Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a 24-year-old woman, a graduate student.
He told me he was all I needed; he told me that he was the only person who cared. He told me my friends hated me because they were so mad at me because I got sick. He told me they were just all bitches like all of the other girls in the world. Like his ex-girlfriends, like his mother, like (me).
I had no idea that sociopaths existed. I thought that “sociopath” was only a word thrown about on TV, late night news, America’s Most Wanted.
My therapist told me that my ex-boyfriend is one of the worst sociopaths that she has heard about in her 12 years of practice.
Abuse starts slow
The abuse started out subtle; the control started out slow. He told me that I’d look cute if I just started dressing a little more suggestively. He told me that a slight heel (high heels) would do wonders for any girl’s appearance. “Didn’t I want to be the girl all of the other girls were jealous of?” He would tell me how to dress in order to make guys stare.
He would walk me down the street, hand around my neck, but whispering, “Babe, you look great. God, baby you’re my good thing; look at all of them watching; they think you’re so HOT.”
I now think they were wondering what was up because I was dressed like a whore and my ex boyfriend would ask random guys if they would pay me to provide sexual favors for them.
Controlled everything
I dated this man for two and a half years. He would control what I did, what I wore, what I ate, when I slept, how I slept, what I was required to wear to bed, what I could do in bed, IF I could move in bed ”¦ He wouldn’t let me move; he would get angry if I woke him up. He needed his sleep so he could “go out and make money the next day. You know you’re just a needy woman. You need me, the big strong man…”
And he’d laugh at me. He would ridicule me. He would make fun of me. He would laugh if I thought I was smart. He would laugh if I thought I could do something. He would introduce me to people as “the retard.” He would tell me not to talk—why would I bother? It wasn’t like I knew what I was saying anyway.
He would tie me up tell me it was sexy and that everyone else was doing it. He would punch me in the stomach, but he would tell me that he was seeing how tight my abs were. He would show me horrible, horrible movies about what women do when they’re hurt.
He showed me the movie Secretary, where the woman gets sad and then cuts herself, gets found out by her boss and her boss says something like no, don’t do that. And they proceed to have sex while her boss beats her butt with a wooden paddle. My ex would force me to have sex while slapping my butt and digging his hands into me, saying it was love.
Getting out
The list of scary things goes on longer than I want to remember right now. It got to the point that my parents were afraid. My ex-boyfriend was losing control, and I was stuck in the middle.
I would do anything for him, but then I did the one thing he forbade me to do. I got out. I realized that my parents didn’t hate me. I realized that my friends didn’t hate me, and I realized that I am stronger than he is and that I didn’t have to be his “good thing” anymore.
Then he told me that he made a huge mistake. He told me that he was “so sorry,” that it was normal to fly into insane rages when one loses something that he loved. He tried to get me back. I broke up with him. He stayed around for a few months trying all of this.
He convinced me that we could still be together if we were just “F” buddies, because I was the best girl for sex or at sex that he’d ever had. I know that is complete b.s. now, but at the time, when he told me I was the “only one” and “oh so special,” it worked to keep me around.
But, yeah, I mean there’s no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed with him, he would have convinced me to kill myself, or killed me himself. He would tell me to take pills. He said it was a way for me to show the world how “hurt” I was (all said in a condescending and convincing tone).
Anyways, there’s more, but yeah he tried to get me back. He tried telling me how heartbroken and lonely he was without me, which didn’t make sense to me, because when he and I were dating he told me he didn’t get lonely, he just didn’t “feel” it. It’s weird because when I was with him and he was being manipulative and abusive, he almost always told me what he was doing, but he always said, “But baby, it’s okay because we’re different. No one else is like us; we’re better than everyone; just trust me.”
Apart for six months
I can say simply that when I was with him he was emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive. He would always say, “You can’t rape the willing, and you know you’re always willing, don’t bother saying no, because I know that no means yes.” Mind games and everything. He would get me so confused and afraid that if I said no, he’d be angry, and if he was angry he would hit me. Or at least I was terrified that is what would happen, because he would always tell me that he was bigger and stronger…
I have a restraining order against him now. I am in therapy now. We have been apart for six months, but I am still so shocked from it all. It still hurts really bad. I was with a man who told me he loved me, but that was just so that I would keep playing his bitch, keep being his doll and keep being his slave.
Jen2008
Leslie asked if psychopaths were by nature sadistic. My ex-P was certainly sadistic. Their tendency towards sadism is mentioned in several books I have read. To me, the best one that explains in depth look at psychopaths and narcissim, and what motivates the psychopath (and why he is is sadistic) is “Violent Attachments” by J. Reid Meloy.
Ox Drover
Dear Still Standing,
I am sending my thoughts and prayers to you for this appearance, I know it will take all your strength but STAY CALM APPEARING. I know you won’t be calm but pretend you are ACTING a role on stage and if you are successful in the ACT you will get the PRIZE–the permanent restraining order.
((((hugs)))))
kat_o_nine_tales
Mine doesn’t seem sadistic but you should see the gleam in his eye when he gets his most beloved scenario going, ei two or three women fighting over him, he stands back and just soaks it up, trying to look innocent.
kat_o_nine_tales
From my last conversation, via IM, with my ex:
kchap38: every time I think about how we were last summer it boggles my mind that you could be so insincere
kchap38: you looked in my eyes
kchap38: and just… lied
crazymaninavon: i have no soul
hens
kat your under the spell of a mad man, don’t let him continue to do this – he is gone – save your self – one life one chance…snap out of it Kat – you know you are right – stop doubting yourself….
Beverly
Oh Henry, Im well pissed off. It was a year ago yesterday I finished with the demon, and Im really fed up.
takingmeback
Beverly,
I’m sorry you’re feeling fed up. But I’m glad you’re fed up, in a way, as you know the truth now and can take good care of yourself. I encourage you to think of all you’ve learned and how that has made you stronger. All the ways you’ve helped us here on LF and made us stronger by sharing your experience and insights and support. We are the ones that come out on top in the end. We are the stronger and wiser.
Demons do exist out there in flesh in blood. But we’ve been freed. Thank God. I encourage you to rejoice for what you have and all that you’re capable of having. Things you’d never have with them. Things they robbed you of and the things you’ve taken back. When I get caught up in anger or sorrow for what happened, I sometimes start listing what I want back. What was taken from me. I also list what I’ve gotten back that he couldn’t rob me of forever. The most important thing….me. I took me back and I took back my joy, peace, sense of humor, stability, etc. I refused to give him control over me and now when thoughts come they’re thoughts. I note them and they pass.
Being triggered is a bit of a different story as I experienced this two weeks ago. Not the triggers we’re accustomed to geting regularly. It’s been a awhile and the trigger hit me hard. But it lasted for a short time and the next day I was back on my feet. Now I’m starting to learn better ways to handle them and how to take care of myself so I’m not so vulnerable to more (like getting enough rest, eating well, etc.). All in all, I’m changing to live a healthier lifestyle and learning how to better manage stress in general. Can’t get mad about that. I have benefitted from everything I’ve had to deal and that’s how I choose to see it. Otherwise, I miss the lessons I learned and the strenght I’ve gained along the way. Strength I’ve watched you gain as well.
Giving yourself permission to be upset is good. Get it out. Just don’t let it go on too long and get you sucked back in too far. Sending happy thoughts your way :))
takingmeback
Still Standing,
I’m sorry you have to face him while you’re still feeing so fragile. I wish they could put a bag over his head and muffle his voice so you don’t have to see or hear him.
As others have said, you have the facts and the truth. Despite what he has or hasn’t done in awhile, the facts of what he did to you are strong. He coerced you into things by fear and manipulation. He was extremely abusive towards you and threatened you with what he said. He tried to convince you to kill yourself amongst all the dreadful things he did. My ex did that too. He didn’t say it, he just led me to the edge and nudged me over one day. He had plenty of opportunity to help me or to alert someone to what was happening. Lucky for me something broke my fall and I’m still here today. Still here to hear him later tell me I was trying to make him homicidal. Ugh! How absurd!
You’re gone through so much. My heart goes out to you and I know even when you don’t feel like it, you are strong. He used fear to immobilize you. But you broke free. Let your fear be a catalist to fight for your safety in court. Don’t let it cause you to worry or stumble over what he’s capable of. Realize how much more you’re capable of than he. Use that fear to fuel your assertiveness and as Oxy said, act fearless if you have to. You can get through this and you have a big support network behind you. Please keep telling yourself this!
Ox Drover
Dear Bev ((((Bev))))
Sometimes anniversaries do that –but like a good friend of mine says “better to be pi$$ed OFF, than pi$$ed ON” and you know, he isn’t able to Pee on you any more! So CELEBRATE the moment! I don’t doubt that it has been a tough year for you, but at the same time, I have NO DOUBTS what a strong person you are to have come so far! Go out and celebrate! Have a “freedom party.” (((Hugs))))
Still Standing
thank you both.
I know that I can do this i am just terrified of what he’s going to say..
but, he WANTED me scared and HAD me scared and that’s messed up my life enough so now this is just a um..
minor hassle?
yeah i know it’s more than that but i can’t worry as much as i have been.
I think Im going to write down everything i can remember..
oh i don’t think i’ll have to hear him talk which is good cuz it’s just going to be bothof our lawyers talking..
i hate this i do NOT want to let myself feel bad for him cuz he’s such an ass…ijust don’t want to fall soft or whatever if that makes sense.
i hate this i’m not going to…just agh
anyways thank u again this is reassuring..
i don’t go to court til sept. 9th so..woo i got awhile heh
take care