Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a 24-year-old woman, a graduate student.
He told me he was all I needed; he told me that he was the only person who cared. He told me my friends hated me because they were so mad at me because I got sick. He told me they were just all bitches like all of the other girls in the world. Like his ex-girlfriends, like his mother, like (me).
I had no idea that sociopaths existed. I thought that “sociopath” was only a word thrown about on TV, late night news, America’s Most Wanted.
My therapist told me that my ex-boyfriend is one of the worst sociopaths that she has heard about in her 12 years of practice.
Abuse starts slow
The abuse started out subtle; the control started out slow. He told me that I’d look cute if I just started dressing a little more suggestively. He told me that a slight heel (high heels) would do wonders for any girl’s appearance. “Didn’t I want to be the girl all of the other girls were jealous of?” He would tell me how to dress in order to make guys stare.
He would walk me down the street, hand around my neck, but whispering, “Babe, you look great. God, baby you’re my good thing; look at all of them watching; they think you’re so HOT.”
I now think they were wondering what was up because I was dressed like a whore and my ex boyfriend would ask random guys if they would pay me to provide sexual favors for them.
Controlled everything
I dated this man for two and a half years. He would control what I did, what I wore, what I ate, when I slept, how I slept, what I was required to wear to bed, what I could do in bed, IF I could move in bed ”¦ He wouldn’t let me move; he would get angry if I woke him up. He needed his sleep so he could “go out and make money the next day. You know you’re just a needy woman. You need me, the big strong man…”
And he’d laugh at me. He would ridicule me. He would make fun of me. He would laugh if I thought I was smart. He would laugh if I thought I could do something. He would introduce me to people as “the retard.” He would tell me not to talk—why would I bother? It wasn’t like I knew what I was saying anyway.
He would tie me up tell me it was sexy and that everyone else was doing it. He would punch me in the stomach, but he would tell me that he was seeing how tight my abs were. He would show me horrible, horrible movies about what women do when they’re hurt.
He showed me the movie Secretary, where the woman gets sad and then cuts herself, gets found out by her boss and her boss says something like no, don’t do that. And they proceed to have sex while her boss beats her butt with a wooden paddle. My ex would force me to have sex while slapping my butt and digging his hands into me, saying it was love.
Getting out
The list of scary things goes on longer than I want to remember right now. It got to the point that my parents were afraid. My ex-boyfriend was losing control, and I was stuck in the middle.
I would do anything for him, but then I did the one thing he forbade me to do. I got out. I realized that my parents didn’t hate me. I realized that my friends didn’t hate me, and I realized that I am stronger than he is and that I didn’t have to be his “good thing” anymore.
Then he told me that he made a huge mistake. He told me that he was “so sorry,” that it was normal to fly into insane rages when one loses something that he loved. He tried to get me back. I broke up with him. He stayed around for a few months trying all of this.
He convinced me that we could still be together if we were just “F” buddies, because I was the best girl for sex or at sex that he’d ever had. I know that is complete b.s. now, but at the time, when he told me I was the “only one” and “oh so special,” it worked to keep me around.
But, yeah, I mean there’s no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed with him, he would have convinced me to kill myself, or killed me himself. He would tell me to take pills. He said it was a way for me to show the world how “hurt” I was (all said in a condescending and convincing tone).
Anyways, there’s more, but yeah he tried to get me back. He tried telling me how heartbroken and lonely he was without me, which didn’t make sense to me, because when he and I were dating he told me he didn’t get lonely, he just didn’t “feel” it. It’s weird because when I was with him and he was being manipulative and abusive, he almost always told me what he was doing, but he always said, “But baby, it’s okay because we’re different. No one else is like us; we’re better than everyone; just trust me.”
Apart for six months
I can say simply that when I was with him he was emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive. He would always say, “You can’t rape the willing, and you know you’re always willing, don’t bother saying no, because I know that no means yes.” Mind games and everything. He would get me so confused and afraid that if I said no, he’d be angry, and if he was angry he would hit me. Or at least I was terrified that is what would happen, because he would always tell me that he was bigger and stronger…
I have a restraining order against him now. I am in therapy now. We have been apart for six months, but I am still so shocked from it all. It still hurts really bad. I was with a man who told me he loved me, but that was just so that I would keep playing his bitch, keep being his doll and keep being his slave.
Still Standing
ha, this is..well, it’s actually good to know.
last ime i was talking to my therapist i was askin questions i asked her if he could have been nice.
she told me that he was the worst he’d heardof in her 12 years of practice. she said tha she’d never heard of one as razy as him, she said he was up there with charles manson and jeffrey dahmir.
that’s..uh..thank GOD i got away. i actually feel powerful knowing how strong i am tha i got away )
Ox Drover
DEar STill Standing,
I am still foggy on what word you are trying to think of..psychpath?, sociopath? Narcissist? Anti-social personality disorder? Predator?
I’m glad you got away too Still Standing. The thing is that ANY of them can be “Charlie Manson” or any other horrible manifestation of the psychopathic frame of mind. I’m not sure why some have the desire to kill and some don’t seem to, or some have more “courage” (arrogance I think is a better word) to think they can get away with it. Even getting caught doesn’t seem to lessen their arrogance though.
I’m just glad you are away and safe at the very least. I’m also glad you are in therapy. Therapy can help us get our heads around this strange (to us) concept of something I don’t think we can ever really totally understand, but at least we can see how they ACT if not really how they think.
Still Standing
he hired an attorney to contest the permanent restraining order i have against him
i have to face him in court
i am so scared this.oh my god
he will make me look lke an idiot. no i will have my parents an the llaw on my side
he will play it off like he’s innocent and didn’t do anything wrong
i don’t know what to do i shouod oh my god
please help i never thought i’d be in this situatino maybe i madehim sound worse than he is maybe he really is just gonna go off quiet to something else
i know htat’ not true i think he’ll f with other ppl and just try and use other people oh my god..
alohatraveler
Still Standing,
Just state the facts in court.
He showed up at this place and that and his presence is unwanted.
He calls and leave harrassing voicemail messages.
Blah Blah.
Stay as calm at you can be and save the crying for afterward if you can. You want to look calm and rational. Let him be the one to get his hair up on end.
That’s the best I can do. I hope this is good advice. Let us know what happens in court.
Good lucky dear lady. :o)
Still Standing
hey thanks..
no he hasn’t been callingm ehe hasn’t been harassing me is the thing. but the thing i now is he believes in revenge. when i was withhim he would ‘get bac at ppl’ and the threat and the fear and i’m scared to deathof him because his personality is not stable
i know he’ll lie
i know he’ll deflect blame
but the judge will be able to see that right
my god im scared
Still Standing
and sociopaths do not feel remorse so he won’t feel sorry
right he’d feel angry that someone dared to act how well i did..?
it’s still confusing
Stargazer
Dear Still Standing,
I have read most of this thread, and I greatly admire your courage. I wanted to add my words of encouragement for your court appointment. As Aloha says, let the truth speak for itself. Judges see a lot of sociopaths in their courtroom, and they know a lot of their tricks. Take some deep breaths before going in and tell yourself you are strong enough to do this, because you are. You must be pretty strong to have dealt with the level of evil you described and live to tell the story.
Still Standing
thank you stargazer.
i know i’m strong and i know i can deal with this…
it’s just my ex is so unstable and SO good at lying through his teeth and convincing most everyone that HE is the one who is right…
it scares me.
i dont undertand why he wants to make a big deal out of it now, he never cared before.
bu,t, well a PERMANENT restraining order ooks real bad for hi
i feel bad and i know i shoudn’t but it’s still the brain washing from him to feel bad if i told anyone what he was doing.i’m still blind to some of it [hardly any at this point] but it scares me how deep his brainwashing and manipulation went…
Stargazer
You are right. It is the brainwashing. Feel the guilt, but do it anyway. It may help to have a written account of his actions in front of you in case you get distracted while on the stand. He may be a great actor. But you have the truth on your side. It is very likely that the judge has dealt with sociopaths before and will know the signs. Do you have anyone who can go with you and testify on your behalf?
Stargazer
BTW, though my story is not nearly as grueling as yours, I will never forget the last time I was with the sociopath I had fallen in love with. He told me that he needed me heart, soul, and body and that I was the most important person in his life. The next day, he stood me up without a phone call. When I contacted him, he blew me off. Two days later he wanted to “work things out” though he said he “had no excuse” for his behaviors. It was then that I saw a picture of him on our mutual website that he had just posted. He was wearing his wedding ring.
Though I did not stay with him long enough to experience some of the things you went through, I cannot tell you how devastating this mental cruelty was.