Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader in Belgium who posts as “Nicola0903.” English is not her first language.
Four years with a Sociopath. He was my best friend, my family, my soul mate, my lover, my business partner.
I was 29, a foreigner in Belgium, with already some life experiences. Because my ex-business partner and ex-boyfriend that time decided suddenly to leave our brand new company, I stood there ”¦ Alone ”¦ with new clean sheet with “BVBA with marketing activities” on it — my job and hobby. I started “to swim between the sharks” and with success till I met HIM.
“HE” was one of my first big clients. A charming, a good looking guy, around 40, an experienced businessman, in suit, black hair, dark skin and big smile on his face. An American in Belgium.
We were both foreigners in this country. We could talk ALWAYS, EVERYWHERE, 24/7 about EVERYTHING! Whaauw, I met a soul mate! Finally I met an ideal partner for my private and business life, I THOUGHT!
HE was divorced, he said. Two kids. He didn’t mention his girlfriend, HE Lived with! Later on, I noticed, there is a girl in his house. I didn’t care, I was too much busy with my company: my job, my hobby. I wanted to succeed. I worked 24/7 because I wanted to SUCCEED.
I guess, in meanwhile HE has “checked” already my character and personality and he started to play his “GAME” six months after we met by suggesting a few business plans to me, how to make a “fortune.”
BUT”¦ I started to have feelings for him and HE kept saying that “HE was falling for me too.”
He said: finally a women he can TRUST, without a control and jealousy behavior. A normal women I can build a life with.
So why don’t you leave your girlfriend? Was my question for coming four years.
As he said, his ex-wife a was a “president of evils,” possessed bitch who doesn’t want to divorce him because “she is sick jealous” of his relationship with Kate—his girlfriend, he lived with! His ex has been making a huge troubles for him, wanted to break their relationship by many different ways. I said: POOR YOU! And I was sure, I was the ONE, he will choose.
Kate was in his eyes, as well, a controlling, manipulative, extremely jealous and alcoholic schoolteacher, he could not get “RID OF” because of “many reasons.” She would damage his LIFE and himself, she was physically attacking him, scratching his eyes and many ugly things he said about her. POOR HIM.
That’s why HE HAD TO STAY with her”¦He was afraid, poor guy!
I bought it. I believed everything HE SAID! POOR GUY! HOW COULD HE LIVED LIKE THAT, was another question for two coming years. Why onlytwo2? Because after 2 years I knew, I was fed up. I spoke to him every day to support him and gave him advice about what he could do to FEEL HAPPY AND FREE AGAIN.
In a meanwhile”¦ I have been busy with my marketing for him and “HIS new IDEAS,” every day. The bills were coming, more and more, as only one company leader I had my RESPONSIBILITIES! But he DIDN’T PAY me! He had always a good reason or explanations about NOT PAYING. (kids, wife, spending a money for his lawyers,..) The best explanation was: “Nicola, I do it for you, just for you, for OUR FUTURE. I Don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I work for you my dear so we can FINALLY GET OUT of this country and travel.” You will have a lot of money but just “KEEP WORKING now.”
And I did.
After one year WE started to realize one of HIS PROJECTS (IDEA) equals NEW IDEAS NEED MONEY!
He was an American, didn’t have ANY rights in Belgium, no bank accounts, no legal papers”¦Which I thought is strange as he has been married with a Belgian women for long time, his kids went to school.
HE also could not become an “OFFICIAL partner” of my company because of ”¦ “Ex-wife, gfriends, people, past life, ex companies, promises and promises, ALWAYS HAD PERFECT EXPLANATONS!
Strange was, He was always A VICTIM. All other people and companies wanted to “DESTROY HIM!”
And I believe. God, he could speak so perfectly. POOR HIM!
He became a SILENT PARTNER of my company. “I am an experienced business guy, Nicola. I have so much work experiences, I could not work for ”˜a boss.’ You don’t know how to run business, so LISTEN TO ME, because ONLY I WANT REALY HELP YOU.”
Bla bla bla
And I listened. I wanted success, I wanted to show to my parents that I am able to take care of myself and to take care of them for a change.
And I loved him too. I was not IN LOVE, I LOVED HIM with all his mistakes. Despite that he never came just to visit me in the evening, never called me or had a dinner together with his kids. Only few times when his girlfriend was gone for a vacation or “when I was keeping distance.” Otherwise he was always With HER. God that was painful. But ”¦
I wanted to get to my goal, to be a successful and I tried to ignore that emotions. I believed in myself, and my business, but my intuition was saying something else: Wrong Partner.
HE NEEDED MONEY, DECENT CAR, A BANK ACCOUNT, INVESTMENTS, INVESTORS, BANKCARD, NEW PHONE, MONEY, DECENT OFFICE to MAKE “MY” BUSINESS WORKING !!! HE NEEDED EMPLOYEES, MARKETING STUFF, NEW PRODUCTS AND AGAIN MONEY ”¦ He said!
I trusted him as never no one in my life, I LOVED him with all his mistakes, I could marry him with all his mistakes”¦
HE Kept saying the same: “Nicola, DON’T GIVE UP ON ME YET! WE WILL MAKE IT, I promise!”
I gave him everything what I had. He even found a new house just next to his house and HE signed a contract. Only when all that finished, I have heard what HE SAID to Real Estate company. Lies. Lies about everything and everyone. After he was gone from my life I SAW THAT IMAGE, THAT PERFECT GAME.
But let’s go back to my story ”¦
Two years later, KATE – the schoolteacher closed her SHOP (which HE BUILT for her at that time. SHE took everything out, all furniture because probably she couldn’t handle full-time job and shop as well. He was very disappointed because SHE and her parents did not allow HIM to be there!
She left him a FREE SPACE with very expensive rent. HE NEEDED A SOLUTION for it equals ME and MY COMPANY of course and I opened a COFFEE SHOP later on.
HE rented his space to my company, which is illegal. I have been paying a rent/monthly cash to him so he can pay to owner! Coffee shop existed two YEARS, I never saw a proper contract. HE said: “DO NOT WORRY NICOLA, EVERYTHING HAS BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.”
I put my heart there, I loved my shop. 24/7 work, hard work plus marketing activity and him, non Stop begging for MONEY, RENT, CAR, CARDS plus ALL bills and executors bills where coming towards me plus I had some loans at the my bank as well. I had to asked for investments money to “make a fortune for US.”
I gave him A LOOOOOOOOOOT! I became a GOLDEN BIRD IN CAGE and I LOST CONTROL over my life and business. I Worked worked, no social life, I though I was stupid, insane. AND HE WAS the PRESIDENT! Travelling around the world for “OUR BUSINESS.” I could not go with him because I had to pay rent of coffee shop and we went through some economic crises that time.
To make it short: HE could cry with real tears saying “I LOVE YOU,” or “HELP ME” or “WE CAN MAKE IT, TRUST ME.” He could LIE PERFECTLY. He never picked his phone, never reachable, for me or clients, meetings cancelled or replaced. It was always MAYBE, WE WILL SEE ”¦ 1000 of sms’s DAILY, Harassing email DAILY, changing of plans DAILY, and asking for money”¦For food, for clothes, for “Our” business, For “our office.”
He had no responsibilities in his life. He had 1000 IDEAS, HE COULD CREAT A GREAT BUSINESS PLAN OF THEM BUT ”¦ That’s it!
When I started to finally ignore, or I kept distance, or was angry, or If I tried to discuss”¦NO CHANCE.
I was a fool, ungrateful bitch, not respect him, his life, his love, I was playing FALSE GAME ”¦ I WAS EVIL ”¦ I AM VERY CALM PERSON BUT when he did that, I COULD SCHRATCH HIS EYES OUT.
I was mentally and physically at the END! I prayed for end of all that misery. It was too late to stop and go my own way. I was too deep “in the shit.”
HIS TARGET WAS: TO GET MY MONEY, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. To suck my company dry, to destroy my name and company and OPEN HIS OWN.
HE succeeded!
When I refused to pay him a false invoice sent by executor, HE and HIS girlfriend TOUCHED WHAT WAS MOST PRECIOUS TO ME and I BEG HIM ALWAYS not to take it from me ”¦ My coffee shop.
He took everything! Changed the locks on the door (office-coffee shop) and I ended up literally on the street”¦with debts. I LOST very much money. ALL Was mine. He invested ZERO but of course When I said it to him- he almost killed me because I was the one playing the games.
My car was all I had.
Thanks to two people who helped me to survive and get back “on the horse” I am now continuing with my life. I live in a studio, but I have again many business opportunities and my private and social life is also much better. I am paying off but that fine.
After, when he was gone, I saw clearly that image he was “painting.” I understood all the connection lines between all people in his life.
HE was sure, I would disappear from the country immediately but ”¦ I am strong! AND I believed in myself. We are nine months later and I am starting to live my new life”¦happy new life. Sociopath Next Door! GREAT description of HIM.
Far – no he does not feel defeated. Pished off maybe but not defeated. he’s playing you like a cat with a mouse. Toying with you until he gets bored. Don’t buy into it. NC.
Far,
I posted before I saw your reply.
Of course he set her up to hate you. Remember Mary Jo Buttafuoco? She wrote the book, “getting it through my thick skull” (available through this website) about Joey Butt and Amy Fisher and herself. It was a triangulation that the Butthead started and ended up with Mary Jo getting shot in the face by Amy. Don’t let this go there.
If she calls again, treat her like you would a crazy person in a mental ward. Be very very calming and quiet. NO DRAMA.
Explain to her that there is this thing called triangulation which some men do, in order to get women to fight over them. . Remind her that her emotions are not her own but that they have been implanted in her by him through his constantly talking about his ex (you) which would be considered inappropriate by normal people. Tell her to remember Mary Jo and Amy Fisher and perhaps read the book, because she has started down the slippery slope after Amy Fisher.
You did great already Far. I hope she doesn’t contact you again, but I fear that she might. Be ready because she is already starting to sound nuts. Do everything you can to sound calm and calm her down as well.
LL Triple WOOT WOOT WOOT!!! My spath said he even stayed with 3 women at the same time once. I guess anything is possible for a spath. A FREE place to stay, a FREE cooked meal, and FREE sex! He said he divided the week up and spent time with them equally, I guess loving up on them and getting them dick drunk enough for them not to worry about the other days he was in the wind. I am really faulting myself for ignoring him while he was telling me who he was. It’s so crazy how the mind works. how we hear what we want to hear. UGH! Love, no, I feel disgusted! What I do not get is if she knew we just broke it off how is it possible for them to be all hot and heavy this fast? What the hell?
Far
LOL< it's called OXYTOCIN!! He's sexing her up, and lying his ass off to her, using you to do it. Yep so typical spathy. She's "under the influence" Far.
Soon enough, she'll figure it out. Soon enough. Look at this way, and I've said it before here to you, but how long did it take for YOU to get it? What happened in YOUR relationship with him? What was it like in the BEGINNING with him? That's where she is now dear.
The sad thing about it, is that spath is having a great time, laughing at her AT HER inside about it. She's hooked. Isn't that sickening? He's "WON" in his mind because she's buying into his monumental piles of bullshit. SAAAAAAD!
Next time you ask yourself how it happens so fast, think about how it happened with you. THere's your answer.
LL
LL I noticed the inconsistencies with the lies around the second and third month. One began with the lie about work. I found him a bit disturbed whe he told such exaggerated stories about firing people etc, took it to the extreme. then his patterns would change and he would forget what he said about where abouts. He was on cocaine and I knew he acted strange from time to time but I never did confirm his drug abuse til the sixth month. Month four he got erratic and tossed me around the house. Before the I give up stage, he injured my neck (herniated disk) (sp) The last couple months I was convinced something was seriously wrong with him, upset about the drugs, and I knew he was cheating. I basically stayed because of convenience and not wanting a failed relationship, fear of being alone. I wanted to help him. Felt sorry for him.
Far.
Same with her. This is the stuff she’ll be dealing with too 🙂
LL
He told me he loved me first early on but I did not respond because I really just did not at the time. He was charming, affectionate, and there for me. I was also very sick during the beginning and he took care of me, this is what got me hooked. He preyed on my illness and was there for me when I needed him. My spath was not too bright! Huge liar but his stories always conflicted and I caught that. I simply looked over them and turned my cheek. Plain and simple.
LL – just wanted to see if it was possible to buy ativan over the counter. I have an ’emergency’ meeting with my doc early next week – but she has steadfastly refused to help me in this area.
(and before anyone chimes in with, ‘well, these are serious medications…blah blah blah’ – save your breath, I don’t wanna hear it. 🙂 and when i say that someone usually feels compelled to anyway…that’s a boundary violation. )
i need some help LL – i am numbing myself out because the anxiety is just too high. feel like i have entered the twilight zone.
((((((((((((((((( Onesy )))))))))))))))))))))))
You’re not going to get an emotional beating over the head from me on this one.
It is inevitable that you will have a physiological addiction to the meds. Physical and emotional, but I deal with such high anxiety and sleep insomnia that I’d be DEAD without it!
Properly monitored, taken CORRECTLY these meds can be a lifesaver.
You need it, Onesy.
I think you are close to me? If your doc won’t give you the meds, there are docs that will. Mine is very good about this as well as monitoring and accountability.
NO ONE has the right to tell you what’s right for you, Chica in what you need to cope. No one has a problem with antidepressants right? Well they don’t work for me. Makes things WORSE.
You know your body and your mind.
You will have no issue with me. Take the medication responsibly, and you will feel that you can handle your anxiety better.
Many PC’s are reluctant to hand out Benzos, because of the addictive quality, however, if you have a good PC they can hold you accountable, and if you’;re taking them for the right reasons, you can be monitored accordingly.
If you can’t get them from your doc, get them from someone else who gets the anxiety factor.
THere is NO EXCUSE for you having to suffer more.
LL
hi LL – i know you wouldn’t flinch at this 🙂 and you have given me a great line to use on my doc, ‘THere is NO EXCUSE for you having to suffer more.’
i live nowhere near you. wrong country. 🙂
yep, ssris are the new benzos. i have the same response to them – AAAANNNNND i am not depressed, i have anxiety.
not sure where else i can get benzos – i may have to go to emergency, and i don’t know if that will really work.
yes there are consequences. i have had ativan before for back muscle spasms. I understand – but i am a 51 year old woman who is self medicating herself into a stupor. THIS is not less destructive. i am just so fed up with this horse hooey.
i really like your line about suffering. i will craft a little 4 sentence ‘pitch’ for the doctor. (who i KNOW self medicates…given her size. I guess the difference is I AM NOT IN DENIAL!)
(((hugs)))