Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader in Belgium who posts as “Nicola0903.” English is not her first language.
Four years with a Sociopath. He was my best friend, my family, my soul mate, my lover, my business partner.
I was 29, a foreigner in Belgium, with already some life experiences. Because my ex-business partner and ex-boyfriend that time decided suddenly to leave our brand new company, I stood there ”¦ Alone ”¦ with new clean sheet with “BVBA with marketing activities” on it — my job and hobby. I started “to swim between the sharks” and with success till I met HIM.
“HE” was one of my first big clients. A charming, a good looking guy, around 40, an experienced businessman, in suit, black hair, dark skin and big smile on his face. An American in Belgium.
We were both foreigners in this country. We could talk ALWAYS, EVERYWHERE, 24/7 about EVERYTHING! Whaauw, I met a soul mate! Finally I met an ideal partner for my private and business life, I THOUGHT!
HE was divorced, he said. Two kids. He didn’t mention his girlfriend, HE Lived with! Later on, I noticed, there is a girl in his house. I didn’t care, I was too much busy with my company: my job, my hobby. I wanted to succeed. I worked 24/7 because I wanted to SUCCEED.
I guess, in meanwhile HE has “checked” already my character and personality and he started to play his “GAME” six months after we met by suggesting a few business plans to me, how to make a “fortune.”
BUT”¦ I started to have feelings for him and HE kept saying that “HE was falling for me too.”
He said: finally a women he can TRUST, without a control and jealousy behavior. A normal women I can build a life with.
So why don’t you leave your girlfriend? Was my question for coming four years.
As he said, his ex-wife a was a “president of evils,” possessed bitch who doesn’t want to divorce him because “she is sick jealous” of his relationship with Kate—his girlfriend, he lived with! His ex has been making a huge troubles for him, wanted to break their relationship by many different ways. I said: POOR YOU! And I was sure, I was the ONE, he will choose.
Kate was in his eyes, as well, a controlling, manipulative, extremely jealous and alcoholic schoolteacher, he could not get “RID OF” because of “many reasons.” She would damage his LIFE and himself, she was physically attacking him, scratching his eyes and many ugly things he said about her. POOR HIM.
That’s why HE HAD TO STAY with her”¦He was afraid, poor guy!
I bought it. I believed everything HE SAID! POOR GUY! HOW COULD HE LIVED LIKE THAT, was another question for two coming years. Why onlytwo2? Because after 2 years I knew, I was fed up. I spoke to him every day to support him and gave him advice about what he could do to FEEL HAPPY AND FREE AGAIN.
In a meanwhile”¦ I have been busy with my marketing for him and “HIS new IDEAS,” every day. The bills were coming, more and more, as only one company leader I had my RESPONSIBILITIES! But he DIDN’T PAY me! He had always a good reason or explanations about NOT PAYING. (kids, wife, spending a money for his lawyers,..) The best explanation was: “Nicola, I do it for you, just for you, for OUR FUTURE. I Don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I work for you my dear so we can FINALLY GET OUT of this country and travel.” You will have a lot of money but just “KEEP WORKING now.”
And I did.
After one year WE started to realize one of HIS PROJECTS (IDEA) equals NEW IDEAS NEED MONEY!
He was an American, didn’t have ANY rights in Belgium, no bank accounts, no legal papers”¦Which I thought is strange as he has been married with a Belgian women for long time, his kids went to school.
HE also could not become an “OFFICIAL partner” of my company because of ”¦ “Ex-wife, gfriends, people, past life, ex companies, promises and promises, ALWAYS HAD PERFECT EXPLANATONS!
Strange was, He was always A VICTIM. All other people and companies wanted to “DESTROY HIM!”
And I believe. God, he could speak so perfectly. POOR HIM!
He became a SILENT PARTNER of my company. “I am an experienced business guy, Nicola. I have so much work experiences, I could not work for ”˜a boss.’ You don’t know how to run business, so LISTEN TO ME, because ONLY I WANT REALY HELP YOU.”
Bla bla bla
And I listened. I wanted success, I wanted to show to my parents that I am able to take care of myself and to take care of them for a change.
And I loved him too. I was not IN LOVE, I LOVED HIM with all his mistakes. Despite that he never came just to visit me in the evening, never called me or had a dinner together with his kids. Only few times when his girlfriend was gone for a vacation or “when I was keeping distance.” Otherwise he was always With HER. God that was painful. But ”¦
I wanted to get to my goal, to be a successful and I tried to ignore that emotions. I believed in myself, and my business, but my intuition was saying something else: Wrong Partner.
HE NEEDED MONEY, DECENT CAR, A BANK ACCOUNT, INVESTMENTS, INVESTORS, BANKCARD, NEW PHONE, MONEY, DECENT OFFICE to MAKE “MY” BUSINESS WORKING !!! HE NEEDED EMPLOYEES, MARKETING STUFF, NEW PRODUCTS AND AGAIN MONEY ”¦ He said!
I trusted him as never no one in my life, I LOVED him with all his mistakes, I could marry him with all his mistakes”¦
HE Kept saying the same: “Nicola, DON’T GIVE UP ON ME YET! WE WILL MAKE IT, I promise!”
I gave him everything what I had. He even found a new house just next to his house and HE signed a contract. Only when all that finished, I have heard what HE SAID to Real Estate company. Lies. Lies about everything and everyone. After he was gone from my life I SAW THAT IMAGE, THAT PERFECT GAME.
But let’s go back to my story ”¦
Two years later, KATE – the schoolteacher closed her SHOP (which HE BUILT for her at that time. SHE took everything out, all furniture because probably she couldn’t handle full-time job and shop as well. He was very disappointed because SHE and her parents did not allow HIM to be there!
She left him a FREE SPACE with very expensive rent. HE NEEDED A SOLUTION for it equals ME and MY COMPANY of course and I opened a COFFEE SHOP later on.
HE rented his space to my company, which is illegal. I have been paying a rent/monthly cash to him so he can pay to owner! Coffee shop existed two YEARS, I never saw a proper contract. HE said: “DO NOT WORRY NICOLA, EVERYTHING HAS BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.”
I put my heart there, I loved my shop. 24/7 work, hard work plus marketing activity and him, non Stop begging for MONEY, RENT, CAR, CARDS plus ALL bills and executors bills where coming towards me plus I had some loans at the my bank as well. I had to asked for investments money to “make a fortune for US.”
I gave him A LOOOOOOOOOOT! I became a GOLDEN BIRD IN CAGE and I LOST CONTROL over my life and business. I Worked worked, no social life, I though I was stupid, insane. AND HE WAS the PRESIDENT! Travelling around the world for “OUR BUSINESS.” I could not go with him because I had to pay rent of coffee shop and we went through some economic crises that time.
To make it short: HE could cry with real tears saying “I LOVE YOU,” or “HELP ME” or “WE CAN MAKE IT, TRUST ME.” He could LIE PERFECTLY. He never picked his phone, never reachable, for me or clients, meetings cancelled or replaced. It was always MAYBE, WE WILL SEE ”¦ 1000 of sms’s DAILY, Harassing email DAILY, changing of plans DAILY, and asking for money”¦For food, for clothes, for “Our” business, For “our office.”
He had no responsibilities in his life. He had 1000 IDEAS, HE COULD CREAT A GREAT BUSINESS PLAN OF THEM BUT ”¦ That’s it!
When I started to finally ignore, or I kept distance, or was angry, or If I tried to discuss”¦NO CHANCE.
I was a fool, ungrateful bitch, not respect him, his life, his love, I was playing FALSE GAME ”¦ I WAS EVIL ”¦ I AM VERY CALM PERSON BUT when he did that, I COULD SCHRATCH HIS EYES OUT.
I was mentally and physically at the END! I prayed for end of all that misery. It was too late to stop and go my own way. I was too deep “in the shit.”
HIS TARGET WAS: TO GET MY MONEY, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. To suck my company dry, to destroy my name and company and OPEN HIS OWN.
HE succeeded!
When I refused to pay him a false invoice sent by executor, HE and HIS girlfriend TOUCHED WHAT WAS MOST PRECIOUS TO ME and I BEG HIM ALWAYS not to take it from me ”¦ My coffee shop.
He took everything! Changed the locks on the door (office-coffee shop) and I ended up literally on the street”¦with debts. I LOST very much money. ALL Was mine. He invested ZERO but of course When I said it to him- he almost killed me because I was the one playing the games.
My car was all I had.
Thanks to two people who helped me to survive and get back “on the horse” I am now continuing with my life. I live in a studio, but I have again many business opportunities and my private and social life is also much better. I am paying off but that fine.
After, when he was gone, I saw clearly that image he was “painting.” I understood all the connection lines between all people in his life.
HE was sure, I would disappear from the country immediately but ”¦ I am strong! AND I believed in myself. We are nine months later and I am starting to live my new life”¦happy new life. Sociopath Next Door! GREAT description of HIM.
Dear Nicola,
Welcome to LoveFraud and thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that you have endured such a horror story. I am also ashamed that a fellow country man of mine is out there showing the face of the “Ugly American” to the world. Unfortunately too they are in every country in the world.
I am glad that you are recovering your strength and have a place to live and are getting your business ideas up and running again.
Keep on reading and posting here, as we learn more and gain more knowledge we regain our power. Knowledge=power. The journey starts out about them, but ends up about us and we become stronger and better than ever before—and wiser as well. We have paid the tuition to the school of life, the “university of hard knocks” as we say here in America.
Thanks for your comment.
This is just an ’abridgement’ I would say.
Yes, you are right about school of life. On one hand, I am thankful in some degree because it won’t happen again, but on other hand, I am trying to ’pretend’ nothing happened, to continue with my life and work, to fit in the group of people who are surrounding me, but even thought I decided to get professional help. I lost trust, I feel depressed, huge up and downs and I am having doubts about myself.
I would like to write a book or an article one day. It’s stunning how speculative his game was.
Thank you Donna for posting
Nicola,
welcome to LF. Stay a while and read some of the posts. You will find that it starts with learning about them and you end up learning so much more about yourself. This is your second spath? I’m so sorry.
My owns spathsicity lasted 25 years. Before that I had spath brother and sister and Narcissist parents. We are primed for the picking by our upbringing. what was yours like?
Nicola. Thank you for sharing your story, and what a story it is. It takes a while to put the puzzle together but once we do we can see them for what they really were.
I was at a group recently and the discussion turned to domestic violence. One person said ‘I can’t understand why the victim does not just leave’. Well I nearly flew off my chair to try to explain……..you see anyone who has not experienced a spath can’t understand.
We are sucked in, promises, lies, tears, more lies, love bombing and so the cycle goes on. We have invested so much money, time, love etc that we are like a gambler who keeps paying money into a slot machine. The lights are flashing and we keep thinking it’s gonna pay out soon. We keep pumping money and we are willing it to pay out. Every now and then we get a small win, so we put more money in because we have invested SOOOOO much, we can’t walk away. Same with spath, we give it our ALL and he/she just keeps taking until in the end we have nothing. And we look back and think ‘why didn’t I just walk away?’ Truth is, like a gambler, we were addicted.
Thank you for comments, finally people who understand what I am talking about.
@candy:
Yes, I know the feeling when someone ask you ’why didn’t you just leave??
and you have so much to say to them, so much to explain but I know it’s just a wasting of time, because they haven’t experienced that.They say to me: ‘You are so stupid you didn’t leave, it would never happen to me!’
@skylar: My upbringing? My father has been an alcoholic, very aggressive, 2 faced person. My mother has been physically and mentally abused. She was not able to protect herself and her children. My childhood i could compare to a fight to survive and my days were filled with a fear.
My siblings are happily married now, we’re supporting our parents and love them. Strange is none of us, after so many years,(Im34) is able to ’discharge’ our father because he could attack mother.
Nicola – They say to me: ’You are so stupid you didn’t leave, it would never happen to me!’
No, they cannot understand and YES it could happen to them.
My father-in-law was a drunk. He used to abuse his wife. When she was dying of cancer we finally managed to get her away.
I remember to this day the first thing she wanted to do was go home cos she said she hadn’t left him anything for his tea. And I remember thinking WTF
Take care.
Nicola, your story sounds very similar to Donna’s. Fortunately, it seems like you lost less of your money, even though your heart was broken. People who have not been targeted by psychopaths will probably never fully relate. It’s such an alien experience. But we understand you and are here for you.
Dear Nicola,
Sometimes people who have grown up in an atmosphere of terror or trauma though they are unhappy, somehow see that as normal and perpetuate the cycle of victim or abuse…either themselves becoming abusers or being victims of abuse. Other people some how manage to be NEITHER an abuser or a victim when they become adults. I sometimes wonder why—what makes the difference in if we become functional, or an abuser or a victim? What makes the difference. why some kids out of a family will be abusers themselves, others victims and others functional?
Why do we continue to be manipulated? I wish I knew the answer, but I think the answer is genetics and environment play on us just as they do on the psychopath.
The thing we must do though is to DETERMINE what we will do and then stick to it. To understand that WE CAN CHANGE and stop being a victim. To understand what we were doing that caused someone else to be able to abuse us. What were we thinking? what were we doing? Then stop thinking that and stop doing that.
You said you and your sibs are taking care of both your father and your mother because you are afraid that you could not protect her otherwise.
What Candy said about getting her mother away from her abusive father as she was dying and the mother wanted to go back because she had not left him anything for his tea. So many times the caregiver/victim roll is held on to by a trauma bond.
My great grandmother who was a trauma victim/caregiver on her death bed at age 80 said to her abuser husband “Oh, Felix who will take care of you when I am gone?” She had taken care of him, been his victim, and raised her daughter to be the same kind of woman—and that daughter, my grandmother, protected her psychopathic son from the consequences of his behavior until she died–then my own egg donor too on that role and insisted as she got older that I take on that role to protect my own psychopathic son from the consequences of his behavior. Now, punishes me because I refuse. So it is passed down in both the genes and in the training and the family dynamics and the roles we are assigned in the family to play in the “family script.”
I’m determined to break out of the CYCLE of abuser/victim/rescuer!!!
Nicola, it CAN happen to others too—one of the things about this blog is if you will notice is that most of the bloggers here are WELL above average in education and smarts, which is one reason this blog is as interesting as it is, as educational as it is. BEING CONNED CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE!!!! But you are also right, they won’t “get it” and understand until they have experienced it. Thinking they are immune to being conned gives them a FALSE sense of safety!
Yep, Oxy & Candy,
It CAN happen to anyone! Well, okay, maybe it can happen more easily to *us*who have a childhood/life history of emotional &/or physical abuse, but it can happen to anyone. That’s what’s so maddening: when people outside the relationship see it & think, “how could she have fallen for that? it was so obvious to us!”
Well, “outside the relationship” is the key factor. I hate having to say again & again, “He was just a very proficient liar.” It sounds like a rationalization. No, it was the reason & the reality.
It’s been said 1000x: they’re Very Gifted at what they do!
I look back now & remember vague thots drifting thru my mind, “I’m so fortunate to have this so-perfect man….I could never be so lucky to have anyone else love me so much, with all my flaws.” YIKES! As Claudia says on her spath awareness blog, “We may have our flaws, but at least we’re honest & real!”
No More! I may have my flaws, but I now know how *lucky* he was to have had me…..in spite of all the horrible things he said about me after he left, all the horrible things I know he told her about me….well, it wasn’t so horrible that he wasn’t comfortable in it for 8 years when he needed me/my home/my community/my “veneer of respectability”.
Poor woman…..his now “loving & godly wife”…..she has no idea…..or maybe she does…..I hear they’re having financial problems now (with all her wealth!), & she’s even removed her FB page with all her 350 friends of status & prestige around the world! Wonder if they’ve had to go into hiding from the IRS or others who’re catching up to him……:-)
[I know: NC! NC! NC! But this info does make me smile!]
Dear Yes, BOINK! You know you’ve been a baddddd girl looking at her FB page! LOL 🙂 But at least you aren’t crying about it! Good for you.
But you knew that they were not going to live “happily ever after” now didn’t you? You know he will smooze her along for a while until she has no more money and then he’s off to the next victim. Or maybe he’s back in prison….???? Who knows, but quit looking and start working on your own life, darling! He is not worth your time! (((hugs))))