Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a 24-year-old woman, a graduate student.
He told me he was all I needed; he told me that he was the only person who cared. He told me my friends hated me because they were so mad at me because I got sick. He told me they were just all bitches like all of the other girls in the world. Like his ex-girlfriends, like his mother, like (me).
I had no idea that sociopaths existed. I thought that “sociopath” was only a word thrown about on TV, late night news, America’s Most Wanted.
My therapist told me that my ex-boyfriend is one of the worst sociopaths that she has heard about in her 12 years of practice.
Abuse starts slow
The abuse started out subtle; the control started out slow. He told me that I’d look cute if I just started dressing a little more suggestively. He told me that a slight heel (high heels) would do wonders for any girl’s appearance. “Didn’t I want to be the girl all of the other girls were jealous of?” He would tell me how to dress in order to make guys stare.
He would walk me down the street, hand around my neck, but whispering, “Babe, you look great. God, baby you’re my good thing; look at all of them watching; they think you’re so HOT.”
I now think they were wondering what was up because I was dressed like a whore and my ex boyfriend would ask random guys if they would pay me to provide sexual favors for them.
Controlled everything
I dated this man for two and a half years. He would control what I did, what I wore, what I ate, when I slept, how I slept, what I was required to wear to bed, what I could do in bed, IF I could move in bed ”¦ He wouldn’t let me move; he would get angry if I woke him up. He needed his sleep so he could “go out and make money the next day. You know you’re just a needy woman. You need me, the big strong man…”
And he’d laugh at me. He would ridicule me. He would make fun of me. He would laugh if I thought I was smart. He would laugh if I thought I could do something. He would introduce me to people as “the retard.” He would tell me not to talk—why would I bother? It wasn’t like I knew what I was saying anyway.
He would tie me up tell me it was sexy and that everyone else was doing it. He would punch me in the stomach, but he would tell me that he was seeing how tight my abs were. He would show me horrible, horrible movies about what women do when they’re hurt.
He showed me the movie Secretary, where the woman gets sad and then cuts herself, gets found out by her boss and her boss says something like no, don’t do that. And they proceed to have sex while her boss beats her butt with a wooden paddle. My ex would force me to have sex while slapping my butt and digging his hands into me, saying it was love.
Getting out
The list of scary things goes on longer than I want to remember right now. It got to the point that my parents were afraid. My ex-boyfriend was losing control, and I was stuck in the middle.
I would do anything for him, but then I did the one thing he forbade me to do. I got out. I realized that my parents didn’t hate me. I realized that my friends didn’t hate me, and I realized that I am stronger than he is and that I didn’t have to be his “good thing” anymore.
Then he told me that he made a huge mistake. He told me that he was “so sorry,” that it was normal to fly into insane rages when one loses something that he loved. He tried to get me back. I broke up with him. He stayed around for a few months trying all of this.
He convinced me that we could still be together if we were just “F” buddies, because I was the best girl for sex or at sex that he’d ever had. I know that is complete b.s. now, but at the time, when he told me I was the “only one” and “oh so special,” it worked to keep me around.
But, yeah, I mean there’s no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed with him, he would have convinced me to kill myself, or killed me himself. He would tell me to take pills. He said it was a way for me to show the world how “hurt” I was (all said in a condescending and convincing tone).
Anyways, there’s more, but yeah he tried to get me back. He tried telling me how heartbroken and lonely he was without me, which didn’t make sense to me, because when he and I were dating he told me he didn’t get lonely, he just didn’t “feel” it. It’s weird because when I was with him and he was being manipulative and abusive, he almost always told me what he was doing, but he always said, “But baby, it’s okay because we’re different. No one else is like us; we’re better than everyone; just trust me.”
Apart for six months
I can say simply that when I was with him he was emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive. He would always say, “You can’t rape the willing, and you know you’re always willing, don’t bother saying no, because I know that no means yes.” Mind games and everything. He would get me so confused and afraid that if I said no, he’d be angry, and if he was angry he would hit me. Or at least I was terrified that is what would happen, because he would always tell me that he was bigger and stronger…
I have a restraining order against him now. I am in therapy now. We have been apart for six months, but I am still so shocked from it all. It still hurts really bad. I was with a man who told me he loved me, but that was just so that I would keep playing his bitch, keep being his doll and keep being his slave.
Dear Still standing,
That is definitely part of the healing process, and I can tell you from my own experience that it was SO difficult to cut off all contact. I had to force myself for physical NC, and then I had the best part—eventually I got EMOTIONAL NC.
With my X-BF-P, I ran into him at a convention of a group we are in 8 or 9 months after I had last seen him and sent his
butt packing, and he was with his new squeeze. I figured he might be there and sure enough he was. But believe it or not, I was NOT uncomfortable seeing him, but he was VERY uncomfortable seeing me. Instead of staying the whole 12 days as he usually did, he left after the first day and night.
Yesterday my mother, that I have been NC with for the past six months because of her hardcore enabling of my P-son, even after he tried to have me killed (and probably her before it was all over) showed up at my door on a trumped up excuse (she did not know I had returned to live in my house after I fled in June–actually I have been back here sice a few days before Christmas) I guess one of the neighbors told her I was here. Even though I have been back here living on the same farm, she didn’t know I was here as our houses are actually half a mile apart and not in line of sight.
I heard the dog bark and went to the door before I realized it was her. She gave me her trumped up excuse for why she had come over to “check” and I thanked her for that, and assured her if she had any more concerns about the livestock she could call my son D. Then I turned and went back in the house. I actually was not the least upset. A bit surprised at first was all.
I have taken back my POWER and have taken it AWAY from the Ps and their enablers in my life. I will not give them the power over how I feel, how I react. There is nothing that they have that I want. I loved my mother and for 60 years I tried to please her, I loved my son and tried to raise him to be a good man. I never pleased my mother, and I finally realized I never could. I realized my son is a monster and will never be anything else. Why would I want to interact with these people? If it was your mother or your son, I would cut them out of my life and not look back. Why should the fact that I did love them obligate me to allow their continued abuse?
I am expanind what I have learned about how POWERFUL I am into other aspects of my life as well. REalizing that I DESERVE to be treated with respect by everyone. I am learning to set reasonable boundaries and to enforce them, even if the people I set them for do not like having this done. I am not OBLIGATED to make everyone happy in the world. My world will NOT end if someone is not happy with me. My world will not end if someone doesn’t like me or thinks I am a B*tch.
As long as I set REASONABLE boundaries about how I let people interact with me, and examine those boundaries to make sure I am not UNreasonable, my conscience is clear.
I will no longer enable people in my life, I will no longer be a dependent of anyone else. I will be INTERDEPENDENT with the people i n my life. I will not love them because I “need” them, but will “need” them BECAUSE I love them….but that will not give them a pass to walk on me.
Many times when you stop the enabling the relationship may falter if it was only built on one person taking advantage of the other…but what have you lost? Nothing. Ditto if you are the one being enabled. I owe MYSELF appropriate responses to the behavior of others in my life, and if that means that some relationships go away, I’m not going to grieve over this in the future I have grieved enough in the past for several lifetimes.
When I first discovered the blogs for survivors of Ns and Ps, I was a “basket” case of the FIRST ORDER. Crying, whining, and CRAZY—but as NC has gone on, sanity and good sense have returned….but more than returned, I have grown as well, and I think am more rational, more logical and in many ways more loving and caring as well. Just Zero tolerance for BS and lies and being used.
I feel so stupid right now. I can’t believe how much this psychopath messed with my mind. I am still so hurt from what my ex did to me and, I KNOW that he’ crazy but that’s not the face he shows the world. He shows the world the face of the nice school teacher who everyone keeps blaming for everything but ‘oh no i didn’t do ANYTHING’ and it’s so hard cause he’s a very very very manipulatie many and I just need help at giving myself ways to remember that he didn’t give a damn about me all he cared about was him and he liked me cuz i was so damn impressinable and truting and naive….
Dear Still STanding,
Keep on standing my dear! And believe me you are NOT stupid, and yes, they do mess with our minds—all of us! They are the greatest at projecting the LIE—the smear campaign to make you look bad and them look “lily white” —everything you said is how they operate, and yes, YES, YES, it does hurt.
I hope that you will keep learning about the way they operate, and coming here and posting too. Everyone here has been through the same miserable treatment, it is almost just like it is ONE person that everyone here married or dated! They are so much alike in so many ways in the ways that they disrespect and use our heads and hearts.
Yes, they do pick trusting people, and good people,so believe me when I say that in a way it is an “honor” to be “picked” because it means that you are a good and kind and caring person–someone like them would have punched them out long ago. Give yourself a big hug from me and I am sure everyone else here! (((((Still Standing)))))
I slipped. it’s small, but i checked his myspace page. he is doing the same thing [ i think] to his younger cousinl he has her quoting ‘rocky’.
i also taled to a friend i had taled to when he and i were going out [he being my psycho ex]
she told me that i was shy and confused because my parents were overbearing. that’s what he said that’s how he created me.
i am so sad that i let myself be so used. i am so scared too because i was typing in random numbers on my cell hone and his came to mind and i dialed accidently i swear i didn’t mean to hit call i was bitching him out in my mind and it was a one second phone calll if that but i feel o stupid and argh. i wish i could just gte ove this but he used me so badgod i dont’ now.
that should have said ‘i don’t know, not, ‘i don’t now’
anyways. he’s just so good at the image, the game. he plays it like he’s this nice guy who everyone always picks on. but he’s a monster and just messes with people so bad. it makes me sick how two faced he is 🙁
DEar Still standing,
NO CONTACT is the ONLY way you can start to get him out of your head, dear! And that means no snooping either…he is NOT going to change, to be the one you thought he was, he is the one you KNOW, THE MONSTER YOU KNOW HE IS, the liar, the cheat, the creep—you do not need to keep on emotionally stalking him…it is counter productive to your healing. It doesn’t hurt him, it hurts YOU.
Be GOOD TO YOURSELF…you will “get over it” but it takes time and healing…yes, he injured you, held out the dream you thought he was, but it is a fantasy…YES, HE USED YOU…he does NOT care. But you DESERVE BETTER…take back your POWER to let him hurt you—you are so much stronger than you realize…
Don’t beat yourself up over this, just use it as a learning tool about how much pain it causes you when you “slip” even for a second. Hon, we have all been there where you are, time after time after time, and many if not most of us slipped up too, but it isn’t the end of the world. We’re here for you, post here, scream, cry, read, learn, post and heal. ((((hugs)))) Oxy
Thank you…
It’s so hard to understand why he wouldn’t hurt but i get it. iwas talking to my boyfriend about this [my ex] last night.
my boyfriend said ‘s'[me] he doesn’tmiss you. if he thinks of you he’s laughing ‘look what i made her do’
and i know that, when i was dating the psycho he laughed at what he made his ex do..
than u though, so much. it’sike you read my thoughts, why i looked at his myspace page. i wanted to learn he was hurt, i wanted to see he was different but, yeah people lke hat can’t change it’s impossible cuz, they don[thave what’s needed in order to give a f’ about othe people. that’s jut horrible.
thank u again for writing back to me…
i’m re4wlaly scared my mom sees that on the phone bill but it was not even a minute phone call so i mean i can explain if she even calls me on it…don’t know if she would….argh god my ex did a number on me..but, i’m stronger, like you said….
How old are you Still standing?
24
i know i shouldn’t still be worried about what my mom thinks
it’s a llng story
but yeah it’s my life i’m 24
my mom helpedme a LOT before, but now my decisions ar emine to make for better or worse i gues, huh
Dear Still Standing,
Your mom “helping” you should not give her the rights to control you. But, at the same time, YOU must be responsible for your own actions. If her “help” in contingent on her controlling you, then it is enabling.
I would suggest that you don’t “lie” to her or make up a story, or an excuse. Just tell her the truth. Telling the truth and being honest and open with those that we love is important to healing. The sociopaths lie, they distort, they twist. If we act like that as well, even if we think it is to “keep from having a fight” or making “someone angry” we are doing the same bad behaviors that the Ps did.
Yes, your mom may say “I told you so” if she knows the truth, or she may yell, but even if her behavior is inappropriate, your behavior needs to be appropriate and truthful. Sometimes it is difficult when it is your mom, because she may still see you as a “child”–I am 61 yrs old and I still was trying to get my mom to respect me and to be proud of me. I have lived my life so that most parents would be proud of what I have (as their child) accomplished personally and professionally. Yet, I never felt she was proud of me or appreciated me. She still viewed me as a child to control. To punish, if I didn’t do what she wanted.
She used money to control (she thought) the Psychopaths, to bribe them to “take care of her” after that attempt didn’t work with me…I didn’t take her money. I didn’t want her money. I’m not rich, but I live on what I have. Many times when people “help” us it is doing for us what we should be doing for ourselves, then trying to control us.
In order to be functioning adults, we must support ourselves, do for ourselves what adults do—take care of ourselves, and take the consequences for our own mistakes and misjudgments. Facing the consequences that we participated in the victimization done to us by the Ps is part of that. We ALLOWED it to continue past the first abuse. What they did was not deserved, it was not right, but we ALLOWED it to continue even when we knew it was wrong for them to do it. We “fooled ourselves” into thinking that it would get better or we could fix it, or love them enough that they would see and be good to us.
The best thing I have learned out of this whole series of P-encounters is that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS, and PEOPLE WILL TREAT ME HOW I ALLOW THEM TO TREAT ME.
I have learned that I must SET BOUNDARIES with some people. I must ENFORCE those boundaries in a healthy and good way. I must be honest with others, even if it upsets them. I also learned I am not BAD if I don’t allow someone else to abuse me and they get upset. It is NOT my job to make everyone else happy at my own expense.
No one else is responsible for my actions or my behavior, I AM. No one else is responsible for my happiness or my unhappiness. I AM. No one else is responsible for taking care of me. I AM. I have the POWER to be independent, but only if I USE it in a rational and reasonable way. If I expect others to take care of me, provide my happiness, and take all responsiblilty for me, they also have to have ALL CONTROL over me. And, believe me, that WILL NOT WORK.
Good luck, young lady! Take care of yourself–be good to yourself, be honest, especially with yourself. Once I jokingly made up an “Eleventh Commandment”–in addition to the ones in the Bible.. the Eleventh Commandment I made up is I think the one most violated by us all and it is
“Thou shalt not FOOL THYSELF.” I have violated that one many time, over and over. I am not ready to quit doing that! (((hugs)))) to a young lady from an old one who is just now getting wise.