UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
Sky… What do you think: bring a witness to the meeting? Ask them whether I can record it? I will surely will at the very least take paper and notes along to actively make notations for my own memory.
Now that I think of it, because I wrote it above… it is VERY spathy imo… she makes all these rules about people training and selecting if they had an outstaning review on their last two trips. She conveniently ignores 10 raving reviews and nitpicks on the 2 little bit lesser ones. Claiming that if you haven’t tourled without any issues you are incapable of training and selecting. BUT she herself ALONE has never tourled or even followed the training. (Heck even the people who work for the profit touroperator and file the bookings and do not tourlead are obliged to follow the training by us). In other words, I and others have no permittance to coach and select, but she has the right to bar people without ANY tourleading and training experience at all. So the rules she applies onto others are not applicable to her. Only spaths get away with that imo, and can actually make it up.
This weekend though helped me to be sure again that I am a good tourleader (if I’m fully functional). The coaches themselves pointed out to the other trainees how I had explained perfectly how to deal with certain issues, how I had given golden tips, and how they were inspired by a tip of mine to try it themselves, never even having thought of it themselves. And they tourlead for about 20 years or more.
The spathy manager tried to pinpoint on some imagined issue I may have had in every trip (based on those 2 somewhat lesser issues) in the first meeting that I needed to work on and find a solution for in the balance moment. She has been trying to sow the seed that I’ve been always basically incompetent, that I do not have the potential in that first meeting. She’ll try to further that line of thought again. But the shoe doesn’t fit. And I was reminded it doesn’t fit because of the balance yesterday.
Darwin’s mom,
a recording would be very helpful.
If you do get to do that, make sure you speak the date and time at the beginning. Mention the place and purpose of the meeting and ask the participants to state their names for the record.
I expect that you will get some resistance, be gracious and let them know how helpful the notes will be toward improving your performance.
Remember, you goal is to come out looking good because that way you will be hired at other tour groups if you decide to apply. Nobody likes a whistle blower.
I’m being slandered to the neighbors now. This N pisses me off and I was doing the whole gray rock thing and now I am going to flat out not even respond to hello anymore. I don’t ever want to talk to this thing again. She saw me hanging with the other neighbor and walking her dogs together and knew that we had a drink last week. She called the neighbor and tried to make me look crazy to her. She isn’t buying into it, but it still makes me mad as all hell. It’s proof that chronological age and maturity have nothing to do with each other. I feel like I suddenly woke up back in high school. Can you GET anymore immature. This is ridiculous. It’s not like I have an easy time making friends anyway since I’m shy and don’t have a lot of confidence. I guess she wants me to be as pathetically alone as she is. I’m so angry right now. It sure didn’t take long for her to start this crap.
Losing is Sometimes Better Than Winning ~
http://wakingyouup.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/losing-is-sometimes-better-than-winning/
I read this today from a site I get daily messages from called GreatDay.com
I wake to read his messages each day and they are always wonderful and help keep my head where it needs to be. I thought everyone here would appreciate the words.
Bring the best to life
+++++++++++++++++++
Be at peace with what has been. That enables you to focus all
of your attention and energy into making the best of what
can be.
Let go of the need to prove you’re right. Instead,
concentrate your thoughts and efforts on being your best.
Get beyond your worries about what may or may not happen, or
what other people might think of you. Invest yourself in the
real and present actions you can take to make a positive
difference.
Your life is too important to waste even a moment or two on
things you can’t do anything about. There is so very much
you can do instead, and so very many things you can
positively influence.
Put all your efforts into what will bear fruit. Give your
time and attention to the things that have meaning and value
for you.
Feel love instead of fear, joy in the place of worry, and
focus on your possibilities instead of resentments.
Visualize life at its best, and bring the best to life.
Nice one Dupey. Especially found the part about why they continue to stalk you very interesting. My ex is being a nuisance again and I feel it’s because he wants to be in that damn driving seat. He wants to say when it’s over. He was always so proud that no woman had ever dumped him, allegedly!
oh yes strongawoman, I know exactly what you are talking about. They all want to be in that drivers seat.
you know why they don’t like NC? Because they have no control and no power when we do that. It takes all that right away from them when you just suddenly stop participating.
sometimes, though, they get mean, cruel and violent…
so a person has to be careful what they do and what they say until they are completely gone and away from this ‘entity’.
They don’t like losing control and especially to a woman…
stay strong, strongawoman…
I think my troll has climbed back under his bridge again…for a moment, anyways — shhh: i want to be very careful not to awake him….i need to get across the bridge first and be long gone before he awakens and smells my bones….
((hugs my friend))
Dupey
Thanks No Contact Rules for that amazing post!
How nice to awake with the voice of reason…
Peace and joy to you this day.
Dupey
NoContactRules, thanks for the words of wisdom. I have cut and pasted this into a word document and will print it up and put it in my house and my office.
No Contact Rules,
Thank you so much for sharing. An aquintance of mine who hosts spiritual / consciousness gatherings recently contacted me with a message from “Bob” who is her guide/contact as I have not been attending any gatherings lately. The message though worded differently was the same. I was also told that if I learn to get through this difficult time by literally living “in” the moment that amazing things were ahead for this year. Exactly what Oxy has experienced……one door closes, another opens and it’s often better than what was left behind.
Certainly words for us to live by especially when freeing ourselves from toxic personalities.
Peace
~New