Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a 24-year-old woman, a graduate student.
He told me he was all I needed; he told me that he was the only person who cared. He told me my friends hated me because they were so mad at me because I got sick. He told me they were just all bitches like all of the other girls in the world. Like his ex-girlfriends, like his mother, like (me).
I had no idea that sociopaths existed. I thought that “sociopath” was only a word thrown about on TV, late night news, America’s Most Wanted.
My therapist told me that my ex-boyfriend is one of the worst sociopaths that she has heard about in her 12 years of practice.
Abuse starts slow
The abuse started out subtle; the control started out slow. He told me that I’d look cute if I just started dressing a little more suggestively. He told me that a slight heel (high heels) would do wonders for any girl’s appearance. “Didn’t I want to be the girl all of the other girls were jealous of?” He would tell me how to dress in order to make guys stare.
He would walk me down the street, hand around my neck, but whispering, “Babe, you look great. God, baby you’re my good thing; look at all of them watching; they think you’re so HOT.”
I now think they were wondering what was up because I was dressed like a whore and my ex boyfriend would ask random guys if they would pay me to provide sexual favors for them.
Controlled everything
I dated this man for two and a half years. He would control what I did, what I wore, what I ate, when I slept, how I slept, what I was required to wear to bed, what I could do in bed, IF I could move in bed ”¦ He wouldn’t let me move; he would get angry if I woke him up. He needed his sleep so he could “go out and make money the next day. You know you’re just a needy woman. You need me, the big strong man…”
And he’d laugh at me. He would ridicule me. He would make fun of me. He would laugh if I thought I was smart. He would laugh if I thought I could do something. He would introduce me to people as “the retard.” He would tell me not to talk—why would I bother? It wasn’t like I knew what I was saying anyway.
He would tie me up tell me it was sexy and that everyone else was doing it. He would punch me in the stomach, but he would tell me that he was seeing how tight my abs were. He would show me horrible, horrible movies about what women do when they’re hurt.
He showed me the movie Secretary, where the woman gets sad and then cuts herself, gets found out by her boss and her boss says something like no, don’t do that. And they proceed to have sex while her boss beats her butt with a wooden paddle. My ex would force me to have sex while slapping my butt and digging his hands into me, saying it was love.
Getting out
The list of scary things goes on longer than I want to remember right now. It got to the point that my parents were afraid. My ex-boyfriend was losing control, and I was stuck in the middle.
I would do anything for him, but then I did the one thing he forbade me to do. I got out. I realized that my parents didn’t hate me. I realized that my friends didn’t hate me, and I realized that I am stronger than he is and that I didn’t have to be his “good thing” anymore.
Then he told me that he made a huge mistake. He told me that he was “so sorry,” that it was normal to fly into insane rages when one loses something that he loved. He tried to get me back. I broke up with him. He stayed around for a few months trying all of this.
He convinced me that we could still be together if we were just “F” buddies, because I was the best girl for sex or at sex that he’d ever had. I know that is complete b.s. now, but at the time, when he told me I was the “only one” and “oh so special,” it worked to keep me around.
But, yeah, I mean there’s no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed with him, he would have convinced me to kill myself, or killed me himself. He would tell me to take pills. He said it was a way for me to show the world how “hurt” I was (all said in a condescending and convincing tone).
Anyways, there’s more, but yeah he tried to get me back. He tried telling me how heartbroken and lonely he was without me, which didn’t make sense to me, because when he and I were dating he told me he didn’t get lonely, he just didn’t “feel” it. It’s weird because when I was with him and he was being manipulative and abusive, he almost always told me what he was doing, but he always said, “But baby, it’s okay because we’re different. No one else is like us; we’re better than everyone; just trust me.”
Apart for six months
I can say simply that when I was with him he was emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive. He would always say, “You can’t rape the willing, and you know you’re always willing, don’t bother saying no, because I know that no means yes.” Mind games and everything. He would get me so confused and afraid that if I said no, he’d be angry, and if he was angry he would hit me. Or at least I was terrified that is what would happen, because he would always tell me that he was bigger and stronger…
I have a restraining order against him now. I am in therapy now. We have been apart for six months, but I am still so shocked from it all. It still hurts really bad. I was with a man who told me he loved me, but that was just so that I would keep playing his bitch, keep being his doll and keep being his slave.
Thank you, OxD (again, I’m using your new hip-hop name LOL). Your words have been such a comfort to me. I hope no one minds me venting about this a bit more. I feel that I am so much more than a massage therapist to her, and probably the person she trusts the most. I don’t know why but it means something to me to be able to make a difference in her life.
I know this empathic side of me (which many people here seem to have) is what drew the sociopath to me and what kept me hanging on for so long. It’s a double-edged sword. They seem to prey on healer types. Am I correct in this?
LIG…I just have to say it…TOWANDA!
How goes it Oxy? You mentioned that there are different types of love. Let’s see if I can remember this sunday school lesson from soooo long ago. There’s….
Phileo (brotherly love)
Eros (romanitc love)
Agape (unconditional love)
….um…. I don’t remember anything about selfish love. Oh yeah. That’s because love is SELFLESS! Selflessness= THE ACT of sacrificing ones own interest for the greater good (thanks Wikipedia). Yep, like, LIG wrote, it is a verb! I said to the ex, which I’ve said before to people, words are meaningless without actions that back them up!!!
Takingmeback,
I didn’t see your post, but thank you too for all of your wisdom and support. This site is like a beacon of light.
DEar Stargazer,
Yes, I think they do prey on the “caring” types, because we give and want to help, sometimes we also go to far and try to “fix” problems for other people, or even “fix” them and a friend of mine who is a lovely and bright lady, VERY smart, said to me today in an e mail that “I kept thinking that if I just ignored his mean acts that he would see how good I was and love me for that.” Yea, RIGHT!
Because TOUCH is a POWERFUL thing, people who touch clients, from hairdressers, doctors, nurses, physical and massage therapists interact I think on a more personal level with many of our patients/clients and they are comfortable many times enough to talk to us and ask for advice etc. or even make passes.
In maintaining a PROFESSIONAL DISTANCE (setting boundaries) we do our best work. We can give to them without letting them overstep the boundaries between client/and personal friendship. Sure, we can be “friendly” but seldom is becoming a “friend” where you share your own personal story with these people a good idea.
In all the years of nursing, I have been “friendly” with my patients, and frequently see them just about anywhere I go to a public meeting or a large store. But only once have I become FRIENDS with any person who was a patient or had a family member who was a patient. She is now my best friend for 20+ yrs but it was only after her son left the hospital that we became friends. Her son is paralyzed from the neck down, and she and her husband were both working. I would keep him on the weekends sometimes to let her and her husband have some time. They couldn’t afford to pay much and it takes a specially trained caregiver/nurse to care for a 6 ‘ 5″ quadrapalegic who weighs 205 pounds as they are difficult to move, and have special problems that can cause a stroke or death without many if any previous signs if those problems are not detected. I couldn’t lift and transfer him by myself but my boys helped and became friends with him, and that’s how the friendship part started.
Some of my friends also came to me as a health care provider, but even sometimes that is not a good idea as you tend to lose your objectivity when you are intimate friends with someone who is also your patient. I was also my husband’s health care provider, but also sent him to other specialists as needed. I over saw my dad’s health care as well. So there are some pit falls to that too. I tried to keep a “professional” distance as much as I could but it’s not completely possible.
Anyway, the point of all this is that when you are intimate friends with your clients it can make it difficult, especially if they do not respect your boundaries and you may need to send them to someone else for services.
MY psychiatrist is actually a friend of mine that I met at work, but where my medical care is concerned she keeps a professional distance and I appreciate that. It coudn’t work otherwise. Good luck with this client. Boundaries are good.
Stargazer,
You’re welcome! I love Oxy’s hip-hop name OxD! LOL
You are right about the healer question. I know it sounds very freudian but it felt to me that my ex wanted me to be his mother. He wanted the love, nurturing and selfless giving of a mother. He wanted the constant attention as well. If you think about it, mothers don’t ask their children to meet their needs. Their role is to meet the child’s needs.
However, my ex only wanted part of the mothering. He didn’t want the guidance part and teaching of a mother. He is very narcissistic. I’ve seen the same in my N father who expects my mother to do everything for him. He expected the same of my sister and I as we are but mere extensions of him in his eyes. He had a hard lesson to learn in that area if he’s learned it at all. But the focus has always been on my mother to cater to his every whim.
I cried to my mother recently that I was sad for the times that I wanted to spend with her but my father is so physically ill that she is his round-the-clock caregiver. In order to see her, I often must see him. When I’m feeling really vulnerable I won’t go near him. But I know she loves me and I get to see her here and there alone and then with the whole family when I’m up to it. But I did share with her that before my father’s illness this was nothing new. He can’t handle her being too far from him for too long. It’s a shame. I don’t know how she’s dealt with it for so long. I’ve seen her change over the years. Some good, some bad. My father’s illness is an advantage for us I guess. It’s prevented him from being as abusive as he used to be in ways as he can’t risk my mother walking out on him again. He’s too physically dependent now.
OK, I went off on a tangent! LOL. That’s my take on why they target us healers and rescuers. We’re selfless and loving and kind. We’re awesome! Here is comes LIF, wherever you are,…TOWANDA!
OK, that would be LIG…saw it the moment I hit “post”! LOL
Yea, that’s me 61 year old PURE HIP HOP!!!!! ROTFLMAO LOL LOL
That’s so right about them wanting us to “meet their needs” like a mother or a servant, without any EFFORT on their part, we are supposed to supply them with companionship, adoration, sometimes sex, of course depending on the relationship, entertainment and valet or maid.
During the time my step father was critically ill and dying, and my mother was also ill at the same time, I DID meet their needs for care, some personally, and some overseeing hired household help, and home care health workers. I did more of the assessments and referrals to physicians etc. but when no other help was there, I did whatever was needed from grocery shopping to wound dressing changes, bathroom trips, etc.
After my dad’s death and my mom’s recovery, she had come to expect my availability 24/7 no matter what MY needs for healing or business were. She wanted what she wanted and she wanted it WHEN she wanted it—HOP TO NOW! When I tried to set a boundary on her that it was OK for her to ask me to do something, but it was OK for me to say “No” she would not accept this and became very angry and hateful.
That left the perfect opportunity for the Ps to move in and turn me into the “neglectful daughter” and offer to be her “caregivers” in my place—for a PRICE of course. $$$$$
The problem was, they wanted the money but resented what they had to do to get it—put up with her 24/7. LOL
In the end, though, NC is far superior to dealing with her over my P son and her enabling. The whole episode turned out to be a benefit to no only me but to my son C as well as his X-wife is now out of his life and our family’s as well, and son C is out of the FOG! Thank you Jesus!!!!!!
The problem too is that the Ns and Ps not only hurt us, but others in our spheres and the collateral damage of destroying other relationships can often be severe. I am just so glad that my son C and my relationship is restored. It has not been the same since he married the P and I am so glad to have my son back. Even though he lives 8 hrs away we are CLOSER than when we lived “next door” here on the farm.
The Ps thought they had it all figured out and that there were “more of them, they were more determined and they were smarter” (quote from my P-son’s letter to the Trojan Horse P) TOWANDA!!!! TOWANDA!!!! AGAIN!!!!!
Don’t worry, takingmeback! I’m thinking of a good hiphop name for you as I type…..
StarG (lol)
Wow OxD. That’s right TOWANDA! If I didn’t think he’d use it to make himself “look” like a nice guy, I’d love to tell my S that life after him has taught me to be stronger and wiser and to love even more! TOWANDA! But it hasn’t taught me to pity him so he’ll never get the PRIVILEGE of hearing my lovely voice saying ANYTHING to him AGAIN!
I’m so thankful your relationship with your son C has become stronger. Sometimes I feel alone having gone through all this without anyone close enough to see or experience any of the Mr. Hyde to understand. But I’ve been here, in a similar situation before, with someone else from my past. An old college roommate treated me very much like my ex did when we lived together our last semester at school. No one got it and no one saw how she treated me in private.
I moved away after school and lost all ties with the group of friends we had in common. Years later I found myself living close to them once again and we all got together. My ex-roommate slipped and snapped at me as she used to. Completely out of the blue and completely unjustitied. One of my friends, who was present at the time, apologized to me later. She said that must have been how she treated me while we were in school and she apologized that she didn’t get it. She said she had no idea that my ex-roommate “could” behave so badly. She was always so sweet and fun towards everyone else.
I lost friends and had a miserable last semester in college but I moved on and took the losses. I was not going to be treated that way anymore. Thanks to an overindulgence in alcohol during our senior trip, I spent the last night in Myrtle Beach telling her and some other “friends” what I thought of them LOL. Yes, a nice drunken rant in from of my peers. Did I mention that I went to a private Christian school? LOL Oh life is funny sometimes!
It was redeeming to hear my true friend apologize although I didn’t blame her. She has always been kind to me and will always be my friend. Is it surprising to hear that my ex-roommate was the one who got me together with my ex? They were the closest in college and she was sooooo excited that he took interest in me and that I reciprocated.
My friend who apologized asked me awhile ago if my ex-roommate, who knows what happened to me, has ever called to see how I’m doing. No. She also noted that my ex-roommate never talks about anything “emotional”. She said there’s a disconnect there. Her comments just emphasized what was already on my mind. My ex-roommate and ex-boyfriend are birds of a feather.
The comment that lead to my ex-roommate snapping at me was that I was so needy that last semester in college. First of all, I was in Philly and returned to main campus (snooze-ville) to spend the last semester with her as she had requested. I had been away studying at a sister university for a year. I was not needy but I was disappointed that she ignored me while I was there. Second, when I met her , a couple of years earlier, she said she had just experienced a sexual assault and was cutting and very depressed. I was there to support her and that is how our “friendship” began. Was she not needy then?
I pointed this out to her later and told her how much her words hurt me. She seemed to have taken that OK. A couple of months later we were having a “mini-reunion” at my ex’s house consisting of the three of us which was an idea she had drummed up to get us all together. Nice, eh? Sometimes the “coincidences” in life don’t seem so “coincidental” when I look back on them.
Moral to the story…she’s no longer in my life. I’ve said nothing to her, she’s not called or written to see how I’m doing and I hope she never does. She could be talking with the ex as far as I know. But she makes me sick because she says she’s a Christian and she’s very involved in her church leading bible studies and all. I’ve known her and her family for a long time and the signs are all there. Her mother, God rest her soul, called me while at school that last semester to ask me why her daughter was her so horribly. I guesed that she was just having a hard time with the idea of saying goodbye to everyone. Only she wasn’t treating everyone horribly. My ex-roommate found out about that call and probably never forgave me for it. Her mother passed away from breast cancer a few years ago. I did the Avon Walk (the 39-miler) last year in her honor. She was a wonderfu woman with a huge heart. Her husband….a total N. Her daughter….another N. I can’t imagine what her life was like.
Ok, I’ve gone down memory lane long enough. Time to get moving LOL. Glad to hear great things have come from your adversity OxD! After what you and son C have experienced, I bet your ties have been strengthened 100 fold!
Where you pointed out that your “ex-roommate” was nasty only to you and “nice” to others, that seems to be another page out of the N & P handbook…they can be very selective about who they are nasty to. My mom has done some really horrible rages, but ONLY to me, and even then, very seldom in view of anyone, even other family members.
They seem to pick “scapegoats” out of their family or their associates and to concentrate their venom on those “nearest and dearest”—-frankly I think beecause most others would not tolerate it the way we, the “nearest and dearest” do. It also allows them to make US look like the “crazy” one because everyone else thinks how “nice” they are, what we are saying “couldn’t possibly be the truth.”
I’m glad you did the Avon walk in that lady’s honor, but I have to tell you, though I am in pretty good shape for my age, I wouldn’t walk 39 miiles in order to get a gold bar the size of my big truck! LOL I might ride a horse that far or a donkey, but not WALK—but good for YOU. LOL