UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
Marie,
Aftermath is a site run/financed I think by the foundation set up by Dr. Robert Hare….it is a non profit as well. They have a radio show and a blog. I have been on their radio show and Dr. Leedom is also associated with the group I think, or used to be. It has some legitimate researchers and experts associated with it.
2bhappy-thank you and you are right. I am really starting to realize though that it’s not just about the Narcissicists. I have some issues in myself that are causing me to be so taken in by them and I think I finally realize what they are. I am ordering some books tomorrow that I think will help me get real with myself and heal myself and make me less susceptible to these people. I am heading down a good road. I have lost 24 lbs, I’m in the gym all the time and enjoying some of my other neighbors who appear to be quite normal. One of them who I have recently developed a friendship with has 9 dogs and I have been helping her walk them on my days off. We have fun with the dogs and she is a normal positive interesting person. She also knows my N for what she is and really wants to see me break myself off from her. It also helps that this lady is straight, married, and I’m friends with her husband too and I have no danger of developing feelings for her. That in itself is so relaxing and non-stressful. I am also looking into getting a dog for myself as well.
Elizabeth…
You are an intelligent, interesting and pretty woman. Its great to hear that you are taking care of YOU! Wow, 24 lbs!!! That is wonderful! Keep up the good work! One of the hardest things to do is to lose weight!!! Kudos to you!
Surround yourself with POSITIVE people only and your life will change. Yes, there will be lonely times…but, I learned to accept being alone and I’d rather be alone than around people who just drain me or put me down or are vexations to my spirit!
I avoid drama…walk away from it..and find healthy things to do…read, walk, watch a good show or movie. And, my life is very peaceful. I love my pets too…esp Darla…my little black kitten with yellow eyes and a black nose! I rest my case…animals are better than people. lol
You just keep your head up high…stay on track…avoid STUPID people like the plague!!
I started substitute teaching p/t and I totally avoid people who I have bad vibes about and I just pay attention to sweet, positive happy people …like me! And, it makes such a difference. I’m done with listening to people, (like ur mom) who are so screwed up themselves….give me their opinions on anything!!! I’m an expert now on WALKING AWAY.
You are a sensitive woman who doesn’t deserve to be around people who don’t appreciate you for who you are.
When someone starts to irk me….like some woman today in Social Services…I look away …and when I walk away…I say …F&ck that B*tch….lol!!! Then I feel better.
NEVER put yourself down or let anyone, Elizabeth! EVER!!!!
SO glad ur getting stronger.
Thanks 2bhappy for all those nice words. I do feel like I am just beginning to deal with some issues that I have. I have been really thinking about what’s wrong with me since N blasted me the other day. Her assumptions/judgements are based entirely on her perceptions-not reality, but the whole thing gaslighted me really bad and I am just starting to come out of the confusion from it. Even though the comments were wrong and inappropriate, I started thinking that I really have to dig deep to find out why these particular people, the Ns, are so attracted to me and why I am so affected by them. I feel very addicted to her and it really freaks me out-that is what I’m trying to fix. I just don’t want to feel any romantic feelings for anyone until I feel better about myself and fix some of the things that I feel are wrong-it really is quite draining, like you said, and I finally realize how draining it is. 🙂
2b-btw, I’m glad to hear that you started substituting again. I think that is good for you and is shows how far you have come since that last awful work experience that resulted the relationship that hurt you so much. I think that’s great!
Thanks Elizabeth!
Just stay away from people who are toxic to you. Why subject yourself to any confusion? Keep it simple…just avoid it.
Kirsty Allie was talking on a show the other night about how she is attracted to losers and abusers. So, obviously she has some deep-rooted issues that she hasn’t addressed. She also had an eating disorder…an indication of some “issues”.
I’ve been losing weight now too…I told myself that this is the year. I look and feel so much better. I’m not emotional eating. Started again new years day and I’ve lost about ten more lbs!! YaY!!!
I am back to having some financial issues since I modified my loan. I had a nest egg put aside but “sh&t happens” and its gone. The kitten costed me about 1k! So, now I have to figure out a plan ….taking action to do so now. I always “keep the faith” that things will work out. “living on a prayer” as usual.
They don’t call me in everyday to sub…so thats messing me up to. But, I’ll figure out something….its a miracle they even gave me the modification!
I’m glad you are doing better too! You are young enough to have a great future. My bff may be going through a divorce soon. What a mess. But, she is only 41…the same age i was when I divorced. And, her kids are grown up..so she can start a new life. Her husband is abusive too.
I really don’t know too many happy couples. Sad but true.
I’ve learned to be my own best friend and be grateful for my health and avoid most people. lol And I feel better.
Don’t complicate your life…keep it simple….avoid people who aren’t peaceful and happy. ……
There’s so much to do ..places to go….shows to watch…things to read….
Just ‘keep it moving’….thats my motto!
Ox Drover,
Thanks for the info on Aftermath… I’m pretty sure I found the site…
Marie, I used to post on there but have found LF more helpful and open so I don’t post there any more. In fact, I think LF is THE best site for learning about psychopaths on the net and for support from other bloggers.
Marie,
I think it was me that mentioned Aftermath. It was the first site I found when I was questioning what I was dealing with. At that time, the people blogging on there were very helpful. They have a link on there to LF, that is how I ended up here, and I am so glad I did.
AGREE with Oxy 100%, LF is THE best site for learning about psychopaths and from the support you receive. LF is alive, every day and Donna gives the bloggers FREEDOM AND SUPPORT. You just won’t find that ANYWHERE ELSE.
This may not be the corect thread, but today I was back in court to enforce a court order for financial disclosure by the spath ..who has a history of ignoring court orders and failing to pay child maintenance. Today, the spath argued with the judge ..I said hardly anything ..the judge listened to his rantings and he left with a penal notice attached to an order, meaning if he does not comply by the 31st Januray 2012 he will be in contempt of court and will then find himself in a commital hearing i.e. prison.
On the day, he filed a counter application which the judge dismissed ..I had not even seen it, it was done out of spite. Judge to spath ‘I do not believe that you will comply with the court order and therefore I am attaching a penal notice’. Mrs x will resend you her documentation and as I believe that Mrs x has already sent you the documentation I am dismissing your application’ I had the normal ‘she is a child abuser’, ‘she lies to the court’, ‘she is a who**e’, this is from someone who earns 100k a year amd has not had any contact with his children in 5 years.
He left the court furious, and did the ‘stare’ ..I just smiled back at him ..he also in his rantings told the judge that I had upset his Christmas, another tick in the box. Why does a spath think a judge is interested in his Christmas????
Afterwards I met my daughter and 7 of her friends from university and took them all out for supper. Listening to them laughing and having fun was wonderful, and seeing my daughter so happy made me think it really has been worth the stress, and how lucky I am to have 2 wonderful children.
So for all you ladies and gentlemen out there who find yourself in court with a spath, it may take time and effort but they get found out eventually. His worst nightmare will be on the 22nd February at a full days hearing when his previous lies under oath will be revisited.