REGISTER | LOGIN
By | March 10, 2011 87 Comments

TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: It was all for ‘our’ business, ‘our’ future

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader in Belgium who posts as “Nicola0903.” English is not her first language.

Four years with a Sociopath. He was my best friend, my family, my soul mate, my lover, my business partner.

I was 29, a foreigner in Belgium, with already some life experiences. Because my ex-business partner and ex-boyfriend that time decided suddenly to leave our brand new company, I stood there ”¦ Alone ”¦ with new clean sheet with “BVBA with marketing activities” on it — my job and hobby. I started “to swim between the sharks” and with success till I met HIM.

“HE” was one of my first big clients. A charming, a good looking guy, around 40, an experienced businessman, in suit, black hair, dark skin and big smile on his face. An American in Belgium.

We were both foreigners in this country. We could talk ALWAYS, EVERYWHERE, 24/7 about EVERYTHING! Whaauw, I met a soul mate! Finally I met an ideal partner for my private and business life, I THOUGHT!

HE was divorced, he said. Two kids. He didn’t mention his girlfriend, HE Lived with! Later on, I noticed, there is a girl in his house. I didn’t care, I was too much busy with my company: my job, my hobby. I wanted to succeed. I worked 24/7 because I wanted to SUCCEED.

I guess, in meanwhile HE has “checked” already my character and personality and he started to play his “GAME” six months after we met by suggesting a few business plans to me, how to make a “fortune.”

BUT”¦ I started to have feelings for him and HE kept saying that “HE was falling for me too.”

He said: finally a women he can TRUST, without a control and jealousy behavior. A normal women I can build a life with.

So why don’t you leave your girlfriend? Was my question for coming four years.

As he said, his ex-wife a was a “president of evils,” possessed bitch who doesn’t want to divorce him because “she is sick jealous” of his relationship with Kate—his girlfriend, he lived with! His ex has been making a huge troubles for him, wanted to break their relationship by many different ways. I said: POOR YOU! And I was sure, I was the ONE, he will choose.

Kate was in his eyes, as well, a controlling, manipulative, extremely jealous and alcoholic schoolteacher, he could not get “RID OF” because of “many reasons.” She would damage his LIFE and himself, she was physically attacking him, scratching his eyes and many ugly things he said about her. POOR HIM.

That’s why HE HAD TO STAY with her”¦He was afraid, poor guy!

I bought it. I believed everything HE SAID! POOR GUY! HOW COULD HE LIVED LIKE THAT, was another question for two coming years. Why onlytwo2? Because after 2 years I knew, I was fed up. I spoke to him every day to support him and gave him advice about what he could do to FEEL HAPPY AND FREE AGAIN.

In a meanwhile”¦ I have been busy with my marketing for him and “HIS new IDEAS,” every day. The bills were coming, more and more, as only one company leader I had my RESPONSIBILITIES! But he DIDN’T PAY me! He had always a good reason or explanations about NOT PAYING. (kids, wife, spending a money for his lawyers,..) The best explanation was: “Nicola, I do it for you, just for you, for OUR FUTURE. I Don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I work for you my dear so we can FINALLY GET OUT of this country and travel.” You will have a lot of money but just “KEEP WORKING now.”

And I did.

After one year WE started to realize one of HIS PROJECTS (IDEA) equals NEW IDEAS NEED MONEY!

He was an American, didn’t have ANY rights in Belgium, no bank accounts, no legal papers”¦Which I thought is strange as he has been married with a Belgian women for long time, his kids went to school.

HE also could not become an “OFFICIAL partner” of my company because of ”¦ “Ex-wife, gfriends, people, past life, ex companies, promises and promises, ALWAYS HAD PERFECT EXPLANATONS!

Strange was, He was always A VICTIM. All other people and companies wanted to “DESTROY HIM!”

And I believe. God, he could speak so perfectly. POOR HIM!

He became a SILENT PARTNER of my company. “I am an experienced business guy, Nicola. I have so much work experiences, I could not work for ”˜a boss.’ You don’t know how to run business, so LISTEN TO ME, because ONLY I WANT REALY HELP YOU.”

Bla bla bla

And I listened. I wanted success, I wanted to show to my parents that I am able to take care of myself and to take care of them for a change.

And I loved him too. I was not IN LOVE, I LOVED HIM with all his mistakes. Despite that he never came just to visit me in the evening, never called me or had a dinner together with his kids. Only few times when his girlfriend was gone for a vacation or “when I was keeping distance.” Otherwise he was always With HER. God that was painful. But ”¦

I wanted to get to my goal, to be a successful and I tried to ignore that emotions. I believed in myself, and my business, but my intuition was saying something else: Wrong Partner.

HE NEEDED MONEY, DECENT CAR, A BANK ACCOUNT, INVESTMENTS, INVESTORS, BANKCARD, NEW PHONE, MONEY, DECENT OFFICE to MAKE “MY” BUSINESS WORKING !!! HE NEEDED EMPLOYEES, MARKETING STUFF, NEW PRODUCTS AND AGAIN MONEY ”¦ He said!

I trusted him as never no one in my life, I LOVED him with all his mistakes, I could marry him with all his mistakes”¦

HE Kept saying the same: “Nicola, DON’T GIVE UP ON ME YET! WE WILL MAKE IT, I promise!”

I gave him everything what I had. He even found a new house just next to his house and HE signed a contract. Only when all that finished, I have heard what HE SAID to Real Estate company. Lies. Lies about everything and everyone. After he was gone from my life I SAW THAT IMAGE, THAT PERFECT GAME.

But let’s go back to my story ”¦

Two years later, KATE – the schoolteacher closed her SHOP (which HE BUILT for her at that time. SHE took everything out, all furniture because probably she couldn’t handle full-time job and shop as well. He was very disappointed because SHE and her parents did not allow HIM to be there!

She left him a FREE SPACE with very expensive rent. HE NEEDED A SOLUTION for it equals ME and MY COMPANY of course and I opened a COFFEE SHOP later on.

HE rented his space to my company, which is illegal. I have been paying a rent/monthly cash to him so he can pay to owner! Coffee shop existed two YEARS, I never saw a proper contract. HE said: “DO NOT WORRY NICOLA, EVERYTHING HAS BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.”

I put my heart there, I loved my shop. 24/7 work, hard work plus marketing activity and him, non Stop begging for MONEY, RENT, CAR, CARDS plus ALL bills and executors bills where coming towards me plus I had some loans at the my bank as well. I had to asked for investments money to “make a fortune for US.”

I gave him A LOOOOOOOOOOT! I became a GOLDEN BIRD IN CAGE and I LOST CONTROL over my life and business. I Worked worked, no social life, I though I was stupid, insane. AND HE WAS the PRESIDENT! Travelling around the world for “OUR BUSINESS.” I could not go with him because I had to pay rent of coffee shop and we went through some economic crises that time.

To make it short: HE could cry with real tears saying “I LOVE YOU,” or “HELP ME” or “WE CAN MAKE IT, TRUST ME.” He could LIE PERFECTLY. He never picked his phone, never reachable, for me or clients, meetings cancelled or replaced. It was always MAYBE, WE WILL SEE ”¦ 1000 of sms’s DAILY, Harassing email DAILY, changing of plans DAILY, and asking for money”¦For food, for clothes, for “Our” business, For “our office.”

He had no responsibilities in his life. He had 1000 IDEAS, HE COULD CREAT A GREAT BUSINESS PLAN OF THEM BUT ”¦ That’s it!

When I started to finally ignore, or I kept distance, or was angry, or If I tried to discuss”¦NO CHANCE.

I was a fool, ungrateful bitch, not respect him, his life, his love, I was playing FALSE GAME ”¦ I WAS EVIL ”¦ I AM VERY CALM PERSON BUT when he did that, I COULD SCHRATCH HIS EYES OUT.

I was mentally and physically at the END! I prayed for end of all that misery. It was too late to stop and go my own way. I was too deep “in the shit.”

HIS TARGET WAS: TO GET MY MONEY, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. To suck my company dry, to destroy my name and company and OPEN HIS OWN.

HE succeeded!

When I refused to pay him a false invoice sent by executor, HE and HIS girlfriend TOUCHED WHAT WAS MOST PRECIOUS TO ME and I BEG HIM ALWAYS not to take it from me ”¦ My coffee shop.

He took everything! Changed the locks on the door (office-coffee shop) and I ended up literally on the street”¦with debts. I LOST very much money. ALL Was mine. He invested ZERO but of course When I said it to him- he almost killed me because I was the one playing the games.

My car was all I had.

Thanks to two people who helped me to survive and get back “on the horse” I am now continuing with my life. I live in a studio, but I have again many business opportunities and my private and social life is also much better. I am paying off but that fine.

After, when he was gone, I saw clearly that image he was “painting.” I understood all the connection lines between all people in his life.

HE was sure, I would disappear from the country immediately but ”¦ I am strong! AND I believed in myself. We are nine months later and I am starting to live my new life”¦happy new life. Sociopath Next Door! GREAT description of HIM.


87
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Ox Drover

Dear Nicola,

Welcome to LoveFraud and thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that you have endured such a horror story. I am also ashamed that a fellow country man of mine is out there showing the face of the “Ugly American” to the world. Unfortunately too they are in every country in the world.

I am glad that you are recovering your strength and have a place to live and are getting your business ideas up and running again.

Keep on reading and posting here, as we learn more and gain more knowledge we regain our power. Knowledge=power. The journey starts out about them, but ends up about us and we become stronger and better than ever before—and wiser as well. We have paid the tuition to the school of life, the “university of hard knocks” as we say here in America.

Nikky

Thanks for your comment.
This is just an ’abridgement’ I would say.
Yes, you are right about school of life. On one hand, I am thankful in some degree because it won’t happen again, but on other hand, I am trying to ’pretend’ nothing happened, to continue with my life and work, to fit in the group of people who are surrounding me, but even thought I decided to get professional help. I lost trust, I feel depressed, huge up and downs and I am having doubts about myself.
I would like to write a book or an article one day. It’s stunning how speculative his game was.
Thank you Donna for posting

skylar

Nicola,
welcome to LF. Stay a while and read some of the posts. You will find that it starts with learning about them and you end up learning so much more about yourself. This is your second spath? I’m so sorry.

My owns spathsicity lasted 25 years. Before that I had spath brother and sister and Narcissist parents. We are primed for the picking by our upbringing. what was yours like?

candy

Nicola. Thank you for sharing your story, and what a story it is. It takes a while to put the puzzle together but once we do we can see them for what they really were.

I was at a group recently and the discussion turned to domestic violence. One person said ‘I can’t understand why the victim does not just leave’. Well I nearly flew off my chair to try to explain……..you see anyone who has not experienced a spath can’t understand.

We are sucked in, promises, lies, tears, more lies, love bombing and so the cycle goes on. We have invested so much money, time, love etc that we are like a gambler who keeps paying money into a slot machine. The lights are flashing and we keep thinking it’s gonna pay out soon. We keep pumping money and we are willing it to pay out. Every now and then we get a small win, so we put more money in because we have invested SOOOOO much, we can’t walk away. Same with spath, we give it our ALL and he/she just keeps taking until in the end we have nothing. And we look back and think ‘why didn’t I just walk away?’ Truth is, like a gambler, we were addicted.

Nikky

Thank you for comments, finally people who understand what I am talking about.
@Candy:
Yes, I know the feeling when someone ask you ’why didn’t you just leave??
and you have so much to say to them, so much to explain but I know it’s just a wasting of time, because they haven’t experienced that.They say to me: ‘You are so stupid you didn’t leave, it would never happen to me!’

@Skylar: My upbringing? My father has been an alcoholic, very aggressive, 2 faced person. My mother has been physically and mentally abused. She was not able to protect herself and her children. My childhood i could compare to a fight to survive and my days were filled with a fear.
My siblings are happily married now, we’re supporting our parents and love them. Strange is none of us, after so many years,(Im34) is able to ’discharge’ our father because he could attack mother.

candy

Nicola – They say to me: ’You are so stupid you didn’t leave, it would never happen to me!’

No, they cannot understand and YES it could happen to them.

My father-in-law was a drunk. He used to abuse his wife. When she was dying of cancer we finally managed to get her away.

I remember to this day the first thing she wanted to do was go home cos she said she hadn’t left him anything for his tea. And I remember thinking WTF

Take care.

Claudia

Nicola, your story sounds very similar to Donna’s. Fortunately, it seems like you lost less of your money, even though your heart was broken. People who have not been targeted by psychopaths will probably never fully relate. It’s such an alien experience. But we understand you and are here for you.

Ox Drover

Dear Nicola,

Sometimes people who have grown up in an atmosphere of terror or trauma though they are unhappy, somehow see that as normal and perpetuate the cycle of victim or abuse…either themselves becoming abusers or being victims of abuse. Other people some how manage to be NEITHER an abuser or a victim when they become adults. I sometimes wonder why—what makes the difference in if we become functional, or an abuser or a victim? What makes the difference. why some kids out of a family will be abusers themselves, others victims and others functional?

Why do we continue to be manipulated? I wish I knew the answer, but I think the answer is genetics and environment play on us just as they do on the psychopath.

The thing we must do though is to DETERMINE what we will do and then stick to it. To understand that WE CAN CHANGE and stop being a victim. To understand what we were doing that caused someone else to be able to abuse us. What were we thinking? what were we doing? Then stop thinking that and stop doing that.

You said you and your sibs are taking care of both your father and your mother because you are afraid that you could not protect her otherwise.

What Candy said about getting her mother away from her abusive father as she was dying and the mother wanted to go back because she had not left him anything for his tea. So many times the caregiver/victim roll is held on to by a trauma bond.

My great grandmother who was a trauma victim/caregiver on her death bed at age 80 said to her abuser husband “Oh, Felix who will take care of you when I am gone?” She had taken care of him, been his victim, and raised her daughter to be the same kind of woman—and that daughter, my grandmother, protected her psychopathic son from the consequences of his behavior until she died–then my own egg donor too on that role and insisted as she got older that I take on that role to protect my own psychopathic son from the consequences of his behavior. Now, punishes me because I refuse. So it is passed down in both the genes and in the training and the family dynamics and the roles we are assigned in the family to play in the “family script.”

I’m determined to break out of the CYCLE of abuser/victim/rescuer!!!

Nicola, it CAN happen to others too—one of the things about this blog is if you will notice is that most of the bloggers here are WELL above average in education and smarts, which is one reason this blog is as interesting as it is, as educational as it is. BEING CONNED CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE!!!! But you are also right, they won’t “get it” and understand until they have experienced it. Thinking they are immune to being conned gives them a FALSE sense of safety!

YesIt'sMe

Yep, Oxy & Candy,
It CAN happen to anyone! Well, okay, maybe it can happen more easily to *us*who have a childhood/life history of emotional &/or physical abuse, but it can happen to anyone. That’s what’s so maddening: when people outside the relationship see it & think, “how could she have fallen for that? it was so obvious to us!”

Well, “outside the relationship” is the key factor. I hate having to say again & again, “He was just a very proficient liar.” It sounds like a rationalization. No, it was the reason & the reality.
It’s been said 1000x: they’re Very Gifted at what they do!

I look back now & remember vague thots drifting thru my mind, “I’m so fortunate to have this so-perfect man….I could never be so lucky to have anyone else love me so much, with all my flaws.” YIKES! As Claudia says on her spath awareness blog, “We may have our flaws, but at least we’re honest & real!”

No More! I may have my flaws, but I now know how *lucky* he was to have had me…..in spite of all the horrible things he said about me after he left, all the horrible things I know he told her about me….well, it wasn’t so horrible that he wasn’t comfortable in it for 8 years when he needed me/my home/my community/my “veneer of respectability”.

Poor woman…..his now “loving & godly wife”…..she has no idea…..or maybe she does…..I hear they’re having financial problems now (with all her wealth!), & she’s even removed her FB page with all her 350 friends of status & prestige around the world! Wonder if they’ve had to go into hiding from the IRS or others who’re catching up to him……:-)
[I know: NC! NC! NC! But this info does make me smile!]

Ox Drover

Dear Yes, BOINK! You know you’ve been a baddddd girl looking at her FB page! LOL 🙂 But at least you aren’t crying about it! Good for you.

But you knew that they were not going to live “happily ever after” now didn’t you? You know he will smooze her along for a while until she has no more money and then he’s off to the next victim. Or maybe he’s back in prison….???? Who knows, but quit looking and start working on your own life, darling! He is not worth your time! (((hugs))))

YesIt'sMe

I am finally strong enough to start working on my own life, Oxy! Wow! One thing that I think helped is that I stopped taking antidepressants. I don’t think I could’ve done it much sooner, but I’d just begun to feel that my thinking was foggy…..why was I taking them if the depression wasn’t lifting? So, with the okay from my therapist & NP, I stopped a couple of weeks ago, & I feel so much more like myself than in a long, long time!

I’m volunteering with my church’s mission trip to Haiti in May….working to raise funds for the mission & to pay for for my own $1600 fare so that I can go help clear rubble myself. Everyone is rightly focused on Japan right now, but, sad to say, the situation in Haiti has improved very little since last year. They’d planned to go in December, but postponed the trip til May because of the cholera threat. I’m very excited about this!

And I just got off the phone with a new attorney who seems anxious to take our estate case against my SP/N brother. Wow! That’s another huge thing! I finally got my head working well enough to ask for advice from a high-powered atty friend from high school who practices in the area……just amazing that it’s taken This Long to get my brain & body back in gear!

But it’s happening. Wow. My dog & I have been walking to the top of the highest mound in the center of our valley….now aptly renamed Prayer Mountain. I used to walk up there quite often 10 yrs & more ago….loved going up at night to watch meteor showers & eclipses. 231 steps straight up, & it seems easier than it did when I was *young*! And it is still so HIGH up there!

I’ll be applying for that “patient safety asstnt” job at the area hospitals in a couple of weeks (when they start taking applications), & I’m really looking forward to that possibility……just sitting with patients with dementia, etc, watching, talking, & calling a nurse if they get agitated or try to get up. Hell, I know about dealing with crazy people, & I can sure sit & read & watch tv with them—I’ve done a lot of that!

It’s been 10 months now. And a few months ago, no one could’ve convinced me that I’d ever see real life again. There IS life after a sociopath. It ain’t been anything close to easy, but danged if the air isn’t clearing, & options opening up.

Ox Drover

Dear Yesit’sme!!!

Darling that is wonderful news! I am so glad that things are opening up for you and that life is starting to be good again!

I’m kind of glad to see spring coming again too, and your trip to Haiti sounds like it would be good for you! That’s great! So much grief all over the world and heart ache and trauma…and we are SO BLESSED even with the things we have as challenges we do have clean water and a roof over our heads and food to eat and that is so much more than many people have! Have a safe trip and keep us posted!!!! (((hugs)))) and God bless.

TouchedPoetess

Mame! Please forgive me if what I am about to say sounds harsh and please know that I sympathize with you greatly and completely understand the spiritually,(downright demonic!)mentally & emotionally abusive ways wicked people like this can so con volute and distort things that your brain can really just turn to oatmeal mush.I am still crying (at least not multiple times a day) but probably at least bi-weekly some 4 mts later over my own devastating involvement with a man with no conscience it seems,defiantly a pathological liar and whom I believe may just be a bonifide Sociopath.I hope to post my own story soon…What I cannot abide though is women who sleep with “other” women’s men in the first place,.(Once again I am not judging you just voicing my opinion & questions)I am of the personality and temperament that I don’t believe I could ever “share” a man,especially someone I loved.To me this is not jealousy just good old fashioned healthy love ethics and..although I’m not saying I couldn’t ever be swindled out of money,so much has happened in the past 2 yrs I thought could never happen,I am disgusted with the idea of “supporting” or giving to a man monetarily.Call me a southern belle,non-feminist or “unmodern” if you will..but to me…it just goes against the nature of what a man and women should feel do and be for each other.

wisergirl

This just makes me so mad!!! I am very happy to hear how you are doing great, I totally relate. I, too, am happy with very little materially, just enjoying LIVING finally. Just being able to laugh and for everything to not be constant smoke, mirrors or just being terrorized.
However, when I read these stories it makes me so mad I want to scream!! So unjust what these creatures do. Then, i remind myself. Ultimately, they ARE truly the losers. They will never wake up in the morning and feel gratitude or love. They will never hold their child and feel that overwhelming sense of love. They are neither hot nor cold. THey are an empty, black hole.
But it still really makes me mad that they get away with this behavior. lol.

superkid10

skylar

I just can’t imagine how your SPATH lasted 25 years. How did you tolerate it?

skylar

Superkid,
It was the martyr-complex programming from my parents. I can tolerate anything. Plus, he was really good at hiding things, and making up excuses for his bizarre behavior, so I didn’t question it. Lastly, the parental units programmed me to believe that I should stay with one man. Both my sisters and I have this belief that you find one man and divorce is not acceptable, we are catholic. Even though I never actually married him, in my mind the concept was the same.

The catholic church is the greatest enabler of evil on the earth.

lesson learned

Sky,

I agree with that, but so are the “christian” churches, pentecostal faiths, sometimes ten times worse!

I grew up Catholic too and understand clearly the consequences of divorce.

LL

skylar

LL,
I haven’t really looked too closely at other Christian churches, but what I’m referring to is that insidiousness of the catholic church’s teachings. They seem so innocent, but what they are is a form of control of the sheep. It gives the wolves a free pass. And it is taught at a young age just to make sure that the programming really sticks.

lesson learned

Sky,

Yep, so true. I don’t attend anymore, Sky, and haven’t for quite some time. The teachings underscored P daddy’s behaviors.

N mother’s too. The church never did a thing for me, even when they found out there was abuse going on in our home.

LL

Recovering

Guys my ex Spaths new victim just contacted me!

lesson learned

Far,

Take a deep breath here. What happened?

LL

Recovering

She said for me to leave him alone and that I was disrespecting the man she loves. Now mind you, I just broke it off with him a week ago. He has a tendancy to go back to old flings, basically women that he played to the left for sex probably and he will leave them. Just as a spath does, leaves without warning and has you wondering what happened, the poor girl probably did love him and was waiting on a call back all this time. She said he told her all about me, probably painting a nasty pic of him, saying I hurt him, the same things he told me his ex did to him, blah, blah, blah. Funny how they use the same lies over and over. She said she knew him from college which must have been back in 2009, he only did one semester which he failed all courses and was flunked out! DUMB ASS! Anyway she said that he was trying to give me closure by calling me ( I LEFT HIM) but I was such a bitch and he has been coming to bed complaining about me and my disrespect as I would tell his spath ass to leave me alone, f you coke head, and so on….I told her that he will make me appear to be the crazy one, lie to her, and leave her. I said since she has been to college to research sociopaths and not to sleep on this one! And also that I wished I was forewarned. I am sure she is drowning in the flattery, I love yous, and all the attention now. But maybe, just maybe, she will get on the computer and take my advice. It is highly unlikely, but I feel sorry for the poor girl and it was sickening to hear her speak so highly of him. Teah right! (PUKE) In another one of our beloveds words. LOL

skylar

Far,
be careful, he may have put her up to it.
Let her do all the talking then guide her, but she’ll need to learn this on her own.

lesson learned

Far

LOL to leave him alone and not to disrespect the man SHE loves.

Um, she doesn’t know yet, Far, obviously and it’s clear he’s lying through his teeth and is telling her all this crap to drama her up to contact you. What is interesting to note, is that he’s already playing games with her throughout all of this scaring the wits out of her.

That’s really sad, Far.

It”s really good that you were able to slip one in about sociopaths because perhaps she will remember that.

LL

Recovering

I thought this would hurt, talking to his new (fake) love but it did not! It reminded me of all the lies and how corny he is for telling us all the same damned thing! I feel free, and happy! Happy to have let him go! My poor heart only weeps for this new chick who may be weaker than I was. She may stick around for years believing all the lies. But fuck her! She disrespected me! I dont understand why women are always in defense mode with other women. If I am calmly speaking with you, have not raised my voice and trying to tell you about an ex, who wouldn’t want to listen. I have always wanted to speak to an ex to get “the low down.” I guess everyone just does not think like me.

candy

Far – this is probably part of his DRAMA. Be very careful. He sets it all up and then sits back to get the reaction. They feed off this kind of sick drama. My advice – for what it’s worth from someone who’s been there is…….switch off your phone. Read the messages when YOU are ready. Think about what’s said, post here if you need to BEFORE you make any response.

This contact will have triggered you and you will be buzzing. Slow down, think like a spath for once!

You can not ‘save’ this young woman she needs to save herself. All you can do is be patient and NC. He’s probably trying to hook you back in. Don’t rise to it 🙂

Recovering

I know he put her up to calling me…Sure of it! And like a dumb bitch she did it! I only call her dumb because how does she REALLY know what happened between us? So for her to get involved is stupid. He already has her hooked obviously.

lesson learned

Far,

Spaths love triangulations **sigh**….it sucks but they just do. Blow this off and ignore his ass. He just wants a reaction, setting up a scenario where two women are “fighting” over him. Oh brother, the oldest play in the spath book.

When you don’t react, it’ll piss him off. He may try it again, but just stay NC, even with the new victim. It’s not her fault. He would LOVE it if you called her names or showed any “anger” or “Disgust” towards her. She’s a victim too. If she calls again, be kind and polite and compassionate, share that it’s best that she not call again and that you wish her well and freedom from her dependence upon spath.

Let it go.

LL

Recovering

Candy, good point! Maybe even trying to make me jealous with the new woman! NOPE! I made it very clear that leaving him was the greatest gift I could have given to myself! I am definitely not a candidate for returning to him. After talking with you guys and all the knowledge I have soaked up this week, NO WAY. I still hurt but only because my feelings were taken advantage of! I do not want to go back! PROMISE

candy

You’ve got it Far. He’s playing the mind games with her already. It goes something like this…….’Oh pity me I have this mad woman chasing me and she’s a nut job! Be my mummy and sort her out, I’ve had such a tough time, feel sorry for me’ Pass the puke bucket.
Let’s see…if you left him then he couldn’t blame you so he switches it round in his twisted little head.

lesson learned

Far,
you make me feel so glad that I was the OW, ex doesn’t want new gf to know about me. Thank GOD!

I”m safe from stuff like that. PLEASE remember, she’s not purposely being a bitch, Far. she doesn’t KNOW yet. She will soon enough. If you can, try to have compassion for her, and to remember that he’s already got her all twisted up. Don’t play the game.

Just walk away. She’ll figure it out soon enough. If she winds up with this guy for a long time, well……….we all know what the end of that will be. Seems the longer one stays the worse the pain will be. You get to avoid it, Far.

Don’t let him use her by riling you up about it. When you get uptight, he wins. Remember she doesn’t get it yet.

LL

Recovering

LL Oh yes I was very nice and kind even with her calling me a million bitches. She was the one giving him ALL the power. “man I love” “do not come between us” “I will hurt you”etc…OVER IT!

candy

Spaths keep a few victims on the ‘back burner’ so that they can run to them. Who shacks up with a new woman in one week?! Oh yeah….a spath.

Recovering

Funny how she loves him ALREADY! Ha! These motherfuckers are good!

lesson learned

Far,

Mine tried the whole back burner crap too. I refused to be one. That’s all there is to it.

I think I’m one of the lucky ones in that he won’t be contacting me again. He has new gf to lie to, get all hate focused on the ex wife. what a life that would be! UGH NOT!

Far, feel sorry for her. He already has her REACTING. Isn’t that interesting?

Well, she can have him all to herself now. No prize there.

candy is right too, who shacks up with a new woman in one week, a month, or two? Oh yea, a spath!

It’s only been three months and spaths new gf is living with him.

Poor thang!

But all I know is that I’m FREE from all of that!

WOOT!

LL

Recovering

What do they think of the ones who figure them out? Obviously they tell lies on them. But in his head, is he really feeling defeated?

lesson learned

Far,

Well, you know, it’s prolly not love chica. But yea, they’re just that good, but eventually you find out that the presentation wasn’t real …..how long did it take you?

That’s where she will be eventually…..

Ll

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Hi LL – do you know if lorazapam or other benzodiazepines are available over the counter in the US?

lesson learned

Hey Onesy

No, I have to get mine prescription. Why?

LL

candy

Good advice LL. You are right you have the greatest gift of all…freedom. Yahoooooo.

candy

Far – no he does not feel defeated. Pished off maybe but not defeated. he’s playing you like a cat with a mouse. Toying with you until he gets bored. Don’t buy into it. NC.

skylar

Far,
I posted before I saw your reply.
Of course he set her up to hate you. Remember Mary Jo Buttafuoco? She wrote the book, “getting it through my thick skull” (available through this website) about Joey Butt and Amy Fisher and herself. It was a triangulation that the Butthead started and ended up with Mary Jo getting shot in the face by Amy. Don’t let this go there.

If she calls again, treat her like you would a crazy person in a mental ward. Be very very calming and quiet. NO DRAMA.
Explain to her that there is this thing called triangulation which some men do, in order to get women to fight over them. . Remind her that her emotions are not her own but that they have been implanted in her by him through his constantly talking about his ex (you) which would be considered inappropriate by normal people. Tell her to remember Mary Jo and Amy Fisher and perhaps read the book, because she has started down the slippery slope after Amy Fisher.

You did great already Far. I hope she doesn’t contact you again, but I fear that she might. Be ready because she is already starting to sound nuts. Do everything you can to sound calm and calm her down as well.

Recovering

LL Triple WOOT WOOT WOOT!!! My spath said he even stayed with 3 women at the same time once. I guess anything is possible for a spath. A FREE place to stay, a FREE cooked meal, and FREE sex! He said he divided the week up and spent time with them equally, I guess loving up on them and getting them dick drunk enough for them not to worry about the other days he was in the wind. I am really faulting myself for ignoring him while he was telling me who he was. It’s so crazy how the mind works. how we hear what we want to hear. UGH! Love, no, I feel disgusted! What I do not get is if she knew we just broke it off how is it possible for them to be all hot and heavy this fast? What the hell?

lesson learned

Far

LOL< it's called OXYTOCIN!! He's sexing her up, and lying his ass off to her, using you to do it. Yep so typical spathy. She's "under the influence" Far.

Soon enough, she'll figure it out. Soon enough. Look at this way, and I've said it before here to you, but how long did it take for YOU to get it? What happened in YOUR relationship with him? What was it like in the BEGINNING with him? That's where she is now dear.

The sad thing about it, is that spath is having a great time, laughing at her AT HER inside about it. She's hooked. Isn't that sickening? He's "WON" in his mind because she's buying into his monumental piles of bullshit. SAAAAAAD!

Next time you ask yourself how it happens so fast, think about how it happened with you. THere's your answer.

LL

Recovering

LL I noticed the inconsistencies with the lies around the second and third month. One began with the lie about work. I found him a bit disturbed whe he told such exaggerated stories about firing people etc, took it to the extreme. then his patterns would change and he would forget what he said about where abouts. He was on cocaine and I knew he acted strange from time to time but I never did confirm his drug abuse til the sixth month. Month four he got erratic and tossed me around the house. Before the I give up stage, he injured my neck (herniated disk) (sp) The last couple months I was convinced something was seriously wrong with him, upset about the drugs, and I knew he was cheating. I basically stayed because of convenience and not wanting a failed relationship, fear of being alone. I wanted to help him. Felt sorry for him.

lesson learned

Far.

Same with her. This is the stuff she’ll be dealing with too 🙂

LL

Recovering

He told me he loved me first early on but I did not respond because I really just did not at the time. He was charming, affectionate, and there for me. I was also very sick during the beginning and he took care of me, this is what got me hooked. He preyed on my illness and was there for me when I needed him. My spath was not too bright! Huge liar but his stories always conflicted and I caught that. I simply looked over them and turned my cheek. Plain and simple.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

LL – just wanted to see if it was possible to buy ativan over the counter. I have an ’emergency’ meeting with my doc early next week – but she has steadfastly refused to help me in this area.

(and before anyone chimes in with, ‘well, these are serious medications…blah blah blah’ – save your breath, I don’t wanna hear it. 🙂 and when i say that someone usually feels compelled to anyway…that’s a boundary violation. )

i need some help LL – i am numbing myself out because the anxiety is just too high. feel like i have entered the twilight zone.

lesson learned

((((((((((((((((( Onesy )))))))))))))))))))))))

You’re not going to get an emotional beating over the head from me on this one.

It is inevitable that you will have a physiological addiction to the meds. Physical and emotional, but I deal with such high anxiety and sleep insomnia that I’d be DEAD without it!

Properly monitored, taken CORRECTLY these meds can be a lifesaver.

You need it, Onesy.

I think you are close to me? If your doc won’t give you the meds, there are docs that will. Mine is very good about this as well as monitoring and accountability.

NO ONE has the right to tell you what’s right for you, Chica in what you need to cope. No one has a problem with antidepressants right? Well they don’t work for me. Makes things WORSE.

You know your body and your mind.

You will have no issue with me. Take the medication responsibly, and you will feel that you can handle your anxiety better.

Many PC’s are reluctant to hand out Benzos, because of the addictive quality, however, if you have a good PC they can hold you accountable, and if you’;re taking them for the right reasons, you can be monitored accordingly.

If you can’t get them from your doc, get them from someone else who gets the anxiety factor.

THere is NO EXCUSE for you having to suffer more.

LL

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hi LL – i know you wouldn’t flinch at this 🙂 and you have given me a great line to use on my doc, ‘THere is NO EXCUSE for you having to suffer more.’

i live nowhere near you. wrong country. 🙂

yep, ssris are the new benzos. i have the same response to them – AAAANNNNND i am not depressed, i have anxiety.

not sure where else i can get benzos – i may have to go to emergency, and i don’t know if that will really work.

yes there are consequences. i have had ativan before for back muscle spasms. I understand – but i am a 51 year old woman who is self medicating herself into a stupor. THIS is not less destructive. i am just so fed up with this horse hooey.

i really like your line about suffering. i will craft a little 4 sentence ‘pitch’ for the doctor. (who i KNOW self medicates…given her size. I guess the difference is I AM NOT IN DENIAL!)

(((hugs)))

Lovefraud is being upgraded. Comments and forum posts are temporarily disabled. Dismiss

Send this to a friend