UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
Aussiegirl, thank you. I hope ex wife 3 case goes well. This is actually my 3rd final hearing, divorce (3 days), his application to vary (2 days – dismissed) and now his failure to provide tertiary education costs which are part of a consent order. He cares nothing for his children and is totally vindictive. using the children to get back at me is what he does, he has lost sight of what the hearing is about. What his income is, what is mine and what my daughter’s costs are, to be shared equally as per the order.
The more successful my children are, the worse he becomes, pure jealousy, he does not see them as children, now young adults, but simply a weapon to be used against me, the court know that, my children know that, the courts have seen it countless times.
If he continues to ignore the order, I will make an application for a commital hearing and he will find himself facing prison. The reason I filed for a penal notice is he will not disclose because he knows he has to pay. That penal notice demonstrates his contempt of court and he is a liar. Pity me ploys ..’an alleged family suicide’, ‘spoilt christmas’, ‘not getting fathers day cards’ ..like who cares, he does it to move off topic and waste court time ..it of course does not work.
Advice for your friend, let him continue, don’t rise to any bait, and if you can put yourself in their weird head, and try and predict the next lie/move. Its quite simple then, because you know what is coming ..and prepare yourself.
He was ordered to pay £60k of child maintenance and school fees in March 2011, I have a high court writ (stayed), miss a payment and then the bailiffs will be back, last time the police had to attend as the now ex wife no2 assaulted the bailiff ..what a nice pair.
Also another tip, everytime a judge asks me a question, I get about 3 words out before he interrupts (he is self repping), I ask he be quiet, he can’t control himself, so I then go quiet ..let the rant continue ..red flags everwhere ..he runs out of steam, so we then get ‘she is a whore’, ‘she is a child abuser’ ..I really don’t care what he says, I always reply when he finally shuts up ‘this is about financial assistance for the children, nothing else’.
Well done to your friend, my daughter is 19, hoped never to see him again, he tried to get her kicked of school in the middle of her A levels prior to university because ..he spent ’60k on his wedding, and 45k on a new car and could not afford his 50% of the fees and any child maintenance’.
When your friend goes to court, speak little, stick to the case, and my technique when it is ranting, is I start thinking about what we will have for dinner that evening, what ingredients do I need, and his voice just becomes a background irritant. I even wrote down my shopping list, and the judge could see what I was writing.
I could not understand why the judge did not shut him up, they don’t because he could appeal, citing he was not allowed a fair hearing. They make themselves look totally ridiculous ..let them ..I say 10% he rants the other 90% and he still loses.
Good luck to your friend and well done on supporting her, that is absolutely so kind of you and shows that you are amazing!!!
I am so, so glad I found this site. I just ended a two and half year relationship with a sociopath. He came really close to destroying me. Parts of me will not ever recover, I don’t think. This is a person I have known for twelve years and although I ”knew” he had issues with lying and infidelity in his past, I did everything I could to ”protect” myself before allowing him back into my life. I don’t even have words for how big of a mistake that was, I hope one day I can tell the whole story here because there aren’t many people (in my life) who understand being gaslit and wrecked emotionally for the benefit of a person claiming to ”love” you. Anyway, I am working myself up just leaving this comment but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here for sharing their stories and experiences. I just had no idea this was so common. I hope to never get ”taken” again.
Devastated,
Welcome to the site. It’s tragic how common it is. I’m glad you ended the relationship. It can only get better from here.
Devastated, we all do it ruminating, go to the thread, it will help you. You are not in anyway to blame, we have all be conned by a spath who tried to destroy us. This site is amazing, I just totally get it now. Its early days for you, small steps, but what you must do is NC and not ever get sucked back in to the vortex of a spath.
Big hugs, don’t let 2 and half years ruin your life …you are worth so much more!
Welcome Devastated,
Sorry you had such a hard time with him, but you will learn the red flags here and to know that they never change….how to recover, and how to protect yourself.
This is a great place to learn about healing! We do understand! Again, welcome.
I discovered ”most” of his secrets and lies in OCTOBER. It has taken THIS LONG (as of Thursday) to finally, completely say NO MORE, NO CONTACT, YOU CAN NO LONGER HARM ME. It confounds me that it took so long to finally make a complete break. I have been sucked back in so, so many times the last three months, always with the wistful thinking of, ”maybe I can help him” or, ”maybe this isn’t REALLY who he is” and yes, I understand now the futility of those thoughts. He is who he is and more importantly he is WHAT he is and there is nothing I can do to change or help him. And of course, because he was scared witless when all of his ”secrets” were exposed he agreed to, ”get help” but as soon as he knew I was, ”back in place” ie supportive of him, that was dismissed. He is fine, doesn’t need help, he just has, ”commitment issues” which is charmingly hilarious given that he was in no fewer than half a dozen other ”committed relationships” while ”exclusively in love with me”. Oh the slow burning outrage at the absurdity of it all. Thanks for listening and replying.
Devastated,
The journey to heal from this, to “get over it” as you might say, is not an easy one, or a quick one….it starts out finding out what they are, and learning the “red flags” of all psychopaths so you don’t fall for another one in the future, forgiving yourself for staying involved or going back after you “caught” him….there’s a lot to learn and do. Knowledge is power, so read and read the articles here in the archives, they will be very helpful to you. God bless. ((hugs))) ps. it WILL get better I promise you!
Devastated, as Oxy says its not a case of ‘getting over it’, it really does take time. I spent one day reading everything on this site, I felt sick at the beginning and sick at the end ..but the first step. Sweetie, they don’t love anyone even their own children ..space and time will give you a different perspective ..NC (hugs)
A different perspective…….something I desperately need. Tired of feeling abandoned, first by the spath ex husband then my siblings as my Mom required more care. Then Mom passed away and no assitance from sibs except to call and ask “where’s the money?” …..and then they feel they are being cheated and slighted in some way. Pure greed. And let’s not forget the “friends” who don’t want to deal with anything that isn’t happy, happy, happy all the time. I’m understanding the hermit lifestyle more each day.
Devastated, we all went back over and over, whether it be for just a few months, or for over twenty years. The reason is because we didn’t understand what a sociopath was, and we all thought there was either a fix or an explanation for why they behaved the way they did. Eventually, we stumbled onto this site and learned what they are. Mine played the most bizarre games. I had never seen anything like it before. I attributed it to a head injury he allegedly sustained while fighting in Iraq. It turns out the head injury was a fake to get out of the army on a phony discharge. The enormity of the lies is really astounding and almost impossible to believe. You learn to believe the impossible with a s’path.
It took about 2-1/2 months for me to figure out something was terribly wrong and for someone to mention the word “sociopath” to me, which led me here. Once I found out what he was, I walked away and never looked back. It was very hard – and I obsessed for a long time, wanting some sort of closure.
One thing you should know, since you’re here, is that all the obsessing, analyzing, and trying to figure out why he did what he did leads to a dead end. You can NEVER really understand the motives of a sociopath because their games are outside of the realm of a normal person’s understanding. The best thing you can do is to just get away and don’t even think about going back. Get away with your life, and you will begin to heal.