UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
Dear Darwin’s mom,
I think this new manager is out to “get you” and that happens….I’ve been there and done that when a new “boss” comes in and they have to show their power by coming down on some staff member hard.
If I remember correctly, you are a volunteer for this group anyway, it is not a paid position….and I am going to assume that there are other groups just like this in your country, and also ones that pay tour leaders.
One way you might get this done is to RESIGN before they fire you. Tell lthem that you just don’t feel well enough right now to do tour leads or even teaching leaders so that you just think you will resign and that you appreciate all the things they have done for you (don’t mention what you have done for them) LOL THANK them profusely and tell them that if in the future you decide to do any tours you will contact them.
I think when you know in your gut you are about to be fired or persecuted by a manipulative nasty new boss it is best to resign before that happens. At least you will not have a “fired” on your resume.
And in the future you can say if you apply to another company that the reason you left company A was that the new boss and you were not compatible.
Good luck!
As a social organisation for people my age, passionate about traveling… no, there is no such other organisation. It is unique in that way. I have many friends in there (other volunteers) that I often only meet through these weekends.
There are other tour operators yes to tourlead for and get paid for it. And I have no qualms to tour for them.
I would just HATE to lose the contact I have with the hundred volunteers I know there. I’m not even sure she can actually “resign” me, and if she did, it wouldn’t ever be on my resume. I think she does intend to put me on hold, make it practically impossible for me to tourlead for them. But whether she can actually bar me from getting training myself… not sure
Oxy, I sent the co-worker (who now avoids eye contact with me) an email…
Dear ***,
The balance moment did me very much good at the very least: with the feedback I received about my share during the Peru trip, how certain actions can indeed have their effect, the experiences of others, the sharing of my tips and the tips of others in relation to ‘attention for every tourist’. It was a beautiful day.
I have a Math II exam (space math) for my new studies in Physics on 30th of January and so will be studying day in and day out the coming two weeks. So, I cannot appear for a second meeting at the office with you and **** (manager) about my dossier in that time.
My report on Peru and other documents are nearly finished, but will have to wait until after the 30th to complete it. I use the mailed deadline for myself to complete that chapter and leeave it behind me, but not to tourlead a trip this year. I will combine my second semester with interim teaching and will spread my exams in 1st and 2nd chance. Aside from that I’ll be moving and decorating my own appartment coming summer. Painting, decorating, retiling a bathroom and studying has to be done.
Aside from that I have promised myself not to tourlead anymore unless I’m 100% self-assured, like I felt in Costa Rica and the plenty of Mexico trips (with the hurricane trip on top of the list). I do not want to put either myself or others in a siutation where I’m not strong enough to deal with a 2nd leader. I want to be confident and rested enough that I can give everyone attention, int he quantity I know was necessary in previous trips.
I know I need time to heal from the emotional and psychological abuse I experienced by my ex-partner, as well as the snowball effects that followed from this on my job and the Peru trip. I may be over the traumas and have clarity of mind on last year, am happy again, but a lot of self-work and rebuilding is in order. The confidence will not be 100% again without enough social experiences, and I do not believe this will be done by the coming summer. Not to mention that I know I am triggered by people with alike manipulative behaviour and who enjoy power for power alone. Nothing can prevent of having such a tourist along, and I must be sure that I can handle them correctly without being triggered. I am not even sure whether that is possible. Only time will tell.
I recognize that it would have been better had I not tourled Peru last summer. But both myself and my therapist had judged myself more self-secure, nor had I any idea that my ex-relationship would have such a general impact on my functioning. Sadly enough, that was a mistaken judgement.
I do have the feeling that you have already made a decision before the balance, *** (her name), even though I have no idea how far this decision goes. Maybe I’m experiencing it wrong, but your previous mail reply was very businesslike and you appeared to avoid contact (including eye contact) last Saturday. Just call it a gut feeling.
I would like to thank the organisation via you for all the beautiful moments and experiences I’ve had the past ten years, as well as the opportunity to give back to the organisation I love so much out of passion and love. I hope that maybe in the far future this can happen again.
With much love,
Darwinsmom”
Mind you… I sent it to the person I’m sure of that she has a heart.
Darwin’s mom,
The e mail is sent and I hope that she receives it in the way that you intended it be received. That’s the problem with some people who are prejudiced against us by the person who is high in P traits. So, I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.
At this point I think you do need to focus on yourself, your education, your new apartment etc. and that is a good decision to do so.
Also, you know I have left jobs that I loved for one reason or another and felt that it was a big loss, but in the end it turned out to be a godsend that another door opened up to a much better situation/job/life experience so this may be that for you as well! Not all things that appear a challenge/bad thing turn out in the end to be “bad” but just the precursor of something BETTER! (((hugs)))
The person I sent this mail is not the manager high in spath traits. I would never send such a thing to her, NEVER. I sent it to her co-worker, who is avoiding me in personal contact… It’s the P manager who smiles fake to everyone.
The woman I sent it too is someone I know for 9 years, very warm, emotional and supportive. I think her behaviour of avoidance stems from guilt. She knows the manager made a decision, and the empathic co-worker is distancing herself to be able to go through with it.
I’m actually quite sure she will not fully disclose my email to the manager, just what my decision is. But I need her to know that I’m taking a responsible decision and I wanted to put in practice what I should have done with the tourist in Peru (and my principal of last year): reveal what I noticed in their behaviour and how it makes me feel. She will know that comes from strength, not weakness.
Darwin’s mom,
Well I hope she does, but you know, I have a thing about NOT TRUSTING those who “distance” themselves from me. Skylar calls them “fence sitters” and I agree with her about them. They don’t have the courage to stand up for what they know is right, but instead, they distance themselves from us when they see the vultures closing in. Maybe I’m cynical but that’s just my take on it. I knew you were sending it to your “friend” who was distancing herself from you and not the other one you were talking about…but it doesn’t matter now in any case. I hope you are right and I am wrong and she does not share it with the manager that you think is high in P-traits. I just know I have no confidence in those that “distance” themselves from me. I hope I am wrong in your case with this “former friend.”
I agree that she’s a fence sitter. She knows what the other wants to do, and wants to get emotionally detached when it occurs, so that she can do and agree with what the other plans, even though deep down it’s wrong. I just did not want to let her off the hook as easily: I wanted her to know that I noticed. I don’t think it’s gonna change things in the short term. But at least I feel for myself that I stood up for myself.
I intend to do this second meeting after the 30th, when I have all the papers and reports done. In the meantime, I’ll be considering and contemplating whether I’ll take a witness with me along or not.
Yup, I do think the manager is high in P traits…. she’s resentful, is double faced, has lied to me twice (came back on a promise twice), demotivating instead of motivating, she makes up these new regulations on who can do what in the organisation which helped her to get rid of competent people of the previous heart periods and create a new inner circle of volunteers who don’t know any better, using past customer reviews even from before the time she was there (while those were long debriefed and ok’d and balanced out), squeezing the heart out of the organisation, without empathy… but she never ever has followed the training herself, NOR has she ever tourled herself. I can notice that the other office workers seem less joyful and open-hearted in general to everyone.
When I still used to select new candidates I used to perform after-parties. Those assessment weekends with situation games were heavy and taxing, with us often discussing and preparing interviews for the next day of the candidates until 11 or 12 pm. So, on Saturday there usually was a party for the candidates as well as the selectors to blow off some steam. But the end time was 1 am. If you finished by midnight and only had an hour of slow dancing and salsa music, instead of disco, funk and some rock there was little or no steam blowing. So, once the candidates were off to bed, we asked and got ok’d to perform an after party in one of the assessment rooms far off with a disc player for the assessors alone. I put on some of the music, we bought boxes of beers. Usually, by 2am or 2.30 am people would go to bed. And it would have had fulfilled its purpose. The beers that were not opened, were taken back and the money for them repaid. Now, this was prior management. Of course, people started to rely on me to get it organised. She was hired and she didn’t like it. She didn’t forbid it, but twice she came back on her promise to repay the beer (and I had funded it) that wasn’t used, conveniently ALWAYS after I had already returned them, telling me those funds went straight into the organisational funds. Everybody else on those after parties was luckily so kind to pay their share to me of the non-refunded beers. Of course there are NO after parties anymore, and they are forbidden now. Stupid, because they hurt nobody.
There’s also this rule now that on weekends only one person of the office will be present at the weekends. However, they are the face of the organisation. The first training weekend was one where you would arrive as a new candidate and the WHOLE office would know your name. It was important to make personal contact. On the first weekend in November, there was only 1 person of the office and she didn’t know everyone’s name. Explanation: money saving.
The 3-monthly magazine has been reduced to the bare minimum. There used to be a yearly book of pictures with address, picture and email. This year no picture book anymore: only online. We’d get a paper at the start of the weekend with a program of what happens when, timing etc, including names of who does which training, given by whom. We don’t get those anymore either. Just one big paper hanging from a wall. Of course, these are all “rational” decisions to cut expenses.
Duplicity: people are told there are enough trainers and selectors when you volunteer, but then afterwards you learn they were in a panic because they didn’t have enough people, and them frantically calling people who are out of the loop of it all and who didn’t volunteer for that time. Like that replacement of my colleague board member for that religion course. The replacement had no idea of course why it was not given by the author of the course, and innocently called him up to ask him whether they couldn’t give it together.
There are ugly things going on. But I also know it won’t last forever. One of the previous managers was a bit of an octopus. She’d feel and get the emotional part of you, but was short sighted when it came to solving things… she had no trust in people if they didn’t function exactly the same as she did. Typical for an intuitive learner, who hates theory, but just knows by intuition to do the right thing. I had one conflict with her once, which prompted me to start applicate for other firms (which is why I know I’ll be hired after a first meeting with my resume in no time if I want to at another firm). I had a meeting with her for which I had prepared myself strategically, and got out of it what I wanted: convinced her to ok me training people, and when I did train, I always got raving reviews. Anyway, 2 months after that meeting she had applicated for another job and wasn’t even at the office anymore. She’s not even training anymore. She’s a fellow tourleader.
That is why I’m reluctant to blow up bridges for good. I know this one will move on eventually. She’s head manager for 4 years now. I’ve heard the board member who volunteered to be a witness mention something how it seemed that degrees in this and that for show have come to matter as a political jump platform. He too told me he expected me to be put on hold, and advized me to just bide my time, come to weekends, get training for the fun of it, etc..
She has hammered now and put stuff in place to reduce costs… and I think she did this to get an excellent budget report for her resume. I expect her to move on by next year.
darwinsmom,
Your email doesn’t have anything that can be used against you, as far as I can tell.
You did what you had to do to get closure and time will reveal the truth about your friend. it usually does.
I have to agree with Oxy, be alert. I’ve been stunned by what I learned when the people I thought were caring turned out to be spaths.
We have a tendency to attribute our own traits to others. This is a mistake, not everyone is like us. Spath traits are on a spectrum so some have it more than others.
All empty people will mirror us so it is difficult to pin down the less spathy ones. They seem soooo nice. Just like us. All we can do is watch for red flags.
Hind-sight is an electrifying thing. Truly.
I can see all the ‘red flags’ NOW but at the time…
Oh my goodness: there should be a Golden Globe for
that performance. In all my years, never seen a better one.
I am becoming so very grounded now in the truth.
I am cementing in the acceptance.
Nite everyone…
Dupey
Yep Dupey, the performance is something else. I recorded several of my spath’s performances. It helps re-assure me that it actually happened when I begin to doubt myself. because… who does that?
Nite.