UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
WOW, Katy that is OUTRAGEOUS!!!! I am sorry that is the way they are. For STDs here you can go to the HEALTH DEPARTMENT and get it for free…so you might check in your state as well for the health department for a pap. If you have not had a hysterectomy I strongly suggest a yearly PAP smear as most folks have the HPV and that is what causes MOST cancer of the cervix which is treatable.
We also have FREE clinics here in the area run by a Christian group. I have insurance so I go to a great little Internist that I would follow to Alaska for medical care if she moved, I do NOT like her Nurse Practitioner…and will never go to her again, I did go to her once. A friend of mine (that I had referred to the clinic) went to the Nurse Practitioner and she “diagnosed” him with some disease THAT DOES NOT EVEN EXIST, it is an “internet” diagnosis and NOT accepted by medical science. It turned out she was COMPLETELY off base.
I talked to the doctor about her NP and let her know what I had found out both about my friend and my visit to her which she misdiagnosed me as well. So the thing is that you have to be a good health care consumer as well, and PRICE AROUND for the best available care with what/or no insurance that you have. There are some alternatives to NO care. Good luck.
Oxy
Where I live, in order to get medical care from the health dept, first you have to qualify for welfare, get signed up under the welfare department. Then only with a welfare card can you get medical care through the health dept.
To be on welfare is very humiliating for me. I’d rather die. Literally.
There are NO free clinics. B/c I can not afford to pay for the lab test for my pap, I have not had one since I got that first one after leaving my husband. Same with mammogram. There’s the office visit, then the test done elsewhere, and then the charge to read it, and then the charge to report the results.
We have the best medical care system in the USA here, but you have to have insurance. If you are from another state, you have to requalify for insurance. As a +50 yr old woman who lived with an spath, I now have health issues and just seasonal allergies put me in the high risk category so my insurance jumped from $150 mo, to $1200 and that was BEFORE I ever made a claim ($3000 deductable). YES. over $14,000 a year. Their arguement was that if I were really sick with cancer or needed surgery, that insurance was still cheaper. I simply don’t have it. My spath defrauded me and I was TOO sick to work. On bad days, I HAD to be able to rest in order to recover, without being able to rest on demand I went downhill. That’s why I decided to skip insurance and go private pay. I’ve looked for low cost. The $150 visit IS THE LOW COST. (I found out too late about insurance b/c my ATTORNEY NEVER told me that it was part of the court orders upon separation that my husband was supposed to continue providing insurance. HE CANCELLED my insurance when I moved out…. another reason why I said it seemed she worked for HIM.)
As a person who worked in the medical care field, I am aware of idiots and quacks. We had some dr with privileges at our hospital and we protected THEIR patients from them! I was not joking about going to another area of the USA to pay a fair price!
Katy have you applied for social security disability?
As for welfare and or medicaid, if you qualify I STRONGLY (don’t make me get my skillet!) suggest that you apply for it if you are eligible. At least for food stamps.
I qualify for low income help for medications through the pharmacy companies, it is actually very generous to qualify for the help with the medications though i DO have insurance, just the co-pay on some of the non-generic meds are very high. So I have NO problem applying and I am doing that.
Frankly, Katy to NOT APPLY FOR ASSISTANCE YOU ARE ENTITLED TO is not only foolish it is not good sense in any manner. So that is my opinion and consider yourself verbally warned, and the next time is the skillet! (be afraid, sister! LOL)
TAKING care of OURSELVES is the PRIME DIRECTIVE of the Love Fraud blog…you know that includes medical care as well as emotional support. So seeking and finding appropriate medical care that is AVAILABLE is important. To NOT take advantage of these things that ARE available is not good sense and YOU know it cause you are smart. PRIDE GOETH BEFORE A FALL. So get off your high horse and see what you can find that will be of use to you. (((hugs))) and my prayers!
Oxy
You kin bang that skillet but don’t b/c even if it exhaust ya, I will not go on welfare, not ever. I think it ridiculous that I can’t pay a FAIR price for medical care. Why do I have to open my wallet and let the Dr take all he wants until my funds are GONE. Why can’t I decide based on cost/benefit? You call it a high horse. Well sorry I said anything. But I am not the only person in this pickle, willing to pay but not be robbed. Food stamps? OMG. Well, as a dairy allergy/gluten avoider, beans and rice and chicken are best anyway. Why is my only choice to be SHAMED AND HUMILIATED as the FARKING FAILURE for all to talk down to and pull their power trips on me. I’d rather BE DEAD.
Katy my darling friend, applying for medicaid or welfare or food stamps is NOT being a “failure”—it is doing what you have to do to take care of yourself. By having so much PRIDE that you won’t apply for medicaid or assistance like that is FALSE PRIDE my dear, and you do not need to do that because you are NOT A FAILURE by taking what your TAXES have paid for all these years.
Just like I applied for and received social security disability for my PTSD…I paid in 7+% of my wages from the time I was 15 and worked every day til I couldn’t work any more after the crash, and I do not think that applying for disability because I have a disability is wrong. It also gave me medicare. I am now 65 so would be on medicare any way by now, but being on medicare saved my life. SAVED MY LIFE because if I hadn’t had medicare I wouldn’t have received treatment for the RMSF and would most likely have died.
I do not qualify for food stamps or welfare, actually because they also do an asset test and I have a little money in the bank, but the pharmacy assistance programs go only on your INcome and my income is very limited, social security and a small pension from my fire department days…and son D’ works for Boy Scouts and gets a small salary so we QUALIFY for the assistance even though we have some insurance and some income. But the thing is, Katy, that you PAID FOR THESE things, just like I did by my wages being docked for 7% and my employer docking them for 7% as well, plus medicare tax and all that. So this is nothing to HUMILIATE YOU it is something you are entitled to as a TAX PAYER. So Boink! Love Oxy!
Oxy
I am glad it worked out for you. You paid and you deserve. But No. I did not. Did I mention that my husband defrauded? I was one he defrauded. We owned our business. Did I mention HE did the taxes? All the social security was applied to HIM, none to me. Yes, I can apply for welfare, and they will put a lien against my house and when taxes are due next year, the lien will force a sale. I’ve BEEN this road; I am in catch22 bc of being married to my X! husband, an spath who controlled our finances and set ME up. I am sorry I said anything. I will stop whining now. Think I’ll take a walk.
Katy, Darling, not meaning to put stress on you….not in any way at all. Can you contact the SS office and find a way to get some relief about those tax frauds, like an “innocent spouse” thing with the IRS? Where one spouse defrauds the IRS and has a big bill and the innocent spouse doesn’t get charged with it. I know a woman who got out of a $2 million dollar judgment against her husband with that.
I wasn’t aware that welfare put a lien on your home if you applied for welfare or forced a sale. I know with medicaid they don’t do that, in fact, the HOME is the one thing that they cannot attach with patients even in medicaid beds in nursing homes that will NEVER return home, they can’t touch the house…that was in Texas. They also allowed a car and other reasonable assets.
Take care of yourself Katy! (((Hugs)))
Oxy
Things are getting turned around.
I am not eligible for welfare b/c I own an asset, my house.
I can get medical treatment b/c they will use my house like a bank account and charge whatever they want and I don’t have control to say NO, They put a lien on my house for the payment of medical care that THEY decided, NOT ME. But when the taxes are due, so is the lien and THAT will force a sale of my home.
So, I will be HOMELESS. THEN I will qualify for welfare.
Innocent spouse only works if you WIN. Most don’t. And I’d need an attorney. I can’t afford one. The last one seemed to work in my CHARMING husband’s best interests. Can you imagine ANYONE not thinking my handsome, calm, seductive husband not more credible than an overweight unattractive ex wife. They don’t blame him for cheating. They understand!!
The slim blonde woman in her 30’s who agreed to give up her career to become a rancher’s wife and raise more kids is NO LONGER. The fat, gray haired one with hooded eyes and big time multiple miscarriages/dietary illnesses/arthritis/multiple food allergies/stroke/heartattack sufferer is the one that exists now. They look at me and at him and say, boy MR, you married a MESS. No wonder you dumped her (I left but he was using the house like a hotel, he dumped me emotionally a couple of years before I physically departed.)
MY CAR? Is the same one we bought when my daughter entered 9th grade. She’s now nearly 27. It’s the ONLY one bought in our whole marriage. I had a nearly new car when I married him. He has his pickup. Typical ranch set up. He bought new pickups, we got the car when he wrecked my old one.
Reasonable assets. NO I have unreasonable ones. I have my wee antiques. Comfort things. Book cases. A rug. Dining room table. English bone china teaset. A set of teaspoons. Bought cheap but look beautiful. I took VERY good care of my things so they last. In this economy, they would sell at HUGE discount and then I’d not have the atmosphere I use to HEAL. I’d have barebones furniture.
I accept the outcome of being married to my husband. I accept that I will find a way in this limbo, which I could NOT do when I was married to him. And I accept if there is no way, at least I am FREE. Being FREE gives my life more meaning than I have felt in YEARS.(that Predator book was right about post trauma feelings of wondering why bother with ANYTHING.) I have said way too much b/c I do NOT want to be the dam pity party. This is MY outcome and it’s not fair but it sure as hell should show the example for those who think that if they just “try to get along” with their spath, then every thing will work out. Well NO IT WON’T. THey have GREAT power over you, financial power and in your later years when you are most vulnerable, after having sacrificed and tried to appease your inlaws and his jerk friends, he waltzes off with someone new and you are portrayed as a whining LOSER.
I guess I should face the truth of my life and it is pretty pathetic, pretending it’s better than it really is, that I have a future. Well, fark it if I can’t joke a take. No matter what, my life is STILL far better than what it was married to that frickin’ NIGHTMARE of a ridiculing self absorbed look down his long snooty nose at the ungrateful wretch who failed to appreciate how lucky she was to have married the PRINCE.
Now I am going to go STEAL ClassicFm.co.uk radio. It’s Margherita Taylor MY FAVORITE host. YEah I’m a thief of radio. It does not exist here. and I’d pay for it but they don’t allow private subscription.
Katydid, I cant seem to stay away from my friends here at LF, you seem to be having a bad evening. Yes you are better off with out that long nosed creep. Dont let things overwhelm you, there simply are not answers to every question or reason for every emotion. Enjoy your stolen radio, walk outside and look up at the stars, your doin just fine and I bet tomorrow will be a better day….