UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
Good points Adelle….we must try on and walk in the shoes that we choose, shoes that fit…and not allow someone else to tell us what size to wear or place the blame for their bad acts on us with projection. GREAT POINTS!
If the shoe fits, wear it, if it doesn’t fit, do NOT wear it!
Oh, Adelle, your post really hit home for me. My ex Spath would tell me those exact words, “You are jealous and controlling”. I always hated being told that because I always felt that he was putting an unfair label on me. He convinced everyone else that this is who I was, a contolling, jealous, mean girl. He would let me know how nobody liked me. I never understood what I did to ‘everybody” for them to not like me. Like you said, I wore these ill fit shoes for years and years. I believed the lies, but unfortunately, so did everyone else. I could not prove my innocence.
I don’t wear the shoes he gave me anymore. But I also want others to know that I do not. I want to clear my name.
I realize now that all those people who believed those shoes were mine, didn’t care to know me and are not worth knowing.
Thank you for your post. Wow! I can’t tell you how many times I heard those same exact words.
GREAT POST Adelle!
Adelle:
Great post! I could really relate to everything you said. And then with what sisterhood commented with as well. My ex made me out to be crazy, unstable. His family never took the time to get to know me, but all gave me the cold shoulder and disliked me for reasons I didn’t understand. At the end of our relationship, his mom was making these random comments to me and I realized he was “poisoning the well,” creating a web of lies and deciet in order to create pity ploys for his mother and ciphon money from her.
I actually believed I was the abuser. Toward the end, when I just could not contain my hurt and pain was seeping out of me in all directions, I did get ugly. And the anger and ugliness was a wake up call to me about how seriously askew things were. I was still off balance, and not quite sure what was going on except his major drug addiction back in full swing and evidence that he was cheating on me with multiple woman all around. He didn’t even bother to hide it. I was suspicious and looked at his phone and saw multilple calls and texts from different women. When confronted, he told me that was what I got for snooping around! And that he thought things were over with me because of how I was treating him! So that made it all excusable!
We went to couples counseling, what a freaking joke! The counselor basically blamed me for his drug relapse. I was “controlling” because I demanded he leave my home after a month of telling him I wanted him out. He decided to turn around and use drugs. Both the therapist and his mother blamed me! It was awful. And I bought into it. For many months. I finally got rid of him back in June, but it took him going to jail to help me finally go NC with him.
It bothers me that people believe him about me, but I keep telling myself that he has actually done me a favor. Do I want anyone around me who has never taken the time to get to know me and would believe the lies of a known criminal and pathological liar instead of investigating on their own? My head knows this… My heart and bruised ego are taking some time to accept this.
Random comment: I worked with a client today who I was instantly attracted to… Like could hardly focus on what I was doing or saying attracted! My gut was telling me this is not a good guy… I couldn’t place it right away… But after an hour of interacting, I knew it was the emotionless, unblinking and predatory stare I’ve read so much about and experienced with other SP’s. I wouldn’t become involved with one of my clients anyway, but it is good practice for me to continue to note RED FLAGS I see as an exercise in trusting my own powerful intuition. I am SO THANKFUL that I have this site to inform and encourage me 🙂 Hope all the LF’s are having a great day!
LP Marie, Good call in recognizing a red flag, and good for realizing that if you ignore it you are putting your head into a MEAT GRINDER!
Ox Drover, thank you! I hope all is well with you. It’s always nice to hear from you 🙂
Marie
I’m not wearing the shoes anymore-I’ve had enough. I received the 45 minute tongue lashing this week about everything that is “wrong” with me. The only thing I can own up to is that sometimes I have trouble with boundaries. My mom gave me that one for intruding her N self into every aspect of my life. I can wear those shoes-even though I don’t like them-they hurt my feet.
The N couldn’t deal with emotions so suddenly I was weak, crazy, too emotional, and so on. The conversation started with her telling me that “I don’t think your crazy”. Just the fact that she said that tells me that was exactly what she does think. Then I was told that doing volunteer work wasn’t good enough to keep me busy and that I needed to spend my spare time in the library reading self help books and that I needed to get a TV to watch. Correct me if I’m wrong but if someone is going to tell you for 45 minutes all about how screwed up she perceives me to be and what I need to do to change, without me asking for this advice, I think someone else has some issues with boundaries as well. I also happen to think that getting physical activity and exercise and fresh air is way more important to my health goals than sitting in front of a TV like she does. Another friend told me this week that I need to stop worrying so much about what other people think-particularly the N-I am taking that advice now.
Can anyone tell me what the “aftermath” website it? I read about it in another thread, but can’t remember which one, and the site I found is a clean up service, lol!
Elizabeth……
“What others think of me is none of my business”
One of my favorite quotes.
Don’t frustrate yourself talking to negative narcisstic people.
Stay away from them. They will never change.