Editor’s Note: This is another email from the Lovefraud reader whom we’re calling “Adelle.” She previously contributed, Are you seeing someone else?
I finally left my SP and like the alka-seltzer commercial used to say, “Oh what a relief it is.” My decision to leave was made a long time ago. Today I thought to myself, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
I didn’t do it sooner because of fear, of course. I had so many “What Ifs?” I never questioned whether it was in my best interest, I knew it was. The “What Ifs?” were in reference to him. What if he contacts my friends and tries to make me look bad? What if he does damage to my car so that I can’t get around? What if he hacks my email and starts sending emails pretending it’s me? What if he hacks my FB and post nasty things on my page? What if he tries to drain my bank account?
What if he makes good on his word and kills me like he threatened to do if I ever left?
This isn’t living
I recall thinking one day, “I’m already dead.” This isn’t living—living in fear that he may do all these things. I’m depressed, I’m fearful, I’ve lost touch with my friends, I’m angry, hurt, disappointed, I can’t even think straight and this is exactly how he wants me!
So I thought, if I leave and he kills me, well, I wasn’t living anyway, so no loss. But what if I leave and I LIVE! What if my depression goes away, what if I find joy again, what if I can concentrate again? What if I find color in life again? How about that for an IF?
It’s worth the risk, I thought! I did it; I took the risk; and I found a rainbow! He did all the IF’s I feared, but in that decision, in that finding of a colorful life I also lost something. I lost the fear of what ifs. There are friends whom I’ve contacted and have not heard from; my first thought is, “He called them and fed them some lies and they don’t want to talk to me!” I don’t know if that is the case but if it is, I cannot change that. Just as I could not change him and his ways, some things are out of my control and it is well with my soul!
The only power I have is over myself; the first realization of my power was when I acted on my decision, my decision to get out of the STORM because that’s what my life with him felt like, a STORM!
I think most of us have made the decision that we need to leave, that it is in our best interest; but we have a lot of IFS.
A rainbow after the storm
I never understood the “NO CONTACT RULE” like I do now. We need to retrieve our concentration, when we can’t think straight we cannot make good decisions. As long as we remain with the SP he will fill our minds with threats, confusion, nonsense, dirt, mud!
When we have a hurricane and a mandatory evacuation, many people obey; they leave. I’m sure as they drive out of town they wonder; “What if we lose everything, how will we start over?” Nonetheless their priority is to save Self and Family, they will figure the rest out later. Can you imagine them in the middle of the storm, with the winds at 100 mph tearing their roof off, windows breaking, the waters rising over their head, sirens all over the town, the cries of panic, with all this and the task of planning out their new beginning? How successful would they be at planning this new beginning?
Is your soul crying out to you “Evacuate?” Are the IF’s holding you back?
Get out of the storm, the muddy pit that you are in! You will blossom; you will find that what was meant to harm you will only make you stronger. You are now wiser because of this experience; if you do some careful soul searching you will not only learn about other people but much about yourself as well. Be careful not to be so hard on yourself, yes you may have made some mistakes, some bad decisions that landed you in this relationship. Like the old hymn says, “I once was lost but now I’m found, I once was blind but now I see.”
My hope is to encourage you, to share my experience and give you that hope, that inspiration that you are looking for! If you feel your SP is very serious about doing you harm, take legal action (I have) and plan your EVACUATION carefully, you will know when it’s time, you will know when you are ready to blossom!
Today, I don’t think quite the same, I don’t think who cares if he kills me, today I value my life, I will do everything I can to protect myself, because the difference is that NOW I am living! The storm is gone and life is full of color again, yes after a storm ”¦ there is a rainbow!
Hens
I DEF saw the handwriting on the wall. That’s why I left my spath’s world. NOW my life is FULL of possibilities. I’d rather have possibles over might have happened every time.
Oh katydid. I saw my x’s handwriting on a few walls too ~ ~! oh my.
Happy Birthday Skylar & Milo! Many Blessings.
THANKS EVERYONE for the birthday wishes and blessings, I appreciate it.
Yes, Sky the last two years have seemed like one catastrophe after another. I’m glad Pluto has moved on, now if the Spath would do the same thing I might have a chance. LOL
Thanks Ana!
Milo,
I don’t know whether you follow horoscopes, but mine often seem to be uncannily accurate.
An interesting twist is that the trojan horse’s bday is the same day as Hitler’s and my ex-spath’s bday is the same day as Hitler’s girlfriend Eva Braun. It would be nice if they met the same fate together…
Greetings everyone, it’s Adelle! First time logging in for comments. I was hesitant because I know SP has been here. I read he was trying to get some of you regulars to help edit and what have you. Oh well, I expected nothing less! I could go on with negative things about him but I think his introduction has done that already, so thanks SP for sparing me the trouble. I’d like to thank all of you for your support and encouragement. I’ve been reading for over a year now but all I did was read; just reading stories of individuals who had taken that step of leaving was enough back then because it gave me hope that one day I would be there and here I am! I read Hens comment -“Scratching head-no one ever gets to see “What could have been”. The only could have been that I can think of is “I could have ended up in a nut house” – I also think, why waste time thinking “What could have been”…I wasted enough time in Fantasy Land! I do understand how some of us may want to see what could have been and I respect that. I also know that we all heal differently and think differently and I respect that as well, my reality is so good there is no need for me to think of what could have been. I know that our SP’s will try to invade us here and I know why. This is where we get our support, this is where we find strength and they want us weak, LF blog is a threat to them, my God if we keep this up; they may not have anymore victims! Again, thanks for all your support; stay strong!
Thanks, Adelle,
As I posted elsewhere, The Land of What Should Be is where the spaths hang out, selling us their stories about a beautiful life together. If we live in What Is, we find that it’s not so bad as we thought. In a sense, can live without “hope,” choosing possibility and making-it-happen instead. But I think I know what you mean by hope. One has to envision something.
SisterSister
What do you mean, “selling us their stories about a beautiful life together”? Tell me?
My spath said a few things –
“can you imagine what our kids would be like if we had any together?”
“can you imagine what great decisions we would make if we were together?”
“we would be be there, to take care of eachother, to talk about what happened at work at the end of the day”
Of course, Mr. SPATH was living with his ex wife at the time,
unbeknownst to me.
Athena
Athena – So he is painting a pretty picture of what if’s while he is living with his wife/xwife? Sounds like a nitemare to me. Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see wich one fills up the quickest..somethin like that.
I think we all would of done things different if we knew then what we know now..but it’s what we know now that keeps us from repeating what we did back when we didnt know what we know now. In other words…The Truth Will Set You Free, but first it will PISS you off.
Regarding loneliness, there is a nationwide network of social groups via meetup.com. The concept began in 2001 after the 9/11 tragedy as a way for people to get out and be with others. There are some singles groups and they are stated as such but most are just a mix of people looking for others to do things with. The groups I belong to go hiking, snowshoeing, to the movies and plays, out to eat, skiing and really about any activity that one can think of. There are also book clubs, beach volleyball, knitting groups….there really is something for everyone. The best part is it’s always a “group” activity. It works well for me as I am reluctant to add new individual friends to my life at this time due to the trust factor and dealing with too many losses this year. Some gatherings have a fee of $1 or $2 that goes to the organizer as in addition to organizing activities, they also have to pay meetup.com for their website. For me, it has been a good way to start living again.
Happy Birthday Sky and Milo! 🙂
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