UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
P.S. I filed the application for enforcement and represented myself, he was also ordered to pay my costs …£90 ..what a wan*er he is!
Wa hey moveingon what a satisfying result!!
They are truly stupid aren’t they?
You spoiled his Christmas. How inconsiderate of you. Hahaha.
Thanks. Your post fair warmed the cockles of my heart.
Get back spath …while I tread you into the dirt. Yes!
Towanda to you and your children:)
Thanks strongawoman. In November last year he complained to the judge that he does not receive father’s day cards ..my fault of course ..He hangs himself, I really don’t have to do anything, he is sooo superior to everyone. The judge in February is the same judge who he told ‘what do you know you are just a woman!’ Finishing with a flourish of ‘my chidlren are not a priority’ ..oh another judge was ‘a liar’. The judge today was lovely, but her cheeks went scarlett after 2 minutes ..I knew then he had lost. The judge repeated his very words back to him which he had uttered 3 minutes previously, he claimed he had not said them ..they are truly delusiional!
The order includes me resubmitting evdience that I sent to the court in February 2011 which shows he was never unemployed which he claimed under oath on 6 occasions. I actually think the court has the measure of him, he is in serious trouble but as all spaths do, he thinks he can blag and lie his way out of the corner he has put himself into. He is simply a pathological liar and thinks everyone is stupid. Unfortunately he has insisted my daughter attend court in February ..out of spite ..he does not even know which university she is studying at, and her statement to the court asked them not to disclose any of her personal details which the court has upheld.
No conscience, no shame, he is just simply revolting and now divorced again from a woman off the internet!! Karma.
Adelle,
Beautiful. Awesome. Fantastic.
Aloha
The Bad Man said I was rude and selfish… and also controlling.
Attacks on our character are meant to throw us off track and put us into defense mode of ourselves… all the while forgetting what they were up to.
Smoke and Mirrors.
Blame shifting, either overt or covert, is a hallmark trait of sociopaths.
moveingon –
“today I was back in court to enforce a court order for financial disclosure by the spath ..who has a history of ignoring court orders and failing to pay child maintenance.”
I supported Ex-Wife 2 (I am Ex-Wife 3) in exactly the same type of hearing last Friday (6th) in Australia. Like yours, it went in her favour and Superspath, who was trying to have her application dismissed, did not get his own way.
His standard fall-back line – in every court I have seen him operate in so far (and that’s a few) – when speaking to the judge/magistrate is that “the situation is actually a bit complicated…I know that’s how it LOOKS but in fact I have been given the wrong information/told the wrong thing by this court/misinformed by the police/led up the garen path by the court staff/given bad legal advice (or substitute any other similar excuse)”. He used it again – he tried to make out that although the Child Support Agency had assessed that still owes Wife 2 over $14,000 for one of three outstanding child support periods, the agency have miscalculated this because of an error at their office…..puleeeeasssssse……
Like yours, Superspath tried to use their child against her, bringing to court with him their 17 year old son and his 15 year old girlfriend. Using CHILDREN as weapons is such a disgusting, low and dirty practice. Wife 2 was body-slammed by the fact that her son was there, as Superspath knew she would be, but to her credit she managed to pull herself together with the result that although the matter is now adjourned for several months, she won on the day and is likely to win at the end as well.
Aloha –
You are so right – nothing but smoke and mirrors – oh! Hang on a tick – I almost forgot – smoke and mirrors AND shiiiiaaaatttttt!!!!!!! 🙂
Liz, the date that I pretty much threw out of my house on Christmas Eve also went on a rant telling me all kinds of negative things about me that really had nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to stick around for one more minute of it. So I ended it. This is not the kind of person I want to be around. I felt slimed and toxic for the rest of the day, so I can only imagine how you feel after dealing with your neighbor for many many months. Yuck!
BTW, I do not own a TV and I have no desire to have one. People tell me I can watch TV shows on the computer. But that kind of defeats the purpose, which is NOT to sit around and vegetate watching TV. I applaud your choices. I also prefer to spend my nights at the gym, out with friends, meditating, reading, or even here. I’m quite sure that when I’m on my deathbed, I won’t say, “Gee, I wish I’d watched more TV.”
Aussiegirl, I don’t know if it’s this thread or another, but I just read how your court case turned out and about him killing your pet. I cannot express how sorry I am and enraged for you. I really hope he is out of your life for good, money or no money.