Editor’s Note: This is another email from the Lovefraud reader whom we’re calling “Adelle.” She previously contributed, Are you seeing someone else?
I finally left my SP and like the alka-seltzer commercial used to say, “Oh what a relief it is.” My decision to leave was made a long time ago. Today I thought to myself, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
I didn’t do it sooner because of fear, of course. I had so many “What Ifs?” I never questioned whether it was in my best interest, I knew it was. The “What Ifs?” were in reference to him. What if he contacts my friends and tries to make me look bad? What if he does damage to my car so that I can’t get around? What if he hacks my email and starts sending emails pretending it’s me? What if he hacks my FB and post nasty things on my page? What if he tries to drain my bank account?
What if he makes good on his word and kills me like he threatened to do if I ever left?
This isn’t living
I recall thinking one day, “I’m already dead.” This isn’t living—living in fear that he may do all these things. I’m depressed, I’m fearful, I’ve lost touch with my friends, I’m angry, hurt, disappointed, I can’t even think straight and this is exactly how he wants me!
So I thought, if I leave and he kills me, well, I wasn’t living anyway, so no loss. But what if I leave and I LIVE! What if my depression goes away, what if I find joy again, what if I can concentrate again? What if I find color in life again? How about that for an IF?
It’s worth the risk, I thought! I did it; I took the risk; and I found a rainbow! He did all the IF’s I feared, but in that decision, in that finding of a colorful life I also lost something. I lost the fear of what ifs. There are friends whom I’ve contacted and have not heard from; my first thought is, “He called them and fed them some lies and they don’t want to talk to me!” I don’t know if that is the case but if it is, I cannot change that. Just as I could not change him and his ways, some things are out of my control and it is well with my soul!
The only power I have is over myself; the first realization of my power was when I acted on my decision, my decision to get out of the STORM because that’s what my life with him felt like, a STORM!
I think most of us have made the decision that we need to leave, that it is in our best interest; but we have a lot of IFS.
A rainbow after the storm
I never understood the “NO CONTACT RULE” like I do now. We need to retrieve our concentration, when we can’t think straight we cannot make good decisions. As long as we remain with the SP he will fill our minds with threats, confusion, nonsense, dirt, mud!
When we have a hurricane and a mandatory evacuation, many people obey; they leave. I’m sure as they drive out of town they wonder; “What if we lose everything, how will we start over?” Nonetheless their priority is to save Self and Family, they will figure the rest out later. Can you imagine them in the middle of the storm, with the winds at 100 mph tearing their roof off, windows breaking, the waters rising over their head, sirens all over the town, the cries of panic, with all this and the task of planning out their new beginning? How successful would they be at planning this new beginning?
Is your soul crying out to you “Evacuate?” Are the IF’s holding you back?
Get out of the storm, the muddy pit that you are in! You will blossom; you will find that what was meant to harm you will only make you stronger. You are now wiser because of this experience; if you do some careful soul searching you will not only learn about other people but much about yourself as well. Be careful not to be so hard on yourself, yes you may have made some mistakes, some bad decisions that landed you in this relationship. Like the old hymn says, “I once was lost but now I’m found, I once was blind but now I see.”
My hope is to encourage you, to share my experience and give you that hope, that inspiration that you are looking for! If you feel your SP is very serious about doing you harm, take legal action (I have) and plan your EVACUATION carefully, you will know when it’s time, you will know when you are ready to blossom!
Today, I don’t think quite the same, I don’t think who cares if he kills me, today I value my life, I will do everything I can to protect myself, because the difference is that NOW I am living! The storm is gone and life is full of color again, yes after a storm ”¦ there is a rainbow!
Aussie,
Good quote. You’re never so alone as when you’re with a spath.
I’m NC for a while now, it hits me every so often like it’s hitting me today of wow, I’m in so much pain.
I used to reach out to try to fix things with my spath. I’d want his touch, want him to love me, want him to make me feel less alone. And maybe he would, briefly, and then he’d make things worse. He would lie, he would cheat, he would be his evil self.
So now I am resisting reaching out to him, because while a temporary lift might be there, the end result would be really bad.
Still, it hurts. I don’t know what hurts more, knowing that he hurt me on purpose, or my current loneliness.
Don’t know what to do except to wait it out.
Athena
Athena,
Wait it out. it does get better. I remember reaching out to him to stop the pain, just like a drug addict needing a hit to relieve the stress, hurt and lonliness. But each time the toxic relationship just got worse and I got swallowed up in grief and confusion…it just got to a point that it didnt matter ‘what if’..regardless of what could of should of been done it was to late to to start over ‘one more time’.. it was live or die without him..i am still alive and doing ok, doing better in many ways…but personally i think the encounter with a person like we are talking about will always leave us feeling bewildered.. you can only analyze crazy so much..let go the best you can and life will catch up with you i promise…
Athena
I know that pain of wanting the lonliness to go away and that my spath was able to relieve that pain, that is until he learned he could control and abuse me by triggering that pain. I called it the pain of abandonment. What I identified as lonliness was really abandonment. That’s why being around my spath hurt so much, b/c even when he was with me, he wasn’t able to be present as a conscious giving person. I was NEVER so lonely as when I was with him. It was an unending trap.
I researched abandonment issues. One of the solutions was to feed my soul, to fill my soul with fulfillment and joy. I started investigating things that gave me pleasure. Funnily, one of my pleasures is research, I find a subject that is interesting and I pursue it. Another of my pleasures is walking village to village in the UK. SO much history, town museums, and their libraries always have a section on local history. I try to ask the local historian to a meal, a pint etc and I enjoy the conversation b/c the research is fascinating.
I am only sharing what I did to resolve my emptiness and loneliness that being with my spath triggered in me. I did NOT substitute another man. I wanted to be able to rlieve my loneliness MYSELF so that no one would EVER take away my ability to make myself feel better.
Waiting did not improve things for me, it just left me in limbo. I had to be proactive. Eventually I got a dog, and I do volunteer but I learned I needed to volunteer to care for people so I am better in a nursing home, reading to others than I was dusting the objects in a charity shop.
Would like to hear from others what they did about the loneliness. I believe that pain is what keeps a LOT of us going back to the soul suckers.
Katy and Athena,
I remember the first time I tried to break up with my spath.
It was about 3 years into our relationshit. I told him, “We HAVE to break up. This relationship is too hard. I’m missing you already and I haven’t even left. It hurts so much, please help me make it stop hurting. I cried in agony and he cried with me (obviously he was faking it, now I know). We both cried all day and the next in each others’ arms. The pain of CONTEMPLATING leaving him was too much. In the end, I didn’t go. I couldn’t. And my hell lasted for 22 more years. I wish I had gone through the pain the first time, or the second time, or the third…
Katy,
Research helped me too. I read and discovered the answers to all my questions of why? I solved mechanical puzzles. I ate a lot of sushi. Sushi makes me feel better.
I think there are two things happening. One is loneliness and the other is withdrawal. I experienced withdrawal recently when I encountered 2 women and became friends with them. They turned out to be toxic and I had to cut off my friendship. To my surprise, I experienced withdrawal for about 3 months! I had gotten so used to their love bombing and drama that I had begun to anticipate it, the way an ex-smoker anticipates their after dinner cigarette. The only thing that can change that, is time. The brain will regain its balance.
Loneliness takes work. You have to meet other people and make contact, just be careful that you don’t end up in withdrawal!
Milo,
here’s a link to an interesting story on Aspergers in the NYTimes.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/26/us/navigating-love-and-autism.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=general
Withdrawal and lonliness. Two different conditions.
Wait out withdrawal.
Do something, get busy, to combat lonliness.
Ok.
And eat sushi! I love that. I need to lose 10 pounds. I work out already, so something else has to change. Maybe swapping pizza for sushi.
Thank you.
Skylar isn’t tomorrow your birthday???
Athena,
Loneliness. Hmmm. You know I’ve wondered how many people put up with shiat relationships because they don’t want to be alone. They make excuses for their partner because they’re afraid of being alone. They stay because it’s easier to do so. Or at least they think it is.
I miss intimacy. I miss having someone to talk to and share my life with. Im lonely in that I don’t have a significant other. It sucks Athena. And, I don’t have a clever answer. Why? Because I’ve never really been on my own you see. I’ve always lived with someone. Parents, ex husband, ex spath. Here I am an old gal of 49 and it’s me alone.
I wish you strength and am sending you a big hug for what it’s worth. I’m new to this alone shiat too.
Dear Strongwoman,
You know, a year or so after my husband died my son D who lives with me went traveling for 8 or 9 months working with a friend of his who is an independent film producer…and I was rattling around in this huge house like a bb in a box car! LOL I realized that I had never actually LIVED ALONE except for a few months when I was 20. I had always shared a domicile with someone. Even when my son is gone during the summer for 2-3 months and I rarely if ever hear from him during that time as what half day they have off each week is usually spent sleeping! LOL but I don’t feel “lonely” even though no one is here with me, it is just the IDEA of being “alone” that made me feel lonely I think.
Though my son shares a domicile with me, we aren’t up in each others faces 24/7 as he does his thing and I do mine and then we do things together and work together, but it is just knowing that someone else is “here” even if I were to not even see him all day.
Since he was gone that 8 or 9 months, I realized what the “uneasy” feeling was in the evenings and it doesn’t bother me now.
I think if he were to get married or take a job out of state or actually “move” somewhere else I’d probably see if I could find a paying room mate just to have another soul on the place and maybe someone to feed the bird if I go somewhere…but I am content with my own company. It’s peaceful around here, but not lonely….even if I am alone.
Ox, you’re funny. Like a bb in a box car? What IS that?? Lol.
I was reading your post on another thread, don’t trust as far as you can throw a cow by it’s tail.
You’re funny and kind and i like that.
Anyway, this flipping loneliness thing…. I hear what your saying an I like my own company too but you know what I miss just talking. In case you haven’t noticed, I love to talk.
🙂