit home for me. My ex Spath would tell me those exact words, “You are jealous and controlling”. I always hated being told that because I always felt that he was putting an unfair label on me. He convinced everyone else that this is who I was, a contolling, jealous, mean girl. He would let me know how nobody liked me. I never understood what I did to ‘everybody” for them to not like me. Like you said, I wore these ill fit shoes for years and years. I believed the lies, but unfortunately, so did everyone else. I could not prove my innocence.

I don’t wear the shoes he gave me anymore. But I also want others to know that I do not. I want to clear my name.

I realize now that all those people who believed those shoes were mine, didn’t care to know me and are not worth knowing.

Thank you for your post. Wow! I can’t tell you how many times I heard those same exact words.

GREAT POST Adelle!

Adelle:

Great post! I could really relate to everything you said. And then with what sisterhood commented with as well. My ex made me out to be crazy, unstable. His family never took the time to get to know me, but all gave me the cold shoulder and disliked me for reasons I didn’t understand. At the end of our relationship, his mom was making these random comments to me and I realized he was “poisoning the well,” creating a web of lies and deciet in order to create pity ploys for his mother and ciphon money from her.

I actually believed I was the abuser. Toward the end, when I just could not contain my hurt and pain was seeping out of me in all directions, I did get ugly. And the anger and ugliness was a wake up call to me about how seriously askew things were. I was still off balance, and not quite sure what was going on except his major drug addiction back in full swing and evidence that he was cheating on me with multiple woman all around. He didn’t even bother to hide it. I was suspicious and looked at his phone and saw multilple calls and texts from different women. When confronted, he told me that was what I got for snooping around! And that he thought things were over with me because of how I was treating him! So that made it all excusable!

We went to couples counseling, what a freaking joke! The counselor basically blamed me for his drug relapse. I was “controlling” because I demanded he leave my home after a month of telling him I wanted him out. He decided to turn around and use drugs. Both the therapist and his mother blamed me! It was awful. And I bought into it. For many months. I finally got rid of him back in June, but it took him going to jail to help me finally go NC with him.

It bothers me that people believe him about me, but I keep telling myself that he has actually done me a favor. Do I want anyone around me who has never taken the time to get to know me and would believe the lies of a known criminal and pathological liar instead of investigating on their own? My head knows this… My heart and bruised ego are taking some time to accept this.

Random comment: I worked with a client today who I was instantly attracted to… Like could hardly focus on what I was doing or saying attracted! My gut was telling me this is not a good guy… I couldn’t place it right away… But after an hour of interacting, I knew it was the emotionless, unblinking and predatory stare I’ve read so much about and experienced with other SP’s. I wouldn’t become involved with one of my clients anyway, but it is good practice for me to continue to note RED FLAGS I see as an exercise in trusting my own powerful intuition. I am SO THANKFUL that I have this site to inform and encourage me 🙂 Hope all the LF’s are having a great day!

LP Marie, Good call in recognizing a red flag, and good for realizing that if you ignore it you are putting your head into a MEAT GRINDER!

Ox Drover, thank you! I hope all is well with you. It’s always nice to hear from you 🙂

Marie

I’m not wearing the shoes anymore-I’ve had enough. I received the 45 minute tongue lashing this week about everything that is “wrong” with me. The only thing I can own up to is that sometimes I have trouble with boundaries. My mom gave me that one for intruding her N self into every aspect of my life. I can wear those shoes-even though I don’t like them-they hurt my feet.

The N couldn’t deal with emotions so suddenly I was weak, crazy, too emotional, and so on. The conversation started with her telling me that “I don’t think your crazy”. Just the fact that she said that tells me that was exactly what she does think. Then I was told that doing volunteer work wasn’t good enough to keep me busy and that I needed to spend my spare time in the library reading self help books and that I needed to get a TV to watch. Correct me if I’m wrong but if someone is going to tell you for 45 minutes all about how screwed up she perceives me to be and what I need to do to change, without me asking for this advice, I think someone else has some issues with boundaries as well. I also happen to think that getting physical activity and exercise and fresh air is way more important to my health goals than sitting in front of a TV like she does. Another friend told me this week that I need to stop worrying so much about what other people think-particularly the N-I am taking that advice now.

Can anyone tell me what the “aftermath” website it? I read about it in another thread, but can’t remember which one, and the site I found is a clean up service, lol!

Elizabeth……

“What others think of me is none of my business”

One of my favorite quotes.

Don’t frustrate yourself talking to negative narcisstic people.
Stay away from them. They will never change.

Marie,

Aftermath is a site run/financed I think by the foundation set up by Dr. Robert Hare….it is a non profit as well. They have a radio show and a blog. I have been on their radio show and Dr. Leedom is also associated with the group I think, or used to be. It has some legitimate researchers and experts associated with it.

2bhappy-thank you and you are right. I am really starting to realize though that it’s not just about the Narcissicists. I have some issues in myself that are causing me to be so taken in by them and I think I finally realize what they are. I am ordering some books tomorrow that I think will help me get real with myself and heal myself and make me less susceptible to these people. I am heading down a good road. I have lost 24 lbs, I’m in the gym all the time and enjoying some of my other neighbors who appear to be quite normal. One of them who I have recently developed a friendship with has 9 dogs and I have been helping her walk them on my days off. We have fun with the dogs and she is a normal positive interesting person. She also knows my N for what she is and really wants to see me break myself off from her. It also helps that this lady is straight, married, and I’m friends with her husband too and I have no danger of developing feelings for her. That in itself is so relaxing and non-stressful. I am also looking into getting a dog for myself as well.

Elizabeth…

You are an intelligent, interesting and pretty woman. Its great to hear that you are taking care of YOU! Wow, 24 lbs!!! That is wonderful! Keep up the good work! One of the hardest things to do is to lose weight!!! Kudos to you!
Surround yourself with POSITIVE people only and your life will change. Yes, there will be lonely times…but, I learned to accept being alone and I’d rather be alone than around people who just drain me or put me down or are vexations to my spirit!
I avoid drama…walk away from it..and find healthy things to do…read, walk, watch a good show or movie. And, my life is very peaceful. I love my pets too…esp Darla…my little black kitten with yellow eyes and a black nose! I rest my case…animals are better than people. lol
You just keep your head up high…stay on track…avoid STUPID people like the plague!!

I started substitute teaching p/t and I totally avoid people who I have bad vibes about and I just pay attention to sweet, positive happy people …like me! And, it makes such a difference. I’m done with listening to people, (like ur mom) who are so screwed up themselves….give me their opinions on anything!!! I’m an expert now on WALKING AWAY.

You are a sensitive woman who doesn’t deserve to be around people who don’t appreciate you for who you are.

When someone starts to irk me….like some woman today in Social Services…I look away …and when I walk away…I say …F&ck that B*tch….lol!!! Then I feel better.

NEVER put yourself down or let anyone, Elizabeth! EVER!!!!

SO glad ur getting stronger.

Thanks 2bhappy for all those nice words. I do feel like I am just beginning to deal with some issues that I have. I have been really thinking about what’s wrong with me since N blasted me the other day. Her assumptions/judgements are based entirely on her perceptions-not reality, but the whole thing gaslighted me really bad and I am just starting to come out of the confusion from it. Even though the comments were wrong and inappropriate, I started thinking that I really have to dig deep to find out why these particular people, the Ns, are so attracted to me and why I am so affected by them. I feel very addicted to her and it really freaks me out-that is what I’m trying to fix. I just don’t want to feel any romantic feelings for anyone until I feel better about myself and fix some of the things that I feel are wrong-it really is quite draining, like you said, and I finally realize how draining it is. 🙂

2b-btw, I’m glad to hear that you started substituting again. I think that is good for you and is shows how far you have come since that last awful work experience that resulted the relationship that hurt you so much. I think that’s great!

Thanks Elizabeth!

Just stay away from people who are toxic to you. Why subject yourself to any confusion? Keep it simple…just avoid it.
Kirsty Allie was talking on a show the other night about how she is attracted to losers and abusers. So, obviously she has some deep-rooted issues that she hasn’t addressed. She also had an eating disorder…an indication of some “issues”.
I’ve been losing weight now too…I told myself that this is the year. I look and feel so much better. I’m not emotional eating. Started again new years day and I’ve lost about ten more lbs!! YaY!!!

I am back to having some financial issues since I modified my loan. I had a nest egg put aside but “sh&t happens” and its gone. The kitten costed me about 1k! So, now I have to figure out a plan ….taking action to do so now. I always “keep the faith” that things will work out. “living on a prayer” as usual.
They don’t call me in everyday to sub…so thats messing me up to. But, I’ll figure out something….its a miracle they even gave me the modification!

I’m glad you are doing better too! You are young enough to have a great future. My bff may be going through a divorce soon. What a mess. But, she is only 41…the same age i was when I divorced. And, her kids are grown up..so she can start a new life. Her husband is abusive too.

I really don’t know too many happy couples. Sad but true.
I’ve learned to be my own best friend and be grateful for my health and avoid most people. lol And I feel better.

Don’t complicate your life…keep it simple….avoid people who aren’t peaceful and happy. ……

There’s so much to do ..places to go….shows to watch…things to read….

Just ‘keep it moving’….thats my motto!

Ox Drover,

Thanks for the info on Aftermath… I’m pretty sure I found the site…

Marie, I used to post on there but have found LF more helpful and open so I don’t post there any more. In fact, I think LF is THE best site for learning about psychopaths on the net and for support from other bloggers.

Marie,

I think it was me that mentioned Aftermath. It was the first site I found when I was questioning what I was dealing with. At that time, the people blogging on there were very helpful. They have a link on there to LF, that is how I ended up here, and I am so glad I did.

AGREE with Oxy 100%, LF is THE best site for learning about psychopaths and from the support you receive. LF is alive, every day and Donna gives the bloggers FREEDOM AND SUPPORT. You just won’t find that ANYWHERE ELSE.

This may not be the corect thread, but today I was back in court to enforce a court order for financial disclosure by the spath ..who has a history of ignoring court orders and failing to pay child maintenance. Today, the spath argued with the judge ..I said hardly anything ..the judge listened to his rantings and he left with a penal notice attached to an order, meaning if he does not comply by the 31st Januray 2012 he will be in contempt of court and will then find himself in a commital hearing i.e. prison.

On the day, he filed a counter application which the judge dismissed ..I had not even seen it, it was done out of spite. Judge to spath ‘I do not believe that you will comply with the court order and therefore I am attaching a penal notice’. Mrs x will resend you her documentation and as I believe that Mrs x has already sent you the documentation I am dismissing your application’ I had the normal ‘she is a child abuser’, ‘she lies to the court’, ‘she is a who**e’, this is from someone who earns 100k a year amd has not had any contact with his children in 5 years.

He left the court furious, and did the ‘stare’ ..I just smiled back at him ..he also in his rantings told the judge that I had upset his Christmas, another tick in the box. Why does a spath think a judge is interested in his Christmas????

Afterwards I met my daughter and 7 of her friends from university and took them all out for supper. Listening to them laughing and having fun was wonderful, and seeing my daughter so happy made me think it really has been worth the stress, and how lucky I am to have 2 wonderful children.

So for all you ladies and gentlemen out there who find yourself in court with a spath, it may take time and effort but they get found out eventually. His worst nightmare will be on the 22nd February at a full days hearing when his previous lies under oath will be revisited.

P.S. I filed the application for enforcement and represented myself, he was also ordered to pay my costs …£90 ..what a wan*er he is!

Wa hey moveingon what a satisfying result!!
They are truly stupid aren’t they?

You spoiled his Christmas. How inconsiderate of you. Hahaha.
Thanks. Your post fair warmed the cockles of my heart.

Get back spath …while I tread you into the dirt. Yes!
Towanda to you and your children:)

Thanks strongawoman. In November last year he complained to the judge that he does not receive father’s day cards ..my fault of course ..He hangs himself, I really don’t have to do anything, he is sooo superior to everyone. The judge in February is the same judge who he told ‘what do you know you are just a woman!’ Finishing with a flourish of ‘my chidlren are not a priority’ ..oh another judge was ‘a liar’. The judge today was lovely, but her cheeks went scarlett after 2 minutes ..I knew then he had lost. The judge repeated his very words back to him which he had uttered 3 minutes previously, he claimed he had not said them ..they are truly delusiional!

The order includes me resubmitting evdience that I sent to the court in February 2011 which shows he was never unemployed which he claimed under oath on 6 occasions. I actually think the court has the measure of him, he is in serious trouble but as all spaths do, he thinks he can blag and lie his way out of the corner he has put himself into. He is simply a pathological liar and thinks everyone is stupid. Unfortunately he has insisted my daughter attend court in February ..out of spite ..he does not even know which university she is studying at, and her statement to the court asked them not to disclose any of her personal details which the court has upheld.

No conscience, no shame, he is just simply revolting and now divorced again from a woman off the internet!! Karma.

Adelle,

Beautiful. Awesome. Fantastic.

Aloha

The Bad Man said I was rude and selfish… and also controlling.

Attacks on our character are meant to throw us off track and put us into defense mode of ourselves… all the while forgetting what they were up to.

Smoke and Mirrors.

Blame shifting, either overt or covert, is a hallmark trait of sociopaths.

moveingon –

“today I was back in court to enforce a court order for financial disclosure by the spath ..who has a history of ignoring court orders and failing to pay child maintenance.”

I supported Ex-Wife 2 (I am Ex-Wife 3) in exactly the same type of hearing last Friday (6th) in Australia. Like yours, it went in her favour and Superspath, who was trying to have her application dismissed, did not get his own way.

His standard fall-back line – in every court I have seen him operate in so far (and that’s a few) – when speaking to the judge/magistrate is that “the situation is actually a bit complicated…I know that’s how it LOOKS but in fact I have been given the wrong information/told the wrong thing by this court/misinformed by the police/led up the garen path by the court staff/given bad legal advice (or substitute any other similar excuse)”. He used it again – he tried to make out that although the Child Support Agency had assessed that still owes Wife 2 over $14,000 for one of three outstanding child support periods, the agency have miscalculated this because of an error at their office…..puleeeeasssssse……

Like yours, Superspath tried to use their child against her, bringing to court with him their 17 year old son and his 15 year old girlfriend. Using CHILDREN as weapons is such a disgusting, low and dirty practice. Wife 2 was body-slammed by the fact that her son was there, as Superspath knew she would be, but to her credit she managed to pull herself together with the result that although the matter is now adjourned for several months, she won on the day and is likely to win at the end as well.

Aloha –

You are so right – nothing but smoke and mirrors – oh! Hang on a tick – I almost forgot – smoke and mirrors AND shiiiiaaaatttttt!!!!!!! 🙂

Liz, the date that I pretty much threw out of my house on Christmas Eve also went on a rant telling me all kinds of negative things about me that really had nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to stick around for one more minute of it. So I ended it. This is not the kind of person I want to be around. I felt slimed and toxic for the rest of the day, so I can only imagine how you feel after dealing with your neighbor for many many months. Yuck!

BTW, I do not own a TV and I have no desire to have one. People tell me I can watch TV shows on the computer. But that kind of defeats the purpose, which is NOT to sit around and vegetate watching TV. I applaud your choices. I also prefer to spend my nights at the gym, out with friends, meditating, reading, or even here. I’m quite sure that when I’m on my deathbed, I won’t say, “Gee, I wish I’d watched more TV.”

Aussiegirl, I don’t know if it’s this thread or another, but I just read how your court case turned out and about him killing your pet. I cannot express how sorry I am and enraged for you. I really hope he is out of your life for good, money or no money.

Aussiegirl, thank you. I hope ex wife 3 case goes well. This is actually my 3rd final hearing, divorce (3 days), his application to vary (2 days – dismissed) and now his failure to provide tertiary education costs which are part of a consent order. He cares nothing for his children and is totally vindictive. using the children to get back at me is what he does, he has lost sight of what the hearing is about. What his income is, what is mine and what my daughter’s costs are, to be shared equally as per the order.

The more successful my children are, the worse he becomes, pure jealousy, he does not see them as children, now young adults, but simply a weapon to be used against me, the court know that, my children know that, the courts have seen it countless times.

If he continues to ignore the order, I will make an application for a commital hearing and he will find himself facing prison. The reason I filed for a penal notice is he will not disclose because he knows he has to pay. That penal notice demonstrates his contempt of court and he is a liar. Pity me ploys ..’an alleged family suicide’, ‘spoilt christmas’, ‘not getting fathers day cards’ ..like who cares, he does it to move off topic and waste court time ..it of course does not work.

Advice for your friend, let him continue, don’t rise to any bait, and if you can put yourself in their weird head, and try and predict the next lie/move. Its quite simple then, because you know what is coming ..and prepare yourself.

He was ordered to pay £60k of child maintenance and school fees in March 2011, I have a high court writ (stayed), miss a payment and then the bailiffs will be back, last time the police had to attend as the now ex wife no2 assaulted the bailiff ..what a nice pair.

Also another tip, everytime a judge asks me a question, I get about 3 words out before he interrupts (he is self repping), I ask he be quiet, he can’t control himself, so I then go quiet ..let the rant continue ..red flags everwhere ..he runs out of steam, so we then get ‘she is a whore’, ‘she is a child abuser’ ..I really don’t care what he says, I always reply when he finally shuts up ‘this is about financial assistance for the children, nothing else’.

Well done to your friend, my daughter is 19, hoped never to see him again, he tried to get her kicked of school in the middle of her A levels prior to university because ..he spent ’60k on his wedding, and 45k on a new car and could not afford his 50% of the fees and any child maintenance’.

When your friend goes to court, speak little, stick to the case, and my technique when it is ranting, is I start thinking about what we will have for dinner that evening, what ingredients do I need, and his voice just becomes a background irritant. I even wrote down my shopping list, and the judge could see what I was writing.

I could not understand why the judge did not shut him up, they don’t because he could appeal, citing he was not allowed a fair hearing. They make themselves look totally ridiculous ..let them ..I say 10% he rants the other 90% and he still loses.

Good luck to your friend and well done on supporting her, that is absolutely so kind of you and shows that you are amazing!!!

I am so, so glad I found this site. I just ended a two and half year relationship with a sociopath. He came really close to destroying me. Parts of me will not ever recover, I don’t think. This is a person I have known for twelve years and although I ”knew” he had issues with lying and infidelity in his past, I did everything I could to ”protect” myself before allowing him back into my life. I don’t even have words for how big of a mistake that was, I hope one day I can tell the whole story here because there aren’t many people (in my life) who understand being gaslit and wrecked emotionally for the benefit of a person claiming to ”love” you. Anyway, I am working myself up just leaving this comment but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here for sharing their stories and experiences. I just had no idea this was so common. I hope to never get ”taken” again.

Devastated,
Welcome to the site. It’s tragic how common it is. I’m glad you ended the relationship. It can only get better from here.

Devastated, we all do it ruminating, go to the thread, it will help you. You are not in anyway to blame, we have all be conned by a spath who tried to destroy us. This site is amazing, I just totally get it now. Its early days for you, small steps, but what you must do is NC and not ever get sucked back in to the vortex of a spath.

Big hugs, don’t let 2 and half years ruin your life …you are worth so much more!

Welcome Devastated,

Sorry you had such a hard time with him, but you will learn the red flags here and to know that they never change….how to recover, and how to protect yourself.

This is a great place to learn about healing! We do understand! Again, welcome.

I discovered ”most” of his secrets and lies in OCTOBER. It has taken THIS LONG (as of Thursday) to finally, completely say NO MORE, NO CONTACT, YOU CAN NO LONGER HARM ME. It confounds me that it took so long to finally make a complete break. I have been sucked back in so, so many times the last three months, always with the wistful thinking of, ”maybe I can help him” or, ”maybe this isn’t REALLY who he is” and yes, I understand now the futility of those thoughts. He is who he is and more importantly he is WHAT he is and there is nothing I can do to change or help him. And of course, because he was scared witless when all of his ”secrets” were exposed he agreed to, ”get help” but as soon as he knew I was, ”back in place” ie supportive of him, that was dismissed. He is fine, doesn’t need help, he just has, ”commitment issues” which is charmingly hilarious given that he was in no fewer than half a dozen other ”committed relationships” while ”exclusively in love with me”. Oh the slow burning outrage at the absurdity of it all. Thanks for listening and replying.

Devastated,

The journey to heal from this, to “get over it” as you might say, is not an easy one, or a quick one….it starts out finding out what they are, and learning the “red flags” of all psychopaths so you don’t fall for another one in the future, forgiving yourself for staying involved or going back after you “caught” him….there’s a lot to learn and do. Knowledge is power, so read and read the articles here in the archives, they will be very helpful to you. God bless. ((hugs))) ps. it WILL get better I promise you!

Devastated, as Oxy says its not a case of ‘getting over it’, it really does take time. I spent one day reading everything on this site, I felt sick at the beginning and sick at the end ..but the first step. Sweetie, they don’t love anyone even their own children ..space and time will give you a different perspective ..NC (hugs)

A different perspective…….something I desperately need. Tired of feeling abandoned, first by the spath ex husband then my siblings as my Mom required more care. Then Mom passed away and no assitance from sibs except to call and ask “where’s the money?” …..and then they feel they are being cheated and slighted in some way. Pure greed. And let’s not forget the “friends” who don’t want to deal with anything that isn’t happy, happy, happy all the time. I’m understanding the hermit lifestyle more each day.

Devastated, we all went back over and over, whether it be for just a few months, or for over twenty years. The reason is because we didn’t understand what a sociopath was, and we all thought there was either a fix or an explanation for why they behaved the way they did. Eventually, we stumbled onto this site and learned what they are. Mine played the most bizarre games. I had never seen anything like it before. I attributed it to a head injury he allegedly sustained while fighting in Iraq. It turns out the head injury was a fake to get out of the army on a phony discharge. The enormity of the lies is really astounding and almost impossible to believe. You learn to believe the impossible with a s’path.

It took about 2-1/2 months for me to figure out something was terribly wrong and for someone to mention the word “sociopath” to me, which led me here. Once I found out what he was, I walked away and never looked back. It was very hard – and I obsessed for a long time, wanting some sort of closure.

One thing you should know, since you’re here, is that all the obsessing, analyzing, and trying to figure out why he did what he did leads to a dead end. You can NEVER really understand the motives of a sociopath because their games are outside of the realm of a normal person’s understanding. The best thing you can do is to just get away and don’t even think about going back. Get away with your life, and you will begin to heal.

Dear New Beginning,

As one who has been alone for many years, with NC with parents or only sibling most of my adult life, I want you to know that this is not a life sentence of loneliness and misery. Sometimes you have to get the life-strangling weeds out of the garden in order to plant new seeds. Even without relatives, you can make a happy life for yourself and draw supportive friends to you. You can become your own mother and father and radiate love outward toward others. I am one of these loners, and I know a few others. The ones I know have become great healers. They are a little ‘different’ and have made their own way without biological family. You know they say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? It sounds glib but it’s really true. When your entire biological family abandons you, then the whole world becomes your family and you get to pick and choose who you want to be in your life. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Personally, I prefer the “Die Broke” philosophy to leaving an estate for your heirs because it triggers people’s greed. Maybe you can just realize that there is greed operating there, and just try as best as you can not to buy into it and become like them.

Thank you, Stargazer. Your words are very encouraging. I think I’ll be ok when I get through the estate settlement. Unfortunately I’m the executor of the estate so it’s in my face and at some point I have to let the greedy sibs into the house (where I now live) so they can take whatever items they want. I think that’s my biggest challenge – it definitely has caused the PTSD to kick into overdrive as currently my son is the only person I allow to come inside the house…..thanks to the trauma the ex psychopath caused.

Don’t need to “try” to not become like them…..I am the exact opposite. Greed isn’t a word that could ever be associated with me.

Devastated,
Once you know that you were victimized by a spath, your whole world perspective is changed.

So it’s going to take time to process all the new information and put the pieces of the puzzle back together, in a new configuration.

For me, it turned out that my puzzle had been put together wrong from the beginning because of my upbringing with my spath family. It was even harder to get clarity on that. Like my spath, my family seemed sooooo nice. There were certain members who had issues but generally they seemed like good caring christians to me. HA! That’s their mask.

Anyway, I just want to encourage you to look deeply at yourself and try to gain from this experience. Examine how you came to fall under the spell of a spath. What made you vulnerable? What was the hook? You might find, like I did, that there are layers of hooks involved.

New Beginnings,

Well, if you have to be stuck in an estate settlement, I suppose the executor is certainly the best person to be. At least you can have first choice of the things you want and put them away where the sibs cannot get them. Best of luck, and I hope it goes smoothly. I will never inherit anything from anyone. It’s kind of a mixed blessing I guess. I could use the money, but I don’t really need the stress.

New Beginning,
I’m sorry your sibs are so greedy. Mine would likely kill me and each other just to inherit whatever small bit there is. It’s more of a game to them than it is about any actual amount. They need to win.

I agree with you and star about being a hermit. It’s so peaceful.

Stargazer
I do think that my investigations has lead me to a definite conclusion about these types. My X! husband is a sociopath, a disordered personality. And his motivation fits the def of a sociopath’s motivation, to prevail over all others. It may take different forms or actions for individual sociopaths to dominate and PREVAIL, but it is the end that justifies their means. To me, it’s not outside the realm of my ability to understand but it is unanswerable b/c spaths mindsets such as my X! husband is SO STUPID b/c their motivation tramples on all the wonderful pleasures of life in this world. Once we’ve come to the conclusion that they are spath, our ONLY recourse is to GET AWAY, reclaim our life, work on healing and NEVER look back. (and holler TOWANDA every time we empower ourselves! It’s become my favorite word. 🙂 )

Thank you Sky and Star. I think I’m just worn out, lol.

Dear New Beginning,

Yep, that’s what happens in “estates” people want the money! My son Patrick was so “into wanting” my estate he sent someone to kill me for it! LOL

Don’t be surprised by your sib’s behavior, that is so TYPICAL. Just do what is JUST, RIGHT, HONEST and then fark’em if they can’t take a joke. Oh, by the way, you should also be entitled to a FEE for being the executor….file for it and take it…and then when it is all over, go NC with these greedy people who neither cared about your mom or about you! You have not lost a single thing by cutting these morons out of your life forever. They are trash!

Of course you are worn out, tired and stressed. Take care of yourself, and do not worry a bit about what the vultures think of you. (((hugs)))

Thank you, Oxy. The executor’s fee for the trust portion of the estate has to be approved by my siblings however the estate attorney told me to let it ride right up until the end. Bottom line is my finances are really tight on the purchase of the property and if they don’t approve the fiduciary compensation I cannot purchase the house…….then it would have to go on the market. I guess their greed will work in my favor then, lol.

Thank you for the hug. 🙂

Need some advice…

You know I had a bad trip experience in Peru as tourleader last summer. I had to come down on the bureau to explain what happened. Since then I’ve been barred from selecting new tourleaders as well as training new tourleaders.

The company are actually 2 companies: a profit tour operator and a non-profit organisation that relies on volunteers: to do the tourleading, the selecting, the training. It’s not just the execution that is done by volunteers, but the courses, the trip’s planning and bookings, the info updates on destinations (hotels, etc) are all done by these volunteers. The board are volunteers. The pruduct team exists half of volunteers, half of workers from the tour operator (managers). The brochure texts are written by the volunteers. The product evaluation is done by the volunteer tourleaders and passed directly to the touroperator. The non-profit organisation does have an office with workers: mostly to set up the weekends, gather papers, etc…

Since a couple of years ago, 4 years, a new head manager was recruited for the non-profit organisation in order to ‘professionalise’ the organisation. She has good dossier knowledge, but is squeezing the heart right out of the organisation.

She has made these rules that even an experienced tourleader, experienced trainer and selector (and I have NO bad rap at all on my training and selecting) cannot train and select anymore after a bad trip. She punishes, but does not encourage (actually she discourages).

She argued that in several trips prior to the last one, there seemed to be a few other trips where 1 or 2 tourists (out of 11) who were not completely happy with me. The fact that the other 9-10 tourists gave me max grades of satisfaction was completely ignored, as well as that these satisfied tourists bought me a ring as gift for 85$ 4 days prior to the end of the trip.

We agreed that I would do a balance weekend. These are debriefing trainings with other tourleaders to assess our own tourleading on the last trip, give each other tips how to deal with a certain situation and come to an insight what we may have done wrong and how to do it better. I asked whether it was possible to forfeit the balance weekend in October. I explained that I felt unsafe at that moment and my general condition in life was such that it would bar me from actually learning something for myself out of it, that I needed to first get my general life in order before focusing on the tourleading alone.

I wrote this to the co-worker of the head. She’s been a volunteer herself and actually KNOWS me and has a heart. I received a warm and unerstanding reply and if I planned to do the balance weekend in the future or lead another trip I just needed to contact her.

I met her personally on a party end of October and she was very responsive to me. By then I had made my breakthrough about why I had been so observing all the time, and unable to act.

Once I knew my exam date for this month (30th) I contacted this person on the office again to enroll myself for the balance weekend (which was yesterday). She answered very business like, and how after the balance we’d have a second office talk (including the head) on whether to prolong my license to tourlead or not. This was kinda confusing to me what she meant by it. The thing is: once we are selected and fufilled the training program we get a pass from the organisation that cannot really be revoked anymore. We also get another national license, that has to be renewed. But we don’t even need the national license to tourlead for the profit touroperator we’re usually linked to. So, did she mean whether they would decide I could never tourlead for them anymore, or whether that I hadn’t met the continuous training requirements for the national license (I filed those papers in the office right on time). But at the very least I noted that this person acted business like and distant to me in the mail.

Anyway, I had the balance moment yesterday. The two trainers are volunteer tourleaders of long experience. They were supportive of my experience and my insights, concluded I had made a correct analysis of what had happened and realized how I should have dealt with it correctly in the future and that I was brave to share it with them. They found I had given several great tips in dealing with certain situations brought up by the others for their trips, including one they had never heard of before and thought so awesome they thought they could use it themselves.

I had a great time, had some great learning experience, felt more confidence, and at the party in the night I had a super time. But I noticed how the office worker who had been understanding in October was avoiding me. She had said hello earlier in the evening from afar. But even on the dance floor she avoided contact (eye, or any other). Meanwhile the head manager smiled and acted as if there was no issue at all.

I also heard that one of the board members had a bad trip one and a half year ago. He was barred from selecting and giving training too. Worse, he had written a year on the course of world religions (he has a master in religion sciences and is a teacher), but was replaced behind his back by someone else to actually GIVE the course a week before that particular training. The content was so large it was impossible for the replacement to actually read it all in one week, let alone prepare it. Not knowing the real deal behind it, he had called the author to ask him whether they could give it together. Of course the author replied that the replacement had to ring office for that and ask THEM.

Another board member who is fond of me, and who had been a witness on the office meetings with this other tourleader on his behalf. He too finds there are ugly poltical things happening and offered me to be a witness on my second meeting on my behalf if I wanted it.

The most professional trainer we ever had, who hasn’t tourled in years, but who is a professional coach for companies day in and day out… THE EXPERT on training is not even training anymore and apparently had a major disagreement.

Anyway… I’m hearing bad stuff about this head manager. I thought her cold. I’m told she’s not just cold, but resentful.

The vibe I got from the co-worker who was originally understanding tells me in my gut that the second meeting will be one where my head will roll. I just am not sure how much it will roll: permanent, or will I be just be put on ‘hold’.

I’ve been thinking about a strategy deep and hard. I know that eventually this manager will NOT stay forever. She’ll choose to move on to another job eventually. The other office-workers will alter too (I’ve seen many changes there in the past 10 years). Meanwhile I can be a member each year, follow a lifetime of training for a little money. I may be put on hold, true… but I didnt plan on tourleading coming summer anyway, because of the studies and moving to my own apartment. I need to heal compeletely anyway, get the rest of my life in shape, and only time will do that, little step by little step. Maybe the hold may take longer than a year… but who’s gonna stop me from applicating with ANOTHER commercial adventure touroperator in say the Netherlands in the meantime when I feel I’m capable again of tourleading (and I did promise myself to never tourlead anymore and put myself in a situation as I did last summer unless I feel 100% confident again). Anyway, I don’t feel like blowing bridges over this manager, when I can still meet fellow tourleaders and follow training, etc…

What’s your opinion on this thing? Any strategy tips?

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