LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Leaving the abuser, then expected to co-parent

Dear Gloria, my heart goes out to you. And I respect what you say about yourself. You sound like someone who has values, and works hard to live by them.

Doing that when dealing with a control freak or sadistic abuser can be not only a thankless task, but also makes you more vulnerable just because you’re so predictable. They criticize or complain, and they can pretty well anticipate that you’re going to do almost anything they want to keep the peace or you will try to have a reasonable discussion or you will take your story to someone who will regard you as the crazy person (because no one really acts like you claim your ex does).

I want to comment on a few things in your letter. First, you describe the way he projects himself in the community as though this were the truth about him. Wealthy, a lawyer, not a con artist profile, “an upstanding citizen, good employee, no criminal record except that one time I called 911 and he was arrested and charged with DV.”

That contrasts sharply with your own experience of him. That he is abusive in every way, gratuitously controlling, a continual liar, menacing toward the children, lacking in compassion, arrogant and manipulative, not just with your family but in situations where his control and ability to influence the lives of you and the children is threatened.

I don’t need to tell you that this is a sociopathic profile. You wouldn’t be writing on LoveFraud if you didn’t recognize that. But I hope you also realize that, whatever image he is projecting in the public arena, sociopaths are compulsively consistent in their intentions and behavior. And particularly in their need to win, no matter what the cost to others, in any situation.

As a lawyer, he’s in a profession where that characteristic is rewarded, particularly if he is a litigator, although it’s really true even for specialities as like tax and property law. There’s always an opponent, even if it’s the IRS or the neighbor who questions a property line. Based on what you’ve said already, I would assume your ex is more flamboyant than that, and likes the areas of law where he gets lots of public attention and big money. Which makes your attempts to get help based on your claims that he’s abusive and even pathologically dangerous toward you and your kids all that much more difficult.

At the same time, you can bet you’re not the only victim in his wake. And that some of them are a lot more comfortable than you, and have less to lose, in naming him for the monster he is.

So let’s get to your kids. What your kids are exhibiting are signs of abuse. Cutting is a well-known behavior for kids are abused and, though I hate to bring it up, especially sexual. A parent who is an emotionally manipulative bully can instill so many complicated fears in a child that it can be extremely hard for them to tell the truth about what they’ve endured. The fact that they’ve told you that they don’t want to go back is clear enough evidence that something bad is going on there. And the fact that he’s buying the affection of the one who is still willing to deal with him and withholding money from another is emotional abuse. Whatever is going on between him and them is not good for them. Even if you don’t know exactly what it is, you can refer to your own experience with him to intuit what it might be. He doesn’t recognize other people’s boundaries, especially those he considered his “property.”

So now onto you. I could see how carefully you wrote this letter, and I assume that indicates how hard you have tried to hold onto yourself in this mess. You sound pretty centered. But then again, it’s almost impossible that you could .be, because you’re dealing with ongoing attacks from him and a lack of personal support from authorities and therapists that continues to leave you and the children vulnerable. So I’m going to offer some advice that comes from the assumption that you’re not quite as together as you sound. Apologies if I’m stepping over the line.

I started this letter talking about his public persona and the way you talked about it. As though it were real. As though he had a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde dichotomy in his character, and the upstanding citizen is as “real” as the pathologically self-centered, immoral, uncivil, brutal, and criminally destructive person you know him to be. You, being a reasonable person, are clearly trying to balance these two realities. I am going to suggest that you give that up. Because what is the important reality about a priest who abuses young boys, or a wealthy philanthropist whose business leaves toxic waste dumps in unsuspecting communities, or an army general who wins his battles but at the cost of thousands of noncombatant lives?

All these types are, arguably contributors to society, but they break the rules of civilization the define us as human and safe among each other. And those breaches make them criminals.

So let’s get back to your ex, and how you think and talk about him. If you were truly convinced and confident in your judgment that he is a bad person, I believe it would change the way you view and analyze his actions. It would also change the way you approach the people who are supposed to help and protect you, whether we’re talking about the legal side or the therapeutic side.

Your ex takes advantage of people’s desires to believe that we’re all okay. And anyone who is inclined toward the wishful thinking that anyone who cries wolf is probably emotionally damaged or just whacko. I do understand that you’ve approached all these “helper” people with a rational presentation and you’ve attempted to present your facts logically and fairly.

But when you’re dealing with a sociopath, unfortunately the truth is that you have to be a bit of a sociopath yourself. Maybe more than a bit. You have to find it in yourself to be clever and remorseless, and to focus on what you want, rather than what might be fair to him or that would keep the helper completely informed. (In other words, you don’t have to admit that you’re upset or that you’ve ever made a mistake. These things are not relevant to your pursuit of what you want.)

So what am I talking about? First, as many people will tell you here, go armed with information. Not in your head. On paper. What happened and when. This includes what you hear from your children. You have a lot of information in your post, but it’s not organized in the way you would organized evidence.

1. He’s a liar — what events convinced you of that.
2. The children are afraid of him — what events
3. There is evidence of abuse — what events
4. He is taking advantage of his greater wealth and income to game the legal system and impoverish you — what events

Start with he’s a liar. Poison the well. He will deny it. Of course, he will. It’s not only that he’s a liar, but he also knows that destroying your credibility is his first job. That’s why you bring facts, well organized to support your statements about what you’re dealing with.

If anyone say that you are the problem, reply they are not looking at the facts. You can admit he is charismatic and a very smooth talker. You can understand why they might find him convincing. But the facts are on your side. Don’t back down. Don’t get emotional about it. Just stand your ground.

This is what you do with the helpers. But to do that, you have to do that in your own head. Believe this man is a continuing danger to your wellbeing and that of your children. If you don’t believe that, you’re not going to stand up for yourself and them. Don’t get confused by what anyone has told you about what an upstanding citizen he is. He’s not. And you are a witness to that.

Your kids are old enough to choose if they don’t want to see him. Support their choices to stay away from him. They know him as well as you do. You know they have good reason for their decisions, so stand behind them. Regard anything he says as gaslighting, and ignore it. The children are old enough to make their own choices. That is your only response. He may and probably will try to up the ante, threatening you with God knows what and trying to make this seem like a argument between you and him, or abuse of the children. (Typical sociopathic behavior to blame you for what he is doing.) The children are old enough to make their own choices.

As far as allegations of your abuse from the daughter who is still attached to him, you’ve probably already figured out that she is the one that is currently the most damaged. And the one who is bringing your husband’s influence into your home. If it wasn’t originally your ex’s idea to report you to child services, you can bet he encouraged her to do it.

So even though you may be a little shell-shocked by what happened the last time your tried to establish some behavioral expectations with the kids, I suggest you continue. And let her know that you didn’t appreciate having to go though all that drama because you told her it was her job to help with the house. You love her, and you want her to be happy. But she’s living under your roof and your rules. If she doesn’t get in line or she attempts to bully you by bringing in the CPS or anyone else, she’s not going to like the way it comes out.

You said that your ‘stern’ talk with the kids was the first time you ever did that. Obviously I’m suggesting that you stop worrying so much about being nice (for whatever reason you’ve been doing that), and toughen up. You need help and they’re old enough to take some responsibility. It sounds like you’ve neglected that aspect of their upbringing a bit, and it’s time to correct that. If your daughter wants to leave and live with her father, she’s also old enough to choose. And you can’t be having these dramas with the authorities because she thinks she can play these games. She’s learned how to do it from her father, and if you don’t defend yourself and create the kind of home you want, you’re going to be victimized by two of them.

Long letter and I apologize for that. Also for the tone of lecturing you, when you probably already know all this. The most important thing is to stop collaborating, not just with him, but with all these idiots who are misreading the situation. “He is a plausible liar and the facts on my side” is a very useful statement. Not the only statement you can develop to deal with him and these so-called helpers. But if you consistently demand respect for your facts and your experience, for your children’s opinions and experiences, and do it in a polite and respectful way that makes it clear that you are not bending or apologizing or explaining beyond what you have brought to the table, you will eventually find someone who will believe you. And until you do, don’t accept their judgments.

He plays games. And now you have a daughter who plays games too. Your only real defense in these situations is refusing to let them set the rules. The best way to do that is to know what you want and go after it relentlessly. I would think that includes a life and family free from fear and where your hard work and caring are respected and returned. If you think you deserve this, it will change the way your brain works and how you approach these challenges.

One last thought about sociopathic types. They’re addicted to winning, but if you make it harder for them, or don’t give them the pleasure of you acting like you think they’re big and bad, they eventually do shift their attention to easier prey. It’s not the he won’t test you with bigger threats or that he will never come back to see if he can rattle your cage. But if you can become emotionally impervious to the manipulation, commit yourself to making any encounter with your or your family very expensive for him in money, aggravation and damage to his personal reputation, and basically treat him like the unpleasant nuisance he is, you have a good chance of dissuading him from bothering you further.

You have to discipline your mind to look at it as a long game (rather than the short ugly little wrestling matches he likes). Sociopaths are notoriously slow to learn. But eventually he will get the message that he’s not dealing with the old Gloria and you’re just no fun anymore. (And yes, if he’s like the rest of them, he will call you a liar and crazy and whatever else he can come up with. Fortunately, you, being a nice person, can just smile when you hear that, and murmur something about how sad it is that poor thing hasn’t moved on.)

I hope at least some of this makes sense. And that our wonderful Erin B weighs in soon. She is our Wonder Woman in terms of dealing these characters in a legal setting.

Best wishes. You sound like a wonderful person and mother.

Kathy