UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
12 Seduction strategies from the Sociopath Playbook
You are most welcome, Strongawoman.
I beat myself up for a long time, eventually learning what I needed to do was stop and allow myself to heal. Otherwise I was in an endless loop of misery. The analogy of a broken leg worked well for me. I knew if I didn’t allow it to heal, I wasn’t going anywhere. At this point the cast is off, still hobbling around on crutches but I plan to be off and running again soon!
The meeting will be done with the co-worker…. They’re 2 people, and me. She won’t say anything nasty, because it’ll be important to keep her mask on in front of the co-worker.
It’s because they’ll be 2 people that the board member offered to be a witness.
I understand the possible reason for doing it covertly, but I know I’ll feel bad about it. It’s not just as much that I want to “backspath” her, but rather that I want to create an environment where I feel empowered and more in control to pause about my responses, and that she has to think harder on what she says about the shoe she wants me to wear that doesn’t fit. I do have the id she’ll want to make me admit that Costa Rica implies I’m unable to convince people.
In the first meeting I kinda went along with her pointing out that I was unable to convince those 2 who had kinda gave me lesser grades on 2 points only. She ignored the maxes of the other 9. I’ve been thinking very hard how come I thought it was actually a great trip in Costa Rica… because I had even a more difficult customer who I knew would try to convince people not to go to a certain reserve and stay on the beach instead. For a day or so, our 2 resting days on the beach were a stressful “will we go or not” by several “not sure yet” types. The group would have been split in two. But I knew what he was trying to do, even before he knew he was gonna do it. So, I managed to convince these people to go to this special reserve. In other words, I actively convinced 8 people to go to a unique, once in a lifetime spot (even though you need a tractor to get up the mountain). The couple and the manipulator as a threesome meanwhile stayed at the beach for several days more and then rejoined us 3-4 days later. The next day we were dumped in a dumpster hostel because of a double booking. I already feared the worst once I learned this contact person had arranged “a solution” for us. I knew that especially those 3 would have great difficulties with the hostel, and I didn’t feel like staying there if I could find an alternative. So, with one helpful tourist I went searching for an alternative, but I did not say this to the group yet, not sure whether I was gonna find one, and not wanting to give up the beds we did have. The manipulator tried to rile up the rest of the group against me over it, while I was looking. But the other 7 told him that I most probably was looking and would find an alternative for them. And I did, and I returned with great news. After that, the manipulator who hadn’t want to come along on the excursion the next morning, changed his mind, made a click, came along… behaved and joined in the fun the rest of the days. He even personally told me that he had finally understood what it was all about. He admitted that it wasn’t really his thing, but that he should make the best of it and let others enjoy it too. So, I managed to convince 9 people, including the true trouble maker. I did not manage to convince the girl of the couple, but she had had Infectious mononucleosis until shortly before leaving on the trip, and she had joined in on every morning and evening excursion and day-activity the first week. She was knackered. She was truly fatigued, and just couldn’t anymore. I can understand she was inconvincable. Her bf actually had no issue with me nor the trip. He had wanted to go to that special reserve and come on every excursion. But he was gonna marry her that same year, and eventually opted to support her. Even the last evening he mentioned he kinda felt sorry. I think it’s only proper for the bf to have supported her, even if it cost me a few grades.
So, if she mentions that trip, I intend to turn the tables on her… point out the raving grades of the others and how I (and only me) managed to convince 9 people of the product as well as a my tourleading, while without my anticipation, my enthusiasm, my natural feel for timing when to do what with physically healthy people, and my organisational skills the group would have been split in half half through the trip. If I managed not to convince the girl, it was out of respect for her fatigue and out of respect for her relationship with her bf.
Darwinsmom,
yes I agree that in this situation a hidden tape recorder will not help you. It must be out in full view for it to do its job.
Because your goal is to come out looking trustworthy, not spathy (even though she is a spath), if you pull out a hidden taped recording to prove your point, you will actually be proving the opposite. But a tape out in full view will force her to “act civilized”.
Your challenge is to find the right words so that she agrees to allow the tape.
Darwin’s mom,
You know as a “tour leader” I do NOT see how you could get ALL of any group to say your tour leading was “superior.” There seems to always be some creep in a group that there is NO WAY you are going to make this creep happy and he will give you a bad evaluation. It is just like customers or clients, not all of them are going to be pleased with your services. The tour company cannot expect the IMPOSSIBLE…you can keep most of the people happy most of the time, but not all of the people all of the time. They have to be reasonable I would think.
Star –
RE: Blanche (my pet hen) : (
Thank you for your kind thoughts. xx
Hi, Aussie girl, glad to see you! Hope all is well and you are doing great! Without any problems from the bad man.
Hi Oxy –
Just here briefly – got sooooooooooo much cleaning up to do after the trial, still have piles of paper all over my dining room floor from the past 2 years spent being my own lawyer! Today is the day! I recently reclaimed my lounge room, now it’s time to get the rest of my house back to normal.
I am fine thank you for asking. The Fibro has been pretty awful since the trial finished – I have had all of the horrible symptoms that I had when it first put me off work and they have been just as severe as they were back then – but at least I know what it is now and how to manage it, so I’m doing way better with the pain and fatigue and I am not panicking about what the various other silly symptoms might be as I know it’s only this dumb disease. But overall, I am doing really well. Been going cycling 3 times a week to try to nail the Fibro – it hurts like all hell but I’m not giving in to it. I did 10km+ yesterday; not bad for someone who couldn’t cycle to the end of her own street 6 months back.
So far, all has been quiet on the Western front but we did have a scare Wednesday night. I heard a noise outside, thought it was the cat, went to check then heard more noise near the cars which were parked on the verge outside. Without thinking I wandered out there (my friend was asleep in bed, didn’t like to wake him because he doesn’t sleep well and I knew he had work early the next day) and shone my torch around. Couldn’t see anything so started back to the house but as I passed one of the cars I saw a man hiding under it. Pretended I had not seen him, kept walking, calling the cats, telling the dogs to be quiet, got inside, called the police then woke my friend.
We were both convinced that it might be someone sent by the Superspath – possibly my former stepson – and I didn’t want the person escaping before the cops arrived, so like a pair of idiots we went back out to catch the guy. I had the torch and a can of bug spray (for the mosquitoes, of course…), he had both hands on a piece of heavyish work equipment (that he was just putting away in his car, of course….) and the guy tried to run for it, fell and tripped onto the roadway on the hem of his baggy trousers then begged us not to hurt him. While he wasn’t looking I had grabbed his car keys, which had spilled onto the road when he fell and I hid them in my garden until the cops arrived. He fed us some sob story that didn’t make much sense but we pretended to go along with it, getting him a can of fuel for his car which he claimed had broken down and spending about 20 minutes “looking” by torchlight for his lost keys; as the police car turned into my street I miraculously “found” the keys and handed them to the bad guy.
During the police questioning it came out that he was driving without a licence for the third time, he gave a false name and false address and he had tried to break into at least 3 vehicles when he had told us it had only been mine. He was also wanted on several other charges so he went away in a police van. The police very kindly told him that we had not wanted to press any charges but had been going to give him the fuel and send him on his way – hopefully this will avoid any repercussions at this end. Turns out it was unrelated to Superspath or his schemes, but I just couldn’t face the thought of more time in court and told the police I would give a written statement if they needed me to but that I really didn’t want to have to go to court AGAIN to give evidence. Luckily the guy confessed so it looks like I won’t have to.
It never rains, hey? I live in the quietest street in town and yet of all the houses on this big, long road, they target ME…..sheeesh!
Aussie,
wow! that must’ve been traumatic. I’m glad you weren’t by yourself.
Smart thinking, grabbing his keys and pretending to look for them. I love it!
Darwinsmom (and others in a confrontational situation)
I am agreeing to secretly record EVERY conversation where the other person has power over you.
It’s NOT for proof. It’s for INformation for YOUR use.
My reasoning is this: I know me. I know that I am NOT good in a confrontation. It’s my nature to try to reason with others, to tell them what is going on with me so they understand that I am not their enemy. But sometimes OTHERS are YOUR enemy and it has NOTHING to do with you. They are inappropriate b/c they’ve been triggered. And they use their power to punish the one that they can, not the one who harmed them.
The recording is for YOU to listen to, to gain insight on what is actually being said, and what you might rehearse in case of future or continued confrontations.
This advice is obviously for socially awkward people like me, who had no way to develope social skills so angry dominating abusers tend to have a hayday with me, I protest but in the moment I am lost for the right thing to say. A recording helps me to understand what’s going on with the other person, and I teach myself how to appropriately respond. But it might ALSO be useful for very intel social aware person who knows she’s going to be isolated with an abuser. ALthough you can’t use it in court, nobody says you have to lay yourself out for the abuser to do whatever they desire. It’s a tool for your use to defend yourself, nothing more or less.
Sky –
You know, it was pretty stupid of me in the first place to go outside alone at 10pm at night, particularly given the fact that I am currently on “spath alert” due to recent events; but my town is relatively crime-free and as I said, my street is normally so quiet, being right on the edge of a quiet country town. Besides, I have security lights and cameras everywhere now and that has completely altered how I feel about things – the “seige mentality” that initially hit me again after the trial and Blanche’s death has dissipated over the past few weeks.
I guess the upside is that I clearly am not “living in terror” – but I hardly showed “caution”, either, so it’s been a lesson all round.
When the torchlight caught the guy under my car, my heart very nearly stopped and I felt nauseous – I truly thought that it was my former stepson (now 17, very big, very strong, very cruel, very aggressive and has recently told his own mother that he has access to a gun and that he might kill her with it…); it was only adrenaline (not bravery) that got me back to my front door with no outward signs of panic to tip the guy off that I had seen him.
Once on the telephone to police, I was hyperventilating and my legs wouldn’t work properly; my mouth was dry, the room was spinning, etc, etc.
Oddly enough, once he stood back up after tripping and I could see it wasn’t who I expected it to be, I became very calm and in control; all of the PTSD symptoms just reversed themselves.
The silly thing is, the situation could have been equally dangerous with this guy, but I was nowhere NEAR as scared as if it had been Superspath’s kid.
I even blasted the guy, telling him that I didn’t care that he had no money for fuel, that I didn’t either and that I had been off work sick and on social security for over a year and that the bank had almost taken my house so HOW DARE HE come and take MY fuel when I was probably more broke than HIM! I also yelled at him for scaring me, telling him that he had no idea WHAT I had been through these past few years or WHO I had thought he was and WHAT I had thought he had been there for…..kinda funny when I look back on it now…..he must have apologised 100 times for frightening me; he was still apologising as the cops locked him in the van.
In a way, I think he copped the pent up venom of everything I would love to yell at Superspath but know is pointless (LOL)
As for the key-grabbing – not sure what came over me; maybe too much TV-watching!! (LOL)