UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
KatyDid, that is the VERY reason that I encourage people to GO TO A PHYSICIAN FOR A DIAGNOSIS before they “self diagnose” one or more symptoms into a “disease.” My step dad was the WORLD’S WORST to “self diagnose” and he was REALLY bad about it and when he would self diagnose something and was wrong it could have had baaaaad consequences sometimes. Like when he got glaucoma and thought he had an allergy or some other thing, and if he had taken a benadryl for his “allergies” he would have lost sight in BOTH EYES….and benadryl is just an “over the counter” medication that most folks have in their home. Fortunately, he called me during his acute attack and I told him to NOT take the benadryl.
I also “self diagnosed” my Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever as STRESS….feeling bad from the stress….until I got to where I could not walk or stand up for more than 1 minute.
That is why we PAY DOCTORS and why we should avail ourselves of their superior knowledge. BTW, even medical professionals should NOT try to diagnose themselves. LOL
can we be specific about the words that go with initials? websearch came up with multiple answers.
catch 22, some people have no money.
too sick to work and can’t work to get enough money for doctor.
it’s try the treatment and risk dying.
when you own your home, you are not elible for a doctor, they willl put a lien on your home which you can’t afford to pay b/c you are TOO SICK to work. in my experience, doctors don’t care if you get well, they care about billing the ones they can. so the risk is to lose my home? no can do.
rinse repeat the madness.
Oxy, I know that… other tourleaders know that and so does the commercial tour operator. We tell people this in training. BUT she’s not a tourleader. She’s using the results to obviously spin it into her twisted logic.
My issue with authority is that I don’t have an issue with authority. And I’m prone to at the very least investigate where I could have done things better. However, when the mind is made up by the authority that won’t work because it’ll lead you straight to the chopping block. She wants to me to wear a shoe that doesn’t fit.
And I feel that it is imminent for my own self worth and self belief to create an environment during the meeting where she has to be careful how she words things, and where I take my time to see through the fog she’ll create and turn the table right, calmly and self assured. I know now I’ll be talking to someone who is spathy, illogical, fake, without empathy, …
That is why discussing it here is helping me… It made me realize the trap she set in the first meeting, the excuse. So, that I can prepare myself for the excuses she’s going to make up misusing the evidence to her own convenience, and I will have to make my point irregardless. And I think I can pull it off.
I’ve done so in the past on occasion. I can smile like an angel, be completely rational and twist the point around and make my point instead if I feel I need to. More, since people know me as docile, they don’t expect it from me. I caught my narcistic aunt off guard once. I managed the Octopus manager of several years ago. And on an English debate site they used to refer to me as ‘murder in English’.
That email I sent the co-worker is one where I’m docile, am making the decisions to make it easier on them, and yet there are two seeds where I don’t accept the shoe: one by referencing the Costa Rica trip as one of my highlights, and the second through action… calling a duck a duck: you’re avoiding me. BTW, it’s one of the other reasons I don’t think she’ll forward it to the Iron Spath. She won’t like to admit to her that she can’t fake human contact. I’m pretty sure she’ll relay the message of me taking a step down out of my own accord, and thereby emphasising the docile image to the Iron Spath.
I’m not saying it will save me the ok to still tourlead for the company. But it sure will save my self esteem. 2011 was the year where people treated me like garbage and a doormat. 2012 will not be such a year.
Making notes and an open recording would create an environment for me to do right by myself. I’m not going to win the chess game, but I think I’ll be able to get a remise out of it.
Hi Katydids, yes rinse and repeat, rinse again…our society has cancer me thinks.
Katy, it’s as if the cortisol peaks and then stops because there is finally a trauma to respond to. I’m not exactly sure how to explain it or the exact chemical reaction that happens. I learned this at a fibromyalgia workshop given by the founder of my massage school. It was the cutting edge of research on fibromyalgia at the time – about 10 years ago.
What are the initials you are talking about?
I gave up gluten a year ago and recommend this for everyone. Processed starchy foods seem to have bad effects all the way around, even if you’re not allergic to them. It can cause all kinds of intestinal illnesses. So I think you are absolutely correct that diet could contribute to those symptoms. A good resource for this is Breaking the Vicious Cycle by Elaine Gottschall. Gluten has even been implicated in schizophrenia and autism. (same reference) But it is especially implicated in chronic fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, and many other illnesses.
Sorry if some of this doesn’t make sense – I’m really tired. I just spontaneously wrote a 10-page short story of my first trip to Costa Rica. It has drama, danger, romance, adventure…….a little of everything. It’s really just for me to remember the details of the trip, but I always wonder if my stories would ever be interesting to someone else – I can try to have them published somewhere.
Katy –
I smiled to think that I might EVER become a triathlete like your friend……ho,ho,ho,ho,ho 🙂
Star –
Massage definitely helps; not being able to afford one definitely doesn’t help; the problem with being put off work with Fibro means way fewer $$$$ to go around. Decisions come down to things like – do I keep the power on or do I have a massage? Hair cut or butcher it myself and get to eat food this week? (This is reminding me of how handy the Superspath’s money WOULD have been, had I not walked away from it…)
I have also experienced a great deal of relief from Bowen therapy – a type of cross between myofascial massage and trigger point therapy.
And yes, I take a magnesium supplement, which eases it somewhat (when I can afford to buy it!)
That sucks, Aussie girl. I’m sorry. I’ve had Bowen work, and I agree, it is really amazing. I’d forgotten about that. Here in the states a physician can refer you to a medical massage therapist (which is what I do). It’s all covered under insurance. I don’t know if you can even see a doctor. I hope things improve for you.
I don’t think that MOST physicians are all about money, but they get a salary just like the rest of us. Most Physicians now either work for a practice (with several docs sharing an office) or they work for a salary for a hospital or clinic. It is usually a “good salary” by most people’s idea, but most docs are NOT “rich” though a few specialists do get “rich.”
I worked in a clinic, I got a salary, a good salary, but I tried to help patients as much as I could by doing the best I could and finding the lowest cost treatment for them that I could. Helping them get medication for free or low cost through drug company programs.
Most doctors will help you get your medication if you qualify for low income, and it is pretty reasonable to get help with your medication even if you have low paying or no insurance.
You can contact the drug company on the internet, down load the form, fill it out, get your doctor to sign it, mail it back in with proof of income and presto, you get help with the cost of your drugs. They either mail you the drugs or they send them to your doc’s office where you can pick them up. So there are ways and most doctors will help you with higher cost medications. With generics many companies here in the US will sell you the generics for $2-4 per Rx. So there is no reason NOT to get treated or take medications if you need them. For chronic stuff especially a short office visit $60 will usually get you the Rx you need for 6 months and you are taken care of.
Oxy
Think I will come to your area for a $60 office visit. Our LOW cost welfare visit is $150, with tests on top of that. They refuse to diagnose without confirming tests. I went there for my annual pap b/c I needed checking for std’s after leaving my husband. My pap test was $350.
I had a staph infection, it was $150 for the initial, $90 for each follow up (My infection did not resolve and it took three followups), and b/c I asked a question about HOW I contracted the infection, it was considered a NEW specialized consult, and that was $250 for ONE question. I stood at their payment desk and refused to pay it. This was at the poor people’s clinic.
In my neck of the woods, there is a LOT of reasons to NOT get treated, the least of which is UNLIMITED charges by the doctors office, hidden charges like finding out that the phone call to tell you results also cost a fee, and STILL NO relief so money is gone, less for Food, and nothing to show for it!! The Rx I could handle, it’s all the other Dx stuff that I can’t afford! BTW, the clinic here charges $25 for the dr to sign a form so you can get reduced Rx.