Editor’s Note: This is another email from the Lovefraud reader whom we’re calling “Adelle.” She previously contributed, Are you seeing someone else?
I finally left my SP and like the alka-seltzer commercial used to say, “Oh what a relief it is.” My decision to leave was made a long time ago. Today I thought to myself, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
I didn’t do it sooner because of fear, of course. I had so many “What Ifs?” I never questioned whether it was in my best interest, I knew it was. The “What Ifs?” were in reference to him. What if he contacts my friends and tries to make me look bad? What if he does damage to my car so that I can’t get around? What if he hacks my email and starts sending emails pretending it’s me? What if he hacks my FB and post nasty things on my page? What if he tries to drain my bank account?
What if he makes good on his word and kills me like he threatened to do if I ever left?
This isn’t living
I recall thinking one day, “I’m already dead.” This isn’t living—living in fear that he may do all these things. I’m depressed, I’m fearful, I’ve lost touch with my friends, I’m angry, hurt, disappointed, I can’t even think straight and this is exactly how he wants me!
So I thought, if I leave and he kills me, well, I wasn’t living anyway, so no loss. But what if I leave and I LIVE! What if my depression goes away, what if I find joy again, what if I can concentrate again? What if I find color in life again? How about that for an IF?
It’s worth the risk, I thought! I did it; I took the risk; and I found a rainbow! He did all the IF’s I feared, but in that decision, in that finding of a colorful life I also lost something. I lost the fear of what ifs. There are friends whom I’ve contacted and have not heard from; my first thought is, “He called them and fed them some lies and they don’t want to talk to me!” I don’t know if that is the case but if it is, I cannot change that. Just as I could not change him and his ways, some things are out of my control and it is well with my soul!
The only power I have is over myself; the first realization of my power was when I acted on my decision, my decision to get out of the STORM because that’s what my life with him felt like, a STORM!
I think most of us have made the decision that we need to leave, that it is in our best interest; but we have a lot of IFS.
A rainbow after the storm
I never understood the “NO CONTACT RULE” like I do now. We need to retrieve our concentration, when we can’t think straight we cannot make good decisions. As long as we remain with the SP he will fill our minds with threats, confusion, nonsense, dirt, mud!
When we have a hurricane and a mandatory evacuation, many people obey; they leave. I’m sure as they drive out of town they wonder; “What if we lose everything, how will we start over?” Nonetheless their priority is to save Self and Family, they will figure the rest out later. Can you imagine them in the middle of the storm, with the winds at 100 mph tearing their roof off, windows breaking, the waters rising over their head, sirens all over the town, the cries of panic, with all this and the task of planning out their new beginning? How successful would they be at planning this new beginning?
Is your soul crying out to you “Evacuate?” Are the IF’s holding you back?
Get out of the storm, the muddy pit that you are in! You will blossom; you will find that what was meant to harm you will only make you stronger. You are now wiser because of this experience; if you do some careful soul searching you will not only learn about other people but much about yourself as well. Be careful not to be so hard on yourself, yes you may have made some mistakes, some bad decisions that landed you in this relationship. Like the old hymn says, “I once was lost but now I’m found, I once was blind but now I see.”
My hope is to encourage you, to share my experience and give you that hope, that inspiration that you are looking for! If you feel your SP is very serious about doing you harm, take legal action (I have) and plan your EVACUATION carefully, you will know when it’s time, you will know when you are ready to blossom!
Today, I don’t think quite the same, I don’t think who cares if he kills me, today I value my life, I will do everything I can to protect myself, because the difference is that NOW I am living! The storm is gone and life is full of color again, yes after a storm ”¦ there is a rainbow!
Thank you Adelle.
Freedom sounds awesome, but it seems very scary to be on your own without any finances to support yourself.
Being monitored (and taped) by a passive-aggressive, self-centered jerk 24/7 is beyond anything I could ever have imagined in my life…but it’s my sick reality.
The mere fact that I am typing this on a computer that is controlled by my administrator husband (who sees all) must mean that I’m getting strong enough to start standing up for myself…regardless of the consequences! He even chose my email password…which I do not know and can not change. I think that any other email account will match up with this one…and he’ll see all!
I am a good person who has never been unfaithful or sabotaged him. So why does he do this spying on me? His spying would actually seem funny if it wasn’t so insane that he’s watching my every movement and taping my phone conversations in the first place. What he’s doing seems so wrong…wish I could figure out how to screw up this home computer network. My dream would be to find a way to make the system go nuts when he accesses my stuff. I don’t want to destroy the network, but it would seem wonderful if some magical key stroke that he makes would cause his computer’s screen to freeze for maybe 1-2 hours every time he accesses my computer to spy on me. (actually all of his computers…he probably has 8 or more PCs and laptops in his upstairs home office where he works).
Hopefully I’ll soon build up my confidence to the point where I will bolt away from Slag Hell and start to experience a real life and freedom again. But, for now it is just a dream…but it’s nice to dream.
I’m happy for you, Adelle. You give me hope!
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Adelle.
The core of fear is a powerful tool in the ammo bag of the spath – no single tool is more effective for their purposes than FEAR. I know this from my recent experiences, and the “Why didn’t I do this sooner?” sounds reasonable in hindsight, only.
I didn’t recognize the obvious, with exception to the draining of the finances down to zero – that includes my own contributions, as well. The Worm isn’t your typical, charming, dashing, and love-bombing sociopath. Rather, he’s more like a simpering five-year-old that finds sexual interest in the rape, torture, murder, and necrophilia of women. When playing his games with his friends, HE was the submissive, but he truly hates women to such a degree that I have NO doubt that I would have either had a nasty, permanent accident, or become suddenly ill and died in the not-too-distant-future. This was the sudden revelation that I had when I found his nasty bag of tricks. I didn’t have a single clue as to what he really was – he was living a double life, plain and simple.
He also played as if he were an “artist.” About 10 months ago, he asked me to read one of his new short stories – he gave a verbal preamble that went something like this: “Now, you might find it offensive, but it’s just fantasy.” Well, the story was a ripoff of a literary classic that ended with someone who is described, succinctly, as a sociopath who has a penchant for BDS&M….If I had only connected the stupid DOTS, then!!!!! It wasn’t “offensive” as much as it was utterly disturbing. That anyone would think that their wife would want to read about a titmouse of a man who fantasized about being beaten. And, it was horribly written, as all of his work has been, though I never had the heart to tell him that he wasn’t the artist that he believed himself to be.
But, guess what….everything worked out the way that it did for A Reason. If things hadn’t gone the way that they did, I wouldn’t have uncovered the egregious nature of his financial abuse and I would have certainly been out in the proverbial cold. I made a “good decision” to get him out of my life, even if the way that I did it wasn’t the best choice of action. But, he’s gone and I will move forward because I frigging mean to! I refuse to allow the worm to define who I am.
The confidence for myself must come from within me, and from no other person. I’m NOT stupid. I’m NOT ugly. I AM talented, compassionate, loving, and nurturing – I am worthy of loving myself, first, and foremost. Reprogramming myself after years and years of abuse, neglect, more abuse, and more abuse is going to take some time and patience. And, it’s going to take some strong medicine in the form of counseling therapy, for which I am TRULY grateful.
We each have the ability to make the “dream” become reality. We just have to determine when we’ve had enough. In my case, I can walk away without a backward glance at that worm – I’ve had my period of grief for the phantom that I thought I had married, and the cold, hard reality of what the worm truly is makes me grateful, each and every day, that he is gone.
He doesn’t need a restraining order against me! LMAO!!! I’ve imposed my OWN, and it’s called “NO CONTACT.” I never want to speak to the worm, again – there is nothing to say, no questions to ask, nor any answers to hear. It’s done, and my life is my own, again.
Blessings to everyone for a bright, healthy, and positive New Year.
Love this article. Too often we stop asking What IF. Should continue to ask ALL the what IF’s.
As a person who grew up EXTREMELY poor, my fear was being homeless. After all, my spath had COMPLETE control of finances, I hadn’t worked outside our home/biz for all the years of our marriage, I am much older and the economy is bad. Even snappy pros with masters degrees are taking the waitress jobs. And I was SUCH an emotional basketcase, I couldn’t hold a job to save my soul.
I asked myself what if… and concluded I was better off as a homeless person than living (dying) with him.
ps. I didn’t end up homeless.
Absolutely, never believe it is preferable to live a lie with a spath than be ‘on your own’; it is about extremes ..what do they have to do until you leave.
I had it all, big house, income, I took my children and left with no where to go ..I now have a life, my children doing well; financially okayish, but at least my children and I can be ourselves. Spaths are leeches, suck you dry emotionally etc materially I have lost everything, but heck I no longer see my children abused ..one now doing a physics degree, my son will go next year to Cambridge to read classics ..the spath has tried everything to stop their education out of jealousy .it is jealous of his own children! A vile, evil lying nobody ..it goes to criminal proceedings for child abuse shortly and my children will conduct themselves with dignity, honesty and integrity ..the truth outs it just takes time ..many years ..but it always does ..eventually.
No one needs to stay, an adversity to change is in us all ..if desperate enough we leave ..basic protection of ourselves and children. IMConfused, I have read many of your posts ..leave, pack up and simply go ..then no more cameras, you will have your own email account, phone etc ..then he can’t control you anymore ..I know a huge step, but if you don’t then you go on as is ..warm hugs to you x
I lived in TERROR, the TERROR of “what ifs” is horrible, it is worse than the hurricane it is worse than the tornado, it is worse than anything I ever lived through and I’ve been involved in both a tornado and a hurricane….and even an earthquake! Now, I live cautiously, but no longer in terror! I am evacuated from the epicenter of the storm….and I am watching the “weather channel” but I am NOT living in terror, and I am sure as heck not putting my STUFF over my own life. I can get more stuff, but I only have one life!
GREAT Article, Adelle, thanks for sharing!
Adele:
I remember when I was going through the “what ifs” a friend of mine told me to state out loud what my greatest fear was. I did – it was my fear that I wasn’t strong enough to survive on my own. My friend, who has known me most of my life said “Why would you think that? You survived a childhood that was a nightmare. Hell, when I used to see your parents in action I had the nightmares – that you were going to be killed. And when you finally decided you had enough of your parents drama you walked out the door with the clothes on your back and worked 3 jobs and put yourself through school. And as for the S? I would have broken by now from the torture the S has put you through. Where on earth did you ever get the idea that you weren’t strong? You are the strongest person I know.”
I guess the point of this whole ramble is that the way we see ourselves after the S is often so distorted. We think we are weak for having tolerated so much abuse when actually, we’re strong — we just can’t see it at the moment.
I remember reading in a book by Tom Wolfe a line which still resonates with me. It was to the effect that the hardest part of making a decision was making the decision. Once you decide on what you’re going to do, it is sort of like stepping off a cliff — there’s no turning back. As I read so many of the stories on this site, that is the thing that always jumps out at me — that once someone really and truly makes the decision that they have to get away from the S in their lives, they step off the cliff whether or not they’ve got the big house, the nice clothes, the job, the money. None of it matters at the end except saving yourself and your kids.
Matt, great point! The anxiety up to the point of making that decision is awful, but once it is made, it is easy from then on! No more anxiety. No more fear!
Matt:
“I remember when I was going through the “what ifs” a friend of mine told me to state out loud what my greatest fear was. I did ”“ it was my fear that I wasn’t strong enough to survive on my own.”
I agree with everything your friend told you but would also like to add just one more thing that may not always be so obvious to us, especially for the newbies who are only just getting out…
We are never so alone as when we live with a spath.
They are not “with” us in the conventional sense of the word anyhow – they are CERTAINLY not “with” us emotionally the way that we allow ourselves to be tricked into thinking that they are.
They are usually not “with” us physically, either; so many of them are off being physical with other people, animals, holes in the fence, need I go on?
They spend the entire “relationshit” isolating us physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially from those who actually DO care about us and who COULD offer us the love and companionship that every human being craves and needs.
They kill off our support systems and they run interference through our extended networks so that by the time they are “done” with us, it feels like we have nothing, and nowhere to go and nobody to turn to.
Not sure if you can make it “on your own”? Honey, that’s exactly what you have already been doing, only with a deliberately (by the spath) scrambled brain that can’t think or plan or problem-solve. Once you are free of the spath, your brain begins to repair itself and you will find ways around all of the things that appear so insurmountable now.
No – We are never so alone as when we live with a spath.
Go Adelle! Good job 🙂
So happy to read this post. It has a great tone to it. You are definitely somewhere else. And those what ifs…oh, I can relate. And my ex did them all too, but he didn’t kill me! And you’re still alive!!!
Go girl!!! 🙂
Aussie Girl!!!
Great point, you are never so alone as when your “support” is a psychopath—yea, like a swimming lesson with a mill stone around your neck, supposed to make you stronger! LOL Funny how well we swim with that stone from off our necks!
How are you doing with the security? ((hugs)))