Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a 24-year-old woman, a graduate student.
He told me he was all I needed; he told me that he was the only person who cared. He told me my friends hated me because they were so mad at me because I got sick. He told me they were just all bitches like all of the other girls in the world. Like his ex-girlfriends, like his mother, like (me).
I had no idea that sociopaths existed. I thought that “sociopath” was only a word thrown about on TV, late night news, America’s Most Wanted.
My therapist told me that my ex-boyfriend is one of the worst sociopaths that she has heard about in her 12 years of practice.
Abuse starts slow
The abuse started out subtle; the control started out slow. He told me that I’d look cute if I just started dressing a little more suggestively. He told me that a slight heel (high heels) would do wonders for any girl’s appearance. “Didn’t I want to be the girl all of the other girls were jealous of?” He would tell me how to dress in order to make guys stare.
He would walk me down the street, hand around my neck, but whispering, “Babe, you look great. God, baby you’re my good thing; look at all of them watching; they think you’re so HOT.”
I now think they were wondering what was up because I was dressed like a whore and my ex boyfriend would ask random guys if they would pay me to provide sexual favors for them.
Controlled everything
I dated this man for two and a half years. He would control what I did, what I wore, what I ate, when I slept, how I slept, what I was required to wear to bed, what I could do in bed, IF I could move in bed ”¦ He wouldn’t let me move; he would get angry if I woke him up. He needed his sleep so he could “go out and make money the next day. You know you’re just a needy woman. You need me, the big strong man…”
And he’d laugh at me. He would ridicule me. He would make fun of me. He would laugh if I thought I was smart. He would laugh if I thought I could do something. He would introduce me to people as “the retard.” He would tell me not to talk—why would I bother? It wasn’t like I knew what I was saying anyway.
He would tie me up tell me it was sexy and that everyone else was doing it. He would punch me in the stomach, but he would tell me that he was seeing how tight my abs were. He would show me horrible, horrible movies about what women do when they’re hurt.
He showed me the movie Secretary, where the woman gets sad and then cuts herself, gets found out by her boss and her boss says something like no, don’t do that. And they proceed to have sex while her boss beats her butt with a wooden paddle. My ex would force me to have sex while slapping my butt and digging his hands into me, saying it was love.
Getting out
The list of scary things goes on longer than I want to remember right now. It got to the point that my parents were afraid. My ex-boyfriend was losing control, and I was stuck in the middle.
I would do anything for him, but then I did the one thing he forbade me to do. I got out. I realized that my parents didn’t hate me. I realized that my friends didn’t hate me, and I realized that I am stronger than he is and that I didn’t have to be his “good thing” anymore.
Then he told me that he made a huge mistake. He told me that he was “so sorry,” that it was normal to fly into insane rages when one loses something that he loved. He tried to get me back. I broke up with him. He stayed around for a few months trying all of this.
He convinced me that we could still be together if we were just “F” buddies, because I was the best girl for sex or at sex that he’d ever had. I know that is complete b.s. now, but at the time, when he told me I was the “only one” and “oh so special,” it worked to keep me around.
But, yeah, I mean there’s no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed with him, he would have convinced me to kill myself, or killed me himself. He would tell me to take pills. He said it was a way for me to show the world how “hurt” I was (all said in a condescending and convincing tone).
Anyways, there’s more, but yeah he tried to get me back. He tried telling me how heartbroken and lonely he was without me, which didn’t make sense to me, because when he and I were dating he told me he didn’t get lonely, he just didn’t “feel” it. It’s weird because when I was with him and he was being manipulative and abusive, he almost always told me what he was doing, but he always said, “But baby, it’s okay because we’re different. No one else is like us; we’re better than everyone; just trust me.”
Apart for six months
I can say simply that when I was with him he was emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive. He would always say, “You can’t rape the willing, and you know you’re always willing, don’t bother saying no, because I know that no means yes.” Mind games and everything. He would get me so confused and afraid that if I said no, he’d be angry, and if he was angry he would hit me. Or at least I was terrified that is what would happen, because he would always tell me that he was bigger and stronger…
I have a restraining order against him now. I am in therapy now. We have been apart for six months, but I am still so shocked from it all. It still hurts really bad. I was with a man who told me he loved me, but that was just so that I would keep playing his bitch, keep being his doll and keep being his slave.
LOL Oh Oxy I love ya! I trained hard for that walk and took it on as a challenge. Raised some good money for a good cause and it helped me get into shape. It was hard but I truly enjoyed it.
My ex, the N that he is, met me there on day #2 after threatening to not come at all because he was busy. I had been lookig forward to seeing him as it had been weeks since we had last gotten together. He road his bike and met me at the rest stations. Then he walked the last 2 miles to the finish with me and my friends. Oh, how valiant. What a great b/f I thought.
Nah, looking back at it I remember that as far as I was walking he sat on his big, fat you-know-what while I stood in line to get our lunches. He wasn’t filling up my water bottles or going out of his way for me at all. Walking those last 2 miles wasn’t a great thing either. It was all for show. It was my experience anyhow and no one else’s family members walked the end with them. I thought I was so special LOL. I didn’t even realize any of this back then. I was just so glad to see him and so disillusioned.
Then I went home to pack up to spend a week recuperating at his house. I was a bit hurt that as tired and aching sore that I was that he went straight home and didn’t help me. I guess I wouldn’t have done that. But I’m a giver LOL. I support the one’s I love. If only I knew then what I was going to experience over that week…ah…hindsight.
We both signed up back then to do the walk this year. Needless to say neither of us did it. I wanted to do it so what happened would not taint my memory of the great weekend I had last year and my achievement of walking 39 miles and not getting one blister LOL. I also didn’t want those memories to stop me from doing something good for a good cause. But the trigger was just too painful. I’m still donating money to the cause when I can. I don’t think I’ll do the walk again but there’s plenty other things I can do instead.
About the scapegoats, I read somewhere that N parents will “choose” the “sensitive” child for that role. Actually single them out or target them however you want to look at it. Horrible isn’t it? As for scapegoats, in general, I make a point once I get a thorough history and often after meeting my client’s family members, to let them know what it means to be the IP (identified patient as others many not know what that means). To tell someone that they are the person in the family who’s symptoms are showing the dysfunction of the system is so liberating. Helps one to break out of that reinforced scapegoat role. To tell someone, who’s often the only one willing to seek treatment , that they’re actually the healthier one gets me many a startled look LOL. But the calm that settles behind their eyes is a gift to see. They often sit back and ponder it for moment. Then I see that first glimmer, just a speck of light start to shine in their eyes. In time the brightness makes their eyes just gleam and their whole demeanor just perks up. It’s one of those little gems I receive in being a therapist. Watching people grow and learn and “get it”. I wouldn’t pass it up for anything.
Oh, and a final thought LOL. I have had others tell me that people have targeted me at times (like my sister and co-workers, etc.) out of jealousy. I am the least narcissitic person I know so this has always been hard to swallow. But I do know that being a strong woman and being self-confident has caused me grief with people who will take up in opposition against me for no reason. It ‘s like if I get along with well with everyone and take any attention off or appear any more knowledgable than them, the hair raises on the back on their necks. It’s sad that people don’t look at the assets we all have and work together for the good of it. We all have different functions and together we can do so much. Yet there’s always that one “cancer” trying to permeate the whole and cause it to collapse. The wisdom is in knowing how to deal with them. It’s like interpersonal chemo LOL. OK, that’s not funny. I know cancer is no laughing matter. But you get the gist :))
hmmmm ….
my s/p may have met his match this time. he emailed me to let me know that he never would have left me if i hadn’t gotten so angry when he confessed that he was cheating and his new girlfriend was pregnant. “i would have stayed with you too, because i love you.” then “i thought you loved me unconditionally!” then “but she’s better for me anyway because we’re exactly alike, she thinks and acts just like i do, and she is GORGEOUS and has MAD STYLE!!” LMAO.
so, if she’s a s/p too … how might THAT play out!?!
hopefully, they’ll both implode and disintegrate under the weight of the cumulative drama and exponential LIES.
TOWANDA!!!!!!!
Lostingrief, I laughed when I read your post. That is so typical of them, it is YOUR fault he left you because you dared to have a reaction to him getting some other woman pregnant, yet he tells you “loves you”, BUT she is sooo much better than you and WHY. Enough to make you wanna puke. I laughed because when my ex and I first split, my biggest fantasy was that my ex-P would get involved with a female P who was bigger, badder, more clever than him and who would somehow screw him over.
jen: LOL!
it was ALSO my fault that he was with her at all because i was “criticizing (him) all the time.” actually, the more i think of how absurd he is, the better i feel and the farther i want to be away from him … in every way!
if she is a s/p, they deserve eachother. i hope she destroys him.
one strong way he controlled me was to tell me that ”no one wants you … i don’t even want you” and ”you know i’m out of your league physically, so you should LET me be with other girls — at least you get to have THIS too.” no, i kid you not.
he sure can’t say that to her. and, i always thought he was joking.
sure it shrank my self-esteem, but i never paid huge attention to it. i mean, let’s face it, i can’t compete (nor do i care to) with his new 25 yr old gf — i’m 50, for chrissakes! just goes to show how shallow the jerk is. i always thought it was charming. now it just makes me sick. good riddance.
TOWANDA!!!!!
Wow, lostingrief. He actually said that to you? OMG. Mine at least had the intelligence to apologize every time he hurt me and accept that I was angry. (That made him seem very human to me). But it turned out to be all an act, which was very confusing at the time. Yours is pretty out there with his craziness. What a nut case!!!! Thank God you are away from him. Sooner or later, the new gf will find out too.
About the massage client I mentioned earlier, she has been a good reliable client. She prepays for 10 sessions and shows up every week. This has been a reliable source of income for me. But she constantly oversteps boundaries. Every time I set a boundary and get her to respect it, she will find a new one to cross. I have decided not to give her any more massages after this set is finished. However, if she is willing to receive feedback, I will have a discussion with her about her behaviors. I do care about her as a person and think that she really wants to change (she knows she is narcissistic) but has never trusted anyone enough to work through some of these things with. It’s very sad to me to have a year-long relationship with someone and watch them destroy it due to their dysfunction. But I refuse to allow people into my life that cannot respect my needs or feelings. Period. I have had to distance myself from my remaining family members (mother and sister) because of it. Though I miss them terribly (or who I wish they could be in my fantasies), I fare much better without their abuse.
Dear Stargazer,
An N is not going to receive feedback in a constructive manner, though sometimes they will pretend to, it will enrage them. That problem with finding new boundaries to cross is a constant hassle with these people and I have found that it is like “raising a teenager”—you block one problem and a new one crops us as they find another boundary to push.
I don’t have any “teenagers” now (THANK YOU JESUS!) and I am not interested in “adopting” more–either in real age or Narcissistic “bent.” The constant setting and resetting boundaires and always being on guard against these people just keeps them from being “worth it” in my life. Iknow that when your income depends on dealing with the public you have to sort of put up with some of this stuff, but when the line is crossed between “client” and “friend” it makes it very difficult to not let it squish over into your personal life, especially if you are in a profession that deals with “professional intimacy.” The trick is to KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL and DISTINT and DISTINCT from “friends.” Sometimes these people can be so “charming” (at FIRST) that you think you might actually like to take it to a “friendship” level with them, but that is risky and you pick up some Ns along the way, or worse yet, Ps. Good luck with this woman, I’m sorry you’ve been having problems with her. There is just no “way to win” with an N or a P.
star: well, he’s a s/p AND a malignant narcissist.
it’s a miracle i’m still on my feet!!
having known him for 25 years makes it all the more bizarre. we were always close, best friends, lovers … to watch him destroy the entire thing in one fell swoop is incredible to me.
who is worse? s/p or N?
after reading about both, i don’t want to ever meet either one again … ever!
Dear LIG,
The N and the P (S) are essentially the same thing, it is just a matter of degree. Either of them can be dangerous in the right circumstances. They are alll TOXIC to relationships so it is “six of one and a half dozen of the other”—whatever you want to call them, TOXIC is the best description.
OxD,
Fortunately, this client is much easier to read than the P was. I think she does have a shred of empathy. I have given her this one opportunity to hear me out, but I doubt she will want to anyway. I so wish I were in the position to just refund her money but I’m not, so I’m stuck with her for 4 more sessions. I feel she is reaching out to me for help and was put in my path for a reason. Reaching out to her this one time just seems like the right thing to do–not as a massage therapist or even as a friend (I never considered her a friend), but as a person. I don’t know if she will have the capacity to respond or not. I realize this empathy is why I attract these types, but I do not seem to be able to change my own nature.
I had the role of the therapist in my family growing up, and when I got to college I was the dorm “Dear Abby”. When I went to grad school to study counseling, I knew I’d chosen the right field. But I started meditating, and my ugly past and all the abuse issues reared their heads. Miraculously, I healed so much of the abuse issues at the long retreats. But it seemed to open up Pandora’s box and set into motion many years of a “dark night of the soul”, full of depression, self-doubt, poverty, and anxiety, lack of identity…etc. The last few years I have been feeling much better about myself and was in a really good place when I met the P. (So apparently, I still have losts more stuff to deal with.)
I dropped out of grad school feeling like I would be useless as a counselor with so many of my own issues, even though my professors and supervisors told me I was the brightest student and best counselor in the class. They begged me to stay, but I dropped out anyway. The precipitating factor was my sister telling me in a phone conversation that I was screwed up and could never help anyone. (My sister is no longer in my life BTW). After that, I had zero confidence in myself. So I did other things and ignored my calling for 20 years! 20 years later I’m feeling drawn to doing healing work again. Doing massage is great, but it doesn’t always address when someone’s psyche is broken. I want to do more for people, and I believe this is part of my own healing, to give back to others who had an abusive past. I hope I can discern who is truly unhelpable (N’s and S’s) and who just has never had someone in their lives they can trust.
I have told this story to very few people. It’s amazing what a safe atmosphere this is.
Dear Stargazer,
Yes, it is a safe atmosphere here.
I’ve been in several different areas of work from wild life photographer to farmer, but my professional life was as a registered nurse practitioner (now called Advanced Practice Nurse) and worked in several specialties within that nursing career. Now, I’m retired since my husband died four years ago in a plane crash here at our small airport on our farm.
Most of that time I have spent dealing with one crisis or another, mostly related to Ps and deaths within our family and close friends (one former foster chld by suicide) so I’ve sort of had my “hands full” physically, emotionally and mentally. I’m starting finally to come to some areas that I needed to work on from past issues too.
Sometimes when we concentrate on helping others (which I have always done) we NEGLECT our won healing. God knows I have done that too. I have spent all my energy trying to help others and NONE on myself. I realize too now that I “distracted” myself from my own pain (working on yourself can be painful) by focusing on “fixing” or “helping” others.
Focusing ALL of my energy on dealing with my own issues, my own problems and renewing both my body and my spirit has been my total focus now for over a year and even though I am occasionallly branching out to do things for others, I am very careful how much, and when. That may sound “selfish” but it works out to self preservation.
If I am NOT WHOLE, how can I help others? I blogg here, and have for some time, and people have told me that my insights are helpful to them, but you know, in the blogging, I am HELPING MYSELF more than I help anyone else, that’s why I stay. I see new insights into my own thinking as I type and think. I continue to study and to learn, to read and to think. To become more aware of my own feelings.
I have no siblings from my mother’s side, I am her only child, but I realized a while back that she is a TOXIC enabler, and that my whole life I have tired unsuccessfully to please her. The relationship I had with her that I “thought” was “so good” was ANYTHING but good, it was TOXIC and when I “rebelled” against her control, I SAW IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that she cared not ONE WHIT for me unless I “played the family game” of “Let’s just pretend none of this (nasty, hateful, abusive behavior) ever happened.”
Welll IT DID HAPPEN. I was totally discarded in favor of my P son, my P-now X DIL and the Trojan HOrse Psychopath that had invaded our family for the purpose of destroying it as a proxy for my P-son who is in prison. My mother has apparently NO remorse for this discarding of me, no concept of the wrongness of it, or that I was “hurt” in any way.
I can no longer “pretend” that she did not do this to me, as in the past I have “pretended” that she hadn’t hurt me, and that she was an honorable and good person. She’s neither. Yet, to the community, her church, and her friends she is “miss sweetness and light” but to me she is a MONSTER of rage and control.
My PTSD is pretty bad from the plane crash, and that is one reason I retired, but also I realized that I was not able to take care of others while I was in a mess myself. Since my job entailed taking other’s lives into my hands, I didn’t think it was wise for me to continue to practice. I’m glad I retired, though I do miss the money and living on a fixed income now with rapidly rising prices is “pinching” some, I am glad that I did retire and concentrate on ME, my healing, my needs and my life.
I’m learning to set boundaries and to take care of myself first FIRST for the first time in my life. I got to the point that I had given away ALL of myself, there was nothing left to do. I had to take care of me or DIE. I chose to LIVE.
Jesus said in the Bible to take the log out of your own eye before you try to take the splinter out of your own. I know that he was speaking of hypocrits in that, but it also applies, I think to those of us who have huge burdens and instead of taking care of ourselves, we try to help someone else with a smaller problem and ignore our own huge burdens. Right now, I am finally crawling out from under the huge weight that was on my back. I felt like a little donkey with a ton of lead in a pack. I was layed out on the floor with all four legs out in all directions and there was no way I could get up, much less carry that load no matter how I tried. I remember telling my P-son that in a letter and begging him to quit piling more lead onto my back (forget the straw that broke the camel’s back!) and he wrote me back and said “You’re JUST NOT TRYING, GET UP!” LOL
I felt like there I was, totally broken down under the burden of the weight of the world and he was kicking me like a balky horse saying “get up! get up! You lazy thing!” LOL At the time it hurt so badly, but now I can actually look back and laugh at it.
With just over a year of no contact with him I am up on my feet, maybe not running yet, but the huge burden is off my back and I am starting to recover my strength; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. If I hadn’t focused on myself though, if I had tried to divide what little energy I had between myself and others, I am not sure that I would be up off the floor yet.
The point of this whole diatribe is that I’m advising you to focus your energies on YOU and not divide them trying YET to help others up when you still have a heavy burden on your own back from the trauma of the P. (and previous traumas). I think right now, YOU need to be the focus of your healing energies. Put yourself FIRST, and then when your energies are returned, you will have plenty to share with others and I know that you will be able to do that well and freely.
That caring energy is what makes us targets! (((hugs))))