Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader in Belgium who posts as “Nicola0903.” English is not her first language.
Four years with a Sociopath. He was my best friend, my family, my soul mate, my lover, my business partner.
I was 29, a foreigner in Belgium, with already some life experiences. Because my ex-business partner and ex-boyfriend that time decided suddenly to leave our brand new company, I stood there ”¦ Alone ”¦ with new clean sheet with “BVBA with marketing activities” on it — my job and hobby. I started “to swim between the sharks” and with success till I met HIM.
“HE” was one of my first big clients. A charming, a good looking guy, around 40, an experienced businessman, in suit, black hair, dark skin and big smile on his face. An American in Belgium.
We were both foreigners in this country. We could talk ALWAYS, EVERYWHERE, 24/7 about EVERYTHING! Whaauw, I met a soul mate! Finally I met an ideal partner for my private and business life, I THOUGHT!
HE was divorced, he said. Two kids. He didn’t mention his girlfriend, HE Lived with! Later on, I noticed, there is a girl in his house. I didn’t care, I was too much busy with my company: my job, my hobby. I wanted to succeed. I worked 24/7 because I wanted to SUCCEED.
I guess, in meanwhile HE has “checked” already my character and personality and he started to play his “GAME” six months after we met by suggesting a few business plans to me, how to make a “fortune.”
BUT”¦ I started to have feelings for him and HE kept saying that “HE was falling for me too.”
He said: finally a women he can TRUST, without a control and jealousy behavior. A normal women I can build a life with.
So why don’t you leave your girlfriend? Was my question for coming four years.
As he said, his ex-wife a was a “president of evils,” possessed bitch who doesn’t want to divorce him because “she is sick jealous” of his relationship with Kate—his girlfriend, he lived with! His ex has been making a huge troubles for him, wanted to break their relationship by many different ways. I said: POOR YOU! And I was sure, I was the ONE, he will choose.
Kate was in his eyes, as well, a controlling, manipulative, extremely jealous and alcoholic schoolteacher, he could not get “RID OF” because of “many reasons.” She would damage his LIFE and himself, she was physically attacking him, scratching his eyes and many ugly things he said about her. POOR HIM.
That’s why HE HAD TO STAY with her”¦He was afraid, poor guy!
I bought it. I believed everything HE SAID! POOR GUY! HOW COULD HE LIVED LIKE THAT, was another question for two coming years. Why onlytwo2? Because after 2 years I knew, I was fed up. I spoke to him every day to support him and gave him advice about what he could do to FEEL HAPPY AND FREE AGAIN.
In a meanwhile”¦ I have been busy with my marketing for him and “HIS new IDEAS,” every day. The bills were coming, more and more, as only one company leader I had my RESPONSIBILITIES! But he DIDN’T PAY me! He had always a good reason or explanations about NOT PAYING. (kids, wife, spending a money for his lawyers,..) The best explanation was: “Nicola, I do it for you, just for you, for OUR FUTURE. I Don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I work for you my dear so we can FINALLY GET OUT of this country and travel.” You will have a lot of money but just “KEEP WORKING now.”
And I did.
After one year WE started to realize one of HIS PROJECTS (IDEA) equals NEW IDEAS NEED MONEY!
He was an American, didn’t have ANY rights in Belgium, no bank accounts, no legal papers”¦Which I thought is strange as he has been married with a Belgian women for long time, his kids went to school.
HE also could not become an “OFFICIAL partner” of my company because of ”¦ “Ex-wife, gfriends, people, past life, ex companies, promises and promises, ALWAYS HAD PERFECT EXPLANATONS!
Strange was, He was always A VICTIM. All other people and companies wanted to “DESTROY HIM!”
And I believe. God, he could speak so perfectly. POOR HIM!
He became a SILENT PARTNER of my company. “I am an experienced business guy, Nicola. I have so much work experiences, I could not work for ”˜a boss.’ You don’t know how to run business, so LISTEN TO ME, because ONLY I WANT REALY HELP YOU.”
Bla bla bla
And I listened. I wanted success, I wanted to show to my parents that I am able to take care of myself and to take care of them for a change.
And I loved him too. I was not IN LOVE, I LOVED HIM with all his mistakes. Despite that he never came just to visit me in the evening, never called me or had a dinner together with his kids. Only few times when his girlfriend was gone for a vacation or “when I was keeping distance.” Otherwise he was always With HER. God that was painful. But ”¦
I wanted to get to my goal, to be a successful and I tried to ignore that emotions. I believed in myself, and my business, but my intuition was saying something else: Wrong Partner.
HE NEEDED MONEY, DECENT CAR, A BANK ACCOUNT, INVESTMENTS, INVESTORS, BANKCARD, NEW PHONE, MONEY, DECENT OFFICE to MAKE “MY” BUSINESS WORKING !!! HE NEEDED EMPLOYEES, MARKETING STUFF, NEW PRODUCTS AND AGAIN MONEY ”¦ He said!
I trusted him as never no one in my life, I LOVED him with all his mistakes, I could marry him with all his mistakes”¦
HE Kept saying the same: “Nicola, DON’T GIVE UP ON ME YET! WE WILL MAKE IT, I promise!”
I gave him everything what I had. He even found a new house just next to his house and HE signed a contract. Only when all that finished, I have heard what HE SAID to Real Estate company. Lies. Lies about everything and everyone. After he was gone from my life I SAW THAT IMAGE, THAT PERFECT GAME.
But let’s go back to my story ”¦
Two years later, KATE – the schoolteacher closed her SHOP (which HE BUILT for her at that time. SHE took everything out, all furniture because probably she couldn’t handle full-time job and shop as well. He was very disappointed because SHE and her parents did not allow HIM to be there!
She left him a FREE SPACE with very expensive rent. HE NEEDED A SOLUTION for it equals ME and MY COMPANY of course and I opened a COFFEE SHOP later on.
HE rented his space to my company, which is illegal. I have been paying a rent/monthly cash to him so he can pay to owner! Coffee shop existed two YEARS, I never saw a proper contract. HE said: “DO NOT WORRY NICOLA, EVERYTHING HAS BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.”
I put my heart there, I loved my shop. 24/7 work, hard work plus marketing activity and him, non Stop begging for MONEY, RENT, CAR, CARDS plus ALL bills and executors bills where coming towards me plus I had some loans at the my bank as well. I had to asked for investments money to “make a fortune for US.”
I gave him A LOOOOOOOOOOT! I became a GOLDEN BIRD IN CAGE and I LOST CONTROL over my life and business. I Worked worked, no social life, I though I was stupid, insane. AND HE WAS the PRESIDENT! Travelling around the world for “OUR BUSINESS.” I could not go with him because I had to pay rent of coffee shop and we went through some economic crises that time.
To make it short: HE could cry with real tears saying “I LOVE YOU,” or “HELP ME” or “WE CAN MAKE IT, TRUST ME.” He could LIE PERFECTLY. He never picked his phone, never reachable, for me or clients, meetings cancelled or replaced. It was always MAYBE, WE WILL SEE ”¦ 1000 of sms’s DAILY, Harassing email DAILY, changing of plans DAILY, and asking for money”¦For food, for clothes, for “Our” business, For “our office.”
He had no responsibilities in his life. He had 1000 IDEAS, HE COULD CREAT A GREAT BUSINESS PLAN OF THEM BUT ”¦ That’s it!
When I started to finally ignore, or I kept distance, or was angry, or If I tried to discuss”¦NO CHANCE.
I was a fool, ungrateful bitch, not respect him, his life, his love, I was playing FALSE GAME ”¦ I WAS EVIL ”¦ I AM VERY CALM PERSON BUT when he did that, I COULD SCHRATCH HIS EYES OUT.
I was mentally and physically at the END! I prayed for end of all that misery. It was too late to stop and go my own way. I was too deep “in the shit.”
HIS TARGET WAS: TO GET MY MONEY, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. To suck my company dry, to destroy my name and company and OPEN HIS OWN.
HE succeeded!
When I refused to pay him a false invoice sent by executor, HE and HIS girlfriend TOUCHED WHAT WAS MOST PRECIOUS TO ME and I BEG HIM ALWAYS not to take it from me ”¦ My coffee shop.
He took everything! Changed the locks on the door (office-coffee shop) and I ended up literally on the street”¦with debts. I LOST very much money. ALL Was mine. He invested ZERO but of course When I said it to him- he almost killed me because I was the one playing the games.
My car was all I had.
Thanks to two people who helped me to survive and get back “on the horse” I am now continuing with my life. I live in a studio, but I have again many business opportunities and my private and social life is also much better. I am paying off but that fine.
After, when he was gone, I saw clearly that image he was “painting.” I understood all the connection lines between all people in his life.
HE was sure, I would disappear from the country immediately but ”¦ I am strong! AND I believed in myself. We are nine months later and I am starting to live my new life”¦happy new life. Sociopath Next Door! GREAT description of HIM.
The reason I go to a physician for my Rx’s is because the person who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient….just like an attorney who is his own client has a fool for a client.
Onesy, I suggest that you go to someone who is more qualified that LessonLearned to Rx your medications—I agree you have anxiety, but medication, and especially benzos are dangerous to self treat with and many times make the anxiety WORSE. I am NOT against using them properly, but there is a reason they are Rx and it is because they ARE dangerous and addictive.
Actually methadone and other really highly addictive drugs are helpful when appropriately used but under LEGITIMATE MEDICAL SUPERVISION.
LL, I’m going to “boink” you for feeding into Onesy’s poor decision to self prescribe medications that if taken without an Rx are illegal and dangerous. You are NOT qualified to diagnose or dispense medication over the internet or any other way as far as I know. And, yes, I have my “Oxy is SERIOUS” hat on because this is not a matter of opinion, we are talking about REASONABLE LAWS HERE. Just like I would never advise Kim to have a drink to settle her nerves…and I would put on a “serious” hat if you did.
Oxy,
There is a man on the news that “boinked” a robber with a black #2 skillet filled with potato’s. Then fended him off with a pitch fork….Reminded me of you!
One Joy Step…you could go to another doctor who understands anxiety. It really is dangerous to self medicate, although I understand that also. It’s like when my friend who is a massage therapist broke his toe and asked for a pain med as he is on his feet all day. The MD said “I don’t believe it that” I told him he shoulda stepped on her toe and said “now do you believe in it?”
oxy – and you just did what i expressly asked people not to do.
you and i have had this conversation about benzos before, too many times and we don’t need to have it again.
LL did not diagnose anything – i asked her a question and she replied. so knock it off. I am quite capable of making my own decisions, and if you were really paying attention to what i have been saying all along about the need for some help with medications, you might recognize that i have a great deal of experience dealing with various medications, and have a very good understanding of the addictive nature of benzos HAVING BEEN ON THEM BEFORE.
god, i can’t believe that you riffed on LL –
sometimes oxy, it’s best to do what people ask.
Ana – Thank you for your concern – seriously, but please I expressly asked that people NOT weigh in on this.
One Joy Step,
Ok! Peace out and many blessings.
Woah……………..
Excuse me!! I DID say a DOC need to be the one to prescribe and MONITOR!
Ox, I dont know where you got that I was onesy’s personal physician or that I thought she should NOT seek out a doctor for meds.
I NEVER said that nor implied that at all!!!
Onesy, I do NOT know where you live, but going to a doctor and being prescribed for meds is THE RIGHT THING TO DO! As well as being monitored and being held accountable for whatever it is you’re prescribed and taking!
I would encourage that for anyone. What the hell is wrong with THAT, Ox? Sorry, I disagree. whatever yo uthought I was doign was NOT what I was doing at all!
Onesy, only YOU know what you need. NO ONE should suffer needlessly. See a doc. Follow their guidelines and personally, I have no issue with benzos, anti depressants or anything else that can help alleviate symptoms.
LL
Seriously Oxy,
I’ve been looking for help for my fibromyalgia for 25 years, and sooo many of the docs tried to give me anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds. I had a closet full of the crap because I didn’t take it. IT DIDN’T HELP WITH THE PAIN.
Of course what I really needed was an ANTI-PSYCHOPATH, BUT NOBODY PRESCRIBES THAT EXCEPT IN A .22 OR A .44.
But the point is that I’ve been to docs that will Rx all kinds of things and insist it’s all in my head, but I swear to you if I asked for the anti-anxiety meds, they would say no – they’re addictive.
Doc’s don’t know squat, about pharmas, they only know what the pharma reps want them to believe, depending on which pharma is the most lucrative at the moment, depending on the status of the patent. Research it. You will know it’s true.
So, the point is, OneJoy, GET A NEW DOC. There are lots that will Rx the anti-anxiety if you tell them you have stress, but don’t tell them what you want. Let them figure it out. They don’t like to be told what to do, so they do the opposite.
Doc’s are like spaths, you just have to know how they think: they think they’re God.
Sky,
I guess I got lucky with my docs. The one who diagnosed my depression, fibro and anxiety and prescribed thus.
When he left to go to Kaiser, I found another doc, the same I’m[ with now. I’m not so stupid to leave a doc who listens.
I take my benzos. We “play” with anti depressants that haven’t worked for me worth a shit. I’m better off WITHOUT them, as being on them makes me MORe manic.
My benzos are for sleep, after having been through ambien, etc etc etc and I felt I was drugged the next day.
I have anxiety really bad. I was on ativan, switched to Valium, too strong, back to ativan.
We have tweeked and worked with several medications and THANK GOD she listens to me. I’d be a dumbass to go elsewhere. she also works with my pain meds and my fibro. She also knows that I’m TOTALLY pill popping aversive. I can’t StANd to take pills. I HATE it….but I also know I’m not so stupid that I won’t at least give it a try and if it doesn’t work try something else…
What’s interesting about that is that I’ve gotten to know my body, what works and what does not. Spaths think they know what should and should not work for you. BULLSHIT. same with Docs. many of whom are spaths. I have no problem speaking out.
Just this last month, we tweeked my meds AGAIN.
Okay????
Thank GOD I have a doc who will work with me!
She doesn’t assume because I come to her and my insurance pays for it that she knows everything about my body and how it works. one of the blessings is that we can actually DEBATE about it.
COOL!
Not many get that lucky.
Onesy, you do what is best FOR YOU. BE VIGILANT ABOUT IT. IT’s YOUR body, not anyone else’s.
I support you one hundred percent!!!
LL
LL,
my experience with fibro was that NO BODY WAS GOING TO HELP ME. The pain was so bad, I was actually concocting a plan for severing my spinal cord and becoming a quadaplegic, JUST SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO FEEL THE PAIN. Not kidding. I figured it couldn’t be worse than it was. And the other option… well, we don’t need to go there.
But as some point I realized that I had to OWN my problems. Nobody else can or will care as much as I do about my pain. So I did tons of research all day and all night for years, I immersed myself in alternative medicine. Several things helped: Magnesium Malate, Carnitine, CoQ10, HMB. All are over the counter at healthfood stores.
Much of the reason that they helped is because the magnesium gave me constant diarhea which flushed the poisonS spath was giving me right out along with the food. I was sooooo skinny at that point, that total strangers would walk up to me and say, “YOU ARE SOOO SKINNY!”
So one benefit I got from spath is learning about natural remedies and what works for me.
One Joy,
Anxiety can be alleviated by mineral supplements, especially
magnesium, which is very calming. But the best thing I’ve found to work for me is accupuncture. Any chance you can find that in your area? Natural remedies work very well with each other, so do as many of them together as you can. I’m currently getting hypnotherapy, adding that to my arsenal.
Sky,
I do see the advantages of natural therapies. Everything you’ve outlined, I’ve darn near tried.
I’m an advocate for medical assistance. what works for one may not for others.
Right now, I’m on the list to get massage therapy. CAN”T WAIT.
I can’t get acupuncture on my insurance, I found out, so massage I know, having done that, works.
I think it’s VERY individualized depending upon what’s going on physically. I swear by Benzos. This is why I would like to do the sleep study. I can’t sleep without the ativan. On a severe pain day, I have to take my oxy’s. And I HATE taking meds. but this is what works FOR ME right now!
Being on one antidepressant to another, has forced me to seek out alternative therapies, both chemically and emotionally and physically.
I’m still on a trial basis here.
But thank GOD for the benzos. For my panic attacks and for sleep. Sleep is so important in being able to function at all. If without them, I wouldn’t.
Onesy, you do what is best for you. Trial and error. I think all of us here, based on our experiences, can only ASSIST in suggestions as to how to help. The rest is up to you. What I do may not be the best for you. I’m speaking only upon my experiences and what has helped me.
ONly you know what can help you, chica.
LL