UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
Dear New Beginning,
As one who has been alone for many years, with NC with parents or only sibling most of my adult life, I want you to know that this is not a life sentence of loneliness and misery. Sometimes you have to get the life-strangling weeds out of the garden in order to plant new seeds. Even without relatives, you can make a happy life for yourself and draw supportive friends to you. You can become your own mother and father and radiate love outward toward others. I am one of these loners, and I know a few others. The ones I know have become great healers. They are a little ‘different’ and have made their own way without biological family. You know they say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? It sounds glib but it’s really true. When your entire biological family abandons you, then the whole world becomes your family and you get to pick and choose who you want to be in your life. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Personally, I prefer the “Die Broke” philosophy to leaving an estate for your heirs because it triggers people’s greed. Maybe you can just realize that there is greed operating there, and just try as best as you can not to buy into it and become like them.
Thank you, Stargazer. Your words are very encouraging. I think I’ll be ok when I get through the estate settlement. Unfortunately I’m the executor of the estate so it’s in my face and at some point I have to let the greedy sibs into the house (where I now live) so they can take whatever items they want. I think that’s my biggest challenge – it definitely has caused the PTSD to kick into overdrive as currently my son is the only person I allow to come inside the house…..thanks to the trauma the ex psychopath caused.
Don’t need to “try” to not become like them…..I am the exact opposite. Greed isn’t a word that could ever be associated with me.
Devastated,
Once you know that you were victimized by a spath, your whole world perspective is changed.
So it’s going to take time to process all the new information and put the pieces of the puzzle back together, in a new configuration.
For me, it turned out that my puzzle had been put together wrong from the beginning because of my upbringing with my spath family. It was even harder to get clarity on that. Like my spath, my family seemed sooooo nice. There were certain members who had issues but generally they seemed like good caring christians to me. HA! That’s their mask.
Anyway, I just want to encourage you to look deeply at yourself and try to gain from this experience. Examine how you came to fall under the spell of a spath. What made you vulnerable? What was the hook? You might find, like I did, that there are layers of hooks involved.
New Beginnings,
Well, if you have to be stuck in an estate settlement, I suppose the executor is certainly the best person to be. At least you can have first choice of the things you want and put them away where the sibs cannot get them. Best of luck, and I hope it goes smoothly. I will never inherit anything from anyone. It’s kind of a mixed blessing I guess. I could use the money, but I don’t really need the stress.
New Beginning,
I’m sorry your sibs are so greedy. Mine would likely kill me and each other just to inherit whatever small bit there is. It’s more of a game to them than it is about any actual amount. They need to win.
I agree with you and star about being a hermit. It’s so peaceful.
Stargazer
I do think that my investigations has lead me to a definite conclusion about these types. My X! husband is a sociopath, a disordered personality. And his motivation fits the def of a sociopath’s motivation, to prevail over all others. It may take different forms or actions for individual sociopaths to dominate and PREVAIL, but it is the end that justifies their means. To me, it’s not outside the realm of my ability to understand but it is unanswerable b/c spaths mindsets such as my X! husband is SO STUPID b/c their motivation tramples on all the wonderful pleasures of life in this world. Once we’ve come to the conclusion that they are spath, our ONLY recourse is to GET AWAY, reclaim our life, work on healing and NEVER look back. (and holler TOWANDA every time we empower ourselves! It’s become my favorite word. 🙂 )
Thank you Sky and Star. I think I’m just worn out, lol.
Dear New Beginning,
Yep, that’s what happens in “estates” people want the money! My son Patrick was so “into wanting” my estate he sent someone to kill me for it! LOL
Don’t be surprised by your sib’s behavior, that is so TYPICAL. Just do what is JUST, RIGHT, HONEST and then fark’em if they can’t take a joke. Oh, by the way, you should also be entitled to a FEE for being the executor….file for it and take it…and then when it is all over, go NC with these greedy people who neither cared about your mom or about you! You have not lost a single thing by cutting these morons out of your life forever. They are trash!
Of course you are worn out, tired and stressed. Take care of yourself, and do not worry a bit about what the vultures think of you. (((hugs)))
Thank you, Oxy. The executor’s fee for the trust portion of the estate has to be approved by my siblings however the estate attorney told me to let it ride right up until the end. Bottom line is my finances are really tight on the purchase of the property and if they don’t approve the fiduciary compensation I cannot purchase the house…….then it would have to go on the market. I guess their greed will work in my favor then, lol.
Thank you for the hug. 🙂
Need some advice…
You know I had a bad trip experience in Peru as tourleader last summer. I had to come down on the bureau to explain what happened. Since then I’ve been barred from selecting new tourleaders as well as training new tourleaders.
The company are actually 2 companies: a profit tour operator and a non-profit organisation that relies on volunteers: to do the tourleading, the selecting, the training. It’s not just the execution that is done by volunteers, but the courses, the trip’s planning and bookings, the info updates on destinations (hotels, etc) are all done by these volunteers. The board are volunteers. The pruduct team exists half of volunteers, half of workers from the tour operator (managers). The brochure texts are written by the volunteers. The product evaluation is done by the volunteer tourleaders and passed directly to the touroperator. The non-profit organisation does have an office with workers: mostly to set up the weekends, gather papers, etc…
Since a couple of years ago, 4 years, a new head manager was recruited for the non-profit organisation in order to ‘professionalise’ the organisation. She has good dossier knowledge, but is squeezing the heart right out of the organisation.
She has made these rules that even an experienced tourleader, experienced trainer and selector (and I have NO bad rap at all on my training and selecting) cannot train and select anymore after a bad trip. She punishes, but does not encourage (actually she discourages).
She argued that in several trips prior to the last one, there seemed to be a few other trips where 1 or 2 tourists (out of 11) who were not completely happy with me. The fact that the other 9-10 tourists gave me max grades of satisfaction was completely ignored, as well as that these satisfied tourists bought me a ring as gift for 85$ 4 days prior to the end of the trip.
We agreed that I would do a balance weekend. These are debriefing trainings with other tourleaders to assess our own tourleading on the last trip, give each other tips how to deal with a certain situation and come to an insight what we may have done wrong and how to do it better. I asked whether it was possible to forfeit the balance weekend in October. I explained that I felt unsafe at that moment and my general condition in life was such that it would bar me from actually learning something for myself out of it, that I needed to first get my general life in order before focusing on the tourleading alone.
I wrote this to the co-worker of the head. She’s been a volunteer herself and actually KNOWS me and has a heart. I received a warm and unerstanding reply and if I planned to do the balance weekend in the future or lead another trip I just needed to contact her.
I met her personally on a party end of October and she was very responsive to me. By then I had made my breakthrough about why I had been so observing all the time, and unable to act.
Once I knew my exam date for this month (30th) I contacted this person on the office again to enroll myself for the balance weekend (which was yesterday). She answered very business like, and how after the balance we’d have a second office talk (including the head) on whether to prolong my license to tourlead or not. This was kinda confusing to me what she meant by it. The thing is: once we are selected and fufilled the training program we get a pass from the organisation that cannot really be revoked anymore. We also get another national license, that has to be renewed. But we don’t even need the national license to tourlead for the profit touroperator we’re usually linked to. So, did she mean whether they would decide I could never tourlead for them anymore, or whether that I hadn’t met the continuous training requirements for the national license (I filed those papers in the office right on time). But at the very least I noted that this person acted business like and distant to me in the mail.
Anyway, I had the balance moment yesterday. The two trainers are volunteer tourleaders of long experience. They were supportive of my experience and my insights, concluded I had made a correct analysis of what had happened and realized how I should have dealt with it correctly in the future and that I was brave to share it with them. They found I had given several great tips in dealing with certain situations brought up by the others for their trips, including one they had never heard of before and thought so awesome they thought they could use it themselves.
I had a great time, had some great learning experience, felt more confidence, and at the party in the night I had a super time. But I noticed how the office worker who had been understanding in October was avoiding me. She had said hello earlier in the evening from afar. But even on the dance floor she avoided contact (eye, or any other). Meanwhile the head manager smiled and acted as if there was no issue at all.
I also heard that one of the board members had a bad trip one and a half year ago. He was barred from selecting and giving training too. Worse, he had written a year on the course of world religions (he has a master in religion sciences and is a teacher), but was replaced behind his back by someone else to actually GIVE the course a week before that particular training. The content was so large it was impossible for the replacement to actually read it all in one week, let alone prepare it. Not knowing the real deal behind it, he had called the author to ask him whether they could give it together. Of course the author replied that the replacement had to ring office for that and ask THEM.
Another board member who is fond of me, and who had been a witness on the office meetings with this other tourleader on his behalf. He too finds there are ugly poltical things happening and offered me to be a witness on my second meeting on my behalf if I wanted it.
The most professional trainer we ever had, who hasn’t tourled in years, but who is a professional coach for companies day in and day out… THE EXPERT on training is not even training anymore and apparently had a major disagreement.
Anyway… I’m hearing bad stuff about this head manager. I thought her cold. I’m told she’s not just cold, but resentful.
The vibe I got from the co-worker who was originally understanding tells me in my gut that the second meeting will be one where my head will roll. I just am not sure how much it will roll: permanent, or will I be just be put on ‘hold’.
I’ve been thinking about a strategy deep and hard. I know that eventually this manager will NOT stay forever. She’ll choose to move on to another job eventually. The other office-workers will alter too (I’ve seen many changes there in the past 10 years). Meanwhile I can be a member each year, follow a lifetime of training for a little money. I may be put on hold, true… but I didnt plan on tourleading coming summer anyway, because of the studies and moving to my own apartment. I need to heal compeletely anyway, get the rest of my life in shape, and only time will do that, little step by little step. Maybe the hold may take longer than a year… but who’s gonna stop me from applicating with ANOTHER commercial adventure touroperator in say the Netherlands in the meantime when I feel I’m capable again of tourleading (and I did promise myself to never tourlead anymore and put myself in a situation as I did last summer unless I feel 100% confident again). Anyway, I don’t feel like blowing bridges over this manager, when I can still meet fellow tourleaders and follow training, etc…
What’s your opinion on this thing? Any strategy tips?