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By | January 8, 2008 147 Comments

TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: He wanted me to keep playing his bitch

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a 24-year-old woman, a graduate student.

He told me he was all I needed; he told me that he was the only person who cared. He told me my friends hated me because they were so mad at me because I got sick. He told me they were just all bitches like all of the other girls in the world. Like his ex-girlfriends, like his mother, like (me).

I had no idea that sociopaths existed. I thought that “sociopath” was only a word thrown about on TV, late night news, America’s Most Wanted.

My therapist told me that my ex-boyfriend is one of the worst sociopaths that she has heard about in her 12 years of practice.

Abuse starts slow

The abuse started out subtle; the control started out slow. He told me that I’d look cute if I just started dressing a little more suggestively. He told me that a slight heel (high heels) would do wonders for any girl’s appearance. “Didn’t I want to be the girl all of the other girls were jealous of?” He would tell me how to dress in order to make guys stare.

He would walk me down the street, hand around my neck, but whispering, “Babe, you look great. God, baby you’re my good thing; look at all of them watching; they think you’re so HOT.”

I now think they were wondering what was up because I was dressed like a whore and my ex boyfriend would ask random guys if they would pay me to provide sexual favors for them.

Controlled everything

I dated this man for two and a half years. He would control what I did, what I wore, what I ate, when I slept, how I slept, what I was required to wear to bed, what I could do in bed, IF I could move in bed ”¦ He wouldn’t let me move; he would get angry if I woke him up. He needed his sleep so he could “go out and make money the next day. You know you’re just a needy woman. You need me, the big strong man…”

And he’d laugh at me. He would ridicule me. He would make fun of me. He would laugh if I thought I was smart. He would laugh if I thought I could do something. He would introduce me to people as “the retard.” He would tell me not to talk—why would I bother? It wasn’t like I knew what I was saying anyway.

He would tie me up tell me it was sexy and that everyone else was doing it. He would punch me in the stomach, but he would tell me that he was seeing how tight my abs were. He would show me horrible, horrible movies about what women do when they’re hurt.

He showed me the movie Secretary, where the woman gets sad and then cuts herself, gets found out by her boss and her boss says something like no, don’t do that. And they proceed to have sex while her boss beats her butt with a wooden paddle. My ex would force me to have sex while slapping my butt and digging his hands into me, saying it was love.

Getting out

The list of scary things goes on longer than I want to remember right now. It got to the point that my parents were afraid. My ex-boyfriend was losing control, and I was stuck in the middle.

I would do anything for him, but then I did the one thing he forbade me to do. I got out. I realized that my parents didn’t hate me. I realized that my friends didn’t hate me, and I realized that I am stronger than he is and that I didn’t have to be his “good thing” anymore.

Then he told me that he made a huge mistake. He told me that he was “so sorry,” that it was normal to fly into insane rages when one loses something that he loved. He tried to get me back. I broke up with him. He stayed around for a few months trying all of this.

He convinced me that we could still be together if we were just “F” buddies, because I was the best girl for sex or at sex that he’d ever had. I know that is complete b.s. now, but at the time, when he told me I was the “only one” and “oh so special,” it worked to keep me around.

But, yeah, I mean there’s no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed with him, he would have convinced me to kill myself, or killed me himself. He would tell me to take pills. He said it was a way for me to show the world how “hurt” I was (all said in a condescending and convincing tone).

Anyways, there’s more, but yeah he tried to get me back. He tried telling me how heartbroken and lonely he was without me, which didn’t make sense to me, because when he and I were dating he told me he didn’t get lonely, he just didn’t “feel” it. It’s weird because when I was with him and he was being manipulative and abusive, he almost always told me what he was doing, but he always said, “But baby, it’s okay because we’re different. No one else is like us; we’re better than everyone; just trust me.”

Apart for six months

I can say simply that when I was with him he was emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive. He would always say, “You can’t rape the willing, and you know you’re always willing, don’t bother saying no, because I know that no means yes.” Mind games and everything. He would get me so confused and afraid that if I said no, he’d be angry, and if he was angry he would hit me. Or at least I was terrified that is what would happen, because he would always tell me that he was bigger and stronger…

I have a restraining order against him now. I am in therapy now. We have been apart for six months, but I am still so shocked from it all. It still hurts really bad. I was with a man who told me he loved me, but that was just so that I would keep playing his bitch, keep being his doll and keep being his slave.


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Beverly

It was quite chilling for me reading this story, because there are so many similarities (much more diluted for me) though. My ex watched The Secretary, he called me ‘his … bitch’, he was into spanking, when we broke up once he rang me and asked if we could be F buddies, but when I called on him, he declined, so I terminated the arrangement after a week. He used to dig his fingers into me and bruise me and I said I didnt like it and couldnt understand where he had got that idea from.

He didnt control me overtly, but he used to turn his back on me in bed or sit away from me, he would tease me and then reject me. He used to make weird hints that men were attracted to him – which freaked me out, because I wouldnt get involved in a bisexual relationship and he said he hated gay men, which made me wonder what he was up to. The physical relationship was strange too, very mechanical, devoid of emotion or passion, it was intense, but not the intenseness of passion, more like the intensity of force. He would suggest things to me, but I wasnt liking what I was hearing and he would say that he would be prepared to try anything. I was not into the spanking side either and he very rarely tried that on me, which left me wondering and asking him whether he was carrying it out somewhere else, especially as he was going through large amounts of money in a short space of time. I had some terrible dreams, nightmares and I was becoming fearful of what was happening to me.

During the time we were together, we had numerous break ups, because although I didnt understand why he was doing what he did, I would express concern and he would walk out and finish things, like punishing me for speaking up. Then without a word about it, he would reappear a week or so later, like he had forgiven me for acting up! He asked me to hit him with a belt, but because he had been abused I couldnt do it and I said to him, that all this sex and pain stuff seemed like a he was asking for the woman’s permission for him to hit her through sex – he said he had never thought of that! I had some awful dreams and I never have bad dreams. Luckily those dreams have stopped. He said that we would be ok if ‘I kept my mouth shut’ – the thing is that I am not the kind of person who can keep my mouth shut for long – and thank goodness my anger (the anger he was berating me for) was my saving.

apt/mgr

When I read the accounts of what you women endured, it makes my walk much simpler but the end result was the same. Disbelief, disillusionment, etc. I suffered the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. Some physical, but in the form of man handling. I would like to be able to take a survey and determine if the most of the weird begins once sex starts. That’s when it happened for me.

My husband and I went together for 1 1/2 years and we were chaste in that time. Lots of heavy petting, but we wanted to do it the right way. So I thought. I think if I would have given in, he wouldn’t have married me. I didn’t hold out for marriage. That is just my conviction. I guess that’s how he was able to break me. He knew what worked and he knew how to get to me. It was just a game. Had to be. The end didn’t justify the means.

That’s why after 30+ years of this kind of push/pull treatment, the friend I had was able to get to me. He knew my weakness and played on that. I was so desperate for someone to love me. I was so naive and I always felt that the sex act was consummating the love we felt. He was my only indiscretion. I asked God’s forgiveness for that, but it was probably a blessing in disguise. Had I divorced at that time, I would have probably married this friend and he has really weird ideas for sex. He might be into porn, but his idea of sex and mine were totally different. He, too, was all about roughness and spanking. But he just used my body to get off and left me with nothing. I asked him how he could call that sex. I can’t imagine having that to “look forward to” all the time. I don’t know how anyone could keep up.

I am loving my freedom and when I try and reignite any feelings for this friend, I can’t find them. I think his treatment of me put out the fire. Apparently that’s his idea of sex and from what I’m reading here, there’s more who have dealt with that. What ever happened to romance? I’m beginning to think that sex is over rated. Too much imagination and not enough real action. But all it is, is sex and not love making.

Look at all the news accounts of sex gone bad and the woman gets killed. There is entirely too much perversion going on in the minds of so many, that it makes me very leery of ever trying again. I’m no prude, but I sure am prudent. I had a good friend say that the fighting, hitting etc., are their idea of foreplay. I’m beginning to believe that.

I just know for me the weird started after sex began and in the case of this friend, a slip up, that left a lot of doubt what he really was capable of doing. But I hear the same thing in these blogs. I’m glad I’ve escaped.

Wow…I got complete chills when I read the quote of “you can’t rape the willing.” In the brief time I was with the sociopath he must have said that at least four times. It was always out of the blue, and I realized after the fact he was talking about me. Scary how they are all the same.

CellStemCell

I need two things…AK-47 and his home address…Anyone? Well…thats how I feel. Anyway I feel sorry for that student. it was horrible…Sociopaths are so so similar…You have no kids with him and you are not maried to him, you are young and I wish you to recover as soon as possible. But now you are prepared…you know who they are

Beverly

Agreed Dorkgirl. It is very weird how they seem to say and do the same things – are they watching the same kind of porn or something? Also some of the people who have recorded their thoughts on this site, have used the same terms as myself. One woman said, she called her ex ‘knight in rusty armour’ and that is exactly what I called my ex. The more I analyse these quotes, the more I see through the illusion of it all – and it really was an illusion – they were weaving the illusion unbeknown to us.

I even spoke to his ex and I asked her what he was like with her – she told me he was very possessive – yet he wasnt like that at all with me. Infact he was very very ambivalent with me and then I realised he had tried one way with one person and had adapted himself with me. His ex was very introvert and I am extrovert. Then I began to smell a rat as I realised that he was not being his true self with me. He went beserk when I told him I had spoken to his ex – he said I didnt trust him. Damn right I didnt.

Then as the veils of illusions started to come away in my mind, It suddenly dawned on me that he was having a fake relationship with me and was stringing me along. Of course after that, as I uncovered more and more information and with the help of this site, I realised the true extent of what I had (almost) blindly (but not quite) got involved in and then the terror of where it could have led was frightening, as the story from the poor graduate woman shows.

notquitebroken

I suspect this, too, is a common theme amongst them. It certainly was with the one I encountered. It’s why the recent cultural fascination with kinky sex has disturbed me. We all think anything is fine between consenting adults, and in theory it should be. But how many of us slowly give away our consent to a man like this because he’s eroding our sense of right from wrong? In my own similar situation, I thought I was being ever so avant garde and clever and cool and doing what was “hot” to please the man I loved. In truth, I was allowing him to debase and degrade me in ways that would horrify me if I found out someone was doing that to my sister or daughter. It wasn’t the actual sex that turned him on, I’m quite sure of that. It was the power and control and the knowledge that he could get me to say I was a consenting adult. In truth was a coerced and miserable woman trying too hard to please, but it happened so slowly that I barely noticed. My family did, though. They worried from the start, and I wish I’d listened to them and to other warnings I was given.

Beverly

Notquitebroken. Thank you for bringing me back to first base. Yes I felt the same, I was trying to demonstrate that I could be broadminded, willing to experiment and I did check some of the facts on the web first. The ‘behaviour’ did nothing for me, but of course I didnt realise at the time what his angle was.

I also realise that I wasnt being my true self, I was trying to impress and so in that way I didnt exactly put my foot down. Point taken and digested a little more. I am practising being more real with people and saying ‘no’ when I really want to.

Donna,

What was the addictive quality of this relationship? Why did it take so long to leave? Did you just believe him when he said he was the only one who loved you? Is this out of some self loathing?

I’m just trying to understand the emotional aspect of why you’d endure that sort of abuse for even a day. I understand being a sadist, but I do not understand masochism.

SecretMonster

alohatraveler

This story was very upsetting. There were, as always, some underlying themes that I understood. It’s funny but it is often hard to put into words what it is I am understanding. I just understand.

I do think there is something to these sexual deviances. I know from a women that was with the Bad Man after me that he was starting to deviate more and more from what I would consider to be the norm. I mean, he was getting more and more experimental and wanting to try things that are on the outter fringes. I mentioned before that we (another ex of the Bad man and myself) saw an ad on Craigslist that was looking or a Transexual. This, I consider, is on the outter fringe. There was no picture but since we both had recieved volumes of emails from this man, we could recognize his writing anywhere.

I too thought I was being spicy and fun with my man. I never did anything that was outside my comfort zone. At the time I knew this man, he claimed to be into “Tantric” sex. of course, I thought this was neat but now I feel so turned off when I hear this from people. So many freaky new age weirdos use this as a cover for their hunger of sex sex sex… and Tantric techniques teach men how to gaze into your eyes and “connect” in a way that women long for… and it’s all pretend when you are with a sociopath. They are just following a set of instructions that will allow them to bore a hole in your soul. It’s horrible.

Use caution when people start talking about their love making techniques. It’s not a technique if it comes from theheart.

Anyway, to the author of the letter… I am glad you found lovefraud. This was the beginning of turning my head around. This is your support group. I hope it will be a safe place for you too.

Beverly

Nothing would suprise me about my ex’s sexual behaviour. he was suggesting things that were making me feel very uncomfortable as to what he was cooking up.

I saw an adverts which said ‘dominant male aged 50 seeks submissive domesticated housewife to act as slut and maid. Although this is acted out in the sexual underground, one wonders how much of this slavery is actually going on 24/7. If my ex wanted this kind of relationship, why didnt he tell me in the beginning, so that I could opt out, he would then be free to find women who might like that kind of relationship, instead of approaching mainstream women and messing with their heads, hearts and souls.

apt/mgr

Wow. I’m so sorry for anyone to go through something like this, and as bad as my relationships were, I escaped this kind of treatment. Although, had I been free and would have gotten with this male friend, I truly think it would have led to this. He came to my office one time, shortly into the friendship and wanted to show me something on my computer. It was mild porn and I feigned ignorance. I knew what he was doing, but I thought if I didn’t get involved, then nothing would happen.

I realize now that I was seeing glimpses into his world. He kept getting bolder with certain statements and one time asked me if I would like to watch lesbians. I said, most definitely not, as I don’t want to go into anyone’s bedroom with them. He also suggested getting some sex toy to use on him. Subtle hints that kept opening the door to what must be going on in his head.

After reading so many of the posts here, I am so thankful that I wasn’t free to be available for him. Had I been, I would have been a goner, because he would have convinced me, in my naive state and weakness, that if I wanted his love, I’d have to cooperate. So many women have died during a sex act that went bad. That isn’t what God intended for us as His creation. How many more are going through this very thing behind those closed doors and are suffering because they are at the mercy of this man who has them convinced they can’t make it without him?

I endured the emotional, mental, and mild forms of sex abuse, but never anything of this magnitude. How does one ever heal from that treatment? My heart goes out to those who’ve survived and makes me even more thankful to have escaped the torture chamber.

stunned

Apt Mgr,

I wish I knew how one heals from that kind of treatment.
I wonder if it is even possible or what “healing” in that context even means? For even after extricating oneself from the situation-the mind and soul are left decimated from the experience and the world view and self view are altered forever-nothing, often the humiliation and degradation of having been so de-humanized replaying over and over as the mind struggles in vain to make sense out of not only knowing that kind of senseless annihilating brutality exists, but that one has been subjected to it. There is a terrifying realization that comes when one finds that they had been living/ experiencing reality within the context of a power crazed sadistic torturer and that the prison which trapped the victim was not even tangible but a mere construct created through the process of having one’s mind, emotions, sense of self, perception of reality manipulated and controlled by something/someone other than one’s self.

Secret Monster:
I’ve never felt that the concept of masochism could even be thought to apply in these situations. Self-loathing is what is being induced by the abuse/torture in a sick transference-the perpetrator is off-loading this into the victim who is bound to him, his definition of who she is, what her worth is and what reality is via the brainwashing.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the victim didn’t even experience self-loathing until she is out from under the control of the torturer and able to conceptualize the experience she had been subjected to as an unwitting participant.

Since the torturer convinces the victim that “he’s the only one who cares” creating the illusion of the victim’s complete and total aloneness in the world, having already regressed the victim enough thru the covert abuses to the point where she maybe experiencing reality as though she were a child (a child would die if alone in the world) her autonomy has been lost and she remains mired in the reality the torturer created, holding onto him in order to ensure her survival. Her behavior in this context, appears to exhibit a desire to live not a manifestation of the need to hurt or punish herself intentionally.

– Stunned

2thru

I’m new to this so please bare with me, I’m in a relation ship with someone who is a sociopath, as he told me he is a hustler aka pimp. I knew I should of ran like hell, but I wasn’t like the others or any of his baby’s mamas he told me, as I don’t have children, educated, have a steady income. I don’t know what happened. After two years I find myself paying things I own on paper but don’t have in my procession. I’ve tried many times to break up. but I always get sucked back. I’m in therapy now and have a plan of action in place to get out of the situation however, it’s taking longer than I expect due to I need to look into the legal aspect of the things I “own” so I can get them and leave. What I have to my advantage is that my sociopath doesn’t live with me, which give me allot of time to make my plan of action. What scares me most is that during my planning I find myself thinking like him and during arguments even sound like him”. Have any of you who left found yourself in this situation? And what about the pretending to act if nothing has changed in yourself until you left. I’m sorry if I posted this in the wrong spot but I’ve never done this.

alohatraveler

2thru,

Hmmmm… well, you have come to the right place. Have you read all the stuff about leaving a sociopath? On the side bar, the blogs are sorted under categories.

I don’t know what you mean by thinking like him and sounding like him… I mean I get it but I don’t think that happened to me. But I will say that a lot of people that have posted have wondered if they are a sociopath or if there is something wrong with them. As I read about the personality disorders, I wondered if I had them but I know for sure now I don’t. When you take individual elements of the disorders and read them one by one, many people can say, “Sometimes I do that. Does that mean I am one of those?!” Most likely, you aren’t.

Once you leave, it takes awhile to get grounded and centered and back to youself. Speaking from experience, I think that is normal.

Anyway, make sure you read all the blogs about leaving a sociopath. They are helpful.

Aloha….. E.R.

alohatraveler

I want to say to the author of this letter that your experience sounds horrific but that we can always heal. It’s important to have that hope that we can heal our wounds and our hearts.

Thankfully, I did not go through something as bad as this but I know that there are people who have gone through worse or less and they are healing.

We can all heal… I am saying this to myselt as well.

victim uk

I am new to this web-site and I want to tell you all how amazing it is for me to realise how there ARE other women and men out there who can and do understand what it is like to live with a P.
It is horrific and disgusting to think that these predators con their way into your life, use you, abuse you and then have their freedom to go and abuse again and because of not having the same feelings or a conscience they then never question or feel remorse or guilt for what they have done. We the victims however continue to remember, question and suffer. Even today my P would tell you our marriage failed due to a difference of opinion and that it had been best for everyone that we had gone our separate ways. YES the difference was that he thought abusing and using people was amusing and clever and I did not!
I was in a relationship with a P for 22 years. I met him when I was 16, he was my first sexual partner, I married him and had two children with him. It took me until I was 37 to finally realise I had to get out and it then took me another 3 years to finally get him to leave me alone.
It was only this year, and I am now 45, after I had finally done everything in my power to ensure my children were set on the right paths in life and that the damage inflicted on them by my P, their father, was as undone as it could be that I finally began seriously searching and found the answer to what happened to us and why?
I remember always saying the same thing to myself after he had gone which was ‘Never, ever forget. Never think for one second that this man will ever be ‘ok’. Always remember to stay away from him and DO NOT communicate……EVER!’ I know this is very hard when you have children, joint friends and family but try.
I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused for a very long time and I often wonder whether there is some longevity of abuse from which a person simply cannot be healed?
There have been a few comments posted on this site which have quite shocked me as they are so incredibly similar to my own experience.
I have told people, when trying to explain a part of the abuse that happened to me, the way my P used to say to me’ No means maybe and maybe means yes’ and here I see this repeated from other people and their experience. Amazing!
I have read about the incredible sexual abuse which I myself suffered for a long time. The gaslighting, the lying- the incredible lying!
There is too much to write and so much to say.
An encounter or a relationship with a P is a very isolating and lonely experience as nobody believes you and you are, by association, jointly blamed for all the hurt that is caused after you have found the courage to say no. Saying that final no and meaning it was, in my experience, like dropping an atom bomb! Things had been bad, very bad but I had no idea what further abuse I would face by rejecting him. For years I had put up with his behaviour, I had developed all kinds of coping strategies but one morning I looked into the mirror and saw the bruises and I remember saying aloud ‘Never again, never ever again!’. This was after being kept up all night having been thrown and pushed around, being verbally and emotionally abused and finally when I was so totally exhausted he raped me. When I woke after a few hours sleep he kissed me on the cheek told me he was off to work and that he hoped I would have a nice day and that I knew that the only reason this had happened to me was because I liked it!
Stalking
Suffocation
Harassment
Intimidation of myself, family, friends.
‘Gaslighting’ on a whole new level
The abuse of our children
Head banging and inertia – which were in his repertoire of trying to control me by displaying his ‘upset’ because of my decision.
These were but a few of the new tricks he had up his sleeve.
Now, if anyone ever asks me ‘What are you thinking?’ I react strongly, ask why, and consider whether I should? For years and years over and over again he asked me and for years I was honest and he was not.
I don’t believe that I will ever again tell anyone I love them, apart from my children, as my P used to ask me over and over again. ‘I love you, do you love me?’ When I answered yes of course I do he would often say ‘You don’t sound like you do, try again and this time say it correctly and convince me you mean it’ He told me very early on that if you tell a woman you love her over and over again she will eventually believe it.
The same thing happened repeatedly, sexually, when he told me he needed to have sex to sleep, no sex = no sleep for him or me. So I would have to have sex with him and make sure he ‘came’ before I was allowed to sleep. If, and often this happened, he did not ‘cum’ after I had felt forced to have sex with him he would lie there for a while with me praying for him to be asleep when suddenly he would say ‘ Are you awake? I feel very hurt that you do not obviously love me and that’s why I couldn’t cum, why can you not tell me that you didn’t want sex? You CAN say no but you have to tell me in the RIGHT way.’ He would then tell me word for word what to say and how to say it before asking if I loved him then telling me if I did that I would now make love to him ‘the right way’ to make him cum as it was now cruel to leave him with all his ready to release sperm and that he would not be able to sleep. I learnt that if I did not pretend better this time and do and say all the right things that I would end up being physically and verbally abused by him, kicking me off the bed onto the floor, thrown against the walls and being physically prevented from leaving the room. I remember one time when he pushed me hard against a wall in the bedroom and I had my skin ripped by a nail which was there and my P showed absolutely no remorse but just said that it was my fault as I had not pulled the nail out when I removed the picture! Always no sleep until the job was done, but remember the job, sexual intercourse, had ALWAYS to be done with conviction and ‘love’ even though you have just been physically abused and you hated his guts.
Inevitably I would listen and try to learn how to say ‘not tonight’ but you will also know, if you have ever had this experience, that you will also will never ever get it right.
I didn’t really mean to type up all these disturbing memories but they are unfortunately mine.
One absolute fact that I learnt about physical abuse is that if you are dealing with a person stronger than you who is prepared to use it against you, you will never win. It doesn’t matter how much you plead, reason or argue and fight back you might as well just give in from the start and save your energy. If you ever are in a relationship where your partner uses physical aggression against you YOU MUST LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP as things will only become worse over time.
I have witnessed and been subjected to so many awful things in the last 28 years and it makes me feel very sad to now know that it was all because I was unlucky enough to meet someone, a narcissistic psychopath, who represented between 1-4% of the whole population. I think it is so important that the message about this species gets through to everyone and that it is taken very seriously. I was absolutely amazed but very relieved that on the soap opera ‘Neighbours’ recently that the subject was addressed in a way that indicated that we should all know about them! ‘My father is a Sociopath’. The young man in this scene had stood in front of a class of young chidren and said this statement so easily! As if it was common knowledge!
GOOD!!!! GOOD! GOOD!
My encounter with a P has ruined my life, my health and has turned my totally innocent and naive attitude to life, believing that everyone was basically good, totally upside down. I promised myself when he was eventually forced to leave that I would never let this disgusting excuse for a father and a man ruin my children’s lives, which I have hopefully now achieved, and now I am determined to do my very best to finally heal and be happy within myself.
I am so pleased to find a site devoted to the exposure of these people and for all the people reading this who may not be totally convinced by our stories all I would ask is for you to think and know that this phenomenon is very real, spread the message to everyone you know and be on the look out for them, believe what you are told by their victims – ask yourself why would all the people be here trying to expose the truth and what do you think we have to gain from misleading you? We have nothing to gain from this apart from support and the solace to now know we were not mad. We HAVE, however, lost an awful amount both personally and financially. If by educating people and making everyone aware of the danger to the human population that P’s represent I hope that this may help to stop another innocent person from being abused.

alohatraveler

victim uk,

What a heart wrenching story. You are truly a survivor!

There is a perception that the victims of DV are weak but I think the reality is that they are strong. Very Strong. You used your strenght to survive. I have to believe that people can recover from these types of experiences. I hope you can find a DV support group if you haven’t already. There are usually support groups for that and you can bet that most if not all physical abusers are Sociopaths or Psychopaths.

And your children may benefit from counseling as well for they are survivors too.

I am glad you found LoveFraud. This is a wonderful place to begin healing.

Aloha……. E.R.

peggywhoever

UK:

I was very touched by your story, by your sharing, courage, strength, and your positive outlook. I hope that someday you can say the “L” word to someone besides your children. It is helpful and healing to express your experiences in an informative and caring environment like Lovefraud.

lesley

UK,

I’m not an expert, but it seems to me that what you at times went through could verifiably be described as torture. If you read about a woman in Darfur going through something like that at the hands of a soldier, nobody would think twice about describing it that way. I know I’m an invisible person half way around the world, but I’m deeply sorry you had the bad luck of that extended misfortune.

I agree with the others; You are extremely strong to have gotten yourself out of that. Human beings are resillient and I really believe you can end up okay. The psyche and body know how to heal themselves; yours will, too. Right now, you just have to take repeated leaps of faith.

Diane, et al: I wonder if you might want to start a thread on sadism: are sociopaths by nature sadists? I’d love to hear people’s comments. The one I knew seemed to get the same buzz off women’s suffering as he did off their moony manipulated attention, so I’m not sure what he was.

victim uk

Thank you so much for your unquestioning support and faith in an equally invisible half way around the world person:)
It HAS been very hard and I feel as many people would in my position and that is what happened then to me and my children is now, THANK GOD, past. This doesn’t mean I have stopped being rather obsessed with still finding the answers, I am still learning, but now I feel that the answers I am looking for is how best to move on from here, how to protect myself and others. How to deal with the inevitable crossing of paths I will have with my P due to the equally inevitable life events of the future etc etc
We are all individuals but I have learnt by reading that we, the victims, also all seem to share certain psychological responses to trauma and when I was in the middle of my nightmare I had no way of being able to see the ‘bigger picture’. I was in continual crisis for a long time and my self worth diminished to virtually nothing.
One of the worst ‘realities’ I have had to face is that I meant absolutely nothing to my P apart from the abstracted ‘narcissistic supply’ to him that I was. That is a very hard thing to come to terms with.
When I read now about what responses victims have to their experience I seem to be rather a text book example and although this is comforting in one way it also makes me quite ‘usual’ and rather predictable.
Prevention is better than cure and I have done everything in my power to educate my children in the rights and wrongs of relationships even though the chances of them having the same experience is so small.
If I am writing here on ‘Love Fraud’ for any reason it is not to shock anyone with my stories or to be self righteous about how I overcame the ‘evil’ in my life, as I am still very much still learning, but it is to help give insight in the light of my own experience which may or may not help which is why I now ask you this question.
What would be the cruellest twist of fate to befall any woman or man who had had a relationship with a P?
I think it would be to have another one.
What kind of person does a P identify and pray upon?
The vulnerable.
After a relationship with a P that is exactly what I was, vulnerable, weakened,confused and lonely.
For myself I was also a ‘prostitute’ my body meant absolutely nothing to me and this has led me into all kinds of very unsuitable relationships and situations.
I hasten to add that none of my ‘encounters’ and relationships have ever affected my children. I was at least conscious enough to take the decision that I would never live with another man and not involve them until they were ‘safe’. They had been through enough.
So two pieces advice to anyone out there who may be entering into the phase of being available again to form another relationship are these:-
!. Give yourself time. This web-site advises ‘at least a year’ before looking for any relationship and I feel this is very good advice. Think of it like an ’emotional break’ I actually use this phrase now to explain to anyone why I am not in a committed relationship.
2. Beware of the internet and dating sites- they are the playground of P’s, married men and other very strange people.
Because my network of friends had completely broken down due to my wanting to protect them from my P this left me again very open to further abuse.
I know how much one wants someone to now love and protect them but find this in your own time knowing this time what it is you want and what you will and will not tolerate.
Thank you again for your kind support and understanding of my own experience.

Still Standing

Hi,
I am the author of this post “He wanted me to keep playing his bitch” I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has responded, your support means a lot to me.

As I have thought about this all more [my relationship with my ex] I have come to understand that he had me so brainwashed and completely alienated from myself.

He took the fact that I had been sick as a teenager and always threw it in my face, saying “Remember when you were 16, remember you’re brain damaged, remember how sick you are, were, are, Remember how much you need me..”

It was sick.

I just wrote another part of this all I am just still trying to come to terms with it..I mean, I know that it happened, but it hurts like hell…

here’s this [what I just wrote]

He said, “I love ya, baby”
As he punched me in the face.
He pulled me to the ground and said
“You know you can’t rape the willing….. honey (as an afterthought)
“You know that this is right.”

I’d start to cry he’d turn away, never seemed to notice
WIth an impatient wave of his hand
He’d gesture down
And say, “Get to it”.
As he quickly unzipped
his pants
his pants.

I wish it was always that blatant. If it was that obvious and clear I would have gotten out sooner. He’d treat me like shit but then whisper sweet nothings and say that he meant them that I had to believe him because I couldn’t trust myself, didn’t I remember I had brain damage? Didn’t I remember that I needed him, for this, for that, for everything?
Obviously I couldn’t leave him if i was always gonna need him
So he’d punch me in the face again then laugh and say
Come on.

Truth mixed with mystery, lies confusion pain he was the reason, he was the savior, he fucked with my head made it one and the same…

I learned to dress to please him
I learned the things to say
I learned to move to please him
in every fucking way.

I said the things I walked the walk I slowly, quickly lost

me

I wasn’t to eat
I was to work out
And take the pills
Always
the pills
to stay so pretty to stay so thin
so thin
Stay thin
So thin
stay thin
thin
thin
thin

[dead]

He just got in my head f’ed with my emotions so much, told me how i felt, what was right to feel how i could feel when i could feel what i could feel, and then would tell me that I was wrong. god this is just hard to get over..

alohatraveler

to Still Standing,

Inside of you is a bright spirit waiting to reemerge. I am going to quote Khatalyst because it was so powerful what she said quite a while back… she talks about this beautifully to another reader:

“all I can tell you is that there is a center in you that is not harmed, can’t be harmed. Your blown-open heart is making a lot of noise right now, but it’s just talking to you about how mean he was and how it hurt. Deeper inside you is a powerful and visionary woman who is learning and judging and thinking about what is the next best thing for you. Trust in your own healing. Be kind to yourself. Take your time. You are ten times the human being he was, and what you have to do now is just figure out how to experience your life that way.”

You sound very damaged but as you say, you are Still Standing. There are others that don’t make it out of these kinds of situations. That thing that holds you up is the thing that Khatalyst is talking about… that center of you.

Stick with us here at LoveFraud. Know that you can come through to the other side. It seems like you fully understand how he did what he did. Perhaps you will have a growing up moment like I did. I let the Bad Man tell me who I was. I let him tell me who I wasn’t. I was unsure of myself. I was open to hear anything. I am not this person anymore.

There were things I was unsure of about myself and then again, there were some things he said that I knew just weren’t true. Find one thing he said that you know wasn’t true. Write down the truth and use this as a brick to stand on and rebuild the foundation of you. If you have to, build a real pile of bricks and write on them what is good and true about you.

Begin rebuilding you a little everyday, by finding something about yourself that you know is true. Create a trail and follow it back to yourself. If too many bad things are coming into your mind, write them down and then burn them up in your fireplace.

Find yourself, dear soul. Our lessons were painful. I have been a slow learner when it comes to loving myself. Now I am catching up. You will too. Don’t waste another minute on your Bad Man. He is doing his Sociopath thing and it really has nothing to do with who you really are.

Someone explained it to me like this…. if you go to the theatre to see a movie, does the screen have anything to do with the movie playing on it? No. It’s just a big blank white sheet. Wipe the screen back to blank and write on it who you are and don’t let anything your Bad Man said to sneak on there. There really is nothing of value they can tell us about ourselves. Nothing.

I will be thinking of you out here in Internet land.

Still Standing

thank you, your response means a lot.
i know in my heart that I’m stronger than him, i knew that when I was with him, too. It was strange because I always kinda knew in the back of my mind but he was there in the front tellin’ me what I was…anyway,
I will try your advice, I need to put this behind me and just chalk it up to ‘bad’ cause it’s not doing me any good.

I have a quesion for you, anybody really, though.
Has anyone who was involved with a ‘bad’ man [or woman] felt compassionae and wanted to find the good in them because you think there has to be good and I know there isn’t good, it’s not there…
but sometimes i still waiver and want to think of him as good cause that was the act…
ay, but anyway, thank you for being here,
take care

Beverly

I think many of us have been drawn into taking care of and feeling compassion for someone who really doesnt want to be fixed, but plays on it when it suits them. My ex did not play on his turbulent childhood and background and infact would not discuss it at all and often told me not to caretake him. If he mentioned he liked mushrooms, I bought mushrooms – I did way too much for him, above and beyond the miniscule return I got from him, he denied me any emotional input and cleverly pretended that he was in a relationship with me, when his behaviour clearly showed that he was out of the relationship. One thing I learnt above anything else and I have had plenty of dysfunctional relationships – is that if they dont consistently back up what they say (more or less) then their words mean absolutely nothing.

One of the mental and emotional dilemmas of being involved with someone with PDs, is that it is very difficult to get a true understanding of what is real and genuine and what is fake about them and their behaviour.

We have to do our own inner work, why shouldnt they? They truly do not deserve all the attention and benefits they (take) get, whilst some of us who have worked a whole lifetime on ourselves are left high and dry – yes I am angry about that.

Grace63

Good Morning alll….just finished reading the last couple of entries…and, I had to respond…

Stillstanding you said:

“Has anyone who was involved with a ’bad’ man [or woman] felt compassionae and wanted to find the good in them because you think there has to be good and I know there isn’t good, it’s not there”c
but sometimes i still waiver and want to think of him as good cause that was the act”
ay, but anyway, thank you for being here,
take care

AND YES YES YES, I have been there! I sometimes get very confused by some of the times when he seemed very sweet and helpful, etc. But, I measure the few times against the vastness of the conning, cruelties, devasation that he caused in my life/our lives (I have a 14 year old daughte)…and realize that my perceptions then (AND SOMETIMES NOW) are not necessarily reality.

You see, I was raised in a very unpredictable house my survival depended on me denying the truth, finding the good in the father in my house…finding the good in him was a fantasic tool, defensive device, and I have always tried to “find the good” in people. Everyone has some good sure, but, some are downright evil…and, are more evil than good.

Wanting to see good is not a bad thing, being confused is not a bad thing…grieving is not a bad thing…one thing I found in the beginning of my recovery…it was very helpful to remove the JUDGEMENT in my words toward myself…grieving, recoverying is very very painful…and, acceptance that it will be this way, even confusing, and maddening at times….this has been helpful…it will pass…with dedication, hardwork, and knowledge that others have walked this road…has given me HOPE.

Good morning Aloha…I liked your wiping the screen clean analogy…STILL STANDING, this is the exciting part, has been for me…I GET TO START OVER…and, create the me I WANT to be…ONCE I realized my badman was PROJECTING his own stuff onto me (he would say I was dishonest, cheating on him, a psycho, etc etc) I knew I had to DISOWN THOSE WORDS…this was HIM!!! Not me. I learned that I had to create more positive views of myself…and, I did this with self-chants, writing affirmations on the wall, speaking with people that I trusted and loved me who could mirror my goodness back to me….I wrote….and wrote and wrote…

Stillstanding, do NOT judge yourself for thinking he is still good sometimes…just make sure you you HONOR yourself…
and continue no contact. All of us have some good…in us…but, not all of us are MOSTLY EVIL. I laugh sometimes because I have struggled with wanting to think my ex has some good…and I told my friend…yes, he has some good in him…he’s breathing…and, that’s about it….

I have had trouble with my longstanding philisophical beliefs, beliefs I have had since surving my childhood about PEOPLE…
and, it can be downight confusing…but, for me the bottom line is…he was sick AND EVIL, IS sick and evil; and today, I chose to no longer engage with people who do not bring virtue into my life (unless I have to,like at work). BECAUSE I AM WORTHY of so much more….

I am a wonderful person, just touching the surface of my magnificence…and, my light was just a flicker a year ago…and, NOW…it is beginning to find its fullness…and, day by day, its getting even brighter and brighter. As will yours!

And, many people can say the same thing here…it takes time….for me, I have been DETERMINED to heal, be kind to myself, and to trash all the trashtalk he sent my way!!

IT’S ALL OVER…the war is over…now it is time to take an inventory of my assetts, to live well, take care of myself, love myself…and, surround myself with people that love me. Sometimes when I start thinking of him…I immediately switch over to an image of a rose, a beautiful rose….or the word LOVE…and focus on these images…and, say NO THANKS, I don’t want you in my life anymore!

They do not deserve any more of our time, attention, or precious LIFE ENERGY…it is through crises and struggles that we have the opportunity to EMERGE…YOU are never alone…none of us are…I am so grateful to have this site!!!

Have a great day you all…my daughter and I have to travel to DC to the Holocaust museum for a school assignment today…a year ago, I would not have been able to be emotionally present for my daughter…TODAY I am able to be…this is due to the hardwork, healing, support and friendships I have with so many wonderful people…

Thank you all for being here…and, helping me to maintain my commitment to LIVING A GREAT LIFE! I NEED this site…and, am so grateful for it…

Peace, love…and hugs (if you would like them!)

Peace

Still Standing

Grace63
Thank you. I found myself smiling through your response. See, that’s the thing, I’m not broken, I’m not messed up, I just have this huge b ad thing that happened to me. I, like you, want to see the good in everybody. When I was with the bad man I tried my damn hardest to find the good in him make what he did “good”. I lost myself in that process, I was so busy trying to make him good I forgot to care about myself. And wow I just said that for the first time.
Maybe that is part of what I should be learning from this…
Thank you all again for your support.

alohatraveler

Still Standing,

YES! I believed the Bad Man had good in him. We all believed this and that is why they chose us. My Bad Man was a former Minister. Imagine?! I had a very hard time balancing in my mind what was happening to me with the idea of “ordained Minister.” A few times in public, people approached us with bigs smiles, “Pastor J! How nice to see you! Are you still doing Humanitarian aid in Tonga?” This was a complete and total Mind F–k for me. (please excuse the expression but there really is nothing better for it.)

I am sure your BadMan attempted to put the idea in your head that he was good and you were not. If you take away ALL of his words.. take away EVERY SINGLE THING he told you about himself and who he thinks he is, and look ONLY at how he acted, you will see the real person. Let’s go back to my movie screen analogy. Watch in your mind a silent movie of your Bad Man. Who is he now?

Their words are used to convince us that what our senses tell us is not true. They are brainwashers. There is something very un-human about our experiences with Sociopaths. I believe this is why it is so hard to grasp. It’s like looking at a newspaper in Korean. I don’t get it at all. Reading Korean is completely out of my scope of life experience.

I can honestly say that I did not begin to heal one bit until I found LoveFraud. I was pretty much out of contact with him but my fantasy of him and who he told me he was was still there in my mind. It was a powerful fantasy. I was still wondering if somehow it was me that made things not work. He wanted me to think this of course. He wanted me to think that I was the most dispicable character that ever walked the earth… how ironic.

If you stay here with us at LoveFraud, you will start to get that everything your Bad Man did falls under sociopathic tactics. Eventually, your Bad Man, will disappear… POOF! and the real man will emerge. You know who the real man is, you just have to accept it. Once you accept it, you can begin to shed the lies he told you about yourself.

Back to compassion… Compassion is beautiful. Have compassion for you. Have compassion for me. Have compassion for a small child who dropped their ice cream cone. Have compassion for a stray dog dragging his tail low to the ground. I am going to quote myself now about Compassion. This is from my essay here at LF:

“It’s noble to throw yourself in front of a bus to save the one you love, but not if they are the one driving the bus!” (Do I have to put quotes when I quote myself? English majors? Anyone? HAHA!)

Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that I was trying to help someone that I thought was in a lot of pain but ignoring his actions toward me which were completely unacceptable. Then one day, I had this vision of trying to save him from being hit by a bus… and then I saw in my mind that the Bus driver was the Bad Man…. frothing at the mouth, driving full speed ahead at ME!? I got it! Why am I trying to help him? He is trying to destroy me and he is doing a very good job of it!

After my Sociopathic encounter, I am emerging a much stronger woman. I needed to wake up. My eyes and ears have changed. Now I know the language of disordered people and I can separate what is me and what is them. If I am honest with myself, I never was able to make this separation in my life until now.

If you believe that there is some inner core of goodness in your Bad Man, we are here to tell you that there isn’t. Whether he was some kind of genetic mistake or product of a tragic life, it doesn’t matter. Believing in your Bad Man’s invisible goodness is unproductive for you. Remember the bus driver with the frothing mouth, the fearsome eyes…

If you have a picture of your Bad Man, add a few details… perhaps some fangs, horns, nostrils flaring… this will remind you that you weren’t seeing him how he was.

With warmest Aloha…….. E.R.

Beverly

It is very difficult to separate the real from the illusion, the illusion – the mirror they set up to pretend that they were us, that they fitted in with the values we hold high. My ex N, feigned personal integrity, fidelity and nobleness as the high qualities he had, but he knew that these were the qualities I want in a man.

That is why I took on a man with nothing, as I thought that personal qualities are in higher regard. But I ignored the stuff that was staring me in the face – his poor living conditions, his 85 pages of jobs, lived all over the place. Made allowances for him over and over – based on the illusion. We have to keep remembering the real side and not the illusion. They were just mirroring us. Just read in an article, that in a sense we were responding to ourselves reflected back to us – and if we fell in that deep – we must be truly wonderful.

Really liked this, Beverly, because I’m angry about it, too – “They truly do not deserve all the attention and benefits they (take) get, whilst some of us who have worked a whole lifetime on ourselves are left high and dry – yes I am angry about that.”

Without going into a whole life’s story, I will say that while thinking about counseling, I get angry over the things that have happened since childhood that necessitated counseling. I didn’t do these things, first of all. They were done to me. Second, I am not the person in denial or, in the case of the P ex, skipping merrily along to the next victim! Was talking with a friend on the issue of counseling and I said, “it really pisses me off that they did this stuff and I have to find more time, be more accommodating, just to work through it.

But, as she said, we’re the ones who want to work through it. We have a lot to gain from working through it. We can heal. We can become whole and put our abuse and the perpetrators in their rightful place in the context of our lives.

It stings, though. Dredging-up all this crap from the past (and some from the present) is a tough journey; we do our inner work because we have an inner being begging us to fix ourselves and an outer Universe that keeps reminding us it’s necessary…sometimes by placing P’s in our paths.

Ox Drover

Aloha, I love the bus driver analogy, and it is so right on!

I had a therapist tell me one time that the “only legitimate rescue is an unconscious victim who needs dragging from a burning building” and I thnk she is right.

My ex father in law (who was I think a P) also had one that was right too (even a blind pig can get an acorn every now and then) “You can give people things but you CAN”T HELP them–they have to help themselves.”

I have realized that I in the name of “helping” was an enabler. That insight and relevation about my own part in making myself a victim was the biggest “ah ha” moment of my life. I also realized that it was a life long pattern that I had to BREAK and I have really done so.

I very seldom give my opinion to anyone that I see who is doing something that I see a problem with, unless they ask me. Even if they ask me I try to look at it from”their point”–do they really want the suggestions I might have? Whose responsibiliity is it to make the decision? Etc.

I also realize I am a “people pleaser” who makes every effort to “never offend anyone” no matter what they do to me. Now I am learning to set appropriate boundries. Not that I didn’t KNOW how to before, but I was not willing to set them because it might “offend” someone and they wouldn’t “like” me or would think I was unfair…DUH! If someone is abusing me, what do I CARE what they think? What do I care if they get mad at me or not?

In many ways I am having to resocialize my entire outlook on life—and change my behavior to a more healthy combination of caring and self preservation rather than just giving and giving to others. I am not going to make myself a pancake in front of anyone else’s bus again! I love that! Thanks, I hope you don’t mind if I “steal” that and use it in my thinking, it is great! LOL

Still Standing

Beverly,
Thank you so much for what you said about the mirror and what not. I made my ex the most wonderful thing int he world cause when I looked at him I saw this amazing, sweet loving caring person.
It makes me sick now to just realize that when I looked at him I saw me reflected because I AM a sweet loving and caring person.

What happened specifically with me how he got in my head in my life.
When I was 16 years olod I was on top of the world. I was going to a private school I was getting all A’s I had a lot of friends I was ‘on top of it all’.
Then I got sick. I was infected with a terrible case of neurological lyme disease which left me severely disabled for the following 3 1/2 years.

Because I’m determined and strong I refused to give up during the fight for my health and self back. Anyways
I told my ex all of this he could see it too because I had gone from being better than healthy to completely disabled and sick and then to haing recovered but with some limitations I didnt’ know how to define myself I wasn’t sure who I was after “Lyme disease.”
I can still hear how my ex sounded when he told me not to worry he told me that it was okay that I wasn’t like the person I was ‘before I got sick.’ He told me that I woulodn’t want to be like who i was before I got sick because I obvviously got sick because I was such a b*.
He told me that we must do away with that B* that I was, he told me that I’d be happier if i just modeled my life after his. That was around the start of the developing of our “relationship.”

It was alll so dominant/submissive. I had never wanted to have anything to do with that before him.

Okay I’m just going on about the hurt of it all though, I mean it’s been over for 7 months I have you all now, I can just let this go and let this be, let this stand as an example of how realy f*ed up people can be..

thank you again
Still standing

Still Standing

you all don’t think my psycho ex would do a web search to find me somehow so he can screw me over some more do you?
see, fear to make him angry he just had me so terrified t do…anything and everything, but, anything.

alohatraveler

Still Standing,

When I posted the Bad Man on dontdatehimgirl.com, the moment I hit the “publish” button, I felt as though he would somehow instantly see my posting and attack me. My heart pounded and I was having a total anxiety attack and considered taking it down as fast as I had put it up… but I didn’t. ;o)

So, I totally understand how posting your name accidentally would cause a wave of fear. My name is Elise. That’s less common. Guess what? I don’t feel scared that I wrote that. How nice. I have come a long way.

Anyway, another reader sent me an article this morning that blew me away. It is part of a series and I have gone back and read all 6 articles now. However, she handpicked the one she sent and it could not be more perfect for me. I thought of your story immediately and I would like to include a link for you. See? You are really not alone! I have a feeling that you will resonate with this one. Here is the link.

http://www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart5

I encourage anyone who delt with a verbal, psychological and emotional abuse to check this out. Thanks to Peggy Pseu for sending it to me. She is a real detective! This article practically explains how the unthinkable happens… it explains the thing I find hard to explain to others and to myself.

Keep hanging in there ….

Aloha… from Elise

Still Standing

thank you both so much 🙂
I will check out the link you sent Aloha

findingmyselfagain

I read the link – wow – is that ever right on. It scares me to realize with whom I was placing myself into their care, their home, car, bed — I count all of us lucky to be at least out from under them enough that we are safe and alive and here on this site.

Still:

“you all don’t think my psycho ex would do a web search to find me somehow so he can screw me over some more do you?
see, fear to make him angry he just had me so terrified t do”anything and everything, but, anything.”

Oh yes, Still. I do believe he would, based on my own recent experiences — that I’m not even willing to detail online in a public forum. Mine recently did a number of things, though, as recent as two weeks ago, that I couldn’t believe he would do. Doesn’t even phase me anymore, though. Just shows that he’s hung-up on losing his power and now realizing he’s impotent.

Remember: they cannot give up power, willingly. If they cannot have positive power over you, they will accept negative. Don’t give them ANY kind of ammo. Just stay positive and alert and, if you get weird emails from strangers or unbidden, delete them.

Always forward, never backward…and assume that he is capable of the worst. People without conscience are.

Beverly

I think it is always worth remembering that these testimonials are viewable to the public. I have been quite frank in my testimonials but there are key facts that I would not include to reveal his identity. I feel I am entitled to express my opinions without naming and shaming him. In view of what I have been put through, if it wasnt for this site and the fact that I can express my anquish (aside from my friends and work collegues) here, – and compare views and give and get support – I think I probably would have turned ‘mental’.

Beverly

Just wondering if you or others here find yourselves ever fighting yourself on whether or not to “name and shame?” We share a number of acquaintances, he and I, as well as the fact I’ve been writing a book on my experiences with him and dating the NPD partner.

Still can’t decide what direction to go…the people we both know already started indicating to me back when I was seeing the guy that he’s messed-up from their own experiences. Several of them strongly dislike him as a human being and perceive him as arrogant, controlling, rude, distant, even crazy.

But I’ve kept my (pretty open, most of the time) mouth shut, for a number of reasons. And yet there are days where I think…why?? The truth is the truth and sunlight is a great disinfectant.

Yet, quiet I remain on his behavior and identity.

Beverly

LilOrphan. Personally I wouldnt do something I might regret or worry about later. There have been a number of actions I could have taken to give him discomfort and pay him back, but he is out of my life now and why give myself more fear and more grief. But my moods are like the weather and I too have times when I feel very vengeful and angry. Also tempting to tip off the new g/f but I also have to remember that I dont know what kind of relationship they have and I dont want to invest any more energy even in vengeful acts towards him, but it doesnt stop me imaging what I would like to do. I think I am over alot of the anger now.

EnnLondon

I think any satisfaction on naming and shaming would be short-lived as well.

If you’ve just broken up with the P it’s tempting to warn everyone as much as anything because you can’t stand the idea of him with someone else.

But then we have to accept: No matter WHAT we do – they are going to do this, treat somebody new (or more likely several people) like rubbish. All I ask is that I don’t know about anything about him anymore (Bingo! NC!)

Yet again – ‘The best revenge is living well.’

I see others are writing books as well – I’d love to know how they’re going (I’m writing one too, have been for a while and my experience with the P was such a catalyst to my plot that I’m almost grateful for the experience!)

Enn and Beverly , I get what you’re saying. The only reason why I’d want to tell anyone is if it will make him STOP doing things to me. I have no lost love for him anymore, nor need for vengeance – nor even the desire to warn any other women. They’ll figure it out on their own.

Part of this desire (that comes and goes) is the fact that I believe in complete honesty and he’s a walking violation of that belief. The other part is that I think it’s healing to take ownership of your own story and truth; for better or worse, this journey into his psychosis has become an aspect of my truth, over the years.

But I doubt I’ll ever bother saying anything except maybe to future bf’s or a spouse, if one is in my future. And who knows? Maybe by then I just won’t give a damn.

Last summer, the book was going well. It’s nonfiction. I haven’t bothered since January, so who knows? People who knew him would know that it was about him. People who didn’t would not.

Thanks, both of you, for weighing-in on the subject with your feelings.

Still Standing

hey everyone…
I… I don’t know if I;’m just by myself right now, exausted from the day at work, and letting my mind wander, or what..but…

Do any of you ever think of your P and wonder, but then kick yourself because you know you know that it was horrible, worse than horrible, but then still, part of your mind wanders and questions…
And it’s just a vicious cycle…
I don’t know if i should stop talking about it in hope to stop thinking about it.
Last night when I was talking about it I realized how about 9 out of 10 times we had sex it was forced in some way or other.
Whether it was due to fear of making him angry, desperation to please him, or brute force on his part [although he never hit me becaue he was too ‘smart’ for that…]
It just hurts. He had told me that I’d miss him and need him and I know that I don’t and don’t, it’ just strange because he isolated me so he was my one and only for over 2 years and while I’m getting my friend back and making new one..it’s still really raw I guess.

But, then I’m okay cause I know that I’m strong, I Jut wish i could know that he hurts, but then, again, he doesn’t hurt like we do..

-peace-

alohatraveler

Still Standing,

the only way he hurts is… he hurts others.

He has played a sick and twisted game on you. It will take awhile for you to unpack all of that and deal with it. I cried about some of the things the Bad Man said more than a year after he said them. Someone explained to me that this was due to the volume of abuse that I was under. I think this may be true for you. Your mind can only handle all of what you went through in pieces. You were in survival mode for a long time so some of the nightmare will creep up on you. Cry when you need to.

It sounds like you went through tremendous torture. Find ways that will keep your focused on who he really is. Over time, your mind will wander less and less to the pretend man… the one you think you miss sometimes or “wonder” about.

Think of it this way, NONE of these men we refer to here have ever turned out to be okay. None of us have returned to them and lived happily ever after. Your case is one the most disturbing I have read… you know the answer… there is nothing to wonder about.. no hidden nice guy… no invisible good side.

He is a sadistic sociopath. PERIOD.

Keep fighting to retrieve your thoughts from him. He will fade away. Sign in here whenever you start to wonder. Reread your own story… that should be enough to snap you out of it… you wrote it during a time when you weren’t “wondering.” That is you telling YOU who he is. Listen to yourself.

When you hear our stories, do you ever “wonder” if our Bad Men were actually good? Nope. We don’t wonder if your Bad Man is good at all. You already told us everything we need to know… pretend you are sitting in a circle listening to your story told by one of us. How does it sound now?

I hope you know that I completely empathsize with the pull you feel. I have walked that too.

Aloha dear one…
E.

Still Standing

thank you so much E,

You’re right, I know he’s horrible, hell, last night talking about him I realized how horrible he is even more so
think that he got so deep in my head, cuz every time i would think he’d tell me i was wrong and have the perfect reasons for why I was wrong

I think it’s just that hard to realize or accept that it was all a lie, just a game, for over 2 years..

somethin funy, i saw a friend of mine who i’ve been friends with for years, today, we were talkin about me and my P and he just said yeah, that all makes so much sense, a lot of thought he wa psycho..ad then my friend said that that excplains why i was so sick so much of the time when i wa with my P, my friend said my midn was trying to pull me away but couldn’t and.

it’s crazy but..yeah I know it was worng, is wrong.
it’s just scary

thank you again, Aloha,
take care
PEACE

Still Standing

how can a Sociopath act so “loving” and mean absolutely none of it?
I understand that my ex was, is, a sociopath, but how did he play the part so well if he didn’t mean any of it…?i just don’t get it
or maybe it’ s so far from who i am that i don’t want to get it.

Beverly

Still Standing – these are my views, but other contributors may have other ideas.
(1) they want something from you
(2) they get fun out of exploiting and manipulating
(3) they want you as their primary source of attention
(4) they have practised it on others
(5) they watch people and they think out their strategies
(6) they think that this time they have found someone who ticks all their boxes and will put up with their nonsense
(7) they want to keep you sweet so they can do nasty stuff
(8) they want to keep you magnetised to them
(9) there is always something in it for them
(10) you look like the perfect target

Still Standing and Bev:

I think Bev’s right and I also marvel (for lack of a better term, maybe like SHUDDER) at how they do what they do so well.

Mine once told me flat out that he was “a great actor” and, thinking he had been in community theater during the time we were apart, I asked him what did he perform in?

He walked over and said, in a voice as cold as death, “I got you to believe me, didn’t I?”

That was three days after he said he loved me and wanted to marry me. I knew that was what he was referring to with the “got you to believe me” comment.

It still revulses me. Am thinking of starting a diet where everytime I go to eat something, I will picture the S’path in my head or something he said. Will be a regular Twiggy in no time flat! 🙂

He knew what he was. Heaven help him, he knows. That’s the thing that can make blood run cold; it’s one thing when a person is a monster, unconsciously. It’s another when they’re a deliberate subhuman monster — and for “fun”.

If I were like him, I’d kill myself. Really. The thought of living without a conscience and heart seems so meaningless and futile. It must be why he has become an alcoholic in the past several years while we were apart: who could live with themselves sober, being that evil?

alohatraveler

When I was reading about Borderlines I read something that said they often read books about what women want. That made me sick because I remember that the Bad Man told me proudly that he had read a book like that and that was how he knew that he should take care of his toenails. :o)

Their life practice is to study how people behave and then “act” loving, or sorry, or remorseful. I believe that is why sometimes, our senses tingle and tell us something isn’t right… just like when you are watching a movie and you become aware of the acting…. if you notice the acting, it usually means it isn’t good. If you don’t notice the acting and you believe the story, well… bring on the OSCARS!

Some of us were with excellent actors. Some of us were with not so good ones. Once I told the Bad Man that I wanted to see him cry to know that he really got how much he hurt me. Not long after, he obliged but I immediately thought to myself, “hmmm, something is not right about that.”

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