Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader in Belgium who posts as “Nicola0903.” English is not her first language.
Four years with a Sociopath. He was my best friend, my family, my soul mate, my lover, my business partner.
I was 29, a foreigner in Belgium, with already some life experiences. Because my ex-business partner and ex-boyfriend that time decided suddenly to leave our brand new company, I stood there ”¦ Alone ”¦ with new clean sheet with “BVBA with marketing activities” on it — my job and hobby. I started “to swim between the sharks” and with success till I met HIM.
“HE” was one of my first big clients. A charming, a good looking guy, around 40, an experienced businessman, in suit, black hair, dark skin and big smile on his face. An American in Belgium.
We were both foreigners in this country. We could talk ALWAYS, EVERYWHERE, 24/7 about EVERYTHING! Whaauw, I met a soul mate! Finally I met an ideal partner for my private and business life, I THOUGHT!
HE was divorced, he said. Two kids. He didn’t mention his girlfriend, HE Lived with! Later on, I noticed, there is a girl in his house. I didn’t care, I was too much busy with my company: my job, my hobby. I wanted to succeed. I worked 24/7 because I wanted to SUCCEED.
I guess, in meanwhile HE has “checked” already my character and personality and he started to play his “GAME” six months after we met by suggesting a few business plans to me, how to make a “fortune.”
BUT”¦ I started to have feelings for him and HE kept saying that “HE was falling for me too.”
He said: finally a women he can TRUST, without a control and jealousy behavior. A normal women I can build a life with.
So why don’t you leave your girlfriend? Was my question for coming four years.
As he said, his ex-wife a was a “president of evils,” possessed bitch who doesn’t want to divorce him because “she is sick jealous” of his relationship with Kate—his girlfriend, he lived with! His ex has been making a huge troubles for him, wanted to break their relationship by many different ways. I said: POOR YOU! And I was sure, I was the ONE, he will choose.
Kate was in his eyes, as well, a controlling, manipulative, extremely jealous and alcoholic schoolteacher, he could not get “RID OF” because of “many reasons.” She would damage his LIFE and himself, she was physically attacking him, scratching his eyes and many ugly things he said about her. POOR HIM.
That’s why HE HAD TO STAY with her”¦He was afraid, poor guy!
I bought it. I believed everything HE SAID! POOR GUY! HOW COULD HE LIVED LIKE THAT, was another question for two coming years. Why onlytwo2? Because after 2 years I knew, I was fed up. I spoke to him every day to support him and gave him advice about what he could do to FEEL HAPPY AND FREE AGAIN.
In a meanwhile”¦ I have been busy with my marketing for him and “HIS new IDEAS,” every day. The bills were coming, more and more, as only one company leader I had my RESPONSIBILITIES! But he DIDN’T PAY me! He had always a good reason or explanations about NOT PAYING. (kids, wife, spending a money for his lawyers,..) The best explanation was: “Nicola, I do it for you, just for you, for OUR FUTURE. I Don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I work for you my dear so we can FINALLY GET OUT of this country and travel.” You will have a lot of money but just “KEEP WORKING now.”
And I did.
After one year WE started to realize one of HIS PROJECTS (IDEA) equals NEW IDEAS NEED MONEY!
He was an American, didn’t have ANY rights in Belgium, no bank accounts, no legal papers”¦Which I thought is strange as he has been married with a Belgian women for long time, his kids went to school.
HE also could not become an “OFFICIAL partner” of my company because of ”¦ “Ex-wife, gfriends, people, past life, ex companies, promises and promises, ALWAYS HAD PERFECT EXPLANATONS!
Strange was, He was always A VICTIM. All other people and companies wanted to “DESTROY HIM!”
And I believe. God, he could speak so perfectly. POOR HIM!
He became a SILENT PARTNER of my company. “I am an experienced business guy, Nicola. I have so much work experiences, I could not work for ”˜a boss.’ You don’t know how to run business, so LISTEN TO ME, because ONLY I WANT REALY HELP YOU.”
Bla bla bla
And I listened. I wanted success, I wanted to show to my parents that I am able to take care of myself and to take care of them for a change.
And I loved him too. I was not IN LOVE, I LOVED HIM with all his mistakes. Despite that he never came just to visit me in the evening, never called me or had a dinner together with his kids. Only few times when his girlfriend was gone for a vacation or “when I was keeping distance.” Otherwise he was always With HER. God that was painful. But ”¦
I wanted to get to my goal, to be a successful and I tried to ignore that emotions. I believed in myself, and my business, but my intuition was saying something else: Wrong Partner.
HE NEEDED MONEY, DECENT CAR, A BANK ACCOUNT, INVESTMENTS, INVESTORS, BANKCARD, NEW PHONE, MONEY, DECENT OFFICE to MAKE “MY” BUSINESS WORKING !!! HE NEEDED EMPLOYEES, MARKETING STUFF, NEW PRODUCTS AND AGAIN MONEY ”¦ He said!
I trusted him as never no one in my life, I LOVED him with all his mistakes, I could marry him with all his mistakes”¦
HE Kept saying the same: “Nicola, DON’T GIVE UP ON ME YET! WE WILL MAKE IT, I promise!”
I gave him everything what I had. He even found a new house just next to his house and HE signed a contract. Only when all that finished, I have heard what HE SAID to Real Estate company. Lies. Lies about everything and everyone. After he was gone from my life I SAW THAT IMAGE, THAT PERFECT GAME.
But let’s go back to my story ”¦
Two years later, KATE – the schoolteacher closed her SHOP (which HE BUILT for her at that time. SHE took everything out, all furniture because probably she couldn’t handle full-time job and shop as well. He was very disappointed because SHE and her parents did not allow HIM to be there!
She left him a FREE SPACE with very expensive rent. HE NEEDED A SOLUTION for it equals ME and MY COMPANY of course and I opened a COFFEE SHOP later on.
HE rented his space to my company, which is illegal. I have been paying a rent/monthly cash to him so he can pay to owner! Coffee shop existed two YEARS, I never saw a proper contract. HE said: “DO NOT WORRY NICOLA, EVERYTHING HAS BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.”
I put my heart there, I loved my shop. 24/7 work, hard work plus marketing activity and him, non Stop begging for MONEY, RENT, CAR, CARDS plus ALL bills and executors bills where coming towards me plus I had some loans at the my bank as well. I had to asked for investments money to “make a fortune for US.”
I gave him A LOOOOOOOOOOT! I became a GOLDEN BIRD IN CAGE and I LOST CONTROL over my life and business. I Worked worked, no social life, I though I was stupid, insane. AND HE WAS the PRESIDENT! Travelling around the world for “OUR BUSINESS.” I could not go with him because I had to pay rent of coffee shop and we went through some economic crises that time.
To make it short: HE could cry with real tears saying “I LOVE YOU,” or “HELP ME” or “WE CAN MAKE IT, TRUST ME.” He could LIE PERFECTLY. He never picked his phone, never reachable, for me or clients, meetings cancelled or replaced. It was always MAYBE, WE WILL SEE ”¦ 1000 of sms’s DAILY, Harassing email DAILY, changing of plans DAILY, and asking for money”¦For food, for clothes, for “Our” business, For “our office.”
He had no responsibilities in his life. He had 1000 IDEAS, HE COULD CREAT A GREAT BUSINESS PLAN OF THEM BUT ”¦ That’s it!
When I started to finally ignore, or I kept distance, or was angry, or If I tried to discuss”¦NO CHANCE.
I was a fool, ungrateful bitch, not respect him, his life, his love, I was playing FALSE GAME ”¦ I WAS EVIL ”¦ I AM VERY CALM PERSON BUT when he did that, I COULD SCHRATCH HIS EYES OUT.
I was mentally and physically at the END! I prayed for end of all that misery. It was too late to stop and go my own way. I was too deep “in the shit.”
HIS TARGET WAS: TO GET MY MONEY, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. To suck my company dry, to destroy my name and company and OPEN HIS OWN.
HE succeeded!
When I refused to pay him a false invoice sent by executor, HE and HIS girlfriend TOUCHED WHAT WAS MOST PRECIOUS TO ME and I BEG HIM ALWAYS not to take it from me ”¦ My coffee shop.
He took everything! Changed the locks on the door (office-coffee shop) and I ended up literally on the street”¦with debts. I LOST very much money. ALL Was mine. He invested ZERO but of course When I said it to him- he almost killed me because I was the one playing the games.
My car was all I had.
Thanks to two people who helped me to survive and get back “on the horse” I am now continuing with my life. I live in a studio, but I have again many business opportunities and my private and social life is also much better. I am paying off but that fine.
After, when he was gone, I saw clearly that image he was “painting.” I understood all the connection lines between all people in his life.
HE was sure, I would disappear from the country immediately but ”¦ I am strong! AND I believed in myself. We are nine months later and I am starting to live my new life”¦happy new life. Sociopath Next Door! GREAT description of HIM.
okay all – i asked people not to weigh in, and yet you continue to. why? i am not asking for advice about how to deal with anxiety. I find this very freaking irritating.
I have seen this happen many times on LF – where a big deal is made of a small question or comment. As much as we all want to help one another we sometimes don’t read the details of posts very carefully, we don’t know people history’s and we make assumptions. I asked LL a question about access to benzos in the US. That is all. She answered. Can we please move on?
sky – i know that we all tell a lot of stories here and it is impossible to know or remember all of the details of everyone’s stories. I am not in need of being counseled on the virtues of alt medicine. So here are my details: i am deeply involved in using supplements and minerals. i have posted this link before, but it bears repeating: http://www.healthpursuitsgroup.com/; i have used/ or am using and would use all of the following modalities if i could afford them: acupuncture, acupressure, deep tissue massage, reiki, EMDR, Shiatsu, infrared saunas, CTM, Bowen, meditation, Osteopathy, Homeopathy, talk therapy, etc. I do not live in the US and I cannot access ‘community acupuncture’; i am not self medicating using benzos, but i am self medicating in a dozen ways and i need meds to change that; my doctor is an ssri pushing dope; getting a new doctor here is extremely difficult – there is a shortage and usually a 2 year waiting list; and contrary to oxy’s diatribe about self diagnosis, i actually do know better than the almighty doc does about this one.
LL – 🙂
smiley brigade 🙂 🙂 🙂
One/Joy,
I’m not weighing in on this issue, just want you to feel better. So much peace in my life right now and I’m sending some your way. It has helped me feel right in my body and I only struggle when I have dealings with the spath.
Lots of hugs,
Hope4joy
Onesy,
I don’t know where the idea came up that I suggested you self medicate because that is NOT what I said at all. But, you already know what I’ve said. I don’t know where you’re from, but a two year waiting list is a damned long time to be seen by a doc for relief. Is that why you’re considering going to the ER to see a doc to get relief? I didn’t know you didn’t live in the US either. I”m so slow.
LL
Good morning, everyone. Whoa…quite the discussion to “walk in on” this morning. I wasn’t planning to post, but after reading the discussion I wanted to let people know that in my town we have special deals through WeeklyPerks, DenverPerks, etc., that I get sent by email every day. Some of them are for ridiculously cheap hypnotherapy, acupunture, and massage. I’m going for a $29 hypnotherapy session today. I believe she also does acupuncture, and I can get the same deal. I don’t know if they have anything like that in other areas, but I’m just throwing that out there for everyone.
I will continue posting when I find things that are helpful for my anxiety and depression (I get them both) just to share, in case my experiences can help anyone.
I’ve been on many anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety meds in the distant past. None of them have ever helped for more than a day or two if that long, and I couldn’t stand the sexual side effects. But I know they save lives, so whatever works, do it.
Star,
Let me know how the hypnotherapy works for you. I’m still waiting for Sky to tell me her experience.
This is something I’m very much interested in.
LL
I will, LL. I have had hypnosis in the past, just a session here and there, and found it helpful for confidence and relief of anxiety. But the benefit didn’t last long.
LL, I know I have mentioned before that massage is extremely effective for fibromyalgia. I’m very curious to hear how you like it!
Oh wow, I just read the original story. What a great example of resilience after a sociopath! This reminds me so much of the Tina Turner story. She got out with nothing – only her name. And Nicola, you got out with nothing but your car. This just goes to show that real character is something that comes from within and something that no one can take away from you. Sorry you had to waste so many years with a sociopath to find that out.
LL – yes, 2 years is a long wait. I waited about a year for the doc i have now, but things have gotten worse since then. And yes, that is why i am thinking about the emergency ward. I don’t know if i’d pass their test however. They’d probably give me 3 or 4 pills and send me to my doctor – that’s the way it is here. But what you said about ‘suffering’ really sparked me and i am going to write a note for the doctor and practice it.
hopeforjoy – thank you sweetie! glad to hear there is so much peace in your life. 🙂