Editor’s Note: This is another email from the Lovefraud reader whom we’re calling “Adelle.” She previously contributed, Are you seeing someone else?
I finally left my SP and like the alka-seltzer commercial used to say, “Oh what a relief it is.” My decision to leave was made a long time ago. Today I thought to myself, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
I didn’t do it sooner because of fear, of course. I had so many “What Ifs?” I never questioned whether it was in my best interest, I knew it was. The “What Ifs?” were in reference to him. What if he contacts my friends and tries to make me look bad? What if he does damage to my car so that I can’t get around? What if he hacks my email and starts sending emails pretending it’s me? What if he hacks my FB and post nasty things on my page? What if he tries to drain my bank account?
What if he makes good on his word and kills me like he threatened to do if I ever left?
This isn’t living
I recall thinking one day, “I’m already dead.” This isn’t living—living in fear that he may do all these things. I’m depressed, I’m fearful, I’ve lost touch with my friends, I’m angry, hurt, disappointed, I can’t even think straight and this is exactly how he wants me!
So I thought, if I leave and he kills me, well, I wasn’t living anyway, so no loss. But what if I leave and I LIVE! What if my depression goes away, what if I find joy again, what if I can concentrate again? What if I find color in life again? How about that for an IF?
It’s worth the risk, I thought! I did it; I took the risk; and I found a rainbow! He did all the IF’s I feared, but in that decision, in that finding of a colorful life I also lost something. I lost the fear of what ifs. There are friends whom I’ve contacted and have not heard from; my first thought is, “He called them and fed them some lies and they don’t want to talk to me!” I don’t know if that is the case but if it is, I cannot change that. Just as I could not change him and his ways, some things are out of my control and it is well with my soul!
The only power I have is over myself; the first realization of my power was when I acted on my decision, my decision to get out of the STORM because that’s what my life with him felt like, a STORM!
I think most of us have made the decision that we need to leave, that it is in our best interest; but we have a lot of IFS.
A rainbow after the storm
I never understood the “NO CONTACT RULE” like I do now. We need to retrieve our concentration, when we can’t think straight we cannot make good decisions. As long as we remain with the SP he will fill our minds with threats, confusion, nonsense, dirt, mud!
When we have a hurricane and a mandatory evacuation, many people obey; they leave. I’m sure as they drive out of town they wonder; “What if we lose everything, how will we start over?” Nonetheless their priority is to save Self and Family, they will figure the rest out later. Can you imagine them in the middle of the storm, with the winds at 100 mph tearing their roof off, windows breaking, the waters rising over their head, sirens all over the town, the cries of panic, with all this and the task of planning out their new beginning? How successful would they be at planning this new beginning?
Is your soul crying out to you “Evacuate?” Are the IF’s holding you back?
Get out of the storm, the muddy pit that you are in! You will blossom; you will find that what was meant to harm you will only make you stronger. You are now wiser because of this experience; if you do some careful soul searching you will not only learn about other people but much about yourself as well. Be careful not to be so hard on yourself, yes you may have made some mistakes, some bad decisions that landed you in this relationship. Like the old hymn says, “I once was lost but now I’m found, I once was blind but now I see.”
My hope is to encourage you, to share my experience and give you that hope, that inspiration that you are looking for! If you feel your SP is very serious about doing you harm, take legal action (I have) and plan your EVACUATION carefully, you will know when it’s time, you will know when you are ready to blossom!
Today, I don’t think quite the same, I don’t think who cares if he kills me, today I value my life, I will do everything I can to protect myself, because the difference is that NOW I am living! The storm is gone and life is full of color again, yes after a storm ”¦ there is a rainbow!
Dear Adelle,
Thanks for your article and glad you are here! Don’t know which one of the “trolls” that pop out from under the bridge and try to be “big billy goat gruff” was “your” particular piece of carp, but he won’t fool this bunch for long, if at all. LOL
I’m glad you’re here and glad you are recovering! It is amazing what knowing that we are not alone, just that ONE thing if nothing else, helps us to get on that road to recovery! (((hugs))))
Hens,
Holy shiat, that made me laugh! Thank you! HUGS!
“First it will piss you off”. OMG is that true or what.
New Beginning,
You are right on about the meetup site. I am a member of a club on there, met some fantastic people and we all share the same hobby. We mostly get together in the summer, but you’re right, I should get my butt in gear and get in touch with them again. You are a blessing. Thank you for reminding me.
I am amazed at what a social creature I am, or that we all are. I loved a guy who didn’t love me back, and not only that, but he hurt me on purpose, and I’m paralyzed by it. I’ve got to move on.
The giggles from Hens were good medicine.
Happy Birthday Again, SKYLAR and MILO! HUGS to you both.
Athena
athena ,
thank you for giggling, alot of my nonsense is just to make somebody smile for a minute, life goes on, humor helps…thanks, sometime’s I feel like I have worn out my welcome here…
Hens have a hug.
When I first came here I thought hens? Like cluck cluck variety and then someone revealed it’s short for Henry. I was like ohhhh righttt …derr.
Anyway, Hens I like reading your posts. Like you say it’s good to laugh and you make me chuckle.
🙂
New Beginning & Athena ~
Thanks for the birthday wishes, another year older and I hope a whole lot wiser (thanks to friends here at LF).
I am sure I don’t have to give any warnings to you two, but be on guard with meetup sites, just like any other internet social site. I say this from experience. My P/daughter is signed up on many of the meetup groups in her area, and attends the meetings. Her sole reason is to meet victims. She belongs to groups like young business women (she is not a business woman, unless selling drugs counts) free thinkers (hahaha) hiking groups, book groups, coffee club, young singles group, spiritual group, and last ABUSE SURVIVORS. She has attended many “abuse survivor” groups of one kind or another over the years. She “steals” their stories, their emotions, their words, even facial expressions so when she wears the mask of an abuse survivor in court or wherever she deems it appropriate, she knows exactly how to act. And as we all know these people make perfect “P targets”.
So, just beware of the P in sheep’s clothing.
Thanks again everyone for the good wishes.
Milo, thank you for adding that. Should have thought of it as I see P’s everywhere now even when some (or most) of them probably are not. Red flags abound in my world after being married to a P for 30 years and now realizing his entire family are also P’s except for his Dad who happens to have an untreatable cancer. My former MIL has been contacting me saying she just “knows” the P and I will get back together. Have to bite my lip to keep myself from responding that we wouldn’t be back together even if we were the last two people on earth.
As meetup goes, I have encountered a few narcissitic organizers and stay clear of those groups. Also completely stay away from individuals who are clingy. When others ask for my phone number with the hope that we can get together, I will tell them that I am still in a healing phase (lost my Mom right after the divorce from P) and am staying with only group activities for now. I should also add that I do not go to any gathering which only ends up with a few people attending. Call me crazy or call me vigilant but safety is paramount.
Yes, the P’s are everywhere in their sheep’s clothing. Not sure if I will ever be letting anyone new get close to me. I hope time will change that but for now I’m still on the one day (possibly two) at a time mode.
Hope you had a wonderful birthday, Milo!
Thanks for the birthday wishes, New Beginning.
Milo, thanks for the warning about meetups. Your P-daughter’s masks, take the cake! I’ve been considering meetups myself, so I’ll be on alert. speaking of cake… have some! Happy birthday.
Anytime you meet ANY ONE ANY WHERE you should be aware that they could be a psychopath in sheep’s clothing.
This is why it is SO IMPORTANT to learn the red flags.
The clingy/needy person, or the person that immediately LOVE BOMBS you needn’t be a person looking for romance, they can be an old woman or an old man, or someone like MiLo’s daughter who is a full fledged nut-job psychopath who is trolling for victims…
LEARN THE RED FLAGS and HONOR THEM! That is the key to safety.
Sometimes I see the red flags ONLY IN RETROSPECT! LOL
Even now, I can look back on a person I met recently who was high in P-traits, and presented as a VICTIM, but I hadn’t noticed the red flags of “love bombing” until she went into the devalue and discard mode! When I went NC she went OFF! Striking out at everyone she could contact who might think well of me. Fortunately, she was not someone that was going to remain long in my life, and as FURIOUS as I was with some of the nasty things she said, I maintained my NC, which of course infuriated her more. But it was another lesson for ME. Fortunately not at any great cost in terms of emotional distress, or money or time.
We can all get fooled from time to time, but we must forgive ourselves for doing so, and TAKE THE LESSONS from the experience. If you keep people at “arm’s length” emotionally until you get a chance to REALLY see them in various situations, then you won’t get BLIND SIDED to any great extent.
And, once you do see the red flags, the rages, or whatever, you immediately pull back and reassess the situation CLEARLY. People who are kind, caring and honest may have some disagreements, but they will not EXPLODE on you, and they will discuss the situation calmly and rationally, and you can come to some meeting grounds.
A sincere apology is something that good people are not loath to do, and that includes an acknowledgment of their behavior, and their sorrow for it, as well as a promise (that they keep) not to reengage in that kind of behavior. In short, they KEEP THEIR WORD. They are honest, kind, caring, loving (an action verb) and you can count on their word being “their bond.”
Skylar,
You’re welcome and I hope it was a good day.
The Meetup groups have worked well for me though I am cautious and I don’t go to EVERY event there is as I want to maintain a distance for now. It does help with feeling I’ll possibly have a life again and I suspect there are many other people there who are also recovering from P’s. Today I am headed out to get microspikes (to prevent falls in snow/ice/mud) for a New Year’s Day hike! 🙂 Getting outside and exercising always helps my state of mind.
My very first meet-up experience almost sent me packing from the entire thing. I was a little late arriving at a restaurant and when I walked in, one of the men with the meet-up group looked at me and said “well I just may meet my future wife here”. Yikes! Still I just stay true to keeping with only group activities…..and only groups of 5 or more.
Not sure if my situation is a little different than some others however I was drugged and sexually assaulted at a place that should have been one of the safest to be. I am very much in a “don’t you dare come near me” phase and also only let my son and two good life long friends enter my home. So yes, I am extremely cautious with the meet-up groups and individuals within them. So far, so good. *keeping fingers crossed*.
Great post, Oxy! Then again, all of your posts are in that category. 🙂
I agree that sometimes the red flags are still only visible in retrospect because we don’t *think* like a P no matter how accustomed we’ve become to their ways. Also agree that it takes observing a person over a period of time in various situations in order to begin to assess who they are.
There is quite a variety of people in all of the groups I am a member of and I look at it as an opportunity to better decipher various personality traits. I refuse to let my ex-P cause my life to be lived in isolation. That would be the ultimate “win” for him.
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